Chapter 16 : Rainbows and Sunshine Unicorns.
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That was the single, frenzied thought that flew through my mind as I kissed Al like I was in the bloody Sahara and his saliva was my only source of nutrition.
And why, you may ask in that candidly intelligent tone of yours that I so desperately lack, are you panicking, dearest Adele?
Well, it’s bad, I can tell you that much.
In fact, it’s really bad. So bad, that I might actually have to go…cry…or something equally emotional and un-Adele-like. Unfortunately, I don’t cry so it’ll probably involve inhumane amounts of chocolate, dramatic declarations of various homicides and curses to the deities, and Rose. Rose helps in times like these. Unless she’s too busy singing her ‘I-told-you-so!’ song.
I hate that bloody song.
But anyway, I’m in a fix. A sticky situation. Like, a honey and lipgloss kind of sticky situation. Legit stuff, here.
I…Adele Ophelia Marilyn Jeanette Malfoy Potter…am…
Shit, I hate saying this.
It’s really bad.
I need to go kick a grandmother in order to feel better about this whole thing. What happened to being heartless and uncaring and generally bitchy?! THANKS FOR SHOOTING TO HELL, CONVENIENT PERSONALITY. NOW I’M STUCK WITH THIS POOPAGE. TRAITOR.
You know what the number one issue with being in…IT with Al Potter is?
The little issue called ‘oh hey, he only wants me for my potential shagging abilities!’
And here I am, all stupidly emotion-filled and in…you know.
I think I actually might cry.
“We should stay here all day,” Al murmured, brushing his mouth down to my ear and then stuffing his face in my hair. He took a deep breath that sounded a lot like contentment to my biased ears. I thanked Merlin silently that I’d washed my hair the night before.
We’ll talk about this…predicament later. You’re not off the hook just yet, Merlin.
“We live in this house with your entire family,” I reminded him, “They’d notice.”
He groaned in exasperation and my stomach erupted into a billion rabid birds intent on ripping me from the inside out. I groaned in retaliation.
You know what I noticed about Al?
His eyes are really freaking green. And yeah, I know that he’s known for those brilliant green eyes that he got from his beautiful grandmother and whatnot. But I never really noticed until now how completely green they are. It’s like…a forest in the rain. Everything looks fresher and greener and sparkling with diamond drops and life.
That’s what his eyes look like. Hypnotizing.
Insert: Uncomfortable Bowel Movements (translation into Girly Talk: Butterflies).
And he has a really great laugh, too. It makes me want to laugh along because he looks so damned happy doing it, so even laughing along with him makes a person want to be happy. And his smile gives me bowel movements.
I would comment on his hair, but that would be akin to admitting attraction to my father and brother-in-law. So we’re really just not going to go into that.
(But really, how the hell is it so black? And soft? And sexily-messy looking? And shiny?! In what kind of messed-up world do men have shiny luscious hair? WHAT KIND OF BULLSIT IS THIS.)
Gah on all of this stupid poo.
I stabbed my fork into my pancakes perhaps a bit more moodily than necessary. Lily gave me a nervous look.
You know what, Lily – you try being in lo—THING with your older brother and see how chipper that makes you! What, do you expect me to go skipping along life farting rainbows and shitting sunshine unicorns because of this predicament? WELL NO. I DON’T DO RAINBOWS OR SUNSHINE UNICORNS. SO DON’T JUDGE.
Bloody hell, I’m going to end up in Mungo’s before this day is over.
“So Adele,” Harry said, cheerfully oblivious to my murderous expression, “Got any plans for today?”
Oh, nothing much – just going to fix up the wonked-up excuse of a relationship between your niece and my brother (both of whom are varying degrees of idiot), read up on Healing and probably snog your middle-born child some more. Cheers!
“I’ll probably just hang out.”
“Sounds like a plan,” he replied, dumping more syrup on his waffles. “I’m gonna go to work and hex people!”
“…wow Dad, you’re so cool,” James deadpanned into his cereal.
“Jealous,” Harry scoffed into his pancake. Ginny hit him over the back of his head with a rolled-up newspaper she kept for these exact purposes.
