Chapter 4 : Pranks, Pigtails and Pamphlets!
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This spectacular chapter image of Rose is by the fabulous emmapotter @ TDA.
“Okay!..so what’s the plan again?” Andrew asked
Ahh, Andrew the one and only person who wouldn’t get a plan after about, umm I don’t know A THOUSAND times of explaining it!
Oh dear Merlin please give this boy a brain cell, just one.
“Okay are you listening Andrew?” I say in a voice suited for three years, definitely not for a just turned 17 year old male.
I grab his chin and pull it down so he was eye level with me.
“Yes I am!” He declared brightly.
“Brilliant, because this is the FINAL time I repeat it, Do-you-understand-me?”
“Good boy,” I say “So what will happen is, we are going to plant a magnificently disgusting gooey slime in a bucket up above the potions classrooms door, which we will charm so it only drop if Albus Potter is underneath it, hence he will be slimed and I will be there with this camera which I stole from the creepy Creevey kid who has a crush on you and take a picture of Potter and then put it on the stupid SDB and see how he likes it!”
Oh I’m so unbelievably cunning.
I should have been in Slytherin.
“So that’s the plan?” Andrew asks slowly.
“Well, that is possibly the worst prank in all of Hogwarts pranking history!" He yelled "I mean it sounds almost like a really pathetic MUGGLE prank”
Yeah, well creativity was never my strong point.
“Shut up, it’s the only plan we’ve got”
“I mean I am well aware you have absolutely no creative bone in your body but this is a whole new level of suck.”
Thanks Andrew I can always count on you to tell me the brutally honest truth.
I’m feeling the love this morning.
“Wait!" Andrew was looking excited "I’ve got an idea!”
Oh this should be good.
“How about... we steal all their women?”
Ohhh, brilliant Andrew and how ‘bout we take over the world while we are at it?
“Where in your mind did that plan actually make any sense in that tiny brain of yours?!”
“Well, aren’t we a little ray of sunshine this morning” Andrew huffed
“Andrew just continue and stop being a melodramatic drama king.”
“Well, to be honest I didn’t really think, I just liked the sound of the women!”
So typically Andrew.
That boy needs to get fixed, so he doesn’t reproduce.
“Andrew can you talk serious for one fucking second!”
Surprisingly this didn’t come from me.
It came from Scorpius.
“Well someone’s on his man period today.” whispered Andrew
I could only barley hear it, Scorp didn’t hear it fortunately.
“What did you say Zabini?”
Andrew had jumped up and hid behind me.
Yeah excellent idea, jump behind the short person who is half your size in hope for protection.
Mmmm, brilliant Andrew.
“Scorp stop” He didn't notice me only moved towards Andrew
“Say that to my face Zabini!” he roared
W-O-W someone is in a foul mood.
“You want me to say something to your face? Huh! Well you smell bad! Yeah you heard me, you smell BAD! And stop leaving your dirty boxes around the room because people are complaining about it!”
“Will you bo-” I began
“Andrew, they’re your boxes!”
“Oh.....well, you still smell!”
This is what they call a man fight?
Pathetic, isn’t it.
“WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT-UP!”
They both stopped and look at me guiltily.
“First what’s the matter with you Scorp?”
“I know what it is, he has his man period!” Andrew declares
“Oi, did I ask YOU!”
“No? Well then shut your pie hole!”
I am friends with Idiots.
Or more specifically an idiot, that goes by the name of Andrew Zabini.
“Nothing, I’m fine just had a run in with someone, sorry to take it out on you Andy”
I could just tell by looking in his eyes that it was Rose. His heart was breaking because of this fucking rumour that involved Andrew, Scorp and I having a threesome.
Rose Weasley will be the death of him.
And possibly me.
But that’s most likely because she will murder me in my sleep.
“I’m sorry Scorp” Andrew gave him a ‘man hug’
Aww, that’s cute.
But don’t tell them I said that otherwise they’d skin me alive.
“Hey and what do you mean the Creevey kid has a crush on me?"
“You didn’t know?”
“Oh, well now you do."
This is awkward.
“No wonder he wanted me as a model nude for him.”
Too much information.
“Okay time to get prankin’ before I throw up in my mouth thinking about you naked” I said
“Aww, you know you’d love it”
Trust me when I say I really wouldn’t.
We were in the main corridor at this moment I felt super bad ass, I mean I have never in my life executed a prank before.
Andrew explained the plan to Scorpius.
“That’s the plan?” Scorpius asked in a condescending tone.
“I told her it sucked but she wouldn’t listen to me!”
“It doesn’t just suck it is the epitome of bad pranks.”
