I had decided against confronting Remus. Honestly, that was the last thing I needed.
Everything had felt so gloomy lately, and rightfully so, but I wasn’t quite ready to be happy again.
Professor Slughorn decided to help me out on that one by giving me a T on our last essay.
I paid good money for that essay.
Which explains the note at the bottom.
Miss DeLestrade- I’ve seen this essay now for three years in a row and I know the student who wrote it has since graduated. Please stick to your own work. Prof. Slughorn.
That is the last time I buy an essay from the Prewett twins.
5th years. Can’t trust the lot of ‘em.
Alice was still at home, with her family, and that left me with Lily quite a lot. However, Lily likes to study.
Remus likes to study.
It was then I realized that I should have been more friendly with the other houses in past years, since my number of friends was dwindling down quite quickly.
I suppose that once upon a time I had been friends with a girl called Martha who was in Hufflepuff. We were partners in Care of Magical Creatures for a little while, and although she was dreadful with the subject, we got on quite well.
And then there was Bethany from Ravenclaw, who used to tutor me in Transfiguration.
Or was that Mitchell Michaels? I think he’s in Ravenclaw. Probably.
My personal favorite former friend though had to