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Pretty Boy by dream_BIG
Chapter 2 : Survival of the Fittest
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 56

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I hate school.

I tumbled out of bed just in time to see Andrew Jones sprinting towards the bathroom with his pants already off, screaming about how badly he had to pee.

Fantastic. First thing in the morning of the first day back at school, and I get my roomie’s manly bits waved in my face.

This day is going to be wonderful. I can just tell.

“Albus, up.” I threw a book at the snoring lump we like to call Al, and he grunted loudly in response. So I threw my shoe at him.

He fell on the floor.

“I hate you, whore.”

My cousin is not a cheerful morning person. Actually, none of us really are. We’re a bit like monsters in the morning – ugly, angry, and ready to eat just about anything.

“Good morning to you too.” I tugged on some pants and accio’d my shoe. “Put some clothes on,” I added to Al, after he didn’t get up off the floor. I think he actually fell asleep sitting cross-legged like that.

Bloody hell, I have to do everything for this kid.

“Al!” I threw my shoe at him again, and it bounced off of his head.

“WHAT?!” Al screamed at me. “I SAID I’M AWAKE! DON’T RUSH ME!”

We think he’s secretly female.

Fifteen minutes later, we got all of our stuff sorted out and were sprinting down to breakfast before all the good food got taken.

Hogwarts is like an arms race. Survival of the fittest. The fittest get the best crap, and the other plonkers get the shitty crap.

So, basically, the first-years are fucked and the second-years are slightly less fucked. Sixth and seventh years get everything.

It’s a wonderful system. And I agree with it very much.

…because I’m a sixth-year. But regardless.

I plopped down next to my cousin’s obnoxious red hair. “Hey, Rose.”

“Morning, Louis,” she said to me, kissing me on the cheek and going back to her pancakes. Al sat down across from us with a thoroughly enraptured expression on his face. He grabbed a muffin and stuffed it whole in his mouth.

…cool! I want to try that!

“No,” Rose said firmly, grabbing my hand and forcing me to put the muffin down before I stuffed it in my mouth. I pouted as Al laughed and sprayed us all with muffin crumbs. Rose sighed and brushed herself off.

She thinks we’re like cavemen.

I mean, we just really like food. STOP JUDGING US.

I frowned at Rose for ruining my fun, but scooped up the muffin and took a normal-sized bite out of it regardless, chewing frantically as I reached for my daily waffles (12) and syrup (the whole pitcher).

Breakfast is the shit.

“Louis,” Rose hissed as I was on my eighth waffle.


“Louis, stop eating for a second and look up.”

“Mmm.” That was the negative.

“Louis,” She got uncomfortably close to my ear. “Stop eating, everyone is looking at you.”

I stopped eating.

My head snapped up and I glanced around the Great Hall. Everywhere my eyes ran, heads quickly turned the other way. A couple girls smiled at me.

Oooh, that one’s hot. I grinned back, and she giggled.

Ew, I hate when they giggle.

I turned back to Rose.

“Is there something on my face?”

She smirked. “More like, it is your face.”


“You’re hot, mate. Are you gonna eat that?”

I turned around to gape at Albus.

“Yes, I’m going to eat these!” I stuffed another waffle in my mouth to prove my point.

Wait a second…my male cousin just called me hot.

I choked on my waffle.

Bloody hell, I want to go home.

I coughed violently, turning a shade of red that I was sure resembled the mass of dead cells sprouting out of Rose’s head. The random kid next to me (…oh wait. It’s Hugo. Hey man!) turned around and thumped me enthusiastically on the back.

I choked even harder.

Hugo, you dumbarse – stop! Stop it!

Clutching my neck in a desperate sort of way, I turned towards Hugo to somehow convey to him to stop it right now, damnit (sign language might work), but somehow, his technique worked and I coughed up the waffle. It landed with a plop on his lap.

We stared at it for a couple of seconds. Looked nasty.


“Thanks dude,” Hugo said drily.

“Anytime.” I saluted him and went back to my waffles.

Hey, it was his fault for trying to kill me. He deserves that half-digested waffle on his crotch.

“Come on Louis, we’ve got class,” Rose said, grabbing the back of my robes and pulling me clean off of the bench. I snagged one last muffin and my bag before she could haul me out of the Great Hall, as was our tradition.

Right in the middle of the dragging, while I was just getting comfortable and ready to take a bite of my muffin, some random midget barreled into me and knocked my bag to the ground.

“What the bleeding – !” I flailed out of Rose’s grasp and turned around to face the mousy-looking little boy.

“I’m sorry!”

