Chapter 13 : The past hurts
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The power within.
A/N: hey all I'm really sorry its been so long
but I have been updating when I can and I have two other fics on the go as well.
Taryn: hey thanx glad you liked it, yeah and
Hermione finally admitted it :-) oh and I'm loving your fic at the moment, 'more
than just friends' I recommend it to everyone.
Ronsinnervoice: hey thanks :-) I just felt that
chapter sucked, but I'm glad I was wrong, you also have a brilliant fic that I
am in love with 'Ron's last stand' everyone should read it :-).
Annison crane: glad you liked it, yeah Josh is
evil and we get to know more soon, thanks for reviewing :-).
Alli-baby: Thanks :-) we will find out soon about
Josh and his connection to Ginny, keep reading.
Moanda: hey hope u got my e mail anyway thanks
for the ton of support, hope you still like it.
Summary: ok this is going to be slightly
different to the past chapters, I just hope it works :-) let me know.
Laurie looked at Harry, he had finally fell
asleep, she had bought him inside some hours ago long after the sun had disappeared.
But Harry had not slept, he lay there silent
tears escaping his brilliant green eyes, Laurie refused to leave him till he was
Now he was sleeping but still Laurie did not want
to leave, she had been made to leave all those years ago, and leaving him now
was just too hard.
He was everything she had expected him to be, he
was so much like Lily and James it almost hurt to look at him, and be with him.
Remus looked at his cousin, she looked so lost,
she had been lost for a long time, leaving all those years ago had destroyed
Although she had been gone all those years, she
had never trusted another, she had never made other friends, although people
lined up to be close to Laurie.
She had such a big heart but it was tainted, all
her dreams and hopes smashed in front of her very eyes, and she was forced to
leave everything she had ever known.
Remus had worried for a long time, it seemed to
kill her for a while, she had been just like a ghost, refusing to live for
But she was much stronger than anyone had given
her credit for, everyone always wanted to protect Laurie, she had always seemed
Lily had always been strong, but Laurie had
always needed others, or so it had seemed, but she had made it through alone.
Laurie was stronger, she had given herself time
and she had begun to mend, and although she was far from fixed, she was better.
Remus was not foolish enough to believe that
Laurie would ever be the same, part of her died that fateful night when many
celebrated around the world.
When Harry was adjusting to Dudley punching and
pinching him, when the world was celebrating the end of Lord Voldermort, Laurie
and Sirus were both dying.
Remus didn't doubt that Sirius had suffered the
same fate as Laurie, but then again being in Azkaban all those years Sirius
never had to face what had happened, as he was unable to, but it meant Laurie
faced it alone.
Laurie had struggled through it all and still she
was standing on top, she had cried today, the first time since Lily and James
And they had taken Harry from her, she had cried
forever at knowing the little boy would grow up alone and unsure of who he was.
She had cried many nights after that, but then
suddenly it stopped as though she had stopped feeling, Remus had been worried
about her then.
He knew Laurie had started to learn magic's older
than time itself, and Remus knew that Laurie knew her fair amount of dark magic.
He had often asked Laurie why she learnt those
types of magic, and she simply said she was preparing for the war that would
come when Voldermort rose again.
Remus knew he trusted Laurie but she had changed
she was no longer the young girl that attended Hogwarts, she had grown up.
Laurie saw her cousin looking at her with worry
etched on his tired face, she knew he worried a lot about her, but he shouldn't.
Laurie had lived in isolation for years, she
never let anyone but Remus in, no one would accept her, Remus was more accepted,
even as a werewolf.
But the truth was she had grown fond of her
solitude, and now being around so many others was confusing, it was hard.
She had finally seen Sirius again and Harry it
was all too much, she had shut down all these years and now she was finally
Her tears had fallen freely today, for the first
time in over ten years, she had opened up, because of Harry, the wonderful boy
sleeping before her.
He had finally let go, she had seen it all the
pain locked up tight inside of him, she had seen it because she to felt it, then
she had let go, with Harry.
But there was so much pain still, so many
regrets, but Laurie had learnt a long time ago that she had to be strong, so she
would manage, she had to.
