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The Woeful, Inspiring Tale of Draco Malfoy and Hermio—I mean Mia Zabini by ericajen
Chapter 1 : The Woeful, Inspiri... oh, whatever.
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 50

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A/N: Alright. Here it is. The parody you've all been waiting for. The Woeful, Inspiring Tale with a title that takes too long to type out over and over again. Basically, this story was inspired from the forum chat when a bunch of us began discussing our favorite Dramione cliches. A lot of them are in here. :D Enjoy!


“Hermione,” my mother began, looking at me solemnly. She had called me down from my room earlier to discuss something with her and my father. I obeyed and went downstairs, my curiosity eating away at me. “I’m afraid that we have some news for you.”

“What is it?” I asked, intrigued by the odd way they were acting.

My mother glanced over at my father and gestured for him to speak while tears welled up in her eyes. I was getting really worried.

“Hermione, dear,” my father said, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder, “we’ve been keeping a secret from you. A big secret.”

“For how long?” I questioned. I was horrified. How could they have been keeping a secret from me like this? And more importantly, what was the secret?

“Since you were born,” he answered hesitantly.

I gasped. It couldn’t be! Since I was born? My heart began to race, blood pumping quickly through my veins. My hand placed itself over my heart of its own accord.

“What’s the secret?” I asked in a voice barely more than a whisper.

“We… we aren’t your parents,” my father forced out after an encouraging look from my mother.

“WHAT?” I shrieked, unable to control myself.

“Your parents are really Alfonsina and Fibonacci Zabini,” my mother explained.

“The Zabinis?” I echoed and they nodded in confirmation. “Cool!” I squealed.

“What?” my mother asked, sounding shocked.

“You’re not… angry?” my dad queried.

“Angry? Why would I be angry?”

“Well, because we aren’t your real parents…” my dad trailed off.

“Exactly. You’re not my real parents, why be angry? In fact, I bet I’ll forget all about you two once I get settled into my new life,” I dismissed with a wave of my hand. “Plus, the Zabinis are super rich, super pureblood, and super awesome! So, when are they coming? I assume I’ll be leaving here to move in with them as soon as possible.”

They stared at me blankly and I shrugged. It wasn’t my fault if they were confused. Luckily I didn’t have to endure the awkward silence long; the doorbell rang shortly after. I rushed to rip open the door, revealing a tall, beautiful couple and a young man whom I recognized as Blaise Zabini.

“Ohmygawd, so you guys are my real family?” I asked.

“Yes, Mia dear, we are,” the woman confirmed, pulling me into a hug. “My name is Alfonsina. This is my husband, Fibonacci, and my son, Blaise. Blaise is your twin, Mia.”

“Wait… Mia?” I scrunched up my nose in confusion.

“Mia is your real name. Mia Aurora Gabrielle Maria-Josefa Esmeralda Destynnee Purple Zabini,” Fibonacci told me. “Hermione is just the name you were given while you were in hiding.”

“Ooh, the name Mia is so pretty!” I gushed, clapping my hands together excitedly.

“Hello, Mia,” Blaise greeted politely.

“Hello,” I responded and tentatively reached forward to hug him. He wrapped his own arms around me in an embrace.

It felt like home, hugging my real family. I knew in my heart that I belonged with them; that I was one of them. For the first time in my life, I felt like I really fit in somewhere. It was clear to me then that the past eighteen years of life and memories and friendships meant absolutely nothing compared to the new life I was about to begin.

“So, can we leave now?” I asked.

“Sure,” Fibonacci agreed.

“Oi! Old mum, old dad! I’m leaving. Thanks for raising me like your own flesh and blood and stuff! Bye!” I called into the house before turning back to my new family. “Great! Let’s go!”

Blaise offered out his arm and I grabbed it, allowing him to take me in Side-Along Apparation. When we landed, the sight took my breath away. It was the most beautiful estate I had ever seen. It was bigger than any mansion I could have ever imagined and so beautiful looking. There were gardens and streams and a pond and flowers and a forest and whoa – were those unicorns playing in the backyard?!