“Totally,” James smirked, “I get to go to work and come up with awesome prank devices and you have to chase bad guys and do paperwork.”
“To each his own.”
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“It means you should shut up before I hex you,” Lily chimed in grumpily. She’s not a morning person.
The Man Who Defeated Voldemort and the 18-year-old filthy rich Co-Owner of the Wizarding World’s most powerful business cowered.
I laughed and got two dirty looks from aforementioned impressive men.
“Morning, guys!” Al said loudly as he ambled into the kitchen. My stomach flipped over. Damnit.
“Hello, love, have some pancakes.”
“Die in hell.”
Al looked at me. “Hey,” I said quietly. His face broke out into another bone-melting smile and he leaned down and kissed me smack on the mouth in front of his entire family.
And then he sat down like this was completely normal, accepted, and expected.
MY BRAIN HAS CONKED OUT.
WHAT IS HAPPENING.
OH MY GOD, WHAT IS GOING ON I AM FREAKING OUT THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
“Can I have eight pancakes?”
“Do you want to make it to lunch?”
“Three it is!”
“My job is still better than yours.”
“I am going to hex you.”
“Lily Luna, be nice to your brother.”
“Yeah, Lily Luna, be nice to – hey! Ow! MUM! SHE BIT ME OW WHAT THE FUCK! MUM!”
“James! Language! And Lily, what have I told you about biting your brother?”
“He started it.”
“Why are you still here, you little bum? Get your own house, we don’t want you living with us anymore.”
“Hey, that was mean! Mum wants me, right mum?”
…why isn’t anyone exploding? Why is everyone so nonchalant about this?! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO IS AWARE OF THESE DEVELOPMENTS OR SOMETHING?
“You look like you’re in shock,” Al said casually to me as he poured half a bottle of syrup on his pancakes.
My face immediately turned red.
I’m such a catch. Goshdarn Al Potter, you sure are one lucky blighter.
“I wasn’t aware we were at the stage of PDA,” I said carefully.
Al shrugged like it was no big deal. “You’re my wife. I’m allowed to kiss you good morning, it’s not exactly PDA.”
Damn these bowel movements. Butterflies. Whatever you want to call the weird fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“You have a hickey on your neck,” I said after failing to come up with something reasonable to respond to his casual statement.
He grinned lecherously at me. “So do you.”
I showed him my favorite finger.
“Adele Potter, do that one more time and I’ll hex your hands together!”
Note to self: make sure Ginny can’t see you when you’re flipping her child off.
Harry winked at me from across the table.
…I adore this family.
“Of course I don’t like him,” Rose said dismissively as she came out of her closet and regarded herself carefully in the mirror. The dress she was wearing – a vibrant red, flowy number that was sure to give Scorpius some form of minor heart attack – swirled around her knees as she turned to look at it from the side and back. She made a face.
“It looks pretty, stop underestimating yourself,” I said, leaning back on her bed. “And please also try not to kid yourself Rose. You do like him.”
Rose laughed airily. I know her too well, I can tell when she’s faking nonchalance.
“I won’t deny that he’s a good-looking kid, because that would just be stupid of me,” Rose said. I rolled my eyes. At least she admits he’s attractive. Though I don’t know how good that is; everyone thinks Scorpius is attractive. Even Hermione Weasley blushed at him when he told her she looked beautiful at that one Wizarding Function we had to go to.
Granted, he was only trying to sugar up the in-laws, but it’s a bit stupid to say that to Ron Weasley’s wife when he’s standing right next to her.
As a result, Mr. Weasley isn’t exactly fond of Scorpius.
At least Rose’s mom loves him.
“But I don’t fancy him or anything,” Rose finished stubbornly.
“Don’t make me do something drastic in order to get the truth out of you, Rose.”
There was a moment’s silence while she processed my threat. She knows how serious I am – last time she lied to me, I gave her Veritaserum and she yelled out her secrets to the whole Gryffindor Tower. She was mad at me for a whole week after that. I mean, it’s not my fault she started screaming out her true feelings on things in front of everyone; I just wanted to get her alone in her room so she could tell me.
Telling everyone else was just an added bonus.