Jeeze thanks guys for the moral support it’s really appreciated.
“Well I don’t hear you coming up with any ideas!” I hiss
“Well you shot down my idea” Andrew said
Hmm I wonder why that would be Andrew, would it be your complete lack of a plan? Or was it because you only used your downstairs brain for that one?
“I don’t think steeling their women counts as a plan Andrew”
“Well I thought it was good”
Of course you would.
“That’s because it involves the opposite sex”
I rest my case.
I audibly slap my head.
“Don’t you love it how Andrew proves your point for you?” I ask Scorpius
Scorp laughs “Yep, one of his best qualities”
*insert spy theme song here*
I do a ninja roll on the ground and end up in front of the potions class room.
I feel super badass.
“What was the ninja roll for?” asks Scorp
“I was being badass” I state.
“No you weren’t you were just being a weirdass”
DONT MESS WITH MY BADASS STYLE!
“I have two words for you Andrew, the first is shut the other is up”
“Yeah well, you stink."
“Seriously, is that all you can come up with today Andrew?” I ask “And you say I’m not creative!”
“You’re not, this prank is proof of that.”
This prank will work.
It may not be the best plan.
It may not be a good plan.
Hell it might be the worst plan in the entire world!
But all the same it is a plan, and it will put Potter in his place.
I plonk down at the Gryffindor table with a huge sigh.
Bloody hell who knew that executing a prank could be this exhausting?
Not me that’s for sure!
I really don’t know how the Potter/ Weasley clan can be bothered to do it every single week.
Quite obviously they must be super fit.
I turn to see who it is, you can’t believe my surprise when my brother is standing before me with his hands shoved in his pockets.
“Hey Will, umm, not to be rude or anything but what are you doing here?”
“Aww that’s no way to treat your favourite brother.”
Will never socially interact with me at school, period.
“Okay, what mental pill did you consume today?”
“Because you NEVER socially interact with me at school” I state as if it is blatantly obvious.
“Aww, don’t be like that”
“Okay so let’s get back on the topic of why you are over at the Gryffindor table."
“I wanted to talk to you!”
“Well, yes, I figured that but why?”
“Because I’m your brother!” he exclaimed with a huge smile.
He’s smiling, that alone is scares me.
“Are you sure you’re okay? I think I should take you to the hospital wing.” I say and grab hold of his hand and stand up.
“No I’m fine” He pulls me back down hard.
He notices he is still holding my hand firmly and quickly let’s go.
“So what’s going on in the world of F-f-Charlie?”
Nothing that I would like to discuss with my brother.
“Aren’t you angry at Albus for pranking you?”
“At Potter? I’m not mad, I’m furious! So furious that after I am done with him he will be to embarrassed to show his ugly mug again!"
“What’s this about embarrassing Potter?”
Says a voice of an angel.
And no it’s not my brother’s voice. That would be creepy.
Mathew Wood brushed his sex god of a body next to mine as he sat down beside me
I think I just about died and went to sex god heaven!
“Oh, hey Matt” I tried to sound half way normal, but I think it came out as more of a yelp.
Could you please give me an ounce of social skills needed to talk to an attractive person of the opposite sex. This would be most appreciated.
“Hey, how are you?”
“You mean other than having my absolute demise on public display in the Gryffindor common room? Nope, I’m dandy!”
“It’s not that bad” he laughed.
“Trust me when I say it is.”
He looks so good! Nope scratch that he looks absolutely... dishy.
As in I want to eat him up right here and right now.
“SO...” my brother butts in as I wipe the drool off my face “You were saying something about getting even with Albus Potter?"
I was way too busy staring into Mathews eyes. Did you know they have three shades a blue in them?
“Yes you were.” My brother says sounding less than impressed.
Andrew is wearing off on me, I can now only think of one thing at a time especially with this eye candy presented in front of me.
“Oh, right yeah I set up a prank for him.” I smile evilly while stroking my imaginary beard.
Oh yeah I’m that cool!
I turn back to Mathew he is grinning from ear to ear.
Aww he has the cutest smile.
Oh Merlin this guys even got dimples.
OHH, how I’d like kiss the cute dimpled mouth...
Will grabs my shoulders and facing them towards him, to ensure I don’t get distracted.
Wrecking my sexy fantasy is not appreciated WILL!
“Really, so what’s the plan?”
I shake my head lightly.
Mathew Wood is really bad for the brain.
“Why are you so interested anyway?” I ask suspiciously.
“Well, I would like to know if I can help in any way of course!"
Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.
“Sorry it’s already set up, no need for your help.”
