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shadow dancer by ericajen
Chapter 4 : despicable
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 1

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I continued to see Harvey after that. I wish I could say our meetings began to dwindle, but they didn’t. He was persistent, and I stupidly followed along with it. It’s something I regret, but I can’t take it back. I felt like I was being pulled in by the situation. Because nothing… unsavory had happened between us, it didn’t seem so bad. I knew what I was doing was wrong – and that’s something I have to live with – but it didn’t feel like I was necessarily cheating on Lysander, either. In my mind, it was not an affair. Not until one night when Harvey asked me to his flat for drinks.

It was a slippery slope, and somewhere deep down inside I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I let him Apparate me to his flat, but I did it anyway.

He poured me a glass of wine and we sat and talked for awhile, sitting on his couch. I wasn’t surprised when he leaned over and kissed me. What happened after that… well, I regret every single moment after that.

I don’t know what possessed me to cheat on Lysander like I did. Things weren’t the greatest between us at that point, but I still loved him. I guess I just kept thinking about how we seemed to be so distant from each other. We barely even saw each other, because our schedules were so different and we became less and less inclined to switch things around for each other.

So our relationship wasn’t perfect. But whose is? What I did was beyond low; beyond despicable. I will never forgive myself for what happened. Even if it wasn’t directly by my hand that Lysander died… it feels like I’m the one who did it. Like I’m the one who killed him. Like I’m the guilty one, even though it was Harvey who did the final deed.

Lysander was such an amazing person. I remember how I fell in love with him the summer after we graduated from Hogwarts. He was so full of life and his smile was infectious. I always thought he liked me, too, but it took him over a year to ask me out. He was worth the wait.

I know I said no relationship is perfect, but for awhile, ours was. It didn’t last; nothing perfect lasts, but it was nearly a year before we even had our first big argument. I don’t even remember what it was about now; we made up so quickly.

It seemed like nothing could break us. We were two people who, when together, became indestructible. Nothing could slow us down. Lysander had this philosophy of living every day like it was his last, and he brought me into it, as well. We did live like that. For a long time, every day was lived like we could die at any moment. And even when things began to become a bit harder, when our relationship became more difficult, we still clung onto that idea.

And then Harvey came along and I ruined everything.




A/N: Just a quick note that I'm posting the rest of the story right now so there probably won't be any more author notes until the end! Soo until then -tips nonexistent hat-

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