“Stupid midget,” I muttered, glaring at the first-year. He gulped and glanced around edgily.

“Honestly,” Rose said, pulling my shoulder so I stood behind her. “It’s not like you’ve never bumped into someone, Delacour. Keep your balls on.”

…see, this is why I keep Rose around. She’s bloody hilarious.

I shot her a nasty glare, but she didn’t seem interested. Bollocks.

“Just pick it up,” I said to the midget. He scrambled to the bag and handed it to me.

“I’m really sorry,” he squeaked again.

“Don’t worry about it,” Rose told him nicely. Damn her. “Come on Delacour, move your arse.”

“Wait! Er – Delacour – sir! Manly person! You dropped your –” the midget handed me something that looked scarily like a tube of the crap Dom smears on her mouth.

“It’s not mine!” I said, tossing it back to the midget with a disgusted expression on my face.

“It fell out of your bag, sir,” the midget replied, throwing it back to me. Then he hightailed it out of there, leaving me standing in the middle of the Great Hall looking like a complete prat holding some witches’ cosmetic device.

Damn these midgets.

“Looks like Dom’s,” Rose said, glancing at it once.

“She would put it in my bag.”

“We can give it back to her on the way to class, now will you move?” When I didn’t answer, Rose grabbed my arm and continued dragging me out of the Great Hall.

Al is so bloody lucky he’s not taking Ancient Runes with this psycho.

We stepped out of the Great Hall, right into the mass of bustling students getting ready to go to their first class. I looked over people’s heads (holy Merlin, since when have I been able to do that?) and located the mass of shiny blonde hair that undoubtedly belonged to my sister.

“Over there,” I said to Rose, grabbing her hand and pulling her over to Dom, who was – surprise, surprise – checking her facial coverings and tittering with her equally mindless friends about some juicy piece of gossip.

Bloody hell, it’s the first day of school. What is wrong with this place?

“Yo Dom,” I said to her. She turned around, flinging her hair all over the place like one of those shampoo models.

Dear Merlin, what did I ever do to deserve this association? I refuse to believe I share a gene pool with that!

“Oh,” her face fell when she saw me there, though her friends started giggling away. “Louis. What?”

“You put your face crap in my bag,” I said, handing her the tube whilst trying not to throttle her dumb, but attractive mass of friends.

Dom squealed and grabbed the tube out of my hands, hugging it to her chest in a delighted sort of way. “Oh my god, Fuscia Fiesta! I was looking all over for this, thank Merlin!”

“Or you could thank me.”

I was ignored.

She still owes me.

“Hey Louis,” one of her friends said to me. I glanced her over – leggy brunette with big blue eyes. Nice rack and decently attractive face, though I’m sure I’ve seen better. All in all, probably about a 7/10 in the looks department. “You look different this year,” she said to me, twirling a strand of her hair between her fingers.


I glanced at Rose, who rolled her eyes.

Guess I’m going solo on this.

“Oh, uh…thank you…er, Sarah,” I said, giving her a quick smile. “We’ve got to get to class. See ya later. Dommo.” I gave my sister one last acknowledging nod, and she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, see ya Lulu.”

I suppose I deserved that.

I turned around and walked away, slinging my arm around Rose’s shoulder just in case some bloke thought it’d be okay to chat her up around me.

“Oh my god, he totally checked me out!” I heard Dom’s friend squeal from behind me.

“Your name isn’t even Sarah, you dumbarse,” Dom snapped back at her.

Rose starting laughing so hard she had to stuff her face into the side of my shirt.

…I don’t understand women.


By the time lunch rolled around, it was become alarmingly obvious that the female population of Hogwarts had gone completely around the bend over the recent holiday.

Either that, or there were a lot more girls at this school than what I’d originally thought.

They. Were. Bloody. Everywhere.

I walked Rose to class. Girls staring me down in the corridor. I sat in the back of the classroom to take notes. Girls staring me down in the classroom taking my goddamn notes. I walked to the loo. Girls staring me down until I rounded the corner section that set the actual loo part apart from the entrance part (I see why, now). I laughed at something Al said. Girls staring me down laughing at Al. I picked up Lily and slung her over my shoulder until she was red in the face from begging and laughing. Girls staring me down with my baby cousin. I ate my food like a starved animal. Girls staring me down as I showed the world just how well salivary amylase worked.

I was freaking out. Going completely mental, I tell you. It wasn’t nice – it was just really bloody creepy! No wonder James spends so much of his life hiding behind the various female members of our family.

Any female who isn’t in our family is absolutely bonkers.