“We would still like to know Charlie” says Mathew his face bright and happy eager to know what I have in store.
Aww, how can I resist that face?
“Oh, well I guess it’s just you two, so I might as well... We, being Scorp, Andrew and I, have planted a magnificently disgusting gooey slime in a bucket up above the potions classrooms door, which we have charmed so it only drops if Potter is underneath it, hence he will be slimed and I will be there with this camera which I stole from the creepy Creevey kid and take a picture of Potter and then put it on the stupid SDB and see how he likes it!”
It sounds better every time I say it!
There was a deafening silence from both my brother and Matt.
This was rather worrying, since 99.99% of the time my brother never shuts up.
“Well that has got to be the absolute WORST plan in the WHOLE entire universe.” Will exclaimed.
Hey, I resent that.
“It isn’t that bad” Mathew said meekly
“ISN’T THAT BAD?! ISN’T THAT BAD! It’s bloody atrocious, WOOD! Only a completely insane and utter nutter could think that, that is even worth considering as a decent prank”
Hey, I’m not insane. My Mother had me tested!
“And to think I was worried” Will said under his breath.
“Why would you be worried?” I ask Will with a sceptical look on my face.
“No reason, anyway dear sister, I have to go and um... do Ravenclaw things” he got up.
“O-kay” I laughed “See you, and remember to send a birthday card to mum in a few days yeah?” I reminded him while eloping him in a massive bear hug.
He stood still for a while before returning the hug.
When he eventually let go, he coughed and then said “See you around Charlie”
And walked away.
“Not that I know your brother very well, but is it just me or was your brother acting a little strange?”
“A little? That would be an extremely nice way of saying how utterly bonkers and out of character my brother is today!”
“You are one strange bird” he laughed
Gee thanks that is what every girl wants to be known as by their crush.
That’s pretty much saying ‘Hey I’m not interested in you, but I find your freakishly deranged comments amusing’
My life is awesome.
I stand outside the potions classroom with the camera in my hand.
Oh, this is going to be epic!
The day someone will successfully prank the Albus Potter this is going to be Amazing!
There is only one thing missing, Albus Potter.
“Miss Foss have you decided you don’t want to attend today’s lesson?”
Oh icy pole sticks and butterscotch biscuits.
“No, I’m just...”
What do you say to your professor in a situation like this?
‘No, I’m just waiting outside to take a happy snap of your favourite student getting slimed and being embarrassed like hell’
“You’re just what?”
Gah, I hate it when Slughorn goes the creepy eye thing.
He raises his fat eyebrow to nearly the start of his hairline which makes his eye ball nearly pop out.
It is actually really scaring.
“Coming inside to join the class” I say solemnly.
Stupid creepy eyebrow.
I mean that is totally an un-
Laughter erupts from the classroom.
BLOODY FUCKING HELL!
WHY IN THE NAME OF MERLIN AM I, CHARLIE FOSS, COVERED IN SLIME WHEN IT WAS MEANT FOR ALBUS POTTER?
Do I look like Albus Potter?
Do I smell like Albus Potter?
I BLOODY WELL HOPE NOT!
Do I taste like Albus Potter?
Err, I actually don’t know what Albus Potter tastes like so I can’t really comment on that one, for all I know we might just taste the same.
Err, Moving on....
Unfortunately that sound did not come out of my camera catching Albus Potter slimed and embarrassed.
I whip my head around to where I heard the click, to confront Potter 2.
But to my surprise Potter 2 isn’t the one taking the picture.
“ROSE?!” I yell outraged
That little bitch!
No I take that back.
That absolute BIG FAT BITCH.
Rose smirks as she holds the camera in between her hands, I see Potter 2 grimacing at her from behind.
For a reason which is unclear at this moment.
“Rose! I am the only person who is allowed to take pictures of her! She’s my enemy, NOT yours!”
He is worried that someone will take his lime light.
“Well she’s mine now, as well.”
Stupid idiotic bitch.
I didn’t sleep with lover boy ok.
Suddenly I feel rather strange.
“All right that’s enough; Miss Foss, Miss Weasley and Mr. Potter get to your seats this instance”
Rose and Potter 2 just walked to their seats NORMALLY, like a NORMAL person would.
Instead I cried.
And not silent tears either I was balling my fucking eyes out!
The thing is I wasn’t sad at all.
It was like I could no longer control my own tears.
“Wahhhh, I so sowy Sluggy wuggy. I didn’ts mean to take up any of yours class time”
WHERE IN GOOD MERLIN DID THAT COME FROM!
I DO NOT call my potions teacher ‘sluggy wuggy’ EVER!
What is wrong with me!
