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The Perks of Being Elizabeth Goodbody by still_fly
Chapter 4 : Shock
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 23

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Chapter Four

“I am so disappointed in you lot—”

I wonder what’s for lunch.

“—so reckless, and stupid—”

Whatever it is, I hope it’s Asian.

“I mean, jumping out of the second floor window—?”

Asian food is yummy.

“—stuffing a goldfish in your mouth—?”

It’s not fair, actually. Why are Asians smart and great chefs?”

“—waving a steel rod around like a raging lunatic—?”

I mean, why do they get everything? I’m stupid and every food I touch turns to crap.

“To think that I actually thought you guys were responsible teenagers.”

Erm . . . except when I eat it; that’d be nasty.

“Silly of me, really.” Mrs. W-fizzle went on, “I should know that the words ‘teenagers’ and ‘responsible’ shouldn’t be used in the same sentence unless the words ‘are not’ are in between them.”

You want to know what I’m craving right now? Pizza. The kind with the ham and the pineapples on them. Or some salsa con queso. Man, I really wish I had that nütella right now too. And that Asian lunch thingy is sounding really good as well. But another thing that sounds really good? A burrito. Or like cheezy mashed potatoes. OH MY GOSH, I could really go for some cheesecake right now. Cheesecake would just make my day—scratch that, it would make my entire week—scratch that twice, it would make my whole month—scratch that three times, it would make my year—scratch that four times, it would make my entire life.

“Just promise me you guys won’t do anything stupid like that again.”

A big, juicy steak would be nice right now too.


I should force Albus to make me some more food.

“. . . Are you even listening to me?”

I wonder what’s for dinner.

“Merlin’s pants!” Mrs. Weasley huffed, “You lot are unbelievable!”

“Wait,” Someone spoke up from my left; I think it was Rose, “What’s unbelievable?”

“Merlin’s pants, Rose.” Albus answered, “I bet they’re bejeweled or something.”

“Ohh.” Rose nodded in understanding.

I scoffed, popping myself into their conversation easily, “Fat chance. I bet his pants were super skinny.”

“I bet Merlin wore spandex.” Malfoy chimed.

Everyone in the general vicinity (minus Rose) gave Malfoy a look that pretty much singed ‘stop talking, or you will die’.

“Nice mental image, Malfoy.” Dom congratulated sarcastically.

“Heh heh . . .” He laughed nervously, and scratched his neck in embarrassment, “. . . right.”

“CHILDREN!” Mrs. Weasley yelled desperately, successfully gaining our attention, “Will you stop that!? I’ve been trying to scold you lot for the past twenty minutes, and none of you were even paying attention!” She collapsed on the couch, resting her elbows on her knees and burying her head into her hands in apparent frustration.

“Erm . . .” Al began, “You can try again . . . if you want?”

Mrs. Weasley looked up to shoot Al an annoyed look, and then sighed, “Oh, whatever. Just go away. I’ll simply pretend like you guys learned your lesson.” She waved her hand towards the door, silently ordering us to go back to our respective rooms or whatever.

So we all shrugged and left Mrs. W-fizzle in the living room. It was well past noon at this point (you see, Mrs. Weasley wanted to wait until she got enough sleep to scold us), so we all scrambled into the backyard to soak up the summer sun. Al and Scorpius immediately ran to the middle of the spacious field behind the house to wrestle and do boy things. Rose, Dom and I remained on the porch, staring.

And then I remembered something.

“Hey, Rose,” I said, “Could I use your owl?”

“Gonna write another letter to your mum asking for another goldfish?”

I pulled an envelope out of my bra (I didn’t have any pockets, okay?) and waved it in front of her face, “Already did.”

Rose raised her eyebrows, “Whatever, you psycho fish lady.”

I looked over at Dom, who was studying her nails vigorously, then at Al and Malfoy (Al had the stupid git in a headlock. GO AL!), then at Rose who was basically screaming for her owl to come down here, and then I sighed because I was completely and utterly bored.