And she got over it.
But the mental scarring has impacted her forever.
“Fine,” Rose muttered sulkily, turning back to the mirror and sighing at her reflection. “I fancy him. Happy?”
I beamed. “Ecstatic.”
She harrumphed and pouted.
“You know he fancies you back,” I told her carefully. I watched her reflection in the mirror; she lowered her eyes and bit her lip so I couldn’t read her expression.
Damn Rose Weasley and her Adele-smarts.
“Why did you say no to him?” I asked quietly.
Rose didn’t say anything, but let out a shaky breath.
“He’s not going to break your heart, Rose. I know you’re afraid of that, but honestly, I think you mean a lot to Scorpius. He’s been sulking this whole week because of your rejection.”
Still no response.
“I’m in L-Word with your cousin,” I blurted out finally.
Rose looked up with huge eyes and screamed in glee.
Well, at least I know she’s been listening to me.
“I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN ONE DAY! OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO ROMANTIC AND CUTE AND –”
“Is everything alright in here?”
I unplugged my ears and opened my eyes, ready to spew a thousand thankyou’s at whoever had saved me from Rose’s freak-out session.
It was Al.
I knew that kid was good for something. My L-word for him has intensified.
“Ohmigawd, yes!” Rose gushed like the clod she is, “Everything is just…beautiful, Al. I’m just…so – happy for you guys, and just… I’m just…oh god…”
She burst into tears and sprinted into her bathroom.
This is my best friend.
“Um, what was that about?” Al finally asked unsurely after Rose’s wails had subsided into sniffles of joy. My face bloomed red again.
One of these days, I’ll just permanently turn into a tomato.
I shrugged as casually as I could, “She’s a part of your gene pool, don’t ask me.”
“You know,” he smirked, pushing off of the doorframe where he was propped against (and giving me heart palpitations because it should probably be illegal for someone to look that delicious all the time), strutting towards Rose’s bed – I scoffed and rolled my eyes to cover my attraction – and putting his hands on either side of my legs and leaning over me, “technically, deep in there somewhere, she’s also a part of your gene pool. Which, in turn, makes –”
“Eurgh, don’t say it; that’s disgusting.” I covered his smirking mouth with my hand. He didn’t do anything, just looked down at me with those damn sparkling green eyes and his warm body hovering so closely over mine, and –
I pulled his head down and kissed him for all I was worth, falling backwards onto Rose’s bed.
Hot damn, I’ll never get used to this feeling.
Just as we were really getting into it and I was internally debating just Disapparating out of there, Rose decided she was done crying and stepped back into the room…and squealed like some sort of mutated pig on steroids.
“GAH!” I yelped, pulling my hands out of Al’s hair and slapping them over my ears. Al rolled over next to me, his fingers also stuffed into his ears and his eyes screwed up in actual pain.
Dear Rose, Do you mind? I actually kind of like my husband the way he is, intact ears and all. I understand that you’re really, really thrilled about all of this, but shut up. Love, Adele.
“As cute as this is,” Rose finally trilled after she was done with her infernal noise-making, “Don’t do that on my bed otherwise I’ll hex your arses to next week.” Her tone flattened from ‘three-year-old on happy gas’ to ‘Auror ready to execute someone.’
Scorpius has such weird taste in women.
…and I have such weird taste in friends.
There was a short moment of silence, then Al rolled over, kissed me hard on my lips, then jumped up with a yelp and sprinted out of the room cackling like a little boy on sugar. Rose sighed despite herself, and I stared up at the ceiling wishing that I could just melt through the floor and avoid this wonky family forever.
(But I’d miss it too much.)
Come to think of it, both Malfoy children have really weird taste in Significant Others.
“You know,” I told her, sitting up on her bed and watching in bemusement as she sat down next to me with a dreamy expression on her face, “Scorpius can also be real romantic and stuff.”
Note to self: work on lying abilities when it comes to making your brother sound good.
Rose shot me a dubious look.
“No, I’m serious!” I exclaimed, starting to wave my hands around like some sort of mental patient, “he’s really sweet! He…likes snogging… and…chocolate. And roses. Well, actually, just Rose, and that’s you because if he liked roses then I’d be really concerned about his masculinity, frankly. That’s just not manly. And Scorpius is definitely manly. Sometimes. Er…don’t let him near hairspray.”
