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Chapter 7 : Broom Cupboards and Slughorn
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“So, let me get this straight. Because you are an idiot and skived off on detention last night, Sluggy’s camped out in front of the RoR, just waiting for us to come out? Which basically means we can’t, unless we all want to get brutally murdered.”
“Er…yeah, that pretty much sums it up.”
“You are such a moron. I think I understand were Myra’s coming from.”
“Oi! I resent that!”
“Good. You should.”
“You know Scor, sometimes I wonder if you actually hate me.”
“Mate, I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking right now.”
“Yeah, he’s right.” Freddy interjected, looking somewhat irritated.
“Hey, I forgot about detention. It wasn’t my fault.”
“James, it was your fault.” Al said, glaring at me. “Now we can’t leave the RoR.”
“Okay, fine, it was. Does anyone know how we can get Sluggy away from here and get the heck out?” I ask, running my hands through my hair and turning to look at everyone else in the room.
“No. Do you think we’d be bitching about it to you if we knew how to get out?” Mary snapped, arms crossed over her chest and looking pretty ticked.
“Whoa! Okay! Down, tiger! No need to bite my head off!” I say, taking a step back and putting my hands up, palms forward.
“I’m a lynx, not a tiger. Get it right, for Christ’s sake.” She grumbles, but I can see her trying to hold back a smile.
Apparently nobody can stay mad at me for very long except for Smithe.
Figures. That crazy chick could stay mad at anyone for as long as she fucking wanted.
“That’s right Spotty. You’re our baby sister, the lynx.” Freddy grins, throwing his arm around Mary’s shoulders and ruffling her already messy hair.
“Baby sister? Oh, wait, our motto is ‘screw biology! It makes things more interesting this way!’ Right?” she said, grinning up at Freddy.
“Yeah, that’s pretty much it.” He answered, laughing a little.
“No, guys, you’re forgetting ‘let’s prank the whole castle and just have fun and screw rules!’” Al added, smiling at Mary.
Man, everyone loves Mary.
“Oh, yeah, how could we forget that?” Mary laughs, looking happier than I’ve ever seen her.
“Hey, wait, I’ve got an idea!” I shout, jumping up from my position on one of the couches. “One of us sends a Patronus to Dom, and she comes and gets rid of Sluggy so we can get out of here!”
Everyone stares at me. “Why didn’t one of us think of that?” Scor asks, looking incredulous. “I mean, you’re supposed to be the stupid one.”
“Oi! What is it with you guys and picking on me today?”
“James, you’re just the kind of person you have to pick on. It’s really funny.” Mary explains, looking at me in an annoyingly pitying way, like she’s talking to a small child.
“You guys suck.” I mutter, pouting and generally acting very un-masculine.
“And you’re a girl.” Mary says, just as matter-of-fact as she usually is.
“Are too. Just send the Patronus already.”
“Fine!” I exclaim, throwing my hands up and then pulling my wand out of my jeans and muttering “Expecto Patronum!”
The familiar silver stag bursts from the tip of wand and gallops off, after looking at me and nodding slightly.
I love my Patronus. It’s pretty damn awesome.
“Now we just wait.” I say, under my breath, as I collapse back onto the couch.
“No, listen, Ash, it will be fine! The bloke’s definitely in love with you, too, it will all work out! Oh, Ash, calm down! Ash! Ash, I’m going to go and get some chocolate, okay? You just wait here and I’ll be back soon, alright?”
I get up carefully from my position on Ash’s bed, surrounded by used Kleenexes, with one very distraught girl lying in their midst. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ash this upset before, not even when her parents threatened to make her leave Hogwarts a few years ago.
Seriously, she’s curled up in a fetal position and she’s not moving. She’s just crying. And occasionally grabbing another Kleenex and blowing her nose. But other than that, she’s not moving.
I’m actually getting a little worried.
Turning away from the pathetic and heart-wrenching scene, I walk out of the dorm and head to the kitchens, playing with my nose piercing while I walk.
