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Scorpius Malfoy: Hot or Not? by Crackfic
Chapter 1 : Those Tacky Pearl Gates
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 11

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Scorpius Malfoy had lived a good life.

Well, he had lived a life. Sure, much of his twenty-one years had been spent looking in the mirror, carefully tousling back his glorious mop of blond hair, but he had enjoyed every hour of it. Though his parents' lectures on his spendthrift ways and the tedious years he had been forced to put up with the less attractive plebeians at school had been less pleasant, it had made every precious moment in front of his vanity more enjoyable.

All in all, it was a decidedly unpleasant surprise one fine summer’s day, for Scorpius to step off the sidewalk, pocket mirror in hand, and rather than the traffic stopping for him, a bus running over him and killing him instantly.

"I'm far too attractive to die so young," Scorpius sulked, glaring at the blood and road-dirt that marred his posh polo and the unnatural angle at which his toned body was splayed in on the ground as his spirit wafted to the heavens.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that," boomed a deep, dark velvety voice. Scorpius yelped and if he still had a proper body, he would have jumped. As it was, his spirit merely twitched convulsively. He was now far above the lowly, unattractive earth, enveloped in rosy clouds and faced with gleaming gates of pearl in front of which stood a burly bearded figure, who was surveying Scorpius with a look of–was that actually disgust? Impossible. It must be jealousy.

"Who are you?" asked Scorpius. He did not whimper.

"I am the Gatekeeper," the older man answered.

"So that makes this heaven," Scorpius sneered, his lips curling as he eyed the gates. Terribly tacky, pearl was so dated.

"Are you going to let me in, or what?"

The man stroked his beard for a moment before answering thoughtfully. "Or what, methinks."

"What?" spluttered Scorpius, the sneer slipping off his face.

"Why should I let you into heaven?" the gatekeeper asked reasonably.

"I'm Scorpius Malfoy, duh," said Scorpius Malfoy.

"Yeh, not quite good enough, I'm afraid," the gatekeeper said in a matter-of-fact tone. "What have you really done with your life?"

Scorpius paused. "I've been ridiculously good-looking and fashionable. Obviously."

The gatekeeper must have had something in his eye, because there could be no other explanation for his obvious eye roll.

"That's very nice son, but–" he stopped abruptly, cocking his head to one side. "What? Really? Are you sure–of course, my lord," he mumbled. The gatekeeper turned his beady eyes on Scorpius and glared at him.

"I think you should be booted off to join ye grandfather in hell, but Lord Merlin is merciful," he said grumpily. "And thinks that you should be given a chance to redeem yourself. You may come into heaven–if you are deemed worthy."

Scorpius shrugged. "I don't think that will a problem," he said with confidence dripping off of every syllable.

The gatekeeper smiled malevolently.

"You've heard of Sirius Black, Caradoc Dearborn, Oliver Wood and Teddy Lupin, haven't you?"

Scorpius scowled involuntarily. Ted Lupin had topped Witch Weekly's Hottest Bachelor of the Year three years running, and Scorpius still maintained he had been robbed.

"What you have to do, laddy-buck, is be judged more attractive than at least three of the most gorgeous men and women in history. Even they haven't all made it in here, so rather than dragging them out of their eternal abodes, you'll be going back in the past to be compared against them in their prime. Three votes for you,” the gatekeeper shuddered, “and you can come into heaven."

Scorpius puffed out his chest. "I'll have far more than three votes, Merlin, don’t act bloody surprised if I go three for three." he assured the gatekeeper. “Wait–who exactly is doing this voting?"

"You'll see," promised the gatekeeper.

A high-pitched chorus of disharmonious giggles filled the air.

Scorpius looked over each of his well-sculpted shoulders, but it was only he, the tacky pearl gates, and the burly gatekeeper long overdue for a shave and a facial. He pushed the fan girly giggling from his mind and replaced it with a mental picture of his own glorious profile.

This would certainly be a piece of cake.

Author's Note: And so the question of the ages has been asked. Is Scorpius Malfoy hot or not? Thank you so much for reading! We hope that you enjoyed this chapter and would love to hear what you thought of it. Stay tuned for the next chapter written by GubraithianFire.

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