Chapter 1 : Wakefulness
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He knew how sensitive was his sleeping wife to light, and how little it would take for her to wake up in a lousy mood that she wouldn’t probably express but would, nevertheless, stop her from falling asleep for the rest of the night.
It was for her sake then that he dimmed the lights, because if there was something she wouldn’t reproach his was that he somehow entertained himself when he wasn’t able to sleep.
Scorpius Malfoy sighed. During his first night as a human outside of another human’s body, as a slightly independent being, he’d cried his lungs out in a screeching tone until sun was up. Then he’d stopped screaming only to remain exhausted, silent and wide eyed against his father’s chest.
The healers had immediately gotten to work and around the afternoon he’d fallen asleep. It was a very bad sign, since newborns need to sleep around sixteen hours everyday.
He had grown up between visits to San Mungo. Many of the symptoms of his condition had been treated; others had faded away as he became older. Others, being a brilliant child, he had managed to transform into advantages.
But having problems to fall asleep was somehow a constant in his life. Every time he was nervous, he would enter a state of awareness and attention that would keep him awake all night. And then, during the day, he would feel exhausted and grumpy, and his head would hurt like hell and his heart would beat like a frightened bird.
When he was a teenager he’d stay up thinking about counterarguments to fictional discussions, thinking about exams and worrying, worrying, worrying.
Most of his worries had been unfounded.
Now he was an adult, and his worries were more real and important than ever. Sometimes it was difficult to restrain the impulse of simply feeling overwhelmed by it all.
He had picked this book hoping to achieve somnolence through utter boredom. It was a detailed analysis of a particularly uneventful period of magical history, adorned with long quotes in obscure dead languages.
He could start to panic, he knew, as the hours went by and he continued feeling as stone cold sober as he was when his delightful wife had snuggled up against him and immersed in her world of dreams and sleep-mumblings within twenty minutes.
Sometimes he felt tempted to wake her up, Just to share insomnia with somebody. But even if she had a lot more chances of falling in Morpheus’ arms than he did, it could be that she’d remain conscious with him, only to be taciturn and disinclined to any kind of activity during the day -wich Scorpius found to be extremely depressive, since Rose’s usual self was hard-working and good-natured.
He loved that about her. She exuded content and love. You looked at her and you knew that she wasn’t judging you, or anyone for that matter. Even if she was running to work or doing fifteen chores at a time, there was something calm about her, something constant that he could cling himself into. It was obvious that whatever she may do or think, or how impulsive she may appear when upset, her feelings would not change easily. He simply knew that once she her heart had turned to him, that wouldn’t be swayd in the longest time. Rose wasn’t fickle, or unstable.
The only person she made the conscious effort of restraining her temper for was him. She was extremely patient and considerate when he was overcome with anxiety. She did her best to stay serene, to give him space to gather himself together. Sometimes Scorpius wondered if he would ever do something good enough to deserve Rose.
Musing as he was, he didn’t notice he was looking at him seriously.
“We could get tired, you know,” she said with her sleepy voice, which was half an octave lower than the usual one. She smiled sheepishly.
He kissed lightly her collarbone and rested his face against the crane of her neck.
“I’m not sure…” he answered. She scratched his head tenderly. He sighed.
“What is it?” she asked. “What’s keeping you up these days, I mean.” But he had already known.
He separated himself from her, to see her looking steadily at him. He didn’t answer rightaway.
“I’m worried about not being good for this. For you.” he avoided looking at her fixating his gaze into the boudoir.
“Why do you think that?” she asked, and she sounded sad.
He took a pause. “I’m not normal” he whispered.
Rose remained speechless for an instant, as in shock. Then she kissed him fiercely.
“How dare you say that” it wasn’t a question “How dare you say that like it’s a fault of yours…”
“I know it wasn’t easy for mother, or father, and now it might be like that for you…”
“Scorpius, I love you” she interrupted.
“It wasn’t easy for me” he finished, and then added “and you know I love you too.”
