Look, I really didn’t know this was going to happen.
I mean, sure, I might have dared my idiot of a best friend to eat some funky-looking plant in Herbology – I didn’t think she was actually going to eat it! What kind of mentally inept person does something like that?
I swear, most of the time I seriously wonder if Ilana has a developmental issue. Like a brain developmental issue. A severe one.
It would explain so much.
Sometimes I feel really bad for poor old Ilana. Of all the genes to get in her gene pool, she got the worst. And I know what it’s like to have an amazing sister that everyone loves, but even with me, it’s not so bad. Because I’m a bloke and Rose is a bird, and if my family wants me to be like her…that would just be bizarre.
If I wanted to be a nerdy Malfoy-loving weirdo, trust me, I’d just Avada myself to avoid the personal humiliation.
But Ilana, on the other hand…well, she’s twins with Zara. And not even identical twins or anything. They’re just sisters born at the same time. So because of this, Ilana gets to spend her whole life feeling inadequate in front of her gorgeous, incredible, amazing sister.
Yeah, so maybe I am in love with my best friend’s twin sister. And yeah, maybe said twin sister does hate my guts, especially now that I’ve got her sister all wonked up on some exotic plant.
But there’s really no denying it. Zara Saxton wants me.
Deep down in there somewhere.
Real bad.
“I’m so bored,” Ilana whined. She picked up the textbook propped in her lap and started hitting herself over the head with it.
I stared at her unsurely. I don’t know whether Ilana is just being herself or if her body’s trying to kill her right now. Is it even possible to kill oneself with a textbook? I think it might be. Those buggers are heavy.
“Stop that,” Zara said irritably, wrenching the book out of Ilana’s hand. Ilana slumped in relief.
“Thanks a bunch for watching me kill myself with a Potions book, Hugo,” she muttered at me. “I see how it is.”
Whoops.
“Sorry,” I told her, “I thought you were just being you.”
“I don’t normally try to dislodge my brain from my skull with a textbook!” Ilana yelled indignantly.
“What kind of idiot are you?” Zara followed up.
This is not fair! I’m being double-teamed! FOUL!
“Look, I’m sorry!” I said loudly, shielding myself with my own potions textbook. This is what I get for hanging out with twins sisters. They gang up on me, I never get to hook up with random girls because they’d probably beat me to a pulp if I tried, I have to be all considerate and nice, and I can’t eat properly because it “disgusts” Zara.
Ilana eats the same way, so she can’t say much.
During mealtimes, she’s my favorite twin.
And during Quidditch.
Because even though Ilana Saxton is crazy, weird, clumsy, socially retarded, and not-as-pretty-as-her-sister, she’s a damn good Chaser. The best I’ve seen in a while, actually. That really says a lot, because I come from a family of really fucking good Quidditch players.
We could seriously make an international team and probably beat everyone else out. It could be like… Weasley United. Or something.
Bloody hell, I’m a genius! We’d get rich off that shit! I’m bringing this up with Dad and Uncle Harry next time we all get together…a family Quidditch team…how didn’t anyone else think of that?
“This sucks,” Ilana said loudly, chucking her textbook at me. I batted it out of the way with my own, and it landed on the floor and fell apart.
“This is all your fault,” Zara hissed, poking me belligerently on the chest after staring at Ilana’s pathetic-looking textbook.
“Hey –” I started indignantly. I mean, come on, it’s Ilana’s fault too. I didn’t stuff the plant down her throat. She willingly ate it.
Ergo, not my fault.
I’m Hermione Weasley’s son for a reason, bitches.
“You know, Hugo Weasley,” Zara continued, poking me again. Look, she’s really sexy when she’s mad and all, but her nails freaking hurt. “I don’t even know why my sister is best friends with you.”
Ouch.
“You’re the reason she’s in here right now, barely alive and still trying to kill herself! One day, you’ll end up actually killing her –”
“I wouldn’t do that,” I joked weakly, “I’d miss her too much.”
Hey, I really would. I’m in love with Zara Saxton, but that doesn’t stop Ilana from being my best friend.
“You are such a dumbshit, Weasley!” Zara yelled, standing up furiously. “Most of the time – no, actually, all of the time – I really hate you!”
She turned around and stormed out of the Hospital Wing, leaving me staring after her openmouthed.
“She’s kind of dramatic,” Ilana noted nonchalantly.
I groaned and dropped my head down on the bed. “I hate my life.”
“Hey, she’ll come around,” Ilana poked the top of my head. “Your hair is turning green. Why can’t my hair turn green? I hate blonde hair. I want green hair like yours –”
“Pompfrey!” I yelled, picking my head up. “Ilana needs her potion again!”
“And you have five tongues! That’s even better than Longbottom. This is so unfair. I want to be cool like you guys –”
“Here,” Pompfrey shoved the potion into my hands. “Make her drink all of it. I need to take care of your cousin, he’s growing antlers.”
Which one?
No, I’m serious. I have a lot.
“Antlers? Is he turning into a reindeer? Oh my god, can I keep him and name him Rudolph? I heard there’s this really awesome reindeer with a magic nose who –”
“Hey Ilana,” I cut across, “if you drink this, you can grow green hair and antlers.”
She wrenched it out of my hand and eagerly gulped it down. Two seconds later, she was out cold on the bed.
I chuckled and looked down at her sleeping form. No matter how mysteriously amazing her sister might be, I can always count on Ilana to be a constant force of weirdness.
