When will he find out? It is only matter of time, I can only avoid him for so long… it’s been two weeks since I said a word to him… I am so ashamed. Did Sirius tell him? Is that why he hasn’t even tried to bring me out of my silence. Or maybe he thought I was still mad about his proposition that we break up… which I was, but I deserve that now.
“Miss Jasmine!” Flitwick snapped. “Are you even paying attention or do I need to send you from the room? I have called on you three times now and you seem to be completely unaware.”
“I’m sorry professor.” I mumbled, not looking up. “I have a lot on my mind.”
“Perhaps you would like to go speak with the Headmaster about this?” The short professor spat uncharacteristically. “I have tolerated your obliviousness for over a week, hoping it would go away, but that is clearly not happening. You may leave my classroom and don’t come back until you have spoken with Dumbledore and are ready to participate.”
I glanced around the classroom and found that every gaze was on me, including Remus’. I blushed and stood up quickly, clumsily gathering my things and stumbling toward the door.
As soon as I was out of the classroom and in the hallway, I contemplated going to the common room and avoiding the Headmaster at all cost, but figured that somehow he would know and then I would be in even more trouble than I already was. I drug my feet toward the tower in which I would find the overly kind old wizard until I reached the spiral staircase that led to his office. I stopped. What would I even say to him? ‘Oh, I’m just having boy troubles… I just cheated on my amazing boyfriend with hi best friend.’ Yeah, that wouldn’t go over well. I sighed and mumbled the password before beginning my journey up the stairs.
I made to knock on the old, wooden door, but it swung open before I even touched it. “Come in.” I obeyed and stepped into the office.
“Hello…” I cleared my throat. “Professor.”
“Have a seat Jasmine.” I looked up into the icy gaze of Dumbledore and instantly seated myself. “Now, I have been informed that a very bright student of mine has had her head places other than the classroom while class is in session. Would you mind explaining to me how such a great student is doing so poorly?”
“I…” I choked on my own words, unable to proceed with my sentence.
“Yes?” He asked patiently. I gulped. I couldn’t possibly explain to him what was going on… that would be embarrassing and seemingly stupid.
“I’m just thinking of other matters.” I admitted, gazing down at my hands.
“Could you please elaborate, I can’t help you if I don’t know.”
I didn’t speak. How could I? I began to panic. I should not be here, I should have never come back to school… no, I should have never kissed Sirius.
“Does it have anything to do with the incident at the Potter residence during the last full moon?” He looked at me thoughtfully.
“No.” I shook my head, fumbling with a gadget on him desk. “I’m afraid I can’t talk about it.” I winced.
“Ah, so that indicates that this is something that could be embarrassing… might it have anything in particular to do with a handsome young werewolf?” My gaze snapped up to meet Dumbledore’s knowing look.
“Something tells me that you already know the answer.” I muttered, my cheeks reddening.
“I have noticed that you two are quite close. I do hope this has nothing to do with his lycanthropy, however.” He stated.
“No.” I answered. “Well, yes. Kind of. But it isn’t me who is letting it get in the way. It’s him. He is terrified of committing and he hides behind that and uses it as an excuse to pull away from me.”
“I’m sure he wants to be close to you, but yes, he may be scared. Or, maybe after what happened that night with Rosalind put things in perspective for him. He is probably concerned for your safety.”
“That is what he says, but he doesn’t care what I have to say about it.” I exhaled, holding back my tears as I felt a lump form in my throat. “He wants to break up with me because of it.”
“Something in your voice and persona right now tells me that you think he should break up with you, but not because you want him to.” Damn that old man’s intuition. “Would you care to tell me why that is?”
“Not particularly.” I sniffed, not meeting his eyes.
“So, it sounds like to me, that you have some talking to do with Mr. Lupin. It is never good to keep secrets from someone you love.”
“But, I can’t tell him… It’ll crush him.” I admitted. “It would cause him too much pain.”
“Now, then, explain to me why it is that you would put someone you care so much about in so much pain?”
“I… I don’t know. I feel terrible.” I sobbed, putting my head in my hands. “I knew what I was doing and I did it anyways.”
“What did you do child?” I felt a hand rest on my shoulder. “Surely it was not something that is past forgiveness.”
“I ch—cheated on him with his best friend.” I cried, almost inaudibly. I felt Dumbledore remove his hand from my shoulder. I guess even he didn’t see that coming.
“Oh, child. People have done far worse.” I was shocked by his words and even more shocked to find him kneeling in from of me so that he was at face level. “The fact that you feel so much remorse tells me that this hurts you more than it will him. Go, tell him. But do not forget, that one must always suffer the consequences of their actions and if he is upset with you, let him be for he is rightfully so.”
I nodded and stood up, I inhaled deeply and smiled a small smile at the old man. “Thank you.” He nodded and winked back at me as I left his office.
* * *
It took me quite a while to locate Remus, but when I found him I wanted to run in the other direction because he was so happy and peaceful sitting beneath the tree by the lake, reading.
He heard me approach and his head snapped up and a shocked look masked his face. “Hello.”
I swallowed. “Hi.” I replied, my voice breaking.
“I’ve missed you.” He smiled, patting the ground next to him. “Are you alright?”
“No.” I confessed. “I need to tell you something.” I sat down beside him and his hand instantly took mine and began caressing it. “But I want to wait for a few minutes.”
“Okay.” He smiled at me. He went back to his book and continued to absentmindedly play with my fingers.
I sat, basking in the moment for in a few minutes he would be too disgusted with me to even look my direction. “I love you.” I whispered, glancing at him.
“You know that I love you too.” He smiled in reply. “More than anything.”