“Err, that’s ok Miss Foss just take your seat next to Mr. Potter”
I skip to my seat while twisting my hair into ringlets.
Slughorn started to crap on about the potion we were going to do today.
Which was really uninteresting.
“Dis is bowing” I sigh loudly
Fuck I wasn’t supposed to say that aloud!
“Fine if this is so boring you can all start on your potions, NOW!”
Everyone got up hastily and went to fetch their ingredients.
Slughorn was in a shitty mood
And it was only 99.99% because of me.
The other 0.01% because he is a grumpy old dude.
“I guess I’ll go get the ingredients then” he smirked.
Stupid smirking IDIOT!
Everyone was now already starting making their potion.
And where is Potter, I hear you ask.
Yes well I would also like to know the answer to that one!
What the bloody hell is he doing in there?
Trust me when I say there is not much you can do while getting your ingredients, other than GETING YOUR INGRIDIENTS.
“So are we going to get started on this potion or what?”
Oh so now you decide show up!
“You’re a bery bery slow getter of fings. You knows dat?”
Wait sorry I must have misheard myself, see, I thought I heard myself say ‘berry berry slow getter of fings.’
Wait what, I did?!
Oh sweet mother of Merlin.
“And you’re a absolute dumb ass but you don’t see me commenting on that...oh wait, I just did.” He said as he was putting some of the ingredients into the potion.
Oh no you don’t Potter not on my watch!
Suddenly again I don’t have control of my body.
But this time I don’t mind.
As I start to grab for Potters hair, he asks “What are you doing?”
I got a great big chunk of his hair and started pushing his head down to the table.
Woops. There goes some brain cells.
I keep doing it again and again until, I pull a little too hard and suddenly I don’t have control of his head anymore, instead I have a huge chunk of his hair left in my hand.
“FOSS!!” he bellows and quickly jumps up.
When he jumps up, he accidently pushes over the boiling cauldron of potion onto both of us.
“ARRRR!” I screech
Fuck, that bloody hot!
That complete and utter stupid bastard!
“THAT’S IT BOTH OF YOU TO THE HOSPITAL WING NOW!"
“Alright, there is nothing I can do for both of you until, Mr Potter changes you back to your original state.”
“Nope, I refuse to.”
That selfish bastard!
Let me remind you Potter that you might be very fine and well with the searing plain ALL over your body BUT I most certainly am NOT!
“oouu, big meanie”
Ohhh fuck this baby talk.
“Mr Potter you will change her back”
This comes from a very stern looking Professor McGonagall.
“No. I refuse! Ouch!”
I slapped him hard on the arm.
“Well then, I have no choice.” She says deadpan.
Then with a wave of her wand, Potter and I are joined by the wrist.
Aww, HELL NO!
“There is no way you are allowed to do this!” Potter screech.
Yes that’s right Albus Potter screeched like a little girl when he saw he was attached to me.
“On the contrary Potter I am. And you will not be unattached to Miss Foss until you release the spell off her”
“Come and get me when you have finally decided you will take the charm off her. I have other matters to attend to.”
Well fuck me.
I am stuck to Albus Potter and am unable to say something audibly without it being incoherent.
Yay for me life just got so much better.
So I figure if can’t say anything coherent I’ll should just glare at him.
“Stop glaring at me Foss it is annoying as hell!"
Really? W-O-W! I should glare at him more often!
I continue to glare.
“Oh please, you think I like this situation anymore than you do?”
I raise my eyebrows.
“I’m not letting you win this one Foss!”
When do I ever win? Can’t a person just give me some slack?
Oh, well you just suck then!
Okay, desperate times call for desperate measures!
I give Potter the puppy dog eyes.
As you can tell I’m very, very desperate.
“Aww, come on this is black mail! You can’t give me that look!”
Look into my eyes Albus Potter and repeat after me ‘I will release the spell off you so we can be healed’
“Nope we are just going to have to stay like this until Minnie gives in”
McGonagall, give in?
I REFUSE TO WAIT THAT LONG!
“Ouch, that bloody hurt Foss!”
I give him a Rose Weasley worthy death glare.
“Fine we’ll go find Minne then”
Thank you Merlin, I knew you loved me!
“There it’s off! Happy? Now can we please get back to the hospital wing? I’m dying here!”
I hate you Potter.
We had been waiting outside Professor McGonagall’s office for what seemed like hours, before she showed up.
Let me tell you that being attached to Albus Potter is like being attached to a three year old child.
Annoying as all fuck!
“Let me see proof that she is back to her original state.”
They both look at me.
Oh, right it’s my turn!
“I think I’m okay”
And I’m finally talking normally!