“Oh my God, My! You need to come with me! Right now! James and Freddy and Al and Scor and some chick named Mary are all trapped in the Room of Requirement because Sluggy is camped outside and won’t let them out because James skipped detention last night and they need my help and you need to help me, too and just come with me!” I turn around as a frantic Dom runs down the stairs to out dorm and proceeds to grab my hand, yank my arm out of its socket, and drag me out the portrait hole and up to the seventh floor.
“Wait, Dom, what?!” I yelp as I run along behind her. “If Sluggy’s up there, I shouldn’t go! He’s out to get me, too! Remember? I skipped detention last night!”
Dom freezes. “Oh, shit. You’re right. Oh, well.” She shrugs and keeps on running, still dragging me behind her.
“Dom! I need to help Ash! She’s in dire need of some chocolate!” I yell, trying to get away from my crazy best friend.
“So what? Ash can wait. And I’m sure she’ll be able to get chocolate herself. Now come on! I’ll use you as a distraction so we can get Sluggy away, and then I’ll get James and the others out and we can make our stealthy get away!” Dom finishes that little tirade off with some of the scariest, maniacal, and extremely evil laughter I’ve ever heard.
And that’s saying something considering how much time I spend with this nut.
“ARE YOU INSANE?!” I bellow, frantically trying to rip my poor arm away from her death grip.
“OF COURSE I AM! NOW SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!” she roars at the top of her lungs as we sprint around corners and down corridors and up stairs.
“FINE! BUT DON’T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN I DIE!”
“FINE! I WON’T!”
Yes, we have the maturity of two four-year-olds on crack. You should try it some time. It’s fun.
“Dom! We’re almost there!”
“Excellent! MWAHAHAHA!!! My evil plan is about to start! Go, minion, go! I must have my distraction whilst I free our devilish compatriots!”
Right. So, yeah. I’m best friends with a loon. What else is new?
“You’re a nut! I’m not going down there!” I scream in panic, abandoning all pretense of bravery and clinging onto the wall in my efforts to stay where I was, which was relatively safe.
And not, you know, in the warpath of a fat walrus stuffed in a waistcoat. That has a rather unhealthy love for crystallized pineapple.
Really, that guy needs to see a doctor. I can hear his arteries clogging whenever he eats another slice of that yellow instant diabetes.
“Yes, you are! Now go, brainless minion, go! Or I will be forced to make you do as I say!” Dom cackles and pushes me down the hall whilst I screamed in terror.
“I say! There’s Miss Smithe. Now, Miss Smithe, I need to talk to you about that detention you missed last night.” Sluggy says, getting up from his position outside the RoR and turning to me, his moustache quivering.
I sprint down the hall, screaming the whole time, right past a stunned Sluggy and around the corner. Sure enough, I hear him coming after, saying something about detentions and ankle chains and “young hooligans these days”.
I would be laughing if I weren’t so scared.
(Trust me, you haven’t seen Sluggy mad. If you had, then you would be pissing yourself from terror right now.)
“OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO DIE! THIS ISN’T FAIR! DOM! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!” I yell while I run for my life through hall after hall, vaguely aware of Sluggy waddling after me.
“Holy crap! What the bloody hell?”
“RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!” I bellow without even bothering to find out who I ran into. I think it’s a bloke. Other than that, I have no clue.
“ARGHH!!” the bloke yelled as I grabbed his arm and dragged him with me.
“Hey! I know you!” I exclaimed as I got a good look at his face. “Griffin! ‘Sup?” I ask, like it’s the most normal thing in the world, as I turn a corner, dodge behind a tapestry, and slip into the secret passageway behind said tapestry, all while pulling Griffin with me.
“Oh, nothing much, I’m just being dragged around by a raving lunatic that I barely even know!”
“Cool. Hey, can I call you Griff?”
“You’re mean”, I pouted.
“Get used to it”, He muttered.
“So, Griff, I asked Ash about you…” I pause and glance over at him, noticing how he went from arms crossed, frowning, and generally looking pretty pissed off to looking a lot like an eager and over-excited puppy. Whoa. Is this guy screwed, or what?
“Yeah, and?” he asked, sounding like a little kid on Christmas morning.
