9:30 AM the next day, I was rushed of my feet, the maternity ward was packed, people crammed in waiting for beds, or their appointments. It had been like this, for hours, it was horrible when it was like this, but it is London, so what else can I expect when I live here?
I had been overrun since I arrived at 8.00 AM, thoughts, feelings and cares which I left at the entrance to the hospital. Everything waiting in the balance until I had a free moment, and looking at my life now I had none. I hadn’t seen any of my usual patients all morning; they were all being cared for by other midwives.
I was feeling stressed, and slightly grouchy from being tired as I had hardly slept last night, it was a struggle just to keep my body pushing forward and watch all the joys and miracles of women giving birth to their children keeping me going.
I was still restless. Restless with the hope that what I did was for the right reasons, but still with the guilt trickling through my veins. I was hurting, hurting from the pain. The pain that I had caused and still continued to cause, on everyone around me, everyone in my present, everyone in my past.
Jayne was calling me again.
“Could you deliver these forms for me?” she asked, holding out a small white envelope, and some papers stacked on top, including a note.
They were some stats for Doctor Henderickson the head Doctor.
“Doctor, Jayne gave me these to give to you” I said knocking tentatively on the door of his office.
“Ahh Evelyn, come on in” he said, welcomingly. He was sat behind his desk apparently reading some other stats.
e was a very handsome man, with dark wavy hair which fell beautifully into his crystal blue eyes; he had a body which probably clocked, around five hours in the gym lifting weights a week-not that I had noticed.
“I don’t see you nearly enough” he said with a smile. He has two slight dimples.
A quiet laugh escaped my lips.
“I’m sure you see more interesting people other than me.” I said gesturing to the rest of the ward.
“Why don’t you sit down” he said smiling, gesturing to the seat next to him.
I suddenly realised how awkward it looked, me just standing in the doorway (much like a lemon). I moved to sit in the space.
“How have you been?” he said smiling, I noticed he’d moved a few centimetres towards me, his hands resting on his legs, slightly leaning toward me.
“Umm, alright..., A little rushed off my feet” I answered a small laugh escaping me; I noticed that I felt more relaxed than I normally did. “You?”
“Work...” he said smiling. “You know I think we both need a break, you’re looking tired, and I haven’t had a chance to catch up with you since, the New Year’s Eve party, Do you remember?”
“Yes I seem to remember things, being maybe a little overly friendly” I answered back, unable to hide a teasing lilt to my voice.
He tried to bite back a laugh.
“What can I say; everyone needs to kiss someone at midnight. Brings good luck to the new year” he said smiling, his eyes glittered at me.
“Have you felt any of that luck yet?” I asked, a sly smile spreading its way across my face. I don’t know what was possessing me to flirt with him, I hadn’t done this in years. I felt guilty then, for my past, but pleased with myself for the present, I felt free, free to just be me, for the first time in 3 years.
“Hmmm...” He said contemplating his answer, with a sly smile. “Well I haven’t had too much luck yet, but maybe my luck will change...”
I laughed, noticing how close he had become to me, heads width apart.
“Hmmm, maybe” I deliberated slowly. “There is always the future.”
I realised just as I said this, how cheesy and inappropriate our conversation had become, a rosy pink blush, crept its way onto my cheeks. I rushed hurriedly to my feet.
“I had better go I have... things to-things to do” I said hurriedly, colouring and a thick fake smile plastering itself onto my face.
“Eve, I was meaning to ask you-“He said quickly, beginning to stand up. But before he could continue I rushed out of the door, and ran along the corridor, before collapsing on the nearest wall, breathing out a troubled sigh.
What had I done? I kept asking myself.
Evelyn-why? Why’d you do that? This wasn’t like me; I never played games with guys- not anymore. I never went out of mu way to outwardly flirt-not even at work parties; it was just an accident-with Charlie- a huge mistake- a one off even. An accident it wasn’t like me-not at all...
I went around the hospital for the rest of the day in a slight daze, surprised at my actions – maybe after 3 years I could finally move on? No deliberated. No I kept telling myself not yet...
Always hold on to the past.
At the end of my shift, I practically ran out of the building, skipping out of the hospital, ready to be home.
Rummaging through my handbag, trying to find my mobile phone, I walked smack bang into someone.
I looked up, my eyes bulging slightly at the sight in front of them, the person looked at me- I vaguely remembered this person- where had I seen this person before- a patient-no, maybe a friend-no- I had no one now...
A pair of hands grabbed my shoulders, and spun me around.
“You ought to watch where you’re going Eve” It was Charlie; I was shocked to find him standing behind me.
I nodded slightly, still surprised, still trying to figure out who this person was...
I turned around slightly cramming my head, only to see the weirdly familiar figure rushing its way through the busy crowds.
“Umm yeah...”I replied slightly in a daze. I noticed he was still holding my arms I tried to shift out of his way, but his cool, clear blue eyes fixed me there, unchallenging me to move.
“Do you want a lift home?” He asked gesturing towards the hospital car park, with his keys.
“No-no its fine- I can walk “I answered, smiling tentatively.
“No-honestly, come on” He said smiling kindly at me.
“Charlie, it’s awfully kind of you, but I enjoy the walk” I replied closing the subject.
“Rather you than me” He sighed, with a smile.
I gave a small laugh.
“Eve, I was wondering...” he trailed off. I looked at him curiously, completely unassuming.
“Yes” I asked quickly.
“Um- do you-“he broke off, pausing slightly for a breath.” Do you want to come with me to this-uhh Doctors Union Ball thing on Saturday with me? It won’t be much fun- but I would be honoured if you would be my plus one...”