“This place is amazing!” I complimented earnestly.

“Yes, it is,” Fibonacci conceded, looking slightly proud. But not arrogantly proud. He was too good of a person to be very arrogant; I could tell just by the five minutes I had spent in his presence.

“Let’s go inside,” Alfonsina suggested. “We have much to discuss!”

I followed my new family into the house, finding that it was even more beautiful on the inside what with the fairies flying around gracefully, sprinkling sparkly dust around and the piles and piles of Galleons scattered about. We settled into an enormous dining room to chat.

“So as we mentioned earlier,” Fibonacci began, “you have been in hiding for the entirety of your life.”

“Yes, why is that?” I asked. I was rather curious.

“Well, Mia, you see, it’s a very complicated story. Basically, there is no real logical basis for this ludicrous decision we made eighteen years ago. At all. Just on a random whim we decided it might make things more interesting if we gave up our baby daughter to a Muggle family and then take her back when she was older,” he explained.

Oh. Okay. That makes sense.” I nodded thoughtfully.

Everything was just coming together! It was amazing. I couldn’t stop beaming. My cheeks were beginning to get sore from the constant smiling, but I didn’t care.

“And that’s basically it. Welcome to the family!” Fibonacci concluded with a big grin.

“You guys are so great,” I chirped. “Can I call you Mum and Dad?”

“Absolutely!” my new-and-improved dad exclaimed.

“Now, Mia, we’re having some guests over for dinner in a few hours and we need to get you ready!” my mum said. “Come upstairs with me and I’ll show you your room.”

I waved goodbye to my dad and Blaise and followed my mum up several flights of stairs until we finally reached the landing of the floor my bedroom was on. She opened up the door and motioned for me to go in first.

It was an absolutely breathtaking room. It was large with plush beige carpet and light pink walls, which reminded me of princesses. The bed was massive with the comfiest looking blankets and pillows on it. There were deep pink rose petals scattered across the surface of the many armoires and there was even an enchanted harp in one corner that was playing the most beautiful music!

“It’s perfect,” I breathed in amazement.

“I’m glad you like it,” my mum said with a smile. “I have another big surprise for you.”

“What is it?” I asked excitedly. If it was anything like the past hundred surprises, then it was going to be fantastic!

“Well, you see, the appearance you have grown up with is not your real appearance. In reality, you look a lot more like Blaise, but you have had a glamour charm on you for your entire life.”

“Oh,” I gasped.

“I’m going to take the charm off now, and I just don’t want you to be too shocked, okay?”

“Okay,” I agreed.

She pulled out her wand and waved it over me. I instantly felt things changing. My legs were becoming longer and thinner, my stomach was flattening to the point that I felt like a supermodel, and my face was tingling with change. I could feel my hair now gracing the small of my back.

I rushed over to a full length mirror in the room to examine myself. My hair was now dark with caramel highlights. It fell in soft waves down my back. My skin was tanned and flawless. My eyes were now a vivid green and seemed to be wider. My lips were full and sultry looking. I was a little bit taller and a little bit slimmer, though I hadn’t been heavy at all before. I had curves in all the right places.

In short, I was absolutely stunning and gorgeous. I could hardly believe it!

“Wow,” I murmured as I experimented with tossing my hair over my shoulder.

“You’re completely beautiful, Mia,” my mother complimented.

“Thank you,” I said graciously.

“Our company will be arriving soon; you need to get dressed. Just look in your wardrobes and find something nice to wear. Our dinners are very formal here because we are purebloods and therefore do everything as decorously as if we were at a ball in the 1800’s.”

“Kay, will do!” I consented and waved excitedly to her as she left the room.

I walked over to one of my many wardrobes and pulled open the door, looking for a formal outfit. But nope, this one was full of teensy weensy nightgowns and a few bathrobes. The next was full of casual wear. The one after that was filled with what I’d call ‘social outing wear’, which was kind of nice, but not formal enough for dinner. Though I did make note of the black leather pants inside of it. Finally, I found a wardrobe stocked with formal dresses.

