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The Perks of Being Elizabeth Goodbody by still_fly
Chapter 5 : Suffocate
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 23

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Chapter Five

“Paul the Fifteenth lived a short, yet wonderful life—”

I sniffled as Rose spoke, grabbing some of the toilet paper off of the role and wiping at my eyes furiously. I had an entire garden of flower petals in my arms in honor of my poor fish, and a few fell to the ground in reaction to my movements. I had a black dress on, in honor of my beloved Paul, but I was the only one. I was always the only one crying my eyes out. My friends don’t know how to properly mourn, obviously.

“—and may his life be remembered forever and always. Now, would you all be so kind as to say a few words to Paul before we begin with the . . . er, burial.”

I stepped forward first.

“Paul the Fifteenth . . .” I stopped for the dramatic effect, dumping the pound of flower petals into the toilet, “Don’t tell the other Paul’s up there in fishy heaven, but you’ve been my favorite goldfish so far. I’m going to really miss you, and I lov—”

Someone knocked on the door, interrupting my speech.

“Are you guys almost done?” It was Malfoy, “I have to go to the bathroom really bad!”

“GO HOME, MALFOY!” I yelled back. I waited for a moment to see if he left and then started to speak again, “I love you like I love no other, Paul—” Except Al, of course, “—May you rest in peace.” I stepped backwards, wiping another tear out of my eye.

I know what you’re thinking.

That was the most pathetic speech I’ve ever heard, right?

Well, you know what?


I’m on my period, I’m hormonal, and I can’t stop thinking about food, so yeah my speech is gonna suck.

Too much information?


“Anyone else?” Rose inquired of the few people in the bathroom; me, her, Al, and even James. Yeah, I invited James. What can I say? The dude is starting to grow on me . . . you know, this should probably worry me and yet I find myself weirdly content about it.

“No one?” She asked for the second time. No one replied. They must be feeling the same way as I am. Choked up. Sad. Teary-eyed. Hormonal . . . well, maybe not hormonal.

“Good!” She chimed, cheerfully pushing the thing on the side of the toilet (what do you call it anyways, a lever?) and flushing it. I watched sadly as Paul’s dead body swirled around the toilet and into the dark abyss of London’s nasty sewers, “Now let’s get out of here! It reeks!”

“. . . Sorry.” James mumbled.

We all (minus Al ‘cause he’s probably used to it) shot James a disgusted look and left the bathroom. On our way out, Malfoy ran past us, hands in between his legs as if he were about to burst with pee.


He was.

Well I don’t care if that sounds disgusting, it’s the truth.

GOT THAT!?!?!??!


“Hey, Eliza,” Rose started as we walked downstairs to the Potter’s kitchen to have breakfast, “So are you heading to your house before we set on out to King’s Cross, or are you meeting up with your parents there?” She sat at the table, stuffing her face with the plate of food Mrs. P-rizzle had set out for James. I took Al’s plate. The two brothers stared at us in outrage but made no effort to steal back their plates.

“Go back to my house?” I repeated sarcastically, “Forget that. Too much effort. Nah, I’ll just mooch a ride from you guys.”

Have I mentioned that it’s September first?

. . . Well, I probably should then.

. . . Today is September first.

And you know what that means right!?


I’m pumped.

I miss old McGonagall and her shenanigans.

“Good morning kids,” Mr. P-rizzle told us, walking through the door and grabbing a glass of pumpkin juice. He winked at us like we were best buddies. And, of course, we are . . . well at least, I am. Harry Potter is the coolest person on the face of the planet (besides me, of course), “Ready for another great year of school?”

“. . . Go away, dad.” James told him, highly embarrassed—‘cept I don’t really see what’s so embarrassing.

“Love you too, James.”

He waved at us, leaving the room with his pumpkin juice in hand. As he left, Malfoy came in. Rose was exceptionally excited about this because the only available seat at the table was right in between her and Al.

Well, at least he couldn’t sit next to me.

“Thanks for making me almost pee my pants, guys.”

Guys?” Al inquired sarcastically, “Don’t you mean, Eliza?”