After a pause, she plucked a strand of his hair behind his ear. “I can imagine it wasn’t easy for you” she mused. He sighed. “But I think you’re overanalyzing, as usual. You worry too much about doing things right, and in most cases you don’t need to. It’s not like you know for sure that history will repeat itself.”
“But children need stability” he protested.
“You are stable” she responded.
“I don’t feel stable” his brows furrowed.
“I’m not sure that anyone does, for that matter.” She covered a yawn. “There will always be something that’s unsettling you. It’s normal.” Rose considered saying something along the lines of ‘Besides, we’re already on the boat’, but she decided not to. “Hug me?”
Scorpius sighed and he complied, and a smile escaped him. “You’re like a piece of sunlight in my arms” he said, immediately feeling stupid. But she looked at him with more tenderness than he believed possible.
“It’s like you refusing to make love with me because you’re scared of hurting the baby” Rose said, after a few minutes.
“What?” he couldn’t connect his last sentence with this declaration.
“You worrying too much. The doctor said it’s ok, I said it’s ok, I know you won’t hurt me and still…” she stopped dead in her tracks. She suddenly looked as in pain.
“What? What’s up?” he asked. She shook her head. It appeared as if tears were forming in her eyes. “What? Are you hurt? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing” she replied, sounding a bit too cheery.
“I know it’s not. It’s not fair that you get to psychoanalyze me and then you don’t tell me…”she was sort of hiding her face against his chest, and he thought he could see where this was coming from. “I love you, Rose Weasley. Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind?”
She breathed deeply a few times. Then, still hidden against her chest she said “My hormones.”
He laughed. “I can totally understand that. But I already knew it was your hormones. I want to know what do your hormones tell you that’s so upsetting. ” It was her turn to laugh a bit. It was weird how they would take turns to console one another. She normally consoled him, but the pregnancy had made her more sensitive.
“I know I look different…”she mused. He knew that this was the issue.
“Yes, it’s true, you’re looking more stunning lately.” She groaned.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Well, don’t. You are looking more beautiful everyday, anyway.” He really believed this. He took her shoulders and forced her to leave her hideout. She didn’t look at him.
“I really was worried about hurting you and the baby, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“Of course.” He kissed her bluntly. He really was scared about many things. Having a child was the biggest responsibility he had ever faced, and he suspected, the biggest he would ever face. Being who he was, he was painfully aware of the number of things he could mess up. He kissed with force, wishing that he could convey in this one kiss everything he felt about her. “I know the doctor said it isn’t a problem.” He added. “And as you were saying, it is one of those times I worry too much. It has nothing to do with you.”
She remained silent and somehow subdued, snuggling against him. “I was supposed to be comforting you” she lamented.
“We’re supposed to comfort one another” he replied.
After a while she started tracing the contour of his collarbone with the tip of her index finger. “Well, I think you’re going to be an excellent dad, and if our kid has to go through what you did we’ll manage. You’ll be able to understand what he’s going through as you have the experience… And anyway, there’s no guarantee that will happen” she said. “I think you should stop worrying and enjoy more. And I love you just like you are, just like this. I wouldn’t change you for anything.”
“Thank you Rose,” he said. A lump formed in his throat. “You mean so much to me, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you…” he trailed off. He could tell her that making her happy was the most important thing in his life, that having her was a gift, that waking up next to her could make any day worthwhile. Instead of that he kissed her and let his hands trail her back. “I’m so happy you’re with me, Rose. You’re perfect… you’re just perfect.” She gasped for air and that set him off. He momentarily forgot some of his fears as he kissed her earlobe, and a shiver ran through her body so intensely that his own body shook a bit.
Neither of them got to sleep much for the rest of the night, but then again, in this occasion, neither of them was sorry.
Author's Notes: This is more than anything a character study for the Rosius story I'm working on. It's pretty much a work in progress... I would like to know what you think. It's suppossed to suggest or hint at Scorpius personality and past without letting too much on, and it's also a rant about being an adult with AD/HD... Wich Is suppossed to be implied without being adressed directly. Well, feel free to criticize since this is my first work in english and it is very possible that I've messed something. Thanks for reading!
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