Remus stood next to Laurie and looked at Harry,
"he wont disappear Laurie, you can leave him to sleep."
Laurie smiled at Remus, "I know but I'm just
not ready to leave him, not just yet."
Remus nodded, "I understand Laurie, but you
will have to, not tonight, but you must return to Hogwarts tomorrow, its not
safe for you here."
Laurie shook her head, "I don't care, I
refuse to leave Harry until we have had a good talk, Remus there is so much he
needs to know, I cannot just leave him."
Remus frowned, "I know Laurie, but he is not
the only one you need to talk to about the past, Sirius and you need to try to
figure this mess out, he will have to leave sooner than you, so he is
Laurie gave a bitter laugh, "Remus me and
Sirius died the day he got locked away, I don't see the point in going over
painful memories, we have both changed and moved on."
Remus looked shocked, "but you knew he was
innocent, you said so yourself, and as for moving on, don't try to tell me that
you ever stopped loving him, because I refuse to believe that."
Laurie pulled Remus away from Harry's bedroom,
"what would it achieve? me and Sirius are over, yes I knew he was innocent,
but he didn't fight Remus, and I may still love him but I can never forgive
Remus was confused, "what are you talking
about?, Sirius didn't choose to go to Azkaban, he escaped as soon as he
Laurie smiled, "yes but he never tried, he never wanted to fight them and prove he was innocent,
he proved his guilt by his silence, if he cared about me he would have fought
Remus finally understood, "but there was no
way anyone would believe him, he would have been sentenced anyway."
Laurie shook her brown curls, "so if Sirius
had insisted on a trial to prove his innocence, if he had told the truth as we
know it, would you have believed him?"
Remus had never considered this, but the truth
was thinking back to when it happened he could have been swayed, he nodded his
head, "yes maybe I would have believed him, but he didn't think he stood a
chance, he was past caring."
Laurie's eyes flashed with Pain and anger,
"exactly, he didn't care, he never stopped to think what effect it would
have on Harry or me, it seems he thought very little about me even since he
escaped, he never even asked you about me."
Remus knew this was true but Sirius had gone
through so much, Remus then noticed Sirius staring at them from the dark
Laurie also saw him, " I guess you have
gotten good at sneaking around Sirius, but tell me is it necessary for you to
spy on us?"
Sirius felt so many emotions he wanted to laugh,
cry, smile at her, or shout at her, it was typical Laurie she always made him
feel an array of emotions.
They had always fought about everything and
anything, Laurie was always considered a quiet girl by most people, Sirius knew
Compared to Lily, Laurie was quite, but Laurie
always seemed to get very pissed at him and thought nothing of screaming at
him and occasionally hitting him.
Then she had grown up, and he had noticed how beautiful
she had become and the fights seemed to stop, they had finally gotten
They had been trying to get Lily and James to
realise they liked each other, in the process Laurie and Sirius had realised
their own feelings for each other.
Laurie couldn't take the way he looked at her,
like he loved her, but it wasn't possible, was it?, no it wasn't she couldn't
let him in again, she would only get hurt.
Remus sighed, "well I am turning in for the
night, I suggest you either do the same, or talk but no shouting, that is the
last thing Harry needs."
Both Laurie and Sirius felt ashamed at their
actions, they had resorted to acting like the hormonal teenagers they once had
Laurie shrugged, "well I'm tired so I will
Sirius cut her off, "Laurie, please can we
talk, I think we need to sort some things out, don't you?"
Laurie laughed bitterly, "now you want to
Sirius nodded, "please Laurie."
Laurie nodded, "come on, lets talk but not
here, Harry might hear."
Sirius followed Laurie downstairs into the now
quiet living room, neither of them wanted to sit down, both felt tense and
unsure with each other.
Laurie had a steely look in her eyes, "well
, lets talk."
Sirus wanted to say so many things, but none of
them would come, he wanted to say sorry or that he missed her but he couldn't.
Laurie huffed, "well alright if that's the
way it is I'm going."
Laurie headed to the door, she was so angry at
Sirius and partly angry at her self for letting him get to her like this.