“. . . Right,” And then Malfoy turned to me, “Thanks for making me almost pee my pants, Eliza.” When everyone was paying attention to something else, he winked at me before taking a seat next to Rose and Al.

“You’re welcome.” I sneered at him before adding, “And besides, you practically brought this upon yourself. You should really think about your actions a little more, Malfoy. Obviously, if you kill my fish then you’re going to almost pee your pants.”

“. . . I’m not following that logic.” Al told me, eyebrows scrunched up in confusion adorably.

“It makes sense in her mind,” James pointed out, “That’s all that matters, right?”

“Yes, exactly James!” I smiled.

Everyone stared at us with their jaws hanging open as James and I giggled to ourselves.

“Since when have you two been all congenial?” Rose asked incredulously.

“Congenial!?” I cried, “I don’t know the meaning of the word.”

(I really don’t).

“Oh, come on,” Al said, joining in on the conversation, “Why’re you two acting all . . . chummy?”

“Maybe they’re secretly dating or something,” Malfoy piped up, clearly trying to be teasing. But his eyes were dark with jealousy. Good gracious, Malfoy! Just give up on me already!! Go for Rose. She’s obviously and creepily in love with you. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

“Aww!” Rose cried, “How cute.”

I narrowed my eyes. Rose knows for a fact that I’m completely smitten by Al, so why in the poop is she agreeing with Malfoy?”

I met Al’s eyes, trying to decipher them, but I couldn’t see anything in them but his own amusement, “Yeah,” He agreed, “You guys do look sort of cute together!”

“We are not dating,” I ensured.

“Am I that disgusting, Eliza?” James covered his heart with his hand in mock hurt.

“No!” I insisted, “It’s just you’re . . . like a brother to me.”

“You’re just saying that, Liza!” Albus chimed, “Deep down, you’re probably in love with him!”

. . . Well great. The love of my life thinks I’ve got it bad for his brother.

Can this day get any better?


Yes, it can actually!


Gah, I’m so excited! I almost forgot, what with the funeral and Malfoy’s annoyingness. But as soon as I ran through the barrier between platforms nine and ten, I remembered . . . mostly because my parents were standing there with a tank in their arms. Inside was a goldfish, still in its bag like they just bought it our something.

I’m in love already!

I ran towards my family as the Weasley’s and Potter’s bid farewell to their family.

“Elizabeth!” My mum exclaimed, holding her arms out in invitation for a hug. I accepted, but pulled away quickly so that I could snatch my brand new Paul reincarnate from my father’s arms. He chuckled at my enthusiasm, messing up my bangs playfully.

I looked up at my parents sheepishly. Mum had her hand on her hip, and for an old person she looked really attractive. I can only hope that I share the same fate—what, with being her daughter and all that shtuff.

Knowing my luck, however, I’ll probably be covered in warts by the time I’m thirty-two.

I shuddered.


“You know, Elizabeth,” Mum said, mockingly stern while pointing a playful finger in my face, “You could act at least a little more excited to see us, considering this is the only couple of minutes you get with us until Christmas break.”

“Who’s the teenager in this family again” I asked sarcastically, but with a smile on my face, “Sheesh, I thought I was supposed to be the melodramatic one?”

“You are.” Both mum and dad ensured.

I shot them a glare.


“You weren’t supposed to agree.”

“Then don’t give us the option.”

“Well frankly, wonderful parents,” I began as sarcastically as I could, “I think I gave you two options there. A) You could have agreed, like you did, or B) you could have told me that I was just wrong and that I’m the most beautiful and talented daughter you could have ever asked for.”

“And the most modest?” Dad piped up, smiling goofily.


“We’re very sorry, Elizabeth,” Mum said, pulling me into a hug while playing with my hair, “You definitely aren’t melodramatic. Why, you’re the most beautiful, talented and modest daughter we could have ever asked for.” She smiled at me, and her eyes sparkled with mischief, something I inherited from her.

“Thank you!”

At that moment, the big red train’s engine began to roar, signaling the families to hastily say their goodbyes so that the students could board. I gave my mum and dad another hug, kissed them both on the cheek, and then trudged off with my trunk and Paul the Sixteenth. I could find Rose and Al through all the swarming bodies headed for the train, so I just got on, figuring that I’d meet up with them on the train.

