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Laugh it Off by ValFish
Chapter 13 : Ice Cream is a Girl's Best Friend
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 3

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Possibly the most beautiful chapter image created credited to the resistance @ TDA

Chapter 13: Ice Cream is a Girl's Best Friend

 I’ve decided that today I’m going to start keeping a diary.

I think it would help sort out the mess that is my life. Or it would look like a mess of scribbles and crude drawings of Marlene McKinnon.

Dear Diary,

After I went back to school for good, you’ll never guess what happened! Remus told me he just wanted to stay friends, if that was alright, and Sirius broke up with Mary. Oh Diary, I should be overjoyed, but he got back with bitchface-McKinnon and now I’m forced to accept that my fake romance was for nothing. My what a glorious day it is.



You know what ‘stay friends’ means?

Everything is going to be tense now. And you know what else?

Remus is my partner is every single bloody class we have together.

Fuck that, I’m going to do what I know best.

I’m going to get another pint of damn ice cream, sit in the damn corner, and pout for another damn hour.

At least Alice was back. And surprisingly, she wasn’t very gloomy, either.



I was about to eat another spoonful of heaven on earth (or hell, depending on whether or not you prefer your jeans to close) when Alice took the ice cream from me.

“You can’t do this,” Alice said. “Ice cream isn’t going to solve your problems.”

I took the carton back and sank my spoon into its contents.

“Yes I can. And I don’t give a damn. I’m unhappy and hungry. This is a very ugly combination and I’d appreciate if you’d leave me to wallowing in self pity, thanks,” I retorted, fiddling with a lose string on my unbuttoned jumper.

Alice laughed and took my ice cream. Again.

“No, because there will be no wallowing today. Today, we are going to get up, put our big girl panties on and go down to the common room,” she said, putting the lid on the carton. “Now c’mon.”

“But Alice,” I whined, “What if Remus or Sirius or James or Marlene or Mary or Lily or even Peter are down there?”

“Considering that’s about half of Gryffindor, I’m going to say there is a slight chance that they might be down there.”

I frowned and grabbed my black Mary Jane’s off my bed.

I was being over dramatic.

I don’t care.

Better than facing my problems, yes?

I slunked behind Alice down to the common room, where sure enough James and Peter were sitting on a couch.

Luckily for me, no Remus was to be seen.

“Look, Pete! It’s sleeping beauty!” James practically screamed in my face. “Elsa, darling, how are you?”

I sent a glare his way and plopped in the chair opposite them.

“Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning,” Peter smirked.
James gave him a warning look and absentmindedly touched his nose.

I had nearly forgotten about that dear little incident.

“So, I take it Sirius is with Marlene and Remus is with Mary?” I asked casually.

James rolled his eyes. “Where do you think he is? The bloke is thick sometimes, but he’s no heartbreaker, he’s in the library. With Mary,” he added quietly.

I sighed. “Lovely.”

“You know, I still can’t believe that you and Remus actually broke up without ever really dating,” Alice said, breaking the awkward silence.

Well, at least it would be conversationally awkward now.

“Yeah, well, I guess I’m just that good. So James, first Quidditch match of the new year. Who are we playing?” I asked, trying to steer the topic away from my former fake love life.

James grinned. “Hufflepuff. Not like they’re really a threat, though. We could probably beat them in our sleep.”

“Probably,” I said, “I mean, my brother isn’t much of a seeker, so I’d say you can win very easily. Now would you prefer nasty comments on all sides or should I keep it fair across the board?”

“What kind of a question is that?” James exclaimed. “There isn’t a match in DeLestrade history where you have been fair across the board.”

“Not true,” I said indignantly. “I was fair the first game I ever commented on.”

“And things went all downhill from there. Finally decide to put the ice cream down, then?” Lily was standing in front of me, scribbling something on parchment. “I told you it wasn’t going to fix anything.”

“I’m well aware,” I grumbled. “When’s the next Hogsmeade weekend, I’m out of chocolate again.”

“I could help you out there.”


Remus is here.

I sighed. “I’m perfectly capable of keeping my own chocolate supply stocked, Lupin,” I said.

“Hey, I thought we were friends,” Remus said. “Or may I start calling you DeLestrade?”

I laughed. “No, we are friends, but it just feels weird to call you Remus,” I said.

James snorted. “Yeah, because calling people by their names is so odd.”

“Shut up,” I mumbled.

“You know, I don’t understand how you guys can be ‘still friends’ if you were never really dating in the first place,” Lily said.

“Ah, I forgot, mum’s the word on that, right?” Remus said.

I couldn’t help but laugh.

Damn you for being adorable and funny, Remus Lupin, damn you.

“I think by now everyone’s caught on,” said Peter. “I mean that final screaming match was something, let’s say, over the top.”

Remus and I had indeed staged a very large breakup scene in the Great hall the day we returned from winter break.

I must admit, we could have been a little more convincing.

But what’s done is done.

“Well, we can at least be thankful that Sirius still hasn’t caught on,” Remus said. “That could be potentially problematic.”

You know what else is potentially problematic?

I’m in love.

With Sirius I’m-not-going-to-date-my-bestfriend’s-ex Black.

That’s potentially problematic.


I woke up this morning with the most unpleasant feeling in the world.

The feeling that can only be described in one terribly crude word. Valentine. Today was bloody Valenetine’s day.


I’m not bitter about being dumped by my fake boyfriend and being inevitably rejected by Sirius, honest.

It’s definitely not the fact that pretty much everyone on the sodding planet has a valentine except for me, and certainly I’m not still going on about Remus.