“HOLY CRAP!” Dom yelled, standing up all of a sudden. I jumped, frightened by her weird/crazy outburst, “Where the heck is James? Wasn’t he supposed to wake up for Aunt Hermione’s scolding too?””

“By golly!” I exclaimed (hehe, I’ve always wanted to say that), rising to my feet, “You’re right.”

Rose stoop up as well, “Wait, are you telling me that he skipped out on possibly the twenty most boring minutes in all of earth’s history and left us to be eaten alive by said boredom!?”

Dom and I nodded.

Rose’s eyes narrowed to slits, “That skank.”

There was a crack, and then, from right behind me, came James’ voice saying, “Who’re you calling a skank, Weasley?”

Rose punched James’ shoulder, “Don’t call me by my last name, you nimrod. We’re related.”


All three of us smacked our hands to our foreheads. Dom shook her head at her cousin’s stupidity, Rose punched him on the arm again, and I sat down because whatever James was about to go on about was bound to make me thoroughly exhausted.

Rose, being Rose, hit James’ arm for a third time.

“Ow!” He cried, rubbing his arm briskly, “Stop hitting me, woman!”

Rose punched him again.

“Are you deaf!?” He yelled, “Stop that!”

“Why didn’t you wake up to get scolded by Hermione like you were supposed to, you ho!?” She very nearly screamed, ignoring his protests completely. She waved her arms around in the air angrily, and I had to duck like five times so I wouldn’t be smacked in the face by them. I sniggered. She just got Dom in the nose.

James was too preoccupied by rubbing his arm that he didn’t answer. In response, Rose hit him again.

“What do I look like, a punching bag!?!?”

“. . . Yes.” I answered, giggling to myself. James shot me a glare.

“Answer me, you dolt!” Rose yelled.

James sighed, shifting his gaze to Rose in deliberate slowness. I hope he realizes that he just looks stupid doing that, “Listen, Rose. Do you honestly think that I was going to wake up to my blabbermouth aunt scolding me? I wouldn’t have even paid any attention if I had, so why even go?” Rose stared at him in silence for a little bit, her brows furrowing even more with each second that ticked by.

“Well, why didn’t I think of that!?” Rose punched him again.

“Hey!” He protested, “Don’t take your own stupidity out on me!!”

Rose, whose arm was raised to hit him again, froze. Her eyes turned icy, and she glared at James furiously, “What did you just say?”

“I said, ‘Don’t take your own stupidity out on m—”

Rose interrupted him, “You’re calling me stupid!?! Oh that is it.” Rose lifted up her sleeves and cracked her knuckles much like she did that day I met her and Al on the train. She stepped towards James, fist in front of her.

James caught on immediately, “Oh, I see! Rosie wants to go, don’t you!?” He got in his own battle stance, but he didn’t look quite as ninja as Rose, “Bring it, little cousin.”

“Hell, yes I wanna go!” She yelled, “Let’s take this outside, ho!”

Dom stepped forward, placing a hand on Rose’s shoulder, “We are outside, Rose.”

“Oh . . .” She said flatly, and then she perked up again after a moment of contemplating, “You wanna take this inside just so we can take it back out!?!?”

James straightened up, momentarily distracted, and gave Rose a weird look. Dom and I smacked our hands to our foreheads again. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Why do I attract lunatics? Because not one friend I have is mentally stable. It’s really scary, actually. One day, I’ll befriend a murdering cutthroat and won’t even think twice about it.

And then he’ll kill me!

Good Lord, I should probably grow out of this habit.

“. . . I don’t know if I wanna go now.” James said slowly.

I rolled my eyes, leaning back against the wall of the house so that I could watch their antics comfortably. Rose and James argued on while Al and Scorpius continued to wrestle in the grass, laughing and cussing and having fun. I kept my eye on Al, my expression softening as he whooped in delight after successfully beating Malfoy in their match.

