Chapter 1 : Chapter the first and only
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It was raining, like tears falling from the sky- except without the saltiness, because that would just be nasty. Then the rain stopped, I know this because I was looking out the window, if I hadn’t been looking out the window, I wouldn’t know this because I was in the Gryffindor common room and you can’t hear the rain, falling like a baby’s tears of course, through the stonework of the tower.
The sun was shining, or glowing, or shimmering. I personally think glowing is more manly, not that the sun is a man, the sun is actually a baby, I know this becausre I’m a muggle-born and I watch Teletubbies, if I wasn’t a muggle-born and I didn’t watch Teletubbies, I wouldn’t know this. It was glowing in a baby-manly sort of way and it hurt my hazel eyes. My hazel, caramel, minty-fresh, don’t-you-just-want-to-eat-them eyes. My eyes make people melt like the manly-baby sun melts marshmallows. I know what marshmallows are because I’m a muggle-born, if I wasn’t a muggle-born, then I wouldn’t know this.
Ron and Harry want me to go to a secret meeting with them today. I’m not sure what it’s for but I know why I was invited. I was invited because I’m smart. I’m like Einstein, but with nicer hair. Speaking of which, I should fix up my hair for the event! I think Blaise will be there, and he’s in love with me. He never told me this, but I can tell by the way he offers his leg out every time I pass by. I can never look him in the face because I usually trip over his leg. Blaise is a fire, he is my fire blaze, my tiny ball of light.
My hair will be the envy of all. I can see Draco fingering his blond locks and whimpering with jealousy in my mind. I can also see Draco doing other more sinister things in my mind. My hair is blond and shinny and lengthy and pretty. It shimmers like a thousand suns, or 999 baby-manly suns. It blinds people. I know this because when I look in the mirror it blinds me. I know this because I’m looking in the mirror right now and I’m being blinded, but when I look away from the mirror, I can see again.
I walked down the dormitory stairs that I had originally gone up to fix my hair originally and now I’m going down them after I went up them. I met Harry and Ron on the bottom. Ron was picking his nose. Ron picks his nose when he is feeling scared or when he has a particularly large obstruction up there. When I approached them and got really close, almost like 2.5 feet away from them- they lifted their hands, Ron’s had a green booger hanging off the end of his, to shield their eyes from my blinding hair. I asked Harry where we were going.
“Where are we going, Harry?” asked Hermione.
Harry said that he didn’t know, that it was a secret and we had to follow the breadcrumbs.
“I don’t know Hermione, it’s a secret and we have to follow the breadcrumbs,” said Harry while shielding his eyes.
Harry led the way and we followed the breadcrumbs. They lead to the kitchen. I know it’s the kitchen because I started S.P.E.W. and made friends with the house elves- they were immune to my blinding hair- I know this because when they look at me they don’t shield their eyes. I think they have special power in their eyes, I mean look at the size of those eyes! The bowl of fruits painting had a sign on it. It said, “First meeting of the new secret society of secrecy”. I know this because I know how to read. Harry stared at me. I looked into his blue, like moldy cotton candy, eyes. He said that he wasn’t sure if it was safe.
“Hermione, I’m not sure if this is safe,” said Harry, his blue eyes shining.
Ron grunted in what I thought might signify approval, that or he had satisfactorily successfully removed a large obstruction from his inner left nostril. I opened the painting/door/portal of doom and entered the kitchen. Everyone in the kitchen, except the house elves, raised their hands to their eyes to shield their eyes from my thousand-suns-equivalent-to-999-manly-baby-suns hair. I sighed in understanding. Harry pointed Dumbledore out to me. Dumbledore smelled bad.
“Hermione! Look! It’s Dumbledore!” said Harry, pointing at Dumbledore.
“He smells,” said Ron, who now had an impeccable sense of smell after cleaning out his nose so thoroughly. I know this because I sometimes watch him with intrigue as he gets to work on it.
I’m smart. I’m the voice of reason, I’m the voice of truth, I’m the voice of trust, I’m the voice of reason, I’m the voice of logic, I’m the voice of wisdom, I’m the voice of reason, I’m the voice of intellect, I’m the voice of life, I’m the voice of honesty, I’m the voice of reason, I’m the voice of celibacy, I’m the voice of love- so it’s naturally up to me to ask the hard questions that nobody else would dare to ask and get the answers to said hard questions that no one but me, the voice of reason, truth, trust, reason, logic, wisdom, reason, intellect, life, honesty, reason, celibacy, and love, would dare ask.
So here goes-
“Dumbledore, I thought you were dead?”
Phewww! That wasn’t so hard, now was it?
“Yes, but the dead never truly leave us, now do they Hermione?” said Dumbledore, looking down at us through his full moon glasses. He smelled.
“That’s a bunch of bull!” said Blaise passionately. He’s so intelligent! And so full of passion!
Dumbledore shrugged. “Yeah, I’m dead.”
That would explain the smell.
Harry was always the one to ask the stupid questions. He asked Dumbledore why he was here.
“So why are you here?” asked Harry.
Dumbledore stared at Harry’s blue eyes. Harry stared at Dumbledore’s crooked nose. A profound silence ensued.
“I’m here, Harry, because of you.”
“Because of me?”
Harry began to cry. No one had ever done anything so nice for him before.
“Yes, I’m here to inform you that your life has all been a lie. You see these people around you, they are not real. There was never a Voldemort, there was never a James and Lily Potter, and there was never a Sirius Black. There was a Stubby Boardman, but that’s besides the point.”
Hagrid appeared out of nowhere. He told Harry not to listen.
“Don’t listen Harry, ‘tis a lie I tell you, ‘tis man is not Dumbledore, ‘tis a lie!” said Hagrid.
Everyone began chanting.
“LIES! LIES! LIES! LIES!”
Ron grunted along.
Harry was able to yell through his tears.
“You killed them didn’t you! You killed my real parents! You killed my father!”
Dumbledore smiled sadly.
“No Harry, I am your father.”
Harry blinked through his tears.
He held his nose to ward off the smell and ran at Dumbledore, hugging him tightly.
“…and Petunia is your mother.”
Harry resumed his weeping.
“I have a mum!!!! Ron, Hermione! I have parents!”
Hermione shrugged and inched closer to Blaise. Ron sat and lifted his head to get better access to his right nostril, he had already finished with the left one.
Hermione suddenly began twitching. Everyone stopped what they were doing, except Ron, he was too engrossed, and began to watch her.
Suddenly, Hermione turned into Bellatrix.
Draco gasped and pointed at her. He talked to her.
“Aunty! I thought you were dead,” said Draco, his voice breaking thirty-three times.
“I was, but I came back for you Draco,” whispered Bellatrix hysterically, because anything stated in a whisper sounds more mad.
“For me?” asked Draco, his voice breaking twenty-eight times.
“Yes Draco, I’m your mother Draco,” whispered Bellatrix. Her eyes grew wide and she attempted to run her hand through her hair. Her hand got stuck and Ron helped her yank in out while smearing boogers all over her.
“Wha…what?” spluttered Draco, his voice cracking twenty-four times.
“Yes Draco,” whispered Bellatrix, having extracted Ron’s boogery hand from her hair. “Your father cheated Draco.”
Harry stopped sobbing for a moment and pointed at Draco, laughing manically.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” laughed Harry, manically.
So this is for ToujoursPadfoot's Worst Story Ever Challenge. I'd love some feedback :)
Credit for Teletubbies goes to the tv show on PBS kids channel 11.
"my tiny ball of light" is credited to the Oscars.