“Um, don’t tell her that I told you this, but she kind of sort of maybe has this huge crush on you but doesn’t want to talk to you because she think she’ll make an idiot of herself, which she probably will, but that’s beside the point. So, I’ve given it maybe thirty seconds of thought and decided that the only option is to lock you both in a broom cupboard and only let you out when I can be bothered to drag me lazy ass down to wherever the heck I put you. How about it?”
(I’m not exactly known for my rational decision making skills. Some would even go as far as to say that I’m impulsive.)
Griff is just staring at me, probably in shock. His jaw is somewhere around hell-deep in the earth and his eyes are as big as jumbo-sized saucers. His face is starting to turn an unattractive shade of white.
Right, this is the part where I get worried.
“Er, Griff? You okay?” I ask hesitantly, frowning at him and waving my hand in front of his face.
“Wah?” he mumbled.
Oh, dear, sweet Merlin, was that drool?
“Griff! Griff, come on, snap out of it!” I said, shaking him.
Good God, what have I done?
Love is dangerous. I mean, seriously! Look at this boy! He’s in a state of extreme shock just because I suggested that he get locked up in a broom closet with the girl of his dreams for an undetermined amount of time!
…Actually, I think I see where he’s coming from.
“Griff! Speak to me! Come on man, you’ve gotta be okay!” I wail, shaking him more. I’m honestly getting a little worried.
“Griff! Griff! Oh, God, what am I going to do? He’s practically comatose.”
Stepping back after propping Griff up against the wall of the secret passage we’re in, I frown and stroke my chin in thought.
Wait…I’m getting something…ah-ha! Light bulb!
“Griff! Asha’s coming!”
“Where? How do I look? Is my hair okay? What about my clothes? When? Do I have anything in my teeth?” Griffin grabbed me by my shoulders and backed me into the wall, firing questions off at a scary pace that was much too fast for my poor ears to comprehend.
And, seriously dude, have you ever heard of a little something called personal space?
“DUDE! You are invading my personal bubble. Back off. Now. Or I won’t lock you in a broom cupboard with Asha.” I threaten, watching in amusement as he moves to the other side of the tunnel so fast I have to blink a few times.
“Erm, right. So, uh, I take it that Ash isn’t coming?” he asks tentatively, scratching the back of his head.
“No, she isn’t. Now, come on, I need to get you in the cupboard and then go and find Ash.” I say, pushing myself off the wall and walking down the tunnel, thinking about a good cover story as I automatically find my way through the maze of passageways.
Yeah, I’ve been through these a lot. They’re quite helpful when it comes to pranking. And sneaking up on people (read: Potter) to jinx or hex them.
Oh, God, the fun I’ve had with a tripping jinx and a convenient secret passageway.
There was that time in Fifth Year when I snuck up on Nott and-
I’m off topic.
Cover story. Right. Time to put my overactive imagination to good use.
Ohh! I’ve got it! Right, so, this is my ingenious plan:
I drag Ash out of bed, luring her out with chocolate if absolutely necessary, and tell her that I’ve left my…uh…my Potions textbook in the broom cupboard that Griff’s in, but I’m afraid of cleaning solution- no, wait, spiders would be better, so I can’t get it, and then when she’s in, I’ll just lock it with that charm that Alohamora doesn’t work on (thank you, Rose), and then I’ll just let it go from there.
I do have to remember to let them out before tomorrow, though. I don’t think they’d take too kindly to being locked in a broom cupboard for a day or so.
I know I wouldn’t.
That would suck.
“Ah, here we are!” I mutter, grinning and tapping the wall in front of me with my wand. The stones melt away to reveal a hallway with a few doors along it and only one statue.
One very ugly statue.
You know, whoever put the artwork in Hogwarts was obviously either high, drunk, certifiably insane, or all three.
My God, what on earth were the founders thinking?
I step out and wait for Griffin to follow before closing the entrance back up with a tap.
“Okay, you just wait in here”, I say, walking over and opening up one of the doors on the opposite side of the hall, “And I’ll go and get Ash. When she gets here she’s going to be mad, but if she asks you why you’re in there, just say I tricked you.”