I saw someone sit next to me from the corner of my eye, and turned to find that it was Dom. She was glaring at me like her life depended on it.

Well, nothing new going on here.

“What?” I snapped, already irritated by her presence.

“I don’t like you, Eliza.”

“Well, great. Now that we have that established . . .”

“You don’t deserve him.”

“Excuse me?”

Okay, now I truly had no idea what she was talking about. Her gaze left mine and I followed her line of sight, hoping for just an inkling of what the crap she’s going on about. She was staring at Al and Malfoy, but mostly Al. She looked back at me and raised her eyebrows snootily, and then I understood.

“Is this why you hate me, Dom?” I asked, smirking slightly at the idea of it all, “Because I have a crush on your cousin?”

“Don’t give me that ‘crush’ talk, Goodbody.” Dom huffed, flipping her perfect golden hair behind her shoulder, “I see the way you look at him. It’s not just a crush, and you know it. You better be careful, because if he falls for you . . .” She trailed off, her tone threatening. But when have I even been afraid of a Weasley? Or anything for that matter? I’m freaking fearless!

I was getting extremely pissed at this point, “And so what if he does!? Last time I checked it wasn’t your responsibility to delegate who Al can and cannot fall in love with. You’re bleeding psycho, Dom!”

Except she wasn’t. I guess it sort of made sense, even to me. I may not know Dom as well as Rose does, but from what I can tell, she is extremely attached to her family. Didn’t she get emotional last night because of James being ‘smart’ for once (if you could even call what he did smart)? Ahh, this explains everything! The great mystery as to why Dom hates me is finally solved!

Dom’s top lip lifted into a repulsing sneer, “Just remember that I’m watching you.”

Oh don’t worry, Dom. I’ll make sure not to forget. I’ll write it down in my journal just for good measure, because I really don’t want to forget. Really, really don’t want to forget.

Yeah, sike.

“Whatever,” I commented coldly as she got up and walked away from me.

That girl is a menace.


“Can you believe the nerve of that girl!?” I practically yelled at Rose, storming into her room like a . . . storm. I flew myself face first into the pillow on my bed, screaming like an unhappy child, and then turned to look at Rose, “I’ve never been so infuriated in my entire life!”

Rose rolled her eyes, “Dom is hardly anyone to be afraid of, Eliza. Especially when it’s you we’re talking about.”

“You think I don’t know that?” I snapped. I was in rather the grouchy mood right now, and I would apologize for being mean to Rose later. Right now, I needed to vent though. Rose understands . . . hopefully, “That’s not the problem, Rosie. It’s just . . . annoying.”

“You’re dealing with the Weasley family, Eliza,” Rose told me, laughing. That was a good sign, that she was laughing. Maybe that means she does understand, “What’d you expect?”

“To become bloody famous . . .”I grumbled into my pillow.

Rose scoffed, “Even I’m not famous, Eliza, and I am the daughter of Hermione and Ron Weasley. The only people who’re even remotely famous around here (besides my parents and Uncle Harry) are James, Al, and Lily. And that is solely because of their last name. So suck it up.”

I sighed into my pillow, “Rose, I just feel like everything is against me, and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’m going to end up as a failure. It won’t be long until Dom has your whole family against me too, you know.”

“Now that’s just ridiculous, Eliza,” Rose stated, sounding irritated by my (surprisingly short) rant, “My family loves you. We wouldn’t be the same without your quirks and snappy comments there alongside us.”

“I don’t know,” I muttered, “I can think of a few people who wouldn’t mind if I just dropped off the face of the earth . . .”

“Like who?”

“Dom . . .”


“Someone else . . . I can’t recall their name right now.”

“Well, when it comes back to you, let me know.” Rose commanded sarcastically.

“I intend to.”













I really wish someone was here to stop this, because it’s not going to happen if it’s just us . . . Oh well, someone will walk in on this eventually . . . hopefully . . . any second now . . .

