Chapter 1 : If There's a Rocket, Tie Me to It
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I found a hair the length of yours on my sleeve.
I wound it round and round my finger so tight;
It turned to purple and a pulse formed inside.
And I knew the beat since it matched your own beat;
I still remember it from our chest to chest and feet to feet.
The easy silence then was a sweet relief to this hush,
Of ovens, aeroplanes, and distant car horns.
A fire, a fire, you can only take what you can carry.
A pulse, your pulse, it’s the only thing I can remember.
I break, you don’t, I was always set to self-destruct, though.
The fire, the fire, it cracks and barks like primal music.
I said I knew the beat cos it matched your own beat;
It’s become my engine, my own source of heat.
The sea between us only amplifies the sound waves,
Every hum and echo and crash paints my cave.
I have the ugliest of secrets. It’s about Lily. I don’t want you to ever tell James, to ever tell Harry, but I have to tell someone. I’m sorry.
I’m holding onto this like my heart will stop if I don’t hang onto the last threads of her.
Lily is her. Lily has always been her. The one, that girl, her. She’s the only girl I’ve ever loved, the only woman I ever wanted to marry. Don’t get me wrong, I would never speak to James again if he didn’t go after her, if he didn’t finally get her, if he didn’t fall in love, promise himself to her forever, and have Harry. James and Lily are perfect, but Lily and I, we had something special.
It all happened sixth year. In November. I’m still kind of confused about the whole thing. I feel like I’m dreaming when I remember it because it doesn’t seem right in my head, doesn’t seem like something that Lily would do, something that I would do, to my best friend, no less.
I hate myself a lot of the time when I think about them, when I think that I almost ruined that, that I almost took the greatest thing that ever happened to James away from him.
I think I knew I liked her for a long time, though, mate, like a really long time. I’ve always known she’s beautiful, but I think I finally realized that I loved her in fifth year, and I think it just happened naturally, things just played my way and I took advantage of every single one of them, and, yea, maybe sometimes I’m not so guilty.
I remember the first time I really tried to capture her attention. Do you remember when James volunteered us to help decorate the Great Hall that time, and Lily went outside? Do you also remember that I was out there?
She came wandering out while I was smoking, and I just jumped headfirst. Sometimes now I can’t even stop myself. She’s easily the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on. She’s simply exquisite.
I tried to convince her to go back inside at first, tried to rein myself in, and then I just let go, pulled her into my arms to cure her shivering, to give her my warmth, my love. I told her she smelled like roses, which isn’t a lie. She always smelled like flowers and delicacy. She always smelled pretty. She was intoxicating.
She also tried to convince me to go back inside, tried to rein me in. She mentioned James, played mind tricks me, watched my expression so carefully. I gave it right back to her, and that’s how Lily and I were for most of the time we were together. Teasing, we were always teasing.
We stayed like that for a little longer, just enjoying each other’s presence until she finally decided to bring us back inside, and then, well, Remus, I’m sorry.
I kissed Lily Evans.
I was chivalrous, at least, I promise. I asked her, carefully, delicately, and then we were kissing. And then I acted like a completely head over heels fool and said, “Wow.”
Do you know how serious that is? I’ve never said wow to someone before. I’d never been happier.
And then, after that, it was like we didn’t exist, like that had never happened. But that was October, and, when November finally came, and I’ll never forget November. It was the dreamiest of dreams, the loveliest love.
I slept with her, Remus.
On November 26th, one week before we decided we couldn’t be together. It was mutual. Both of us knew that it was going to happen, and both of us were okay with it. I’m still okay with it to this day. I’d never want to see her without James. She’s so in love with him, and they belong together. But I’ll always hold her in my heart, I’ll always keep her close, to save my sanity and to save my soul.
That’s all it took for me to fall in love and never come out of it. And I let them have their love, the love they so much deserved.
Lily is one of my best friends, Remus, always has been, always will be. And I miss her so much it hurts.
I shouldn’t be here. I broke into your apartment, by the way. I’m sorry. When you get this, it won’t be dated, but know this: they’re already in hiding. Don’t ever tell them. I’m sorry I’ve burdened you with this. It isn’t fair, but it had to be said. Someone has to know. Someone has to understand how amazing she is, how I’ll never live wholly again without her.
Maybe all of this would be different.
Remus sighs, sitting the letter down. He’s known for months. After their death and after Sirius went to Azkaban, he returned to Grimmauld, to see if he could find any clues. Lying on Sirius’ bed was a letter from Lily. It was nearly identical to the one he’d just uncovered hidden behind a photo in a frame of the five of them, though Lily’s was far more descriptive. She’d actually written out the scenes, told him every little detail.
It’s been five months since their death, and it still hurts him everytime he sees Lily’s handwriting, confessing her deepest and darkest secret. And now, to witness Sirius doing the same, he knows, with every fiber of his being, that things absolutely would have been different. Sirius would still be here, and he would be alive, in every sense of the word, and James and Lily would be alive and in love, though obviously not with each other. They would be living and they would be loving, the three of them.
And he’s lost his three best friends all because it all seemed too wrong.
Hm. I never really expected that to go this way, but I really do quite like it. But! If you’re wondering, yes, I have written Lily’s letter. I never even really thought I would write Sirius’ letter, but, if you want this more “descriptive” letter, it’s called Shine.
I’ve taken on a stupidly large idea that I’ve dubbed The Snow Patrol Project. This is part five of thirteen.
Some odd amount of months ago, I made my boyfriend a mixtape of only Snow Patrol songs, those only that reminded me of him, and so I’m taking those thirteen songs and turning them into oneshots that feature only three pairings: Harry/Ginny, Draco/Hermione, and Sirius/Lily. Yes. I know. It sounds crazy, and it probably is, but I think I’m going to have a lot of fun with this.
So. If you’re reading this now, look out for the next one: Chasing Cars. It’s a Draco/Hermione. And I hope anyone who reads this goes on to read the other twelve!