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Enemies with Benefits by dobbyismyhero22
Chapter 1 : And So It Begins...
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 58

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He pushed me against the wall roughly, strong hands encircling my wrists. I wrapped my legs around his waist. The cold, stone wall and our extremely close proximity were keeping me in place. I traced his sculpted, bare chest with my hands. He shivered, and forced my mouth open with his lips.


I moaned in pleasure as his hands found their way underneath my shirt.


Now I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck is this raunchy chick, and who the hell is she snogging?


Well, first of all, hi. How are you doing? I’m just dandy myself.


Not only am I snogging the life out of the bane of my existence, he’s slightly doing the same to me.


How did it happen?


I have no clue.


Honestly, I don’t even know how it came to this.


One minute I was screaming at him for being a complete and utter prat while he was screaming back at me for being a selfish bitch. (Which I’m not, by the way. He’s just an arsehole.)


And then the next, he kissed me. 


Now I couldn’t just let him get away with that, so I was about to kick him right where it hurts.


But then, I realized that his lips were really soft.


And I mean, the bloke and fucking snog.


Next thing I knew, he was pushing me into a broom closet.


I know, I know. A broom closet. How cliché is that? But hey, we couldn’t be caught snogging in the middle of the corridor. It would ruin our reputation as enemies.


I hate him more than anything else in the world. I’m not about to be seen kissing him. Gross.


Wait a second. What the hell am I doing?


I’m kissing Fred Weasley. I’m bloody snogging Fred fucking Weasley.




I pushed him away from me roughly causing him to knock over a bucket, which resulted in a loud clang. Confusion dawned on his face right before I smacked it with all my strength.


“What the fuck, Blazer!” He yelled furiously, holding his cheek in pain.

“Who the hell do you think you are? Kissing innocent little girls! RAPIST!” I shouted like a crazy person, and smacked him across the face on more time just for good measure.


Then I ran.


Of course as soon as I ran out of the closet I knocked over some poor tiny first year.


“HEY!” He screamed outraged.


What a brave little dwarf.


But I wasn’t in the mood to deal with cocky firsties.


“OUT OF MY WAY, MIDGET!” I screeched, waving my hands like I belonged in a mental institute.


He burst into tears.


Oh dear Merlin.


I can’t deal with this right now.


“You made first year cry, Blazer?” Weasley said, grinning stupidly, exiting the closet. His jet-black hair was a complete mess and his lips were swollen.


Shit. Did I do that?


“What did you do? Smile at him?” Weasley smirked, patting the firstie on the head, which only made him cry harder.

“Fuck you, Weasley. I have a great smile.” I scowled, and folded my arms across my chest. 

“You look like your constipated when you smile. Oh wait, never mind, that’s just your face.” Weasley taunted like the immature six-year old that he was.


The first year boy giggled.




I am dealing with children.


But then again, I’m a child myself so I responded, “At least I don’t have…brown eyes!”


Yeah. I’m just so bloody clever.


He threw his head back in laughter. “Merlin, I’m just drowning in all of that wit! And yeah, you do actually have brown eyes, dipshit.”


I hate him so much that it physically hurts. Like I must have hate nerves or some shit like that that just flare up whenever I’m around this monstrosity of a person.


“My eyes are hazel, you fucktard. See,” I said pointing to my eyes, which are most definitely not brown, “There’s green in there too!”


“No, I just see poop color.” He smirked.


ARRGHHHHHH. That is my feeling towards that. I hope you enjoyed it.


“Yeah, well, you’re stupid!” I exclaimed.


Like I said, so bloody clever.


Ah sarcasm, you never fail me.


“No, YOU’RE stupid!” He retorted.




Oohh ouch. I’ll bet that one burned.


Like toast.

Toast that is all black and char filled and just stupid. Yeah.


“YOUR BUTT IS STUPID!” He shouted.


“MY BUTT IS VERY SMART, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!” I screamed back, getting up in his face.


My butt is very smart? What the hell is wrong with me?