Oh dear Merlin, just kill me now and end this.

“YES! IT’S BLOODY FANCIFUL!!” A voice called from the room next door. It was Hugo and he sounded like he was just woken up from a nap or something, “NOW SHUT UP SO THAT I CAN GET SOME FREAKING SHUT EYE!”

Never thought I’d be saying this, but thank you Huge-O.


Later when I calmed down, I went searching for Al. You’ll never guess where I found him. That’s right ladies and gents, Albus Severus Potter was in his kitchen raiding the fridge (that muggle thing that I still don’t understand).

Shocker? I know.

I poked his back to gain his attention.

“Hey, Al.” I said, preparing for him to turn around. I twisted my hands together behind my back and rocked on the balls of my feet cutely.

Oh, yeah. You can’t resist this.

His only response was a muffled, “Hayff, Elifha.”

“What’re you up to?”


I kept rocking on my feet, “What’re you eating?”

He poked his head out of the fridge for a second to look at me. His mouth was completely full, and there was something that looked like chocolate around it. My eyes narrowed in suspicion. He swallowed his food noisily.

“Nothing . . .”

I decided I would overlook his apparent lying and actually talk about what I came here to talk about, “Alright . . . whatever. Look, I found you so that I could ask you if you wanted to help me prepare the funeral for Paul the Fifteenth.”

“. . . You mean clean the toilet?”

“Yes, exactly.”

He stomped his foot childishly, “But I cleaned it last time! Isn’t it Rose’s turn?” As discreetly as he could, he shut the refrigerator door while quickly stuffing something behind his back. He then promptly wiped off the chocolate stuff on his face with the sleeve of his shirt. I watched this all occur, slightly transfixed.

“Well, you see, she actually claims that she did it . . . last time . . .” I trailed off, too distracted by the mystery of what was behind his back, “What are you hiding?”

“Who said anyone’s hiding anything?”

“Don’t give me that sass!” I retaliated, “I just saw you put something behind your back.”

“You’re delusional.”

“Normally, I would agree,” I began, “But this time I’m positive.”

“Are you sure?


“Would you bet your own life on that?”


“Would you bet your children’s life on that?”


“Would you bet Paul the Sixteenth’s life on that?”


“Holy crap, you are sure.”

I rolled my eyes. Sometimes I wonder if James’ stupidity ever rubs off on Al.

I stepped to Al’s side, craning my neck to see behind his back, but he quickly turned so that his back was up against the fridge. I tried again, this time reaching my arm behind him so that I could grab whatever it was he was hiding. To get my hand away from it, he stretched the arm that was holding it out a bit . . . and I could see it now . . . it was a case of . . . nütella.

“Wait, that’s my nütella!”

Al sniffed as if he were offended or something, “No it’s not! I found it! Finders keepers, losers weepers.”

“Oh, somebody’s gonna be weeping but it sure as hell is not going to be me!” I pulled my hair back in a quick ponytail to put emphasis on the fact that I was going to kick his butt if he didn’t give me my nütella back.

Al stared frantically between me and the nütella for twenty whole seconds, and then ran for it.

I guess he chose nütella over his life.


I zoomed after him on a raging warpath. Albus may be the Seeker for the Gryffindor quidditch team, but without his broom he’s really not the fast—or, at least, I’m faster. He jumped over furniture, screaming like a little girl, and even though I had to go around the couches and tables and stuff, I still caught up to him.

I tackled him, pinning him to the ground by placing both of my legs on either side of his torso.

“Please don’t kill me, Eliza,” He begged, offering me back the nütella, “I couldn’t resist the hazelnut, chocolaty goodness!”

“I’ll think about it,” I replied, snatching the nütella out of his hands, opening it, sticking my finger inside and placing it in my mouth. Oh, Merlin. I’ve been dreaming about this. Did I die and go to heaven? Wait, probably not. I have a feeling that I’m going to go to hell. Oh, well. I suppose that this is the closest I’ll get to heaven then, so I better relish it while I can.