Rose was starting to look seriously alarmed.
Scorpius is going to kill me.
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any of that. Al just makes my thinking go wonky.”
She looked like she was preparing to squeal again. I quickly plowed on, “And, well…just…Scorpius likes you a lot. Just give him a chance. Please – he could make you feel everything I feel for your jumped-up cousin.”
Her expression softened. “Adele…”
I nodded expectantly.
“I’m not saying yes to Scorpius.”
My gaze flattened.
Well, we’ll just see about that.
“No – you idiot, that doesn’t go there! That’s the wrong – ALBUS, stop it! Stop – no! NO, THAT’S GOING TO GIVE YOU AN INJURY!”
Al quickly pulled his hand out of the little box, and James took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself. I watched on in bemusement, thoroughly entertained by James and his old maid ways.
“You’re acting just like your grandmother,” I giggled.
He froze, his expression horrified.
“Holy bleeding shit, someone kill me!” he yelped. “Put your hand back in the box, Al! I never yelled at you to stop! Bloody hell…”
Al shook his head. “And to think I once looked up to you and your manly ways.”
James had turned an unhealthy pale shade. “I’m gonna go fart on Lily and walk around in my boxers and scratch my stomach while I eat something,” he said faintly. He nodded frantically. “I gotta go save myself!” With that, he jumped up and ran out of the room.
Which left me and Al.
He looked at me.
I looked at him.
“We are not snogging right now.”
I punched him on the arm and indicated towards the box. “Come on, figure that thing out and we can force Rose into saying yes to my brother.”
Yes, we are meddlesome fools and quite proud of it, thank you.
After leaving Rose’s house (actually, she sort of chased us off after she caught us snogging on the kitchen table…whoops), we came back and forced James into concocting our Evil Master Plan of Genius, Case: Rose and Scorpius.
Unfortunately, even the prankster himself couldn’t come up with anything more decent than my idea of “let’s lock them in a padded cell.”
So we decided to go for it.
Rationality has never really been our strong point.
Though, of course, being magical had its perks; James and Al were somehow creating a little padded box that they were going to somehow trap Rose and Scorpius in. It’ll be like genies, James had exclaimed excitedly, holding up the nondescript little metal box. I wasn’t so sure.
But, I mean, as long as they’re still alive after all of this, I’ll be alright with it.
“Just one more thing,” Al said, looking at the box. “Shrinking Charm.”
He tapped it, and it glowed orange for a couple of seconds, then went back to being the little metal box. We looked at it for a couple of seconds.
I reached out and poked the box. Nothing happened.
“Operation Genie is in effect. Agent Hooker, is the target in shot?”
“Excuse me?! Agent Hooker?”
“I caught you straddling my little brother on my bed.”
“…right. Sorry about that.”
“Shut it, Agent Manwhore.”
“Or what, you’ll fart on me while I’m snogging my wife? Oh wait…”
James snickered. “You deserved it.”
I shuddered. “No one deserves that, Agent Fart.”
“Don’t make me fart in your face.”
I scuttled away from him and into Al. Al turned around and gave me a saucy wink, so I pinched him. “Ow,” he whined, grabbing his arm, “that’s my snitch-catching arm, woman!”
“Okay, shh!” James hissed, flailing his arm out towards us. It hit my chest, and James’s head cocked to the side thoughtfully as he continued gazing at Rose, his hand now groping around my torso. My mouth dropped open in indignation, but I couldn’t move any further away from him.
“Al, since when did you have balls of fat on your chest?”
“He doesn’t, but I do.” I reminded James frostily.
He pulled his hand back like it was on fire. Al was now glaring at him.
“Grope her again and I’ll bite off your hand.”
Rose stopped in the middle of the street, her back tensed. She must have heard all of our commotion. Damn it.
“Now!” I commanded, and James shot the net gun right onto Rose, who was now fully aware that something was wrong. Before she could sprint away, the net closed around her, magically trapping her in.