Sirius knew he had to say something, he managed
to croak, "I missed you."
Laurie stopped dead in her tracks, then she
whirled round to face him, "miss me? well maybe you shouldn't have left
Sirius felt anger, "is that what you think?
well in case you didn't notice I'm on the run I was framed, I had no
Laurie furiously shook her head, "did you
even try to explain? and when you escaped you went after Peter nearly getting
Sirius gave a bitter laugh, "no one would
believe me Laurie and besides I knew I had to stop Peter."
Laurie's voice grew soft, "you didn't fight
Sirius, why not? you gave up, you could have explained, demanded a trial, but
you didn't, why?"
Sirius shrugged, "I didn't care anymore,
they were dead, I failed them, what was there to fight for?"
Laurie felt her heart constrict, all this time
she had told her self he stopped caring, but she never believed it, not really.
Laurie folded her arms across her chest in
protection, almost trying to shield her heart, she had never stopped loving him,
yet he had stopped loving her.
Laurie spoke in barely a whisper, "I guess
that answers everything I needed to know."
Sirius was confused why was she acting like this?
Sirius shrugged, "if you think so, but I thought we had barely
Laurie smiled, a very bitter smile, "why did
you escape Sirius, why are you here?
Sirius frowned, "what kind of question is
that? I told you I went after Peter and I'm here for Harry."
Laurie shook her head, "so you did have
something to fight for?"
Sirius nodded, "yes, I wanted to help Harry,
that night I tried to take him but Hagrid beat me to him, it was the last I saw
of Harry for years."
Laurie felt the pain in her heart, he had never
missed her, not once, he didn't even think she was worth fighting for, he would
have left that night with Harry, he would have left her all alone.
Sirius knew Laurie was too silent, he had missed
her so much she had meant the world to him, and she still did, he could never
stop loving her.
But he knew she must have moved on, it had been
so long, Remus never spoke of Laurie so Sirius was left with his imagination.
He often wondered who she married or if she had
any children, was she happy?, could she ever forgive him? these questions often
filled his head.
Sirius tried to ignore the pain in his chest, he
was worried about her, she would be in danger now and he couldn't protect her.
Sirius looked at Laurie, "why did you become
Harry's secret keeper?"
Laurie looked shocked, "why do you think? he
needed protecting, it was bad enough that I had to leave him, I wasn't going to
risk him being killed."
Sirius shook his head, "but you put yourself
in danger, now you are in more danger you have had to leave your whole life, and
I can't protect you."
Laurie was furious, "protect me? you didn't
seem to worry about protecting me for the past fourteen years, and leave what
Sirius frowned, "I did worry, but you were
safe, he was defeated."
Laurie gave a bitter chuckle, "safe? yes I
was very safe that was why after your capture our house was burnt down, with me
Sirius looked shocked, "why would they do
that, were you hurt?"
Laurie shrugged, "why do you think they
attacked me? they figured I was in league with you, why do you think I was
shipped to the other side of the world?"
Sirius shook his head in disbelief, "but you
didn't do anything, were you hurt?"
Laurie shrugged, "so they didn't listen to
reason, anyway since when do you care?"
Sirius furrowed his brow, "of course I
Laurie suddenly snapped, "oh I'm sorry of
course you care, you really care, your silence was not only your sentence but
mine as well, whilst you were locked up I was left to deal with everything, you
think your the only one who has served time, but your not."
Sirius shook his head, "but you got away you
were alright you started a new life."
Laurie bitterly laughed, "you really believe
that? I lost everything, I was forced out of my home and threatened with
attacks, I had to give Harry up."
Laurie furiously wiped the tears away, her voice
was growing hoarse, "I had to move Sirius, do you really think I just
started a new life? I could not even talk to others as I feared they would
betray me like Peter or they would realise who I was, I have lived the past
fourteen years with no one but Remus for company."
Sirius was shocked, "I never realised,
Laurie I never knew."
Laurie nodded, "yes I realise that, you just
figured I would move on and forget everything, well it isn't that simple, you
see you may have thought there was nothing left to fight for, but I did."