I picked a slinky emerald green dress which matched my new eyes and pulled it on. It had a slit on one side all the way up to my thigh and a plunging neckline. I felt incredibly sexy in it and once I looked in the mirror, I knew my feeling was spot on.

“Damn, I’m hot!” I whispered to myself gloatingly.

I figured I still had awhile before dinner so I practiced facial expressions in the mirror. I decided that my favorite looks were sultry, alluring, irresistible, and come-hither. I think they suited my personality and new appearance nicely.


I whirled around to find none other than Draco Malfoy standing in the doorway.

“What are you doing here?” I asked in surprise.

“My family is here as guests to the Zabinis tonight,” he explained.

“Oh,” I muttered.

I hadn’t been expecting to see my old school enemy! I also hadn’t expected him to be so… attractive. Since when were his cheekbones so beautifully carved? His jaw so strong? His body so chiseled? His lips so kissable?

“I’m supposed to escort you downstairs,” he continued on.

I noticed that his eyes were roaming over my body and, not feeling self-conscious or awkward in the least, I stood up straighter and made sure he got a nice view of my chest.

“And if I don’t want you to escort me?” I challenged.

“Then that’s too bad,” he said, “because there’s no way I’m letting you go down there without me.”

Me being me and liking a man who takes charge of the situation, not allowing for the woman to have any substantial options, I strutted over and put my arm through the crook of his elbow.

“You look dazzling tonight, Granger,” Draco commented as we walked down the stairs.

“Draco,” I began in my most seductive voice, “call me Mia.”

He smirked as we entered the dining hall where my family and Draco’s were sitting. Naturally, Draco and I took seats that were next to each other. Blaise was on my other side and all the parents were across from us.

“Hello, Mia,” Lucius Malfoy greeted.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Narcissa added. “As Mia, anyway.”

“Yes, it is,” I agreed sincerely.

“No hard feelings?” Lucius asked tentatively.

“Of course not!” I responded and grinned at them.

How could I possibly be mad at them for all of the things they did to aid Voldemort? They were such good people; they had just gotten mixed up in the wrong crowd. Totally understandable. Besides, Lucius had hair to rival a centaur’s beautiful mane!

“Great! Let’s eat!” my mum exclaimed and we all tucked in.

The food was delicious! Even better than all of the food at Hogwarts. I figured they must have been working their house elves pretty hard, but who cares about that when you’re eating the most amazing food of your life?

At some point during the meal, my fingers accidentally brushed up against Draco’s, sending a jolt of electricity through my body that left me breathless and blushing.

“Mia, would you like to take a walk outside with me?” Draco queried politely once we had finished our (delicious!) meal.

I looked to my parents for permission and they nodded their assent enthusiastically.

“Yes, Draco. I would love to. But I need to change first. I’ll meet you down here in five minutes,” I told him and rushed back to my room to switch outfits.

I knew exactly what I was going to wear to blow Draco’s mind. I yanked open the door to one of the wardrobes and pulled out the black leather pants I had discovered earlier. I put them on, along with a silky purple camisole which showed off my kickin’ tan. Once I fluffed up my voluptuous hair a little bit, I was good to go!

Draco was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs, and once he caught sight of me, I could hear his breath hitch. He gulped deeply but managed to remain otherwise calm as we linked arms. I let him lead me outside to a path that wound its way through the lush gardens.

“Mia, I just want you to know that everything I did to you in school was regrettable and I only did it to protect you. It broke my heart a little bit more every time I had to see you suffer, but it was an unfortunately necessary aspect of our time at Hogwarts,” he apologized.

“I understand, Draco,” I replied. “Besides… going through all of that, it all just seems so worth it now that I’m here. Now that I’ve found out who I really am and what really matters to me.”

“Is Ron… your boyfriend?”

My breath caught in my throat. I hadn’t been expecting that question.

“Oh, Draco,” I breathed. “Ron… No. Ron isn’t my boyfriend.”

He could tell something was wrong by the look on my face. “What happened?”