I walked down the narrow corridors of the train happily, humming to myself.

. . . That is, until someone ripped Paul the Sixteenth out of my arms and pushed me unceremoniously into an empty compartment, backing me up into the wall.

I’ll give you three guesses as to who it is.

And you better not get it wrong.

It’s a no brainer.

Frick! No, it’s not James!

What are you? Stupid?

You should have only needed one guess for this, you idiot.

It’s Malfoy.


“Well hello there, Eliza.” He purred into my ear. I pushed him away from me as best I could, but Imma wimp and it didn’t really do anything. This is about when I curse myself for never going to gym when I could have . . . that would’ve been tons of help in situations like these. Plus, I wouldn’t have that slight flab on my tummy, and Rose would no longer feel the need to poke my stomach every two seconds!

“Get off me, Malfoy.” I spat, trying to get across how repulsed I was of him, “You’re creepy.”

“And you’re gorgeous.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.”

It really wouldn’t. He disgusts me.

“You’re right.” Malfoy agreed, attempting so very hard to look ‘sexy’ or something. Quite frankly, he just looks like he’s on crack, “Flattering you requires speaking, and I can think of something much more entertaining for my mouth to be doing right now.”

“Oh, Merlin.” I squealed, “You’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you!?”

I honestly don’t know why that came out of my mouth.

Obviously, he’s trying to seduce you, Eliza. When is he not trying to seduce you, you bumbling bahooka!

Hehe . . . what's a bahooka?

Oh, nevermind! That's not important right now!

“Is it working?”

“No!” I cried, “Now go jump off this train!”

“I have a better idea . . .” He was dangerously close. Now’s a splendid time to panic, don’t you think? He was getting closer with every second that ticked by, and I was about ready to have a heart attack out of pure fear. You’d think that a guy who was so infatuated with you would at least care about your feelings and such.

“STOP!” A male voice cried, the door to the compartment sliding open violently, “In the name of love!”

My wide eyes, which had been shut in repulsion, turned to the person who had barged in. It was James, and he was posed with his knee bent and his arms spread out like a ninja. Malfoy jumped away from me immediately, knocking his legs into the seat behind him and falling into it.

“James!” I cried happily, running to him so that he was in between me and the blonde pervert. I ran my hands through my hair as the panic began to settle down a bit, “Thank Merlin you’re here!”

“Er . . . hi, James?” Malfoy tried lamely.

“Save it, you filthy swine! You were just pulling moves on my baby sister!”

I jumped at the term he used for me, but I could feel my heart warming. When James said he thought of me as a little sister yesterday, I wasn’t entirely sure if I should have believed him or not, so just hearing this makes me happy. I’ve always wanted a sibling, even if it means settling for James Potter.

Of course, this in no way makes me related to Al.

I don’t believe in that sort of thing. It’s sick and twisted, and too kinky for my taste.

. . . Er, forget I ever said that.

“Your . . . baby sister?”


“James, were you hit on the head recently?”


“Last time I checked, Lily was your baby sister.”

“She’s my other baby sister. But you’re straying away from the topic at hand, and right now that topic is me kicking your white, scrawny butt!”

“Oh yeah?” Malfoy bit back, crossing his arms across his chest and standing up so that James wouldn’t tower over him so much, “I’d like to see you try.”

“Is that a challenge?” James inquired threateningly.

I grabbed his shoulder, tugging on it as roughly as I could, “James, stop. Don’t start a fight with him; that’s what he wants.” James looked back into my pleading eyes and, after a moment with his jaw clenched and his facing turning red, he nodded, pushing me out of the compartment, grabbing Paul from where Malfoy placed him, and leading me down the train.

“That was a close one, Eliza.” James muttered to me, “Why didn’t you yell for help or something?”


I never really thought of that.

Why does it seem like James is getting smarter, and I’m just getting stupider as the days go on? It’s really beginning to worry me.

“I suppose . . .” I began, “It never really occurred to me that that was an option. I’ll remember that next time, though.”

