Chapter 34 : Letters
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Christmas, and I’m alone. Not that my mum, or Molly for that matter, would have had it that way, but I just don’t feel like being around people. I take out the letter I had gotten from Molly two days ago, skimming over the parts I wanted to read, even though I memorized the entire letter.
Remus is back…Showed up on my doorstep early this morning…I think something’s wrong, but he won’t say and I can’t imagine what it is…Please come to Christmas dinner. He’s going to be there too…You don’t need to be alone, especially on Christmas…
I wanted to go, to see him. But if he still didn’t want to be with me, even though he was back, I don’t know if I could take it. So I was spending Christmas alone.
I turn my attention back to the tele. Jingle Bell Rock comes on. I sigh, missing Remus. Last Christmas was so different, so fun. I look at the box on the coffee table. The box that held all the letters I had written to Remus, but would never owl. I had written so much while he was gone, telling him about my days, or something I saw at a store he would have liked. I told him everything. It made me feel better, like he was still reachable, like he hadn’t left me forever. I mute the tele, pick up some paper and a pen (more wonderful muggle inventions, much better that parchment and quills) and write to him. Again.
Your home. I’m so happy you’re safe. I’ve missed you so much. Now that you’re finally back, are we going to be together again? I want to be. We need to talk. About a lot. Especially that night you left, the night I threw you out. When you left…I wish things could have gone differently. I should have let you talk, explain why you were breaking my heart. I still love you.
I put down the paper. Why was I doing this? He was home now. I put my face in my hands. Am I going to send the letter? No. It was going in the box, with all the others. All the ones he would never read. Sighing again, (I do that a lot these days) I turn the volume back up on the tele, and put my head on the back of the couch. Closing my eyes, I listen to the song.
-When you go
Would you have the guts to say
I don’t love you like I loved you yesterday-
I turn the tele off. Sniffing, I pick my paper back up.
But do you love me? You’ve been back for, well, today makes day three days. But still, you haven’t told me you are safe. You’re alive. You’re here. I know because Molly told me, not you. Do you just not care anymore? I thought…Did you ever care? Remus, please. I love you so, so much. I just need to know.
Oh, God. I wipe my eyes. I bring my knees up to my chest, putting my chin on them. My life was so screwed up. I couldn’t morph, my job was just paperwork because I couldn’t do anything without messing up anymore. Miraculously, my spell work was still fine, but who knew how much longer that would last. The worst part about all of this is not knowing if Remus loved me. I could deal with the rest of it, if only I had him. I fold the letter and address it to Remus, like I always do. I start to pick the box up, when someone knocks on the door. I sit the letter on the table. Slowly, I stand and go over to the door, jerking it open.
“Mum, Dad, what are you guy doing here?” I try my best to sound cheery, but Mum frowns.
“Have you been crying? Dora, what’s wrong?” How did she know?
“I’m fine, Mum, really.”
“Dora,” she says, hugging me, “you shouldn’t be alone on Christmas.” I relax when I realize she’s decided to drop it, for now. “I’ve made dinner, all I need to do is summon it.”
“’Dromeda, come look. A tele!” I smile. Dad loves the tele. He watches the shows where all the people are drawn (Cartoons, they’re called), and sometimes they aren’t human. One of his favourites is a sponge! We watch the tele for a little while. After the sixth show about the sponge, I turn to Mum.
“I’d love it if you would summon dinner now, Mum.” I hadn’t wanted company, but now that I had it, I didn’t want to let it go. She smiles. Dinner is great. We chat about nothing, just laugh and be a family. And I don’t even think about Remus. Okay, maybe I do, a little. Or a lot. I try not to let it show, anyway. Then they force presents on me, (okay, I just openly asked for them) and I give them theirs. Then we watch the tele again, this time about a talking dog who helps people solve mysteries.
“That dog is a lot like Sirius,” Mum says.
“Yeah. But Sirius wasn’t afraid of anything.” Mum takes my hand. The first Christmas without Sirius. I look back at the tele. Around eight a brown and white owl pecks on the window.
“Who would send post this late?” Dad asks.
“I dunno,” I say, removing the letter from the owl’s leg. It flies off at once. I open the letter. Remus’ writing. I feel my eyes water. “Nothing important,” I say, trying to sound casual. “I’ll read it later.”
“Who’s it from?” Mum asks in that I-know-you’re-lying voice.
“Remus.” I shrug. Mum looks at me. Suddenly, Dad stands up.