“What do you want from me?! Let me go!” Rose cried, pawing at the fabric.
“Struggling is useless,” James rasped in a thick Russian accent, pulling us towards her as she writhed in the middle of the deserted park she was walking past. “Come quietly and we will not kill your precious…loved one.”
“Let them go!” Rose said loudly, trying to twist around so she could see Russian-James. “Who are you? What kind of sick human being traps a girl in a net? Fight me like a man, you coward!”
“Don’t tell me what to do, you fat piece of cowardly shit!”
James had turned a bright shade of purple. “My own cousin is insulting my Gryffindor spirit!” he whispered to me indignantly. I rolled my eyes at him.
“She doesn’t know it’s you,” I told him reassuringly. “Now stuff her in the box.”
“Box? What box? I know that voice! Hey – hey, what are you – aaaamppgh!” Rose’s voice faded into outraged squeaks. She sounded a bit like a very irked mouse. I closed the lid before she could further incense James, who seemed to be a bit…er, insecure about his Gryffindor Spirit and general manliness. I don’t think it helped that he groped his sister-in-law and then got threatened by his little brother.
He’ll get over it. One day.
“Great job!” Al said, high fiving the two of us. Then his face fell. “Now we just have to wrestle Scorpius in there.”
“…shit,” James intoned.
I looked between the two of them in confusion. “Why do you look like it’s the most difficult task anyone could ever imagine?”
Al looked at me like it was obvious. “Your brother weighs more than puny little Rose, love. He’s strong.”
I laughed and rolled my eyes. “Trust me, with Scorpius, it’ll be easy. Come on.” I grabbed their arms and apparated into my house. James gasped and staggered around as we landed in my room, and I gave him an apologetic look. “Sorry, James. It’s the wards. You’ll be able to breathe normally in a little while.” I got a very rude hand gesture in return.
“Hey, I’m fine!” Al chirped happily, examining himself then looking in glee at James, who was now on the ground with his hand thrown up, gasping for air as he clutched his chest with the other one.
“That’s because you’re married to me,” I told him. I nudged James with my foot. “You can stop being melodramatic now, you little ponce. The wards should have worn off.”
James froze, his eyes darting around in surprise as he came to realize he could breathe. One day, James will find a girl to date him. And when that day comes, I am admitting said girl into St. Mungo’s because only a mentally inept person could find this weirdo and all of his comical behavior attractive.
Though James is funny, it’s more of like…an I-worry-about-you kind of funny.
“Great!” James said, jumping up and clapping his hands together. He looked around my room. “What now?”
I rolled my eyes. “Follow me.”
We traipsed over to Scorpius’ room, with James stopping every now and then to examine something interesting he found on the way. I should have never brought him in here; he’s got the attention span of a three-year-old in a room full of toys.
I pushed open Scorpius’ door without bothering to knock. Luckily for us, he was in the middle of watching a Quidditch Game and eating food instead of dancing around his room in flower-patterned boxers, singing along to Lady Gaga in a high-pitched voice into my pink hairbrush from when I was four.
Yes, this has happened to me.
I’d rather not talk about the mental scarring I received.
We’re working on the therapy, though.
“Oh hey,” Scorpius said nonchalantly, stuffing more popcorn into his mouth. He didn’t even register surprise at seeing his sister, best friend, and best friend’s older brother in the middle of his room, seemingly out of nowhere. “What’s up?”
I held out the box.
“Shiny!” Scorpius said excitedly, dropping the food and running over to me so he could take it. “Can I keep it?”
“Rose is in there,” Al informed him.
Scorpius looked at us for a couple of seconds.
“So can I keep it?”
I sighed. “Just get in the box, Scorpius.”
He shrugged, pulled off his shirt, and jumped in.
The three of us looked at each other for a brief while. I feel like I’ve landed myself in some wonky parallel universe where things just go according to plan and I get along with Albus and James Potter.
“Mission Accomplished,” James finally said proudly.
I grinned. Rose is going to kill me.
sigh. i wanted this chapter to be epic :(
unfortunately, i was unable to salvage it and MAKE it epic, so you're stuck with this.
hopefully you like it anyway? :) please review!!
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