“Erm . . . Eliza,” Al began sheepishly, “Can you get off of me now?”

I was too busy stuffing my face with nütella to pay him any attention, or want to get up for that matter.

“Seriously,” He said, sounding a little more desperate this time, “You’re sitting on my bladder, and I really have to pee.”

I ignored him again, but I could tell that he was getting really frustrated. It was really really amusing, actually. That is, until he did something completely and totally unexpected. He grunted in frustration, placing his hands on my waist and heaving. He pulled me off of him and towards his side, rolling on top of me and putting his legs on either side of my torso.


The nütella rolled out of my hands, and I stared up at him in complete shock. He seemed to be feeling as surprised by his actions as I was. I really don’t think he ever meant to act so boldly and roll on top of me, sort of like how I never really expect him to do so either.

Our eyes connected, and I could feel the weight of needing to know what he was thinking pressing itself down on my brain. You’d think that eyes as bright and green as his would be easy to read. Quite the opposite, actually.

Al cleared his throat, snapping out of whatever it was he was in, and he slowly got up, offering me his hand. I took it, still completely dazed by the whole ordeal. I watched him carefully as he nervously put his hand on the back of his head, fingers grazing through that dark hair. He chuckled lightly, giving me the best smile he could muster up.

Well, this is awkward.

“As I said before,” Al started, “I have to pee. So I’ll go do that right now.”

Way to break the tension, Al.

“Okay.” I couldn’t really think of anything else to say.

So he waved weakly and left the room, avoiding my eyes. I stood there, unsure of what to do. I could wait for him like I was aching to do, but that would most likely only make things more awkward. But if I left, then he may get offended. Oh, who am I kidding? He won’t get offended! He knows me too well to get offended!

So, with a huff, I turned on my heel and headed for the front door.

. . . Only to be stopped by someone calling for me from the top of the staircase.


It was James.


I groaned, not even trying to hide it from him, “What do you want, James?”

He slid down the railing of the stairs, grabbed my arm, turned slightly on the spot, and then suddenly I felt like my body was being pressed through a small tube. Though it wasn’t at all painful, it wasn’t exactly the best feeling in the world. I shut my eyes through it all, and then, when I opened them, I found myself stumbling backwards in what appeared to be James’ room.

“What the heck, you stupid mofo!?”

“I have to talk to you,” He explained, “Privately.”

“You could of just walked me up the stairs and into your room, bozo.”

“Like you would have sat happily with that if I had even tried!”

I ignored him, glancing around his room. It was littered with dirty boxers, and I scrunched up my face in disgust wondering how long they’ve been sitting there when they could just easily be cleaned with a washing spell. His bed looks like it hasn’t been made in years, and there were a number of strange objects strewn across the room.

But none of that was as noticeable as the door. The door that was closed. And locked. And had a huge desk placed in front of it, preventing it from being opened.

“James,” I tried my best not to sound frightened and failed epically, “Why is the door locked? And more importantly, why is there a desk in front of it?”

“Because I need to talk to you,” He said, “And this is the only way to ensure that you don’t try to run away, obviously.”

“I don’t feel comfortable—”

“Nuh nuh nuh!” He tutted, cutting through my plea like a true idiot, “I’m going to be the one talking here! So shut it.”





“Listen for a sec—”


I gave up, shutting my mouth, crossing my arms and pouting. He paused for a moment, to make sure that I was done before speaking, “Now, I told you last night that I was going to help you out with my brother, and I intend to go through with that. So, I’ve come up with this plan. I call it, plan G.A.T.H.S.W.E.”

I stared at him blankly, “What does that stand for, exactly?”

“Get Al To Have Sex With Eliza.”

“Oh sweet Merlin,” I said, smacking my hand to my forehead for—what was it?—the third time that day, “James, listen to me and listen to me carefully,” I told him slowly, so that he would understand, “I do not want to have sex with your brother. I’d like to get married before anything like that ever happens, thank you very much.”