“I’ll even buy us dinner before” He crossed his fingers in front of him for hope, which made me laugh.
He sounded nervous, a tentative smile playing around his lips. I wondered why he was nervous- a guy like him...
“Umm- yeah- yeah Charlie I would, I would uhh- love to go with you” I said, taken aback at my answer. “Bt only if it includes dessert”
I was teasing him, it made us both laugh.
“I am going to have to think about that one, you could be an expensive date. “ His eyes twinkled, his mouth curling up into an easy smile.
“Water?” He asked.
“No!” I said jokingly stubbornly. “The restaurant’s finest red.”
“If that’s what the lady wants, then she shall get.”He announced with a sparkle in his eye, he gave me the Boy Scout honour.
We soon left each other’s company, telling each other that we will see each other soon, and to finalise our plans. I felt giddy. I know we are just friends, and it’s just to meet some “acquaintances” but it felt so good, just to be asked on a date again, a temporary high.
I walked back home in a daze, and on arriving and walking into my house, I found Ivy and Annabelle, lying on the sofa, reading a fairy tale story.
“Hey” I announced into the room.
Ivy looked round, half expecting me to be in the same mood I was in this morning, only to find herself being shocked and surprised.
“What happened to you?” she asked.
“Nothing” I answered.
“It doesn’t look like nothing-Belle doesn’t Eve have a glow about her” Ivy asked with a smirk.
“Hmmm-Ivy! She looks happy” A gurgle escaped Belle’s lips a tiny happy baby laugh, making me smile lovingly at her.
"Spill...”Ivy demanded sitting up, and removing all the blankets wrapped around her.
“Nothing” I said maybe a little too innocently.
Ivy crossed her arms and cocked one of her perfect eyebrows, demanding an explanation.
I sighed exasperated.
“Well, do you remember when Annabelle got a really bad flu, do you remember Dr Henderickson?”
She nodded her head transmitting a silent slow yes. Then it was like a light had gone off in her head.
“Didn’t you two-“
“Yes” I answered back exasperatedly, also giving a loud awkward cough, that said do not discuss this further.
“Ahh” Ivy said. “What happened?”
“Uhh- He asked me on a date...” I answered sheepishly, looking down at my lap.
“WHOA-he asked you on a date” Ivy was practically shrieking, jumping off the sofa.”THIS IS AMAZING EVIE” I am so happy for you!”
We both ended up smiling quite stupidly at each other, discussing the detail, and plans of the date, But most importantly what to wear?
“I shall take you shopping Evelyn!” She announced.
She then put a hand affectionately on my leg and asked me.”Are you sure you want to do this-and your ready?”
“Yes” I said firmly, I had decided, I am no longer going to waste my time on something that will never be.
Closure I decided. Closure is what I have needed all along. I need closure to get on in my life, to forget the past-maybe Charlie was good for me? A fresh start-I had been looking after my family for years, Maybe I now needed time to look after myself, and maybe-one day- have someone look after me...
Someone to come home to and give me a warm hug, someone to caress me, make me lose my every train of thought, every worry I had at that moment, just with a small kiss.
Someone to say I love you, someone to hold my hand through the good times and the bad-No I have never had anyone to hold my hand when things got tough...Men were selfish...He was selfish...
Maybe that’s where my trust had gone; I had left it, when I had left him...
Maybe Charlie can change that, make me believe in something hopes, dreams and ambitions, make me believe anything is possible-I thought I had that once, but I was wrong- so wrong, wrong enough to hurt the dearest people in the world, I didn’t mean too, I am now lost because of it, a lost soul maybe Charlie can bring me back...
Make me Smile...
Make me laugh...
Make me believe that every day was special when I looked into his eyes...
I had that once-perhaps it is a bad idea for me to have that again...Maybe it would kill me...
His bark like laugh...
Made me shiver with apprehension...shivering with delight at remembering...
We lay out watching the stars, naming each of them, watching their twinkling light shine over us, watching us, giving us security, allowing us to safely be together.
A hand ran up my thighs, making me giggle with anticipation, and my cheeks going hot at realising what he would do next.
I could feel warm breath tickling the hairs on the back of my neck gently nuzzling at my neck, and then laving soft, sweet kisses in the hot fire that it left behind.
“Evelyn.” He whispered breathing, into my ear, sending shivers through me at his closeness.
“Mmhh”I murmured back, sighing slightly in contentment.
“I love you” he whispered. I turned and gazed into his pitiless eyes taking in how perfect the night has been
“You will be saying a lot more in a moment” I said a huskiness slowly making its way into my voice.
A deep throaty laugh escaped his lips, making the sides of his eyes crease into crinkled lines. I reached forward connecting my lips to his, an overpowering sense of freedom awakened when our lips touched, a feeling that we could do anything we wanted under the stars, and no one would know, just us, alone, together- I wanted this time so badly before everything changed- this perfect time with him, an eclipse of the stars above us, bringing us to our perfect heaven.
It felt wonderful to be with him like this, I loved him, he would never let me go, never let anything happen to me, protect me, he would be my rock, I could and would, never let him out of my sight.
I broke off gasping for air..
“I love you too.”
No- No i can’t go back to that again, i can’t ever feel like that again it would not be fair- it would not be fair on anybody...
I do not have the strength to do that again-ever-with anyone...
I can’t- not even with Charlie-It would break me...
Charlie can’t do any of that-not for me..
I am broken. I am damaged goods; no one can change that. I have been broken too much. I am beyond repair...
No one can fix that...
Not even closure...