Let’s face facts. If I saw cupid right now, I’d punch the bastard.

I hate this damn holiday.

Of course, it’s always been my Valentine’s tradition to act like the idiots with significant others were invisible, but this year, in my clearly delusional mind, I was looking forward to having a date.

Needless to say, I’m not going to enjoy the rest of this weekend. Not. One. Bit.

The first half wasn’t bad. We won our match against Hufflepuff and there was a lovely party (with no booze for anyone after the New Year’s disaster) where not only did I catch Marlene snogging some random fourth year, but saw Sirius looking at me.

Of course, things turned to absolute darkness this morning when I woke up and realized what day it was.

Which is why when Alice dragged me (quite literally) out of bed this lovely fucking morning, I wasn’t having it.

“You and I are going to Hogsmeade,” Alice stated. “Aren’t we?”

I know that’s not a question, so don’t tease me.

“No. I’m going to sleep here and miserable forever. I mean that. Fancy some sweets?”

Alice rolled her eyes. “What I’d fancy is you get dressed, you lazy bum. Now move it, if we’re lucky we can get to Honeydukes before the lovers all get there.”

I groaned and peeled myself off the mattress of my four-poster.

“Fine. But don’t expect me to wear pink,” I argued, rummaging in my trunk for my muggle clothes. “That’s it.”

I tossed the most depressing thing I could think of out on my bed.

“Jeans, a black sweater, and trainers. How festive,” Alice said, tossing the black sweater back in my trunk and pulling out a red one. “This’ll do. Now we match.”

“Fantastic,” I mumbled, pulling on the atrocity.

Let’s hear it for the holidays.


“No, go, don’t feel sorry for me here! I’ll be fine, honest!”

Alice looked at me guiltily. “You sure?”

I nodded, “Yeah. Enjoy yourself. I’ll live.”

That fucking twat.

Oh, sure Frank, I’d love to go to the tea shop with you! That’s so romantic and lovely. I don’t care that you made out with Marlene McKinnon or called my best friend a whale! I’m so charmed by you, you handsome devil you! Wouldn’t mind, would you Elsa?

Yes, actually I do.

Now not only was I freezing my arse off, I was also alone, sitting on a bench with a box of chocolate like the pathetic and dateless loser I am.

“Been ditched as well?”

Oh bloody hell.

“Yeah, maybe. Probably. Yes,” I said, scooting over to make room for Remus on the bench. “I thought you and Mary were going on a little adventure.”

Remus sighed and helped himself to a chocolate. “Me too. That’s until Brighton Riley, you know, year below, Hufflepuff, and fantastically enough one of her good friends got stood up. She sent me a letter. Honestly, we’re in the same common room, and the girl sent me a bloody letter.”

“Don’t get your knickers in a twist about it,” I said, rather unsympathetically. “At least you had a real date. I’ve been dumped for Frank Longbottom.”

Remus smiled one of his smiles that means he wants you to think that he knows everything and doesn’t need words.

Let me tell you something about Remus Lupin. That particular smile means he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. That’s the ‘I’m an idiot, really’ smile to me.

It’s probably the ‘super-awesome-sexy-lovely’ smile to Mary bloody McDonald.

I hope she has luck with Remus, really.

I am not bitter. Not at all.

“How does this keep happening?” I asked. “I mean, you and me always seem to be chasing around in circles what we can’t have.”

“I dunno, I feel like we’ve barely made a lap right now. Sirius is suddenly decided he’s going to be a decent friend and Mary, well, I’m not quite sure what exactly she’s got up in that head.”

“Not much,” I huffed. “Let’s face facts. We’re spending Valentine’s day with each other, exes but not really, and we’re moping about what we can’t have. Shouldn’t we be yelling at each other or refusing to speak, you know, just to make some more tension?”

“And a delightful sexual tension it is.”

I swear to God that James just pops out of nowhere sometimes.

“Where you been, Moony, I’ve been looking all over for you! And bloody hell Elsa, a whole box of chocolates. You lot are pathetic.”

“Oh, and how’s your date with Lilykins going, then?” I said bitterly. “Oh wait.”

That wiped the smile off James’ face and he took a chocolate from the box before sitting down on my other side.

“She said she had to study,” James said miserably. “I mean, I gave her flowers and didn’t whistle at her for a whole day. What more could a woman possibly want?”

“Gee, I dunno, James, maybe a brain?” I said, giving him a shove on the shoulder.

“She’s got a point there, mate,” Remus added.

“Well haven’t I joined the cheer brigade. Seriously, when you two were fake dating it was so much more pleasant. You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that you were happy then.”

“Happier,” I mumbled, feeling my ears go red.

Yeah, let’s just talk about it shall we.

As if the day hasn’t already fallen to shit, let’s just talk about our feelings.

“Well, this is awkward,” James concluded, standing up and abruptly walking away.

“See you two later!”

“Honestly, it’s a wonder he doesn’t have a date,” I said.

Remus chuckled and zipped up his coat. “Well, we don’t exactly have room to be talking, now do we?”

I frowned. “I guess not.”

It was awkwardly quiet then, just us two, friends and only friends sitting on a bench on Valentine’s day. Both alone and miserable.

I bloody hate it.


Okay, so I know what you're probably thinking here: 'why doesn't she ever update?' And I'm sorry to say that there isn't really too much of a reason other than a large case of writer's block.... so yeah, just in case you were wondering, that's my fantastic excuse. 

But anyway, thanks for reading!


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