Chapter 22 : Died In Your Eyes
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Author's Note: Hey everyone! Here is the next chapter, and please try not to hurt me once you finish reading :( Enjoy and don't forget to leave a review!!
Your hands start undressing me;
Your lips won't stop kissing me'
I hear you say you love me
Before I start crying, crying
Give me a reason for trying, trying
The one thing that keeps me alive
I just died in your eyes
On the morning of the Quidditch match against Hufflepuff, Harry and I dropped by the hospital wing before going down to the pitch. Ron had been very agitated because Madame Pomfrey wouldn't let him go down to watch the match, feeling that it would overexcite him.
"So how's McLaggen shaping up?" he asked us nervously, apparently forgetting that he had already asked us this twice this morning.
"We've told you," Harry said patiently, "he could be the best Keeper to ever play Quidditch and I still wouldn't want to keep him. He keeps trying to tell everyone what to do - he seems to think he could play every position better than the rest of us."
"Except for me, he wouldn't dare tell me how to my job," I mentioned and Harry glared at me.
"And he keeps hitting on my fiancée," Harry said as if this sealed the deal.
"So...is Hermione going to look in before the match?" Ron said, trying to be casual about it.
"No, she's already gone down to the pitch with Ginny."
"Oh," Ron looked really upset about that. Hehe. Destiny, I say - destiny!! "Right. Well, good luck. Hope you hammer McLag - I mean, Smith."
"I'll try," Harry said, shouldering his broom. "See you after the match."
We hurried through the corridors because practically the whole school was already seated in the stadium or heading towards it. Harry was glancing out the windows as we ran and I knew he was in full Quidditch mode now, probably trying to figure out how much wind we would be facing.
A noise ahead of us made us both look up to see Malfoy walking towards us, accompanied by two sulky and resentful girls, neither of which were Kacey or Shana, which was quite funny to me always seeing their desperate attempts to get together with him. Malfoy gave a short, humorless laugh at the sight of us before continuing to walk.
"Where're you going?" Harry demanded.
"Yeah, I'm really going to tell you, because it's your business, Potter," Malfoy sneered. "You'd better hurry up; they'll be waiting for 'the Chosen Captain' - 'the Boy Who Scored' ... or maybe 'the Boy Who Didn't Score', depending on what you're talking about."
My cheeks felt like they were on fire, knowing that he was talking about the fact that Harry and I hadn't had sex yet. How he knew that, I didn't know, but he did know and that mattered. Was it really that big of a deal to people?
Harry wrapped his arm around me, holding me closer to him. One of the girls gave an unwilling giggle. Harry stared at her and she blushed. He pushed past us, the girls trailing behind him at a trot before turning the corner and disappearing.
Harry stood there for a moment, staring at the spot where Malfoy had just been. I know he was trying to decide what to do - go to the game or find out where Malfoy was always going.
"Harry..." I said quietly, giving him a meaningful look.
"Right," he said, shaking it off before resuming running back down to the Quidditch pitch.
"Where have you two been?" Ginny demanded as soon as we walked into the dressing rooms. The entire team was changed already, and Peakes was hitting his club nervously against his leg.
"I met Malfoy," Harry told Ginny quietly, although it was loud enough for me to hear. They argued a bit and I tried to ignore it while I changed. I stripped out of my normal clothes and pulled on a pair of spandex shorts and a bright red sports bra. "Emily!"
"What?" I asked, whirling around to look at him. He gave me a look telling me I should cover up. I rolled my eyes, noticing that Cormac was giving me a look as well, but it definitely wasn't telling me to cover up. "Enjoy it, Harry."
He rolled his eyes this time before lightly kissing me, his hands slipping around my waist. I leaned back against the lockers, his body pressing against mine. "Now get into uniform before I make you do laps."
"Oh, I'm so scared," I mocked, throwing on a hoodie, leg warmers and my Quidditch boots underneath my Quidditch robes. I quickly tied my hair back in a ponytail so it wasn't in my face, and my gloves to protect my hands from the roughness of my bat. "Hey Captain, don't forget your promise."
"Right," he nodded, recalling what we had discussed before going to see Ron this morning.
We all walked onto the pitch to deafening cheers and boos. There was a little wind, the clouds were patchy and every now and then there were flashes of bright sunlight.