Laurie hit her forehead, "I am such a fool,
I actually still thought you were worth fighting for, but you gave up on us a
long time ago, and you know what makes it worse? I think it was before Lily and
James were killed."
Sirius frantically shook his head, "no
Laurie I didn't mean it like that, I just gave up I was numb, I didn't see the
point in fighting."
Laurie cut him off, "exactly, you didn't see
the point, because to you, there was no us to fight for."
Sirius wanted to argue that it wasn't true that
she was wrong but he couldn't find the words, they both stood staring at each
They were interrupted by a loud yell from Harry,
both Laurie and Sirius bounded up the stairs, they found Harry thrashing about
on the bed lost in his nightmare.
Harry was lost in darkness, he had been dreaming
of his parents, they had been about his age and a younger Sirius and Laurie were
They had all been happy, they had all laughed and
joked Harry was enjoying seeing that special bond they all shared, it was like
his own friendships.
But then the dreamscape had changed and Harry
realised it was becoming a more realistic dream, through the darkness he could
Dream Harry walked forward, wanting to hear the
voices, then he could see them, none other than Lord Voldermort, and he wasn't
By his side stood Wormtail looking healthier than
the last time Harry had seen him, Voldermort was addressing a young blonde man.
Harry wanted to see the blonde mans face but was
unable to as his back was to Harry, Voldermort smiled a vicious smile.
Wormtail looked slightly nervous but the blonde man remained
put, the Voldermort spoke, "so did she buy the story?"
The blonde man nodded, "she did my lord, I will be able to
keep open contact with the girl, but it will take a while to establish trust,
she doesn't seem willing to trust easily."
Voldermort nodded thoughtfully, "very well, it seems the
little girl has learnt her lesson about trusting someone so easily."
Harry wanted to know who the girl was, who were they talking
The blonde man bowed his head, "may I ask who she is my
Voldermort smiled a nasty smile, "she is just a silly
little girl who managed to connect to a former me, and for that she will
Harry's head rang with alarm bells, he was talking about Ginny.
Harry needed to wake up but he couldn't and as the blonde man
stood to leave Voldermort looked straight into Harry's eyes.
Harry let out a yell as his scar burned and then everything was
black again, he was confused and he felt lost, Harry began to fight the
Suddenly Harry felt the presence of a motherly hand soothing his
forehead, and the comforting words of Laurie as he fell into a dreamless sleep.
Laurie looked at Harry who was now sleeping silently, Sirius motioned
for her to follow him, Laurie did, as she didn't want to wake Harry.
Sirius looked concerned, "maybe we should wake him, he has
very powerful dreams."
Laurie stopped him, "no he needs to sleep, he will tell us
his dream in the morning, its not surprising he suffers nightmares."
Sirius nodded, "I know, look Laurie about
Laurie once again stopped him, "listen Sirius we both want
to help Harry and we can only do that if we stop fighting, our past should stay
in the past."
Both of them nodded in agreement, and both tried to ignore the
pain in their hearts, but Laurie was convinced Sirius no longer loved her, so it
would be for the best.
Sirius knew he could not make Laurie happy she deserved much
better, besides he was still on the run she wouldn't want him.
Both parted ways with a goodnight hand shake, it symbolised how
they would be from now on formal but nice to each other, for Harry.
Laurie entered Harry's Room and settled on the edge of the camp
bed, but sleep did not come for her as thoughts of her life filled her head.
In the next room Sirius also tried to find sleep but it did not
come, he too thought of his life, and both of them continually asked the same
"Where did it all go wrong?"
The boy who felt he was responsible for their lives going wrong,
would awake in the morning remembering nothing about the dream he had .
He would not remember that Ginny Weasley was in danger.
Hey I finally finished, god that was hard, poor
Sirius and Laurie love doesn't get any easier no matter how old you are.
Anyway what did you think? its slightly different
this time and it took me ages to do because its different, anyways I hope you
all like it.
Let me know, review and I may just update with a
visit to Diagon Alley and a meeting between Ron and Harry.
Bye for now :-).
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October 31, 1981
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