Now I just have to wait for her to wake up.
Damn.
--
“Have any twos?”
“Go fish.”
“What about fives?”
“Go fish.”
“Do you have an eight?”
“Yeah. Here.”
“Cool. Thanks.”
We’re the coolest kids in this school, yo. Look at us, partyin’ it up with our Go Fish cards and a pack of Bertie’s Beans. Hot damn, I bet everyone wants to be exactly like us. Because we’re just so fucking awesome.
What am I doing with my life.
“Match is tomorrow,” I said idly, trying to start up a conversation.
Ilana glared at me.
…on second thought, I probably shouldn’t have brought that up.
“Roxy sucks,” I added for her benefit. She rolled her eyes and snorted, reaching over to grab a handful of Bertie Bott’s Beans. She stuffed them all in her mouth, and I winced. Of all the people in this world, Ilana is the only human being I know who not only enjoys this candy, but is also completely impervious to the flavors.
Seriously, I can eat pretty much anything. But if I were to eat Peppermint, Earwax, Vomit, Spaghetti, Grass, Cherry and Fart all in one go, even I’d throw up.
I have mad respect for Ilana Saxton because of this.
“Is my sister still mad at you?” She asked, throwing down her cards to signify the end of this boring game.
I laughed. “When is your sister not mad at me?”
“Touché.”
She thought for a little while. “Do you think I’d be able to hear the commentary from in here?”
“Definitely,” I nodded eagerly. “For sure. I mean, Lorcan’s really loud anyway, and this room isn’t soundproof so you’ll definitely be able –”
“Stop feeling guilty,” Ilana cut across, smiling at me and hitting me on the arm at the same time. This girl’s a walking paradox. “If anything, this is an experience! I’ll be able to grow up and tell the grandchildren all about that one time Grandma ate the – what? Why are you laughing? Hugo!”
She threw the pack of cards at me and they rained all over the floor. This made me laugh even harder – oh god, does this girl even realize how insane she sounds right now? Grandchildren? Doesn’t that require having children first? And getting married? And having a boyfriend? And…you know, attracting a bloke?
Oh Merlin. The prospect of seeing Ilana with children of her own – and any of the steps it takes for her to get there – aren’t just impossible. They’re actually ridiculous.
Ilana shouldn’t be allowed around small kids. It’s just not safe.
Same thing goes with men. She’d probably accidentally castrate someone with a kitchen knife or something.
I stopped laughing.
Shit.
Note to self: never hang around with best friend in kitchen.
“What’s your problem?” Ilana asked me. “You’re acting mental.”
I’m acting mental. Good one.
“I’m gonna go find your sister and grovel for forgiveness,” I said, getting up and stepping away from her before she suddenly sprouted a knife out of her hand and started attacking my crotch with it. Hey, this is Ilana Saxton. Anything is possible with this girl.
“You’re pathetic,” She called after me as I speedwalked out of the Hospital Wing.
“Love you too, bud!”
“Hugo, I’m still bored!”
“Play Solitaire!”
“WHAT THE HELL IS SOLITAIRE?!”
“Stop yelling in my Hospital Wing, or I will be forced to sedate you, Miss Saxton!”
The last thing I saw before I went out the door was a furious-looking Ilana and a very obscene hand gesture.
I mean I guess my best friend is pretty chill.
--
“You know, you’re kind of pathetic.”
My family is full of shitheads.
“Thanks, Lil,” I said in a mock-cheerful voice. “You know, that really means a lot to me.”
Lily shrugged, flipping her dark red hair behind her shoulder. “I think you’d be way better with Ilana.”
I shuddered. “That’s weird.”
“Your face is weird.”
“Your mum is weird!”
“My mum’s your favorite aunt.”
“…right.”
Damn Lily and her logic.
“Besides,” Lily continued, “I think she’s made it pretty clear to you, but just in case you didn’t get it before, Zara kind of hates you. Either that, or she refuses to not hate you, because lemme tell you, it is simply not normal for one person to have so much hate in their body for someone else, and –”
“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” I cut across.
Lily pondered for a second. “No, not really.”
Great.
“In short, you’re pretty much buggered,” Lily concluded cheerfully. “You know, unless you go about physically changing yourself to become the kind of bloke that Zara wants to date, which I think is stupid. Someone should love you for who you are –”
“Genius!” I said loudly, stopping in the middle of the hallway. “Lily – you are a genius! Of course that’s what I have to do! Bloody hell, you’re my favorite cousin. Remind me to get you an awesome Christmas Present or something.”
I turned around and started to run back towards the Hospital Wing, but Lily caught my sleeve and dragged me back.
“Didn’t you hear what I said about someone loving you for you, Hugo?” Lily demanded.
I stared at her stonily.
“What the hell is that even supposed to mean?”
“You’re hopeless,” Lily sighed.
“Cool. Bye.”
And I resumed my sprinting once more. Screw groveling at Zara’s feet – I’m going to make her fall for me, once and for all!
Genius.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey, hey, heyyyyy :D this is dream_BIG aka saval. as you probably already have figured out, me and lonnie are being awesome and writing a story. we're not quite sure where it's going, exactly, but that's the real fun of it. i write a chapter and she writes back with whatever she wants. it's great fun.
just a couple things to clear up, in case lonnie already hasnt: we alternate between chapters. she writes as Ilana, and I write as Hugo. i'll probably write something on the top indicating that it's hugo just so you guys aren't confused and stuff.
anywayyy, please review :)
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