"Tricky!" McLaggen said to the team. "Emily, Peakes, you'll want to fly out of the sun so they don't see you coming -"
"I'm the Captain, McLaggen, so shut up and stop giving instructions!" Harry said angrily. "Just get up by the goal posts!"
Once he had marched off, glaring at Harry along the way, he turned to Peakes and me and said, "Make sure you do fly out of the sun." He turned to face the rest of the team. "Do not, under any circumstances, cause any sort of physical injury to Allie Williams, one of the Chaser's on the Hufflepuff team, as Emily will kick your arse. Just warning you. So let's go out there and win!"
I walked to my spot and glanced over at Allie, who was just finishing talking to her team, and from the expressions she was making and the hand gestures she was using, she was telling them the same thing I had told Harry to tell our team - no one injures the sibling, but everyone else is free game. Well, maybe in her case she deemed Harry out-of-bounds too, because of him now being her future brother-in-law, but who knows?
Harry shook hands with the captain of the Hufflepuff team, and the whistle blew, both teams flying into the air. I swung my Beater's bat around carelessly, before aiming an oncoming Bludger at Zacharias Smith, just because his presence annoyed me.
The game went on, and McLaggen was getting on everyone's nerves. He had already let in two goals because he was too busy telling all the other team members what to do to watch the goal posts.
Before I knew what happened, a Bludger had soared past me and hit Harry in the head with a deafening crack. He went sailing from his broom, his limp, unconscious body falling to the ground. Madame Pomfrey rushed out to him, but I was faster and at his side within a few seconds.
His pulse was steady, assuring me that he was okay. I kissed him lightly on the forehead before Madame Pomfrey took him away on a stretcher to the Hospital Wing. The game had been paused momentarily during this, and I called the team down to our goal posts for a quick meeting.
"Okay, so I'm going to take Harry's place as Captain with Ginny assisting me, got any objections?" I asked, glaring at McLaggen, who shook his head. "Good. Now, Chasers, keep the Quaffle away from Hufflepuff and score as much as you can. We also have to keep their Seeker from getting the Snitch until we have two hundred points. McLaggen, do your job and do it properly, because this is your last game - trust me. Do not tell the others what to do, that is not your job - it's the Captain. And as of this moment, I'm Captain so my word is law. Now, back to you lovely Chasers. Peakes and I are going to give you some time to get a bunch of goals, so use it because we're going to cause a distraction. We're also going to take out as many of their Chasers as we can."
We all flew back up on the whistle signaling the end of the time-out and got right back to work. Peakes and I immediately caught the Bludgers between the two of our bats, passing them back and forth, drawing everyone's attention, including the other team. We ended up getting quite a few goals in that time before Peakes and I exchanged quick nods and flung the Bludgers at Hufflepuff's Chasers.
We eventually got our two hundred and stopped Hufflepuff from getting any more goals, but let their Seeker get the Snitch, ending the game with our team's victory.
Immediately after the game, I took a quick shower before tying my wet hair back up into a ponytail and changed back into my clothes from before. I headed up to the Hospital Wing where Harry was awake and talking to Ron beside him. I quickly slipped away to ask if they'd be okay for the victory party and she said it would be alright as long as they didn't overexert themselves. At my presence, both boys turned and asked "Who won?"
"We did," I answered, grinning. "Merlin, you'd think that you guys loved the sport or something." I gave Harry a kiss before planting myself on the edge of his bed, his hand taking its rightful place in mine. "McLaggen won't be bothering you again - I dealt with him. Oh, and the party is in an hour. I convinced Madame Pomfrey to let you two out for it."
"Seriously?" Ron asked and I nodded. "You're right, Harry, she is pretty amazing."
I rolled my eyes and smacked Harry playfully. About an hour later, the three of us headed to Gryffindor Tower where the music could be heard as soon as you walked onto the floor. We slipped in and the party started. There was loud music, dancing, food...and a lot of alcohol, unfortunately. Whoever was able to get it into the school, and brought it all to this party was pretty stupid.
Only three hours after the party had started, it was actually a lot of fun. I was dancing with Harry all night, and we hadn't been separated at all for once. We'd kiss occasionally, but mostly just danced and talked and enjoyed our team's victory.
