Chapter 1 : Chapter 1, The Durselby's
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Dandelion and Weed Durselby were out for a walk one sunny November day. Except they were on mobility scooters because they are too fat to walk. Oh, and it wasn’t sunny because it was November, in England, but I was just trying to set a nice scene for you. But then again, any scene with Dandelion and Weed Durselby in was not a nice scene because they were not nice people… Well, anyway! Dandelion and Weed Durselby were riding around on their mobility scooters in November drizzle when they noticed some very peculiar goings-on – erm - going on. There were lots of bizarre people in cloaks about, rejoicing about a boy named Larry Rotter and the death of Duke Mouldywarts. They were also brandishing sticks, and sparks and streamers seemed to appear from the ends.
Dandelion and Weed were utterly perplexed by this and decided to go back home because the peculiar goings-on were a bit too peculiar for their liking. They zoomed off home at a tremendously high speed of 2.5mph and settled down with their feet up on live cats. Dandelion switched on the TV to hear about some nice murders (yes they really were horrible people) on the 6 o’clock news. However, much to the elderly twin’s dismay, the reporter had finished reporting about the man who was strangled to death by a Hoover cable and had moved on to some less cheerful news.
“People all over England have been witness to some strange sights today!!! There have been reports of it raining upside-down, mysterious sparks and streamers, and more owls than wildlife experts…”
The newsreader was cut off by a loud shriek from Weed, as the fire in the fireplace turned green and dozens of owls came shooting out, into the sitting room! They flapped around madly, dropping letters left and right, as Weed went running for the door. She frantically tried to open the door, but found it wouldn’t budge. Dandelion, who had managed to keep her head through all this chaos picked up the poker from the fireplace and began beating off any murderous-looking owls. Weed, who had been frightened of birds since a turkey stole her sandwich when she was five, had given up with the door and began nervously rocking, curled up on the floor. After about ten minutes and three dead owls, the fireplace turned green once more and a tall, wispy man emerged from the flames.
“What have you done to my owls?!!!” He screamed at Dandelion, who promptly turned on him with the poker.
“Get out of my house you crazy man! Get out! And take your owls with you! Look what they are doing to my sister!”
He glanced over at Weed and looked at the sisters apologetically. He took out a bright pink sparkly stick from inside his star-spangled robes and waved it. At once, the owls stopped moving and floated harmlessly in the air.
“Thankyou,” said Dandelion. “Now kindly explain what you are doing in my house”
“Well none of my owls had returned, so I assumed something had gone wrong so I thought I would follow them here to check up on them. And now I see what has gone wrong, I sent them to a violent household!” answered the old man
“Violent? We are not at all violent!”
“Oh really? Then explain the poker and dead owls!”
Dandelion looked slightly ashamed and dropped the poker.
“Thankyou. Now allow me to introduce myself. I am Professor Wonderwall, Headmaster of Pigburps School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and lead singer of Oasis tribute band. I am here to give you this…” He reached into his robes and pulled out a bundle of blankets about the size of a sack of potatoes and handed to Dandelion, “…and to tell you to ease up on the pies. Good day sirs!” and with that he turned on his heel and disappeared, leaving the two gobsmacked women with their gobs smacked, a mysterious bundle, and a dozen unmoving owls.
What will happen next? What is in the mysterious bundle? Will Weed overcome her fear of birds? Will the twins ease up on the pies? And most importantly, will the Professor Wonderwall’s band ever get a recording contract?
Find out, um now actually, it would seem the chapter isn’t over yet…
“Get rid of the owls! They’re plotting to kill me! I can see it in their eyes!” squealed Weed.
“Fine!” Dandelion opened the window and threw the owls one by one into the street. “Happy now?”
“Thankyou, Dandy. Now, what’s in the blankets?” She took it from her sister and unravelled the package surprisingly delicately, considering her size. She discovered a baby, sleeping soundly, clutching a letter in his chubby hands. She carefully took the letter from the boy and read aloud to her sister.
“Dear Dandy (can I call you Dandy?) and Weed,
This boy here is your nephew, Larry Rotter, and he is now in your care for the next seventeen years. His parents, your sister and her husband have been killed by Duke Mouldywarts and you are the only family the boy has. I trust you to look after him as if he were your own, or you WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!!
Professor Wonderwall (the ravishing wizard you just met)”
“Well, that was certainly unexpected”
“Unexpected? Didn’t you think to read the series before hand?”
“Weed, you know I can’t read!”
“Sorry, I didn’t think. Anyway, what do you think the consequences are?” and then, as if by magic, more words appeared on the parchment…
‘P.S: the consequences are… um… I’ll eat all of your food and make you watch!’
“Why are you gasping? What does it say?”
“We have to look after this boy, we have no choice!”