“Loo,” he says, walking past me. I go sit by Mum.
“Read it,” she says, comfortingly. “Maybe he’s back.” I give her a weak smile. I forgot she didn’t know. Slowly, I open it. I stare at it for a second, then start to read.
How could you think that? How could you think that I don’t care? That I never cared? That I don’t love you? I agree, we need to talk. The night I left seems to be the least of it. I still love you too, Dora. I didn’t write because I thought you would be spending the Holidays with your family. I was going to write after they were over. When do you want to meet? And where? It’ll be good to see you again. After nearly six months, I’ll see the real you. Don’t forget, I love you. I always will, no matter what happens.
I love you, I really do, Dora.
I covered my mouth with my hand. How did he know what I had asked in that letter? I looked at the table. The letter was gone! He loved me. He still loved me. He wanted to meet me.
“Dora,” Mums voice breaks through my thoughts, “is everything okay?” I nod, handing her the letter. She reads it. I can’t read the expression on her face. Being raised a Black had taught her to control her expression. Sirius was the same. I, on the other hand, was an open book.
“You’re not going to go back to him, are you?” What?
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Dora, he’s not good for you.”
I swallow and take a deep breath, trying to keep my temper in check. “That’s what he said to.” Before I can get my next words out, mum is talking again.
“Even he knows you don’t need a werewolf.” The way she said werewolf, like it was something dirty, nasty, sent me over the top.
“SHUT UP. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM.” I had tears rolling down my face, but I didn’t care.
“I know enough Dora. He’s not the person I want for my daughter.” How could she stay so calm?
“I DON’T CARE. I LOVE HIM.”
Dad runs into the room.
“Hey. HEY.” Mum and I both turn to glare at him. “What’s going on?”
“She’s going to take the bloody” she wrinkles her nose in disgust, “werewolf back.”
“Don’t talk about him like that.” How could she? My mother. My own mother.
“Hey, the two of you need to calm down. ‘Dromeda, go to the kitchen. ‘Dora, stay here.” Mum stalks off, her shoulders squared proudly.
I sigh. “The letter came, and I read it. It was from Remus.” I pick the letter up off the ground, where it had fallen in the short argument. “I don’t know how he got my letter, because I never sent it. Wasn’t going to.” I’m staring at the letter he had sent. “But—Well, you read it.” I hand it to Dad, and he scans it.
When he looks up at me, I say, “I let Mum read it, and she’s all ‘You’re not going to take him back, are you?’ and I asked why not and she said he was bad for me and she insulted him.” I was crying. I wiped angrily at my eyes.
“I sent the letter. The one to Remus.”
“You and ‘Dromeda were cleaning the kitchen up, and I saw it. So I sent it. Thought I was being helpful.”He gives me an apologetic look.
“It’s okay, I’m glad you did. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have written for a week.” I smile, and he hugs me.
“Better now?” I nod. “I’m going to go talk to your mother. You just have to remember, she was raised as a Black. She was raised with prejudices, and sometimes they are hard to get over. She’ll come round.” He takes my face in his hands. “It’s what he’s done to you she hates. I can’t say I like it either. It’s worse than when Jacob died.” He stops short, and bites his bottom lip.
“It’s okay Dad. I’ve been over Jacob for a while.”
“I love you, ‘Dora.”
“Love you too, Dad,” I say as he walks back into the kitchen.
I get a pen and some paper.
How about the Moon Daughters at five for dinner tomorrow (or today, depending on when you get this). I can’t wait to see you again.
I go to find Sunflower. She’s Leah’s owl, but I’m suppose to watch her while Leah vacations in South America.
“Dora, I think we’re going to go now,” Dad calls as I close the window.
“Hang on.” I run up the hallway, not tripping on anything. I hug them both, giving Mum a squeeze to let her know I know she means well. She squeezes me back. Yawning, I go to my room and get into bed, to sleepy to even take off my clothes…
A pecking on my window wakes me up. It’s still really dark out.
A small strip of parchment is tied to Sunflowers leg.
Moon Daughters sounds great.
A/N: The song is I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance. I don’t think that song was out then but it was what I needed. The show about a sponge is, of course, Spongebob Squarepants. It’s my dad’s favourite cartoon, so I added it. And Scooby-Doo was the show about the talking dog (: I started to put Garfield, but thought Scooby would do better…(Can anyone tell I really like cartoons?) Thanks for reading, and please review(:
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