James’ eyebrows furrowed, “Bugger. And it took me forever to come up with that name.”

“I think that you might just be able to get over it.”

His eyes lit up suddenly, “Alright, how about G.A.T.M.A.T.H.S.W.E?”

I sighed in frustration, wanting nothing more than to put a thousand miles between me and this insane boy, “And what does that one stand for?”

“Get Al To Marry And Then Have Sex With Eliza.”

“Would you stop with the sex, James!?!?” I exclaimed, “My virgin mind would rather not think about that right now! And I know that you’re really siked about helping me out with this, but if you don’t mind I’d rather you not help at all.”

James laughed, but I really didn’t know what he found so amusing.

“Eliza, you are so amusing.”

Well, that answered my question, I suppose.

“That wasn’t meant to be a joke.” I replied, haughtily.

He laughed harder, lightly touching his finger to the tip of my nose, “You—stop that! We both know that when you say you don’t want my help, you’re really dying for it and you’re just trying to be polite and stuff.”

I stared at him like he was crazy, “Or,” I began sarcastically, “When I say that I don’t want your help, I mean I don’t want your bloody help!”

He chuckled some more and I had to strongly resist the urge to smack him right across the face, “Whatever, Eliza,” He laughed, “I just won’t help you then,” He winked here, “So I guess that means I won’t be planning out a new scheme to get you together with my brother. Oh, darn. And I was really looking forward to it.” He winked again.

I decided I would play along for now, because I really wanted to put his door in between himself and me.

“Alright, then.” I said, trying to match my tone to his. I scrambled to the door, hoping to Merlin that he would follow and let me out of this prison cell he calls his room.

“One more thing, Eliza.” He said, grabbing my arm and pulling me back to where I was standing before.

I couldn’t give a flying poo about anything you say, Potter. Now, LET ME OUT OF THIS GODFORSAKEN ROOM!

He made sure that my eyes were on his before continuing, “Don’t worry about Malfoy, I’ll take care of him. He won’t be attempting to hit on you anymore after I’m through with him. And that, my friend, is a promise.”

I froze, my eyes widenening.

Did he just say what I though he said?

I think he did.


“Oh,” I said after a moment, recovering from the initial shock of the entire situation, “You . . . know about that?”

He rolled his eyes, “I told you yesterday, Eliza. I know you think I’m really stupid, but believe me when I say that I’m more perceptive than you may think—at least, when it really matters. And you’re like a sister to me, and considering that you don’t have an overbearing, protective older brother to watch over you, I’ve found myself striving to fill those shoes for you.”

My eyes softened, “Thanks, James. And you’re like a brother to me, too.” I told him sincerely. And then I did something that I don’t think I’ve ever thought I’d do in my entire life. I wrapped my arms around his body and pulled him into a gigantic bear hug. He patted my head awkwardly.

I set him down and he walked to the door. He pulled out his wand, and shrunk the desk, placing it in his pocket for now, and then he opened the door for me like a gentleman. I left with a big smile on my face, actually waving goodbye to the bloke.

Oh Merlin, what has gotten into me?

You’re not supposed to wave at James! Bad Eliza, BAD!

But, you know, James Potter isn’t half as bad as I thought.

. . . But that still doesn’t mean I want him ‘helping’ me win over his brother.

I groaned, realizing that he had a vital piece of information dangling over my head. Information that I never even could have suspected to be there. He knew about Malfoy. And no one can ever find out about that. Not Dom, not Mr. Potter, not McGonagall, not Mrs. Norris, not Nearly Headless Nick, and especially not Rose.

That would be bad.

Very bad.

Extremely bad.

. . . Help?


*A/N: James is turning into one of my favorite characters, I hope you guys like him as well. Any thoughts on the other characters though. Eliza? Rose? Malfoy? Al? I love your guys' input so leave it in a review :)


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