“YOUR MUM IS STUPID!” He got up in my face too.


That’s when I raised my hand to smack his face because my mum died along with my dad when I was nine.


What I didn’t expect was that he would catch my hand right before it made contact with his gitful cheek.


Yeah, even his cheek is gitful, and I don’t even think gitful is a word.


That’s how much of a git he is.


He smirked triumphantly, (and annoyingly) for a spilt second before he kissed me.


And really kissed me again. Like with tongue again.


I, being of course the idiot that I am, kissed him back.


Don’t judge. I’m a teenage girl. I have hormones. I’ll come to my senses and stop this soon.


Senses where are you?




Senses? Come out, come out, wherever you are!





My hands wrapped around his neck, and not in a OMG I’m totally going to murder you right now way, but in a Keep bloody snogging me all night way.


One of his hands was pulling me closer to him, on my waist, and the other was on my arse.


I swear, it was like our faces were glued together in some kind of weird, hateful embrace.


Like I hated him, but then I wanted to snog him at the same time?


I am so messed up in the head.


Honestly, just admit me to St. Mungo’s already.


I can have a nice private room all to myself in the mental ward.




I broke apart from the prat abruptly, and saw the first year standing in awe. He had been there the whole bloody time.




I turned to Weasley, who was smirking, his hair a mess and lips swollen, once again. I slapped him across the face again because, hey, that’s what I do.


“STOP DOING THAT!” He yelled, grasping his cheek. (His gitful one.)


“You will never speak of this. Do you understand me?” I said in a slow, dangerous voice to the first year, poking him with the tip of my wand at his neck.


I’m pretty sure that my eye is twitching.


I’m also pretty sure that he was cowering and shaking.

I am one creepy mofo.


Yes, I said mofo. 


He nodded quickly, and ran away whimpering.


“I thought you only scared away blokes your own age, Blazer.”


I swiveled around to face the tosser that was smirking moronically.


“First of all, you kissed me, you shithole.” I snapped. He opened his mouth to speak, but I jabbed my wand at his neck, which shut him up pretty fast.


“Second of all, if you ever speak of this again, I will guarantee that you will never have children as long as your pathetic life continues.” I said viciously.


“I make no promises, Blazer.” He said, grinning evilly.


“I mean it, Weasley. Not one word.” I growled, clenching my fists tighter around my wand.


“It seemed to me that you kind of enjoyed it. I mean, you did snog me back, didn’t you?”


He winked.


He fucking winked at me.




Instead of doing something totally brave and worthy of my house, like making sure that the bastard could never reproduce, I ran.


I am a disgrace to Gryffindor.


Now as I run away from the bane of my existence, I should probably explain the deal with the bane of my existence.


Well, I hate him. That wasn’t too hard to figure out unless you’re a total dipshit.


But the question is why I hate him.


You see, I’m besties with Weasley’s twin sister, Roxanne, and the tosser thought that I was ‘stealing’ his sister away from him when we were measly, little first years.


So the wanker decided that he hated me.


He bloody tortured me.


He filled up all my shoes with pudding.


Now while pudding may be delicious, it is not exactly something that I want between my toes.


And it wasn’t even good pudding. It was tapioca. Tapioca is for chumps.


He turned all of my clothing yellow.


I don’t like yellow. It reminds me of piss. All I see when I see yellow is urine in a toilet. I looked like pee for weeks until Roxy forced him to change it back.


He put a cat on my face when I was sleeping at night.


First of all, it was a mean cat, and it scratched my face.


Second, cats scare the bloody shit out of me. Evil creatures, I tell you, evil.


And third, I’m fucking allergic to cats. My face broke out into disgusting hives, my eyes became all puffy, and I could barely breath. I was in the stupid Hospital Wing for a week.


When my brothers found out about it, I thought that they would kick his arse for me, but they laughed. They found the situation bloody hilarious.




Now don’t get me wrong I love my brothers, but they can be idiots.


I have two. An older and a younger. Yeah, I know it sucks. Middle child and the only girl? Life really gave me shit luck, didn’t it?