I felt even guiltier as he said this and I stared at our hands. “What has gotten you so contemplative?” He chuckled as he took my chin in his hands and lifted my face up. “Hmm?”
I shook my head, taking my face out of his hands. “I haven’t kissed you in two weeks.” I mumbled.
“Well let me fix that.” He smirked leaning toward me. My breath caught and the butterflies began to flutter in my stomach. I closed my eyes and waited for out lips to meet. He kissed me softly, lingering for a moment before moving away. “Better?” I shook my head, kissing him quickly on the mouth before standing up.
“We need to talk.” I said, pulling his hand until he stood up.
“And we can’t do that sitting down?” He remarked sarcastically.
“I have a confession to make.” I began, biting my lower lip as I watched his reaction. His brows furrowed and the smile left his lips.
“What is it?” He asked cautiously.
“I did something really bad that made me think that you should break up with me.” I grimaced. “I was desperate and hurt and confused about us and… I was not thinking strait and it is eating me up inside. I totally understand if you never want to see me again or talk to me again, because I would deserve it.”
“What are you talking about? What could you possibly have done that is that bad?” He asked, unbelieving.
“I… I kissed Sirius.” I closed my eyes and waited for the fury, but I opened then to find him frowning at him.
“I know.” He stated. “I figured that day in the garden at the Potters’…” I was taken aback. “He is your best friend and he saved your life. I asked Sirius about it and he said it was a small peck on the lips.”
“Well, yes.” I nodded, gulping again.
“I’m not mad.” He chuckled lightly, rubbing my arm. “That is what has been eating at you?”
“No… it was after that.” I began with difficulty. “I was confused about us, you told me you wanted to break up and I thought… I did it because I needed reassurance that I was supposed to be with you… I have had feelings for him, but I love you and I just wanted verification that I was with the right person. I wanted to make sure that kissing him felt nothing like kissing you.”
“You kissed him… again?” I could see the pain on Remus’ face now.
“Well what was it? Another peck? I small, nothing kiss? What was it?” He pressed, his face more upset then I had ever seen it before because in his heart he already knew the answer.
“I wouldn’t have even brought it up if it wasn’t… bad.” I divulged. “If he wasn’t being a good friend…”
“What?” He demanded, stepping away from me. “You would have slept with him.” It wasn’t a question. I nodded solemnly before covering my face with my hands and crying.
“Jazz? How could you do that to me? I thought… I thought you loved me.” I could tell he was crying but I couldn’t see it because my own vision was blurred with tears.
“I do love you.” I sobbed, reaching out for him and grabbing his arm only to have him yank it away from me.
Neither of us had seen Sirius approach and we were only made aware of his presence when he spoke “what is going on here.” Then, I knew that things could not get worse.
“What do you think?” I heard Remus snap. “How could you do this to me?! You were my best friend!”
“I am your best friend.” Sirius retorted, confused.
“Then how do you get off making out with my girlfriend?” Remus hissed, his fists clenching.
“Remus, if you are going to be mad, be mad at me. It was my fault.” I tried to reason, crying even harder.
“It takes two and I know he has feelings for you! So don’t defend him.” Remus spat.
“I’m so sorry. I told you I wasn’t thinking strait and what I was trying to do.” I pleaded, grabbing his hand.
“Yeah? And what conclusion did you come to? Are you supposed to be with me? Because I don’t think so.” His voice broke and I watched him wipe the tears off of his face.
“I love you, Remus. I never wanted to hurt you.” I begged.
“Yeah well, you did.” He pulled his hand out of my grasp and made to leave. It was then that I noticed we had attracted a crowd. “Did that kiss ‘reassure’ you? Were your feelings for him gone?” I looked away, unable to answer him. “That’s what I thought.”
“Remus, please…” I sobbed.
“No, I’m done with both of you.” He replied quietly. Remus turned to walk away, but Sirius grabbed his shoulder.
“Is that it? You’re going to let both of us go just like that?” Sirius snapped. “You fought for this girl and our friendship and you’re going to let it go over a mistake? We wish we could take it back.”
“You can’t.” Remus hissed. “And she has just proven to me that she wasn’t worth fighting for in the first place.”
And right as I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, Sirius punched Remus in the face. I screamed and willed myself to move, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t breath as I choked on more fierce sobs. No one had ever said anything more hurtful to me in my life. I deserved it though. I know I did. I wouldn’t fight for me either.
By the time I has regained a small amount of my composure and full out fight has commenced between Sirius and Remus. At least I knew they weren’t trying to kill one another because if they were, there would have been magic involved in the fight. This gave me hope for their friendship, but not enough for me to stand by and watch.
“Stop it!” I screamed, trying to pull Sirius away from Remus. “Knock it off!” I continued to try to get in the middle, but I never succeeded, but right when I was about to give up James showed up and jumped in the middle, somehow managing to push them apart and hold them at arms length.
“What the hell is going on here?” James demanded, gripping the collars of their shirts. I hesitantly stepped forward and put a hand on Remus’ arm, which his immediately shrugged off.
“Ask her.” Remus murmured.
“Jazz?” Jamed turned to me, giving me a questioning look. I didn’t speak, I just look back at James with eyes full of tears.
“I’m out of here.” Remus shook his head and stalked off.
The crowd began to dissolve and I stood there staring at Sirius. He had just gotten in a fight in my defense and I should have been grateful. “Why did you punch him?”
“Did you not hear what he said about you?” Sirius asked, taken aback.
“I did, but he’s right. I’m not worth it.” I refuted.
“Don’t say that.” Sirius pleaded, taking my hand.
“Don’t… don’t touch me.” I stammered, taking my hand away from him. I turned around and left, feeling like a zombie as I headed toward the castle.