....Or you know, not like a three year old anyway.
“Okay, you may leave”
Oh I knew there had to be a but somewhere.
There’s always big BUTS with McGonagall
“You both have Detention with me Saturday night”
Fuck my life.
I mean seriously this isn't even my fault!
“Obviously you both need to learn how to get along properly. Goodbye”
Well shitty, shittty, bum, bum, CRAP!
This just tops my FREAKING awesome day.
“This is all your fault!” I scream once we are down the corridor.
“My fault! I fail to see how it is MY fault”
Well I fail to see how it isn’t.
“You can’t be serious! You were the one who decided to put an infant charm on the slime.”
“Oh get over it, it is one measly detention. Plus you brought it on yourself. You were the one who decided you were going to try to prank me. Who is stupid enough to do that? Oh wait, you are!”
HOW DARE HE!
“I am not stupid, you arsehole! And how did you know I was going to prank you anyway?”
As much as he would like to be he is not a mind reader.
“I have my ways dear sister”
Why is he calling me his sister?
What did I do for him to concider this as a brother-sister relationship?
Or more importantly when have I ever been classified as his ‘sister’!
Wait a minute....
My brother was acting really weird today
Very off and not himself...
Oh my Merlin!
My eyes go wide.
“Yes, I know how brilliant am I”
“Ur...burr...terr” I spluttered
I can't even think enough to string a sentence together
“Anyway I have much better things to be doing then to be here with you spluttering on me. Ciao.”
He left me standing there looking dumbfounded.
Then it hit me.
I hugged Potter.
Oh sweet merciful Merlin.
“Hey Char, you might want to know..”
Nope I’m not interested.
“Trust me when I say I don’t want to hear it”
“But I just thought you might...”
“ANDREW, leave it.”
Was it not clear enough for you?
“Fine but you can’t say I didn’t try and warn you.”
‘Fine but you can’t say I didn’t try and warn you’ fuck you Andrew
As you can plainly see being a crabby bitch is part of my charm today.
“Miss Foss, may we have a word in my office for a second.” Professor McGonagall said
Where the bloody hell did she come from?
Came out of literally thin air!
“Err I guess so..”
“Here take a condom” she pushes it to me and waves it up in my face, once we were in her office.
Well this is sufficiently awkward.
“I don’t need one.”
She is still waving it in my face.
Weird old bat.
“I know but you know just in case you decide to again someday” she grabs my hand and put’s it into my palm.
“So” she began again. “I have heard of your recent....err....predicament”
“Sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about”
“Now Miss Foss I think you know exactly what I’m talking about”
Um really I don’t.
Maybe she is talking about the Pranks.
“Okay, I know I said one thing to him and but now he is just unable to stop and now I am constantly in trouble and doing bad at school and I’m very embarrassed” I wail.
Seriously this venting stuff really works!
“I suppose you would be with the whole school aware of your situation. But you can’t just blame it on him you know”
“Your right, Rose also had a hand in this as well”
“ROSE?! Why are we talking about Rose!”
Now, I’m really lost.
“I’m talking about the constant pranks I have been a victim to. What are you talking about?!”
“Miss Foss I am talking about you becoming a teenage mum!”
I’M NOT PREGNANT!
“I’M NOT PREGNANT!” I shout, wide eyed and jaw dropped.
“Miss Foss, this is a safe place you don’t have to hide thing in there, I understand. Here I have collected some Pamphlets for you about parenting”
I am going to brutally murder Albus Potter.
First he is going to be hanged.
Then he is going to be guillotined.
Then I will personally chop him up into tiny, tiny pieces.
And finally I will feed him to that freaky family of his!
“Yes, I know this is knew for you and you need some time to adjust to it all, but you really need to tell the father”
The imaginary one who lives inside your head!
“Umm you do know that....”
“It’s okay you can go now. And please read over the pamphlets I gave you, they will help.”
I look down at the Pamphlets and I read the title of the first pamphlet
‘You and your baby: Parental care’
Oh why is it always me?
Yes I know it has been a while, I really, really sorry! Anywho I appologise for the crappy chappy (hehe) but there had to be a filler somewhere. I would like to thank Hermione288061(who holds the title of my most reviews in a row), Me, Myself and I, marciabarcia, malfoydraco, Phoneix Song 13, Wingardium Leviosa, Love Goddess, SexyDoorFrames, Dark (kim), Callmedaynuhh, MarionXFairytale, Autumn_Blair, AlexFan, Sortending, Dinasayah, Life As We Know It, LillyLover22 and Hushpuppy for reviewing my last chapter! Thanks Guys! :D
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