Chapter 1 : A Mother's Love
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You would glare at me, with my own eyes, back straight, expression defiant. So headstrong, even as a little boy. Demanding to be allowed to play half an hour longer before bedtime.
We were too similar, you and I. Made of the same stuff; steel and fire, stubborn to a fault. Always needing to have the last word, with tempers we struggled to control. Oh, how you used to enrage me, Sirius. You knew exactly which buttons to press.
Your brother and father were of a different kind. Mellow. Cautious. Water.
It was effortless with your brother. Like breathing. With you it was an uphill struggle every day.
You thought it was favouritism. Silly boy, no one could ever take your place. Just like no one could ever fill the space in my heart that belongs to Regulus. It belongs to both of you.
You'd never believe it, of course. After all, you believe I'm heartless don't you, Sirius? That I'm made of stone.
Would you have preferred it if I was more like Marryan Potter, the old wench? If I had showered you with hugs and kisses and gushed pure honey? It wasn't me. I brought you up the way I had been raised. I kept my distance, perhaps too much.
You complained that whenever I would look at you, it was with a critical eye. That I saw nothing of value. I criticised because I had to, Sirius. I was your mother, how else would you grow? The truth is that I would see you and feel a fierce pride. How could I not? As much as you vexed me with your ridiculous views, your backbone, your strength and your spirit, were plain to see, particularly as most of the time they were armed against me.
You single handedly made a mockery of our family. Sometimes I think you did it just to make me angry. You were fourteen. I remember walking into your room after you had decorated it. I saw red. I thought I was going to have an aneurysm. And there you were, lounging on the bed, trying not to laugh. The whole of London probably heard the resulting shouting match. We called each other every name under the sun. Deny it all you want, but you have the famous Black pride; never give up, never back down. We were still fighting when Orion came home from work. He told me to calm down, that you were just going through a passing phase.
But I understand you better. I know you better than anyone on this planet, better than you know yourself. It was raining, you couldn't go outside, your moronic little friends, including Maryann's little twit, were all otherwise engaged and you were bored. What better way to get a little entertainment than to antagonise your mother? You little sod.
That was the first day you had threatened to run away and I had laughed in your face. I never believed for a moment you'd actually do it. I underestimated you.
One morning, two years later, your room was empty. No goodbye, no letter, nothing.
How could you do that to me Sirius? Do you have any idea how it felt?
Of course you don't. You threw your family away without giving us a second thought.
We don't show weakness or vulnerability you or I, but when you left that day, you took a piece of me with you. I raged and I stormed and I blasted your name from the tapestry. If only it was that easy.
When the mask of anger wore away, the truth I hid from everyone consumed me. I missed you dearly. The house was so quiet without you.
I wondered where you were, what you were doing. I wondered if you were safe.
I watched you, on the platform, as you embraced her. Your new mother. I wanted to curse you both. You looked happy. It had been a while since I had heard your laugh, seen you smile. I despised you for it, how dare you laugh and smile without a thought to what you had done to me?
All I wanted was for you to accept our way of life, to honour our family and its traditions. But you wanted happiness, didn't you son? Well, are you happy now, alone in your cell in Azkaban?
It's just you and I left now boy. Your brother and father have gone. We hold on to life with a desperate tenacity. I will succumb soon, I can feel death call to me. I know this. I also know that you are innocent. As much as it pains me to admit, you loved Maryanns boy more than you had ever loved your own flesh and blood. I don't believe you betrayed him, and I do know you Sirius. More than you can imagine.
If there is a way out of that place, I know you will find it and that gives me strength. I have faith in you. You are half me; a fighter, a survivor.
I am not perfect, I know this. I made mistakes, some of them fatal to our family, but I always had the best intentions. I only wanted what was best for you.
From the day you were born, you were never far from my thoughts.
You don't believe I loved you?
I loved you more than you will ever know.
What the heck is this?
I have no idea.
Sirius describes his mother as a kind of heartless shrew - but he'd be a little biased don't you think?
A short drabble that's been rattling around, thought I'd post it.
2/5/11 edit: a few question marks that were doing my head in. AAARGH I accidentally deleted this chapter, luckily I had it saved elsewhere, but now I've lost all my reviews :(
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