My older brother, Mason, graduated from Hogwarts two years ago, and is two years older than me. He’s not overprotective, per say, but he’s the kind of bloke that would never let anything happen to me.


I’ve always really looked up to him. The man is a genius. Like seriously, he graduated with twelve N.E.W.Ts and as Head Boy. Plus, he wasn’t the loser type that sat around and studied all day. He was probably the most popular Ravenclaw in his year.


Also, he was very ‘hot’ according to all my friends and pretty much the whole entire female population of Hogwarts, but he didn’t flaunt it nor did he shag around with girls. Mason has always been really subdued and respectful around girls.


So basically, he’s pretty much the most perfect person you could ask for.


And I love him. A lot.


Now, Tosh, on the other hand, is sorta kinda the opposite of Mason in most ways.


For instance, Tosh is a total troublemaker.


If he was a complete arsehole, then I’d wonder why he was a Gryffindor rather than Slytherin.


He’s best friends with fellow Gryffies, Al Potter and Scorpius Malfoy, and I was absolutely shocked when I saw what a little badarse ‘innocent’ Al Potter was.


The kid was the mastermind of making all of the professor’s knickers rain from the ceiling during dinner. Let’s just say everybody lost his or her appetite, but the prank was brilliant.


The look on Professor McGonagall’s face when her scarlet, lacy bloomers fell to the floor was priceless.


Anyway, back to Tosh. He’s always had a thing with going against the rules. Never can seem to follow those little buggers.


I think his record was…167 detentions in one year?


Takes skill, in my opinion.


It’s also strange cause he’s the protective one despite he being a year younger than me.


He’s not overly protective though. 


Like he gets mad if one of his friends call me hot, but not enough to go beat the bloke up. Just enough to make them have a nasty bruise.


And unlike Mason, Tosh does fuck around with girls. I’m thoroughly surprised that he hasn’t gotten anybody pregnant nor contracted an STD.


I caught him snogging some chit in the middle of a corridor last week. His hands were up her shirt, and they were in the middle of the bloody corridor! I’m pretty sure that I’m scarred for life.


And when I started screeching at him for it, he looked me, smiled, said, “Hiya sis!” and then went back to snogging the girl.


I dragged him back to the common room by his ear with him screaming, “KIDNAP!” the whole time. I then lectured him for an hour about PDA and having respect for girls.


His response to my brilliant lecture? “Yeah, yeah whatever.” And then I found him two hours later in a different corridor with a different girl.


The kid amazes me. He really does.


You don’t see me in the middle of some corridor snogging some bloke…


Oh shit. I did just do that, didn’t I?


I’m as bad as Tosh.


I’m going to go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days.


That’s how depressed I am right now.


And you know what? I’m worse than Tosh! He’s never snogged his worst enemy! Granted, he doesn’t have a worst enemy because everybody just loves Toshy Blazer so bloody much no matter how many hearts he breaks.


Am I bitter that Tosh is the most popular bloke in the school that isn’t a Wotter even though he can be a jerk?


Just a tad.


I love my baby brother, I do, and I don’t care about popularity, but it just doesn’t seem fair to me that he can be a complete jackarse and girls still want to hook up with him.


I mean, he has a great personality. He’s funny, passionate, and fiercely loyal to those he’s close to, but he needs to start treating people with respect.


I think the only people he’s ever been respectful towards are the Wotter adults. That’s pretty much it.


I think something about his best friend’s dad saving the entire Wizarding World from some evil tosser did the trick.

Yeah, that’s probably it.


Errr…where was I? Right, saying why Weasley and I hate each other.


Well, after he tortured me for…my whole entire bloody life at Hogwarts and outside of it, I started to hate him too.


It’s horrible because I can never seem to get away from him.


At breakfast, he’s there, half asleep and practically snoring into his cereal.


In all of my classes, he’s there, pretending to pay attention, but really he’s daydreaming or making up pranks with James.


At lunch, he’s there, blowing bubbles into his pumpkin juice like the three year old that he is.