And that is just upsetting, really, because my family is insane.

Especially the women.

“Oh, honestly!” Rose said loudly as I dived behind her when a Gaggle of Giggling Girls approached us in the hallway.

“Hey, Louis.”

“Hey, Louis.”

“Hey, Louis.”

I gave them all a weak smile. “Hi.” More giggling. This is officially becoming the soundtrack of my life. Just take me to Mungo’s now.

Damnit, why is Rose so tiny?

“Shouldn’t you be thrilled about this newfound attention?” Al asked me, taking a bite of our apple and passing it to Rose.

“Are you mental? This is absolutely horrific!” I said, accepting the apple from Rose and crunching into it.

Germs? What are those?

I tossed the apple to Al, who gave me a weird look and took another bite. “Mate, you can get any female in this entire school with one of your charming Veela grins. This is priceless.”

There was a second while I processed that.

Holy hell…the bloke’s right! I’ve become a bird magnet! I, Louis Weasley, am officially a bird magnet. This isn’t bad – this is absolutely brilliant!

“Shit man, you’re right!” I said excitedly.

“You two are idiots.”

We ignored Rose.

“I’m always right,” Al scoffed. He nodded towards another GGG walking towards us. “Let me demonstrate how to use your newfound skills. Watch and learn, novice.”

“You’re an idiot.”

Rose was ignored yet again.

He tossed me the apple and did some weird flippy thing to get his crazy mop of hair out of his eyes. The GGG took one look at him and melted into a puddle of giggles. He shot them a grin. “Good afternoon, ladies.”

His voice never sounds like that.

“Hi Al,” they breathed in unison.

I take it back, I’m still creeped out.

Rose grabbed his arm and starting speedwalking like nobody’s business. “Bleeding wanker,” she hissed at him.

“I’ll see you around!” Al called after them, walking backwards so he could still see their faces. They turned around to look at them over their shoulders and he winked.

Not bad.

“Bet I could do better,” I said, spotting a large GGG.

Al scoffed and Rose let out an exasperated noise.

“Ten galleons,” I challenged.

Al rolled his eyes. “Done. There’s no way you can charm all of them.”

I handed him the apple and shook the hair out of my eyes.

“You’re an idiot!” Rose called after me.

She should probably understand by this point that we ignore her when she says something like that.

As I approached the GGG, they started whispering amongst themselves. I almost turned around walked away again, but ten galleons were on the line.

I don’t have ten galleons.

Bonjour,” I said to them in flawless French. They gaped at me like I had just fallen from heaven.

Like taking candy from baby Hugo. Simple.

“Bon-jor,” someone finally had the gall to stammer out.

Somewhere in London, my maman just lost five years of her life.

Est-que vous pouvez me directer –”

“Hablos ingles?” One girl piped up.

…why is she speaking in Spanish to a bloke who just asked her something in French.

“You dumbshit, he’s French, not Spanish,” a girl muttered to her.

“I’m sor-ee,” I said in a thick French accent. “I for-get zat I am no longer in Beauxbatons. I mean, of course I am not. You are much lovelier zan ze girls at zat school.”


They all sighed.

Damn, I’m good.

“I was just a beet lost in your beauty.”

More sighing.

Rose gagged loudly from behind me.

This is actually really funny.

“I veel see you around, yes?” They all nodded enthusiastically at me. I grabbed the hottest girl’s hand, and her eyes widened. “Au revoir, ma belle.” I kissed the back of it, and I’m pretty sure she swooned.

Al was quite literally dying as I strutted back towards them, and Rose had a thoroughly unimpressed frown on her face. He handed me ten galleons, “That was so worth it, mate. Where did you learn how to do that?”

“I have two sisters,” I reminded him. “I’m pretty great with girls.”

“Oh yeah? So how’s your friend Sarah?” Rose asked me.

“Not important,” I shrugged.

“You disgust me.”

“You love me, Granger!” I called after her as she stormed down the hallway.


“That’s it!” Rose slammed her textbook against the table loudly, interrupting the eye-sex I was having with a Ravenclaw Seventh-Year from across the room.

Oi, I was enjoying that!

“What?” I asked her.

“You’ve turned into an arse,” Rose snarled at me. “One day of girls following you around, and suddenly you think you’re Merlin’s gift to females – it’s absolutely sickening, Louis William.”

“Well I rather think it’s great fun, Rose Luna,” Al said in a posh voice from across the table. We exchanged a quick high-five

“Shut your trap, Albus Severus.”

Oooh. Low blow, Rosie. You don’t pull out The Full Name unless you mean business. Or you want to get pummeled by Al.