“After the war, Ron began acting very strangely. And then one day he just snapped. Started chucking things everywhere. Broke everything in his house. And socked Harry right in the face. He… he’s currently wearing a straightjacket and locked into a room at St. Mungos. I have to admit that this is clearly very characteristic of him and really not surprising at all.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Mia.”

“It’s okay, Draco. Everything is okay now that you’re here.”

“I have a confession,” he admitted and bit his lower lip (sexily). “I’m… part veela.”

“You don’t need to feel bad about that, Draco,” I told him, rubbing his arm soothingly.

“It just makes me feel so superficial, you know?” he said in an angst-ridden voice as he tugged his fingers through his silky blonde hair. “I don’t want people to be attracted to me just because of my unexplained and illogical veela heritage.”

“You are so much more than your veela heritage, Draco. You’re a good person. It’s like I can see your soul… and it’s full of sunshine and bunnies and everything good in the world.”

Draco’s deep and beautiful soul was then juxtaposed with a surprise appearance by Pansy Parkinson, who seemingly came out of nowhere. She was flailing her arms wildly and screaming like a banshee.

“What are you doing here, Pansy?!” Draco shouted angrily.

“I’M HERE TO KILL THE EVIL SPAWN OF SATAN BESIDE YOU!” she shrieked, pointing her wand at me.

It all happened so fast after that, I didn’t even have time to think. All I know is that a stream of red light was flying towards me and then I was on the ground with Draco lying on top of me.

He had saved me.

We stood up, but Draco pulled me behind him protectively.

“Leave, Parkinson!” Draco warned.

“Draco,” she sobbed, “you’re supposed to love me. Not her. Me. ME ME ME!”

“I don’t love you, Pansy! You need to leave!” he yelled.

“Are you saying that you love her?!” Pansy screeched.

Draco glanced apprehensively at me before answering. “Yes. Yes, I do love her. I love her with all of my heart. My love for her is deep and profound and meaningful and lots of other things that don’t apply to how I feel for you.”

My heart began to race and swell with love all at the same time. Draco Malfoy loved me! I was so excited I had to make a real effort to not just leap into his arms and snog the life out of him.

“Fine,” Pansy muttered bitterly before Disapparating.

Draco turned slowly to me, looking adorably nervous. He was biting his lower lip again and looking deliciously angsty and sensitive.

“You saved me,” I breathed before rushing forward and enveloping him in a hug.

“I only did what my heart told me to,” he whispered into my hair.

I pulled slightly away so that I could gaze into the silver orbs that were his beautiful, breathtaking eyes.

“I love you, too,” I told him in a voice scarcely audible voice.

He leaned forward and soon I felt the brush of his lips on mine. Things escalated at a ridiculously fast pace and too soon he was pulling away. It had been a most tantalizing snog.

“Those leather pants look freaking sexy on you,” he murmured as we pulled away from our kiss.

“I know,” I replied.

“Come with me,” he demanded and I obliged by grasping his hand and following him.

A few moments later, we were by the unicorn meadow. We walked over to one unicorn which seemed more majestic and beautiful than all of the others. It was like it was made to represent the love that Draco and I shared for each other.

“This one,” Draco began in a soft voice, “is Genevieve Estelle Felicity Raven Cassiopeia. She’s my favorite.”

He hopped up onto the unicorn and then reached out his hand to help pull me up. I straddled the unicorn behind him and wrapped my arms around his trim waist.

Draco turned around to smile at me before lightly jabbing the side of Genevieve Estelle Felicity Raven Cassiopeia, sending her into an easy trot.

And together we rode off into the beautiful, dazzling sunset.


A/N: Ohmygawd, who else is bawling their eyes out at how beautiful this is? No one? Okay. Whatever. So anyway, I have a few people to thank:

WeasleyTwinMom - she was my beta and and she did amazing (because she's a superhero).

Justonemorefic - she came up with the name Fibonacci, which is a classic.

And all of the people in the chat who discussed cliches with me!

So... time to review, eh? You know you want to. Plus, I'm dying to know your favorite quotes/scenes!

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