“There better not be a next time if that boy ever wants to see the light of day again.”

He pulled me into a compartment, where I found Al, Rose, Huge-O, and Dom already seated and talking and laughing cheerfully. They greeted us as we walked in, a little shocked that we were still acting so friendly towards one another . . . a little too schocked.

“Why does it look like you two just got done snogging?” Rose asked bluntly.

Well, she’s certainly not one to feed around the bush.

I glanced at James. His hair looked messier than usual, and that’s probably because of the way he pushed opened the compartment door and jumped inside like an idiotic ninja. I ran my hands through my hair again, and realized that it probably was a bit messy, what with all my fussing and stuff.

Oh, Merlin. How do I explain this without breaking Rose’s heart?

I think I’ll begin panicking again.

Yes, that sounds good.

“Well, you see . . .” James began slowly, “Eliza thought it would be fun to stick her head out the window while the train was going so fast, so I thought I would join her.”

I resisted the urge to smack my hand to my forehead. I take back what I said about how James was getting smarter. He’s definitely the same dunderhead he’s always been. Just because you like him more now, doesn’t change a thing about his mental abilities, Eliza.

“Er . . .” Huge-O said, giving James a weird look, “Alright?”

“Shut up, Huge-O!” I almost yelled, “It was fun! You should try it sometime!”

“I’ll pass.”

“Then you’re a loser.”

“How does that make me a loser?”

“How does it not make you a loser?”



“You’re talking nonsense!”

“That’s what I do!”

“Not it’s not, Eliza.” Rose piped up, “You only talk nonsense when you’re lying.”

“Really?” Dom asked aphetically, “Because it seems like to me that she’s always lying then.”

“Stuff it, Dom.” I snapped.

Rose gasped, as if something clicked in her head, “Wait, if you’re lying—So you two were snogging, weren’t you!? You hoebags! That’s practically vomit inducing!”

Al seemed to tense at this, but it may have been my imagination. It’s pretty likely that it was, you know, considering that I often fantasize about him being incredibly jealous of some hot stud flirting with me only for him to end up break the stud’s nose and pulling me into a broom cupboard for some steamy snogging time.

“Of course we weren’t snogging!” I cried, practically begging with my eyes for them to believe me.

“She’s like my sister!”

“That’s what they all say.” Huge-O pointed out unhelpfully.

“Why are you here, Hugo?” I asked rather rudely. He just winked in response.

Curse you, Hugo Weasley. They’ve got a really dark place reserved for people like you when they die, you know.

“Why am I here?” Dom asked to know in particular, “It’s getting bloody annoying in this compartment all of a sudden.” She stared at me purposefully with such a look that clearly indicated that it would do us all some good if I was just never born.

Well I was, so tough nuts.

“Why must every train ride to Hogwarts be such a headache?” Al asked in a playful tone that broke the growing tension. He smiled at me and Rose, and I wonder if he was thinking of the day when they first met me. I bet he was. I hope he was.

“Because it wouldn’t be the same without the headache,” Rose replied.

And then she scooted over so that I could squeeze in between her and Al, and James sat next to Hugo, clearly enjoying the ride. There was peace and quiet for a few moments, where we all sat and stared at one another. It was really awkward, actually, but I sort of liked it. I watched with a fond smile on my face as Paul swam to the edges of his little bag in his tank, looking at me as if asking what in the poop was going on.

Oh, Paul.

You’re adorable.

“Alright!” Dom yelled, breaking the silence and glaring at everyone in the compartment, “Who farted!?”

“What are you talking about, Dom?” Al said, “I don’t smell anyth—Oh, sweet baby Merlin does that reek!” He covered his nose with his shirt.

“ . . . Sorry.” James said for the second time that day. A disgusted groan rippled through the small space like a wave, and, as we all followed Al’s lead and covered our noses, Al cracked the window a little.

Oh, how I love train rides with the Potter/Weasley family.


*A/N: Alrighty guys, here's chapter five for you. Right now, it is exactly 2:26 A.M., and I just finished writing the second half to this, so the first part probably makes a little sense, and then the second part is probably going to make you think that I'm on crack. I hope you like it regardless :)

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