At dinner, he’s there, scarfing down his food as if is life depended on it.


Even during Christmas and summer break, he’s there. Granted, I’m at his house because I’d rather be with Roxy than with my jackarse uncle and bitchy aunt, but still. I see him way too often for my liking.


I’d prefer to have his head shoved into a hole so I never have to see his face again.


A muddy hole. With worms.


And then the worms will attack his brain, and continue to eat their way through the rest of his body so he’s nothing more than worm poop by the end of it all.




“Dessie? What are you doing?” Roxy asked, her eyebrows furrowing as she watched me laugh like I was mental, outside the Portrait Hole.


“Thinking about you’re brother getting turned into worm shit.” I grinned.


“Do worms even poop?” She asked, cocking her head to the side, not even bothering to ask why I was thinking about her brother turning into worm feces.


“Of course they poop! They eat, don’t they?”


“I guess, but do they even have mouths?” Roxy asked, curiously.


“Well, yeah-“


Wait. Do worms have mouths?


“At least I think that they do? How else would they eat?”


“Do they just absorb the food through their tummies?”


“Is that even possible?”


“I think so. Isn’t that what plants do with sunlight or something?”


“I don’t think plants even have tummies-“


“Now I see why you two are best friends,” Weasley said coming up behind us, smirking annoyingly. “You’re both total dipshits.” He threw his arm casually around my shoulder.


Except that it wasn’t casual at all.


I froze.


And here’s when the panic attack comes in.


Do not start hyperventilating! I REPEAT! Do not start hyperventilating both in rage and in panic!


Good girl.


Now fight back, dammit!


Roxy raised her eyebrow at me in question as to why I haven’t killed him yet.


Well, she’d be freaking out too if she had just snogged her best friend’s twin brother whom she is supposed to hate!


Oh boy.


I am an awful person.


Not to mention a pathetic one, considering the fact that I still can’t move.


Come on, do something!


Blink! Blink! Success.


Now I’ve managed to closed my eyes and open them.


I’m so bloody amazing.


They should make a movie about my life, they really should.


It will be entitled The Fantastic and a Little Bit Scary Life of Dessie Blazer and her Incredible Ability to Blink.


It’s going to be huge. It won’t even be one of those shit movies that go straight to DVD. This motherfucker is going to the theaters.


“Erm, Des?” Roxy’s voice came, breaking me out of my trance. “You okay?”


“Mmm. I think that I’m going to have Celestina Warbeck play me in a movie about my life.” I told her, glancing up.


She looked highly confused and Weasley looked highly amused.

That rhymed. I should be a poet.


“Isn’t she like ninety years old?” Roxy asked.


“Your point?”


“Well, don’t you think she’s a little bit too wrinkly to be playing a seventeen year old?”


“That’s age discrimination, Roxanne Weasley! I am ashamed of you! You shouldn’t judge others by their age! The elderly are people too!” I exclaimed.


Honestly, people these days.


Old people are the bomb.


They tell some really kickarse stories and they always have candies.


Now some people say that butterscotch suckers taste like poop, but I on the other hand think that they are fantastic and haters should go jump off a bridge.


“Little Blazer has officially gone insane.” Weasley stated, ruffling my hair in a very patronizing way.


And that’s when I remembered that his arm was around my shoulders.


His flipping arm was around my flipping shoulders.


So I did the first thing that came to my mind.


What was that, you ask?


Bite his wrist then run through the Portrait Hole at the speed of light.


Well, more like the speed of a spastic teenage girl, but same difference really.


From behind I heard Weasley yelp in pain and, “Now that’s the Dessie that I know and love,” from Roxanne.


Will she still love me when she finds out that I snogged with her twin brother?


Merlin, I hope so.

A/N: Oh hello! Yes, yes, new story. I couldn’t resist. I love Fred so freaking much, I just had to write a story about him. I got the idea from that new movie, No Strings Attached, but the plot is completely different from that. I hope you like it! Leave a review and let me know what you think. 

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