We had moved away from the common room and to the sixth year boy's dormitories where we could be alone and away from all the music. He pressed his lips against mine, and it became full-on making out. The session kept getting more and more heated as the minutes ticked by. His hands finally began to slide up my shirt. He began to pull it off as I pulled off his, and once he was finished with my shirt, he started unbuttoning his jeans.
Wait, what was I doing? Was I really going to go through with this? Of course not! There was no possible way I was ready for this!
"Harry, stop," I said calmly, standing up and pushing him off as I crossed my arms over my revealed stomach. But hey, my chest looked really good in this bra...just saying.
"Em, if it's the self esteem issues, you know I don't care about the scars," Harry said, standing up as well.
He just had to bring those up.
"It's not about my stupid, bloody scars," I mumbled, glancing down at the exceptionally long, vivid white scar on my torso.
"Then what is it?" Harry asked.
"I'm...I'm not ready," I said quietly. Why did I feel afraid? I shouldn't feel that way...not with someone I cared about.
"For Merlin's sake! We've been dating for over two years now! We're freakin' engaged!" Harry fumed.
"I honestly don't care how long we've been dating or if we're engaged! I'm just not ready and that's not going to change any time soon!" I exclaimed, tears making my eyes burn as they pricked at them.
"We've tried this at least three times already! How can you not be ready?" Harry asked.
"Because I'm not!" I screamed at him, the tears now falling freely. "You stupid, insensitive jerk!"
"Em, Emmy -” He reached out to touch me but I whipped around, my anger flaring up.
"Don't touch me!" I screamed at him.
"I didn't mean -"
"Yes, you did! You're a teenage guy and that's all you ever want! Do you no longer value my morals?"
"Of course I do, Emily," Harry said. "And that's not true."
"Yeah, it is! You keep trying to force me to do something that I don't want to do right now. I'm too young and I'm...I'm too immature!" I yelled, gathering my shirt and sweater and storming out of the dormitories, shoving the shirt and sweater onto my body as I went.
"Emily, please wait!" he called after me, but I refused to let him catch up. I walked outside and wrapped my thin sweater around me tighter as I walked along the edge of the Black Lake, thinking about everything that had just happened.
Should I have let him go farther? Was I supposed to now that we were engaged? I felt somewhat obligated to, but then again, there was still that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I did the right thing because I'm not emotionally ready to take that on yet.
I wanted my first time to be special. Not in the boys dormitories where someone could walk in on us! I wanted roses and moonlight and all that romantic stuff. I didn't only want it, but I deserved it.
I could feel the tears start to fall again.
I wasn't supposed to have to deal with these kinds of things. I was a freaking superstar for crying out loud! My life was supposed to be perfect! I wasn't supposed to be scarred, or having a psycho killer hunting me or boyfriend problems, yet I had all of the above.
But was this the way Harry wanted me to show him I loved him? He proposed to me, so I had to sleep with him now? That didn't seem right to me - it didn't make any sense, at least, not in my mind.
And honestly, I was scared to do it. I was afraid that it was going to hurt. Or that as soon as we did it, he'd leave me. Tell me he's ready for a break. But I'm not. I want to continue taking it slowly. I still want to get married. But I don't want to have sex - at least for awhile. I mean, there's other ways to get intimate and show our love for each other, right?
I sat in the sand by the Black Lake for what seemed like hours, letting everything in me out.
"Em, Emmy, Sunshine, I'm so -"
"I can't do this anymore, Harry," I said softly, staring at the ground.
"W-what?" he stuttered.
"My heart can't take anymore of this - it's too much," I told him. "I think we should take a break."
"A break?" he repeated. "For how long?"
"Indefinitely." I slipped the promise ring and engagement ring off of my fingers and slipped them into his hand, curling his fingers over them for him.
"What? Emily, you can't -"
"Please, just don't talk to me anymore," I told him softly, before walking away, back up to the castle.
Next time on "Missing"
"Yeah, I've been dealing with some...things," I said vaguely and he nodded, sitting down beside me.
"You know, if you ever need someone, I'm here for you," he said, and I gave him a small smile in thanks. "Actually, I wanted to know if you'd like to go to Diagon Alley with me on Saturday."
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