“Sounds good.” He nods, smiles, and jogs into the closet. I close the door after him and take off down the hall, running.
I like running.
I’m also fast. Fast enough to beat Potter at a race.
Now, I might hate his guts, but I have to admit that Potter is pretty damn fast.
But I’m faster.
Hell to the yes.
And very modest.
But hey, what can I say? I’m just cool like that.
After about seven minutes of waiting, in which a four lovely people yelled at me and cursed me to the deepest, most fiery pits of hell and back again, we heard a lot of yelling from outside.
“Hey, that sounds like Dom!” Freddy said, jumping up off of the ground, where he had been throwing a temper tantrum.
The Marauders need to work on their manliness. We could probably take lessons from Mary. Who’s the, you know, girl.
“And that sounds like Myra!” Al gets off of the couch to join Freddy by the door.
“Oh great. Why couldn’t she just crawl back into whatever slimy, mud-filled hole that she came out of and stay there?” I groan, tilting my head back and rubbing my temples.
“Wow. That was pretty mean.” Mary raised an eyebrow at me from the arm of the chair where she was sitting and braiding Scorp’s hair. (He’s got really long hair. It’s pretty funny when he’s walking and he does that hair flip thing. Mostly because all the girls think it’s hot. But my hair is hotter, in case you were wondering.)
I raised my eyebrows back at her.
She waggled hers.
“Would you drop that already?!” I snapped, glaring at her.
“Drop what?” Scor asked, looking at us like he was watching a Quidditch game.
“She thinks that Smithe and I have a shitload of repressed sexual tension and should just hook up. Which is bullshit.” I say, all while trying to glare two holes through Mary’s head.
There was a pause and I could sense everyone looking at me.
“Well, she’s right.” Freddy shrugged.
My jaw dropped and I stared at him in disbelief.
“Yeah, yeah she is.” Al added, nodding his head.
I turned my head so I could stare at him.
“Get your jaw of the ground, mate. And, yes, she’s right.” Scor tacked on from the chair.
I turned to him.
“Oh, get over yourself, James.” Mary sighed, shaking her head at me. “Honestly. Boys these days.”
“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean!” Freddy said, looking indignant.
“I just dissed your gender, silly.”
“Oh. Okay.” He mumbled.
I shook my head and was about to insert some witty comment (probably “you’re all idiots” or something equally intelligent) when I heard banging on the door.
We all turned to face it.
“OI! YOU DUMBFUCKS IN THERE! I GOT RID OF SLUGGY, NOW GET OUT!”
“Ah, the dulcet tones of Dom”, Al muttered, clapping his hands over his ears.
I gave him a look, and then I sprinted to the door and wrenched it open. Maybe if I get out of here fast enough I won’t have to face Smithe.
“Hey, that’s great, thanks so much, I owe you one, gotta go!” I yelled over my shoulder as I sprinted off down the hall.
I have no idea where I’m going to go now.
Might as well head to the kitchens. I’m hungry, anyways.
Well. That was fun. I just trapped one of my best friends in a broom cupboard with the guy she’s in love with.
I’m going to die.
She’s going to kill me.
She looked so mad when I closed the door.
I mean, her face was all red and her eyes were flashing.
It was terrifying.
I almost pissed myself. (But that was mostly from laughing so hard.)
But still. When I let her out, I’m definitely going to be murdered. No doubt about it. She’ll kill me in my sleep.
Well, might as well go to the kitchens and get my last meal.
Please review and tell me what you think, especially about the banner! Oh, and any guesses about what’s going to happen in the next chapter (when I get around to writing it)? And I’ve seen some authors ask for favorite quotes in their A/N’s, so I figured I might as well give it a shot.
Favorite quotes, anyone? (I know mine is the one on the banner.)
Anyhoo, please review!
Seriously, I want to hear anything from you guys.
It could be about Doritos, for all I care. Doritos are good, in case you were wondering. They’re very good.
(How could I not be insane if I’m writing this story?)
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