Al’s pretty boss at pummeling.

“Oh come on, Rose, let me have my fun now that I’m no longer just pretty-looking –” I started.

“Not every girl wants you, you know.” Rose cut across.

There was a second of silence between the three of us.

“No Rosie, every girl pretty much wants him,” Al said.

Damn straight.

“The ones with substance don’t,” She said smugly.

“Yeah, well, the ones with substance generally end up with fifty cats,” Al remarked.

Rose threw a handful of potatoes at him.

“That was uncalled for, Granger.”

“I thought I told you to shut your trap, Potter!”

Al and Rose had a glare-down, and I sighed loudly.

“Are we done here? Because that Seventh-Year Ravenclaw is licking mashed potatoes off her spoon and I –”

“I dare you,” Rose cut across, breathing heavily like she’d just run fifty laps around our Quidditch Pitch, “to make a girl with substance fall in love with you.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” she said in a steely voice. “I pick a girl, you get her to fall for you. Then you can go back to having eye-sex with anyone you please, without me nagging you about it.”

…Rose not nagging me would be pretty nice.

“Alright – but only if we turn this into a competition,” I said.

“Oh-ho!” Al sat up straight in his seat, his eyes bright with excitement as soon as I uttered the word ‘competition.’

Rose’s jaw locked. “First Weasley to get the other person to admit that they’re in love with them gets fifty galleons.”

I exchanged a smirk with Al and turned back to Rose.

“Choose the lady, cousin dearest.”

She gave me one of her fake-sweet smiles that I am forever afraid of. “Choose the man first, Lulu.”

I gotta give her props for being able to handle just about every male in the family whilst coming across as complete badarse in the process. Rose Weasley’s got style.

I scanned the Great Hall, looking for potential victims – and my eyes landed on the Slytherin table. Namely, on one Slytherin at the Slytherin table, who was currently stuffing his face like his life depended on it.

A slow smirk unfurled over my face. Snarky, sarcastic, vile, cold, generally gitty – bingo.

“Scorpius Malfoy.”

Al let out a low whistle. “You can always back out, Rosie.”

Her nostrils flared as she looked Malfoy over with a look of contempt on her face. “A hundred galleons, Delacour, and your everlasting respect.”

Bloody hell, if Rose wasn’t my cousin, I would make her my girlfriend.

I laughed in an awed kind of way. “Done.”

“Good.” Now it was her turn to smirk as she turned her head and looked down the Gryffindor table. I exchanged another look with Al – she was going to try to set me up with one of the girls that already loved me simply for being a Gryffindor?

She’s losing her touch, man.

Rose pinched my arm and ignored my startled yelp as I turned towards her. “Ow – what?”

“Her,” Rose said, pointing towards the end of the table, where a girl sat alone, reading a book. I really couldn’t see much except for a mass of reddish-brown colored, messy, curly hair that tumbled all over the place. But she looked small – bleeding fuck, if Rose set me up with a young’in I’m going to kill her.

“Who is she?” I asked, still trying to get past that hair. It was wild. I’m not a big fan.

“Aisha DiMarco. She’s in our year.”

“Since when?”

“Since always, bitchtits. Are you gonna do it or not?” Rose snapped.

Aisha DiMarco looked up from her book as a bloke dropped into his seat across from her, and offered him a full-on grin.

I tilted my head to the side a bit. Big blue colored eyes, one of those button-ish noses that sort of turn up at the end, and a pair of decent-looking lips.

…not bad.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, hobag.”

I spit into my palm and held it out to Rose, who extended two fingers and shook my pointer finger with a disgusted look on her face.

Al let out a huge whoop.

This is going to be interesting.


yes, already ^_^ i'm really moving things along with this story, because i started here, and if i don't move it along, it'll probably end up obscenely long. i gotta cover a HUGE timeframe here.

anywhoo, the response to chapter one was :O thank you soo much for that!


(as you have already clearly seen, i am not good with subtlety).

i would also like to take this time out to let you know what I'M BLEEDING BLUE INDIA WON THE WORLD CUP WHADUPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

ahem. just a tad excited there. i'm done now.

oh! and a coupla things that you guys pointed out: 

one - yes, louis does curse a lot. that is one thing i learned from my male buddies. they enjoy foul language. if you are offended by it, sorry, but you'll just have to deal (:

two - no one has gotten divorced, you guys. they don't like being rude to each other with their shared last name because that's just like yelling at yourself, so they use their mommies' last names. hence why louis calls rose "granger"...yah know?

and...uh...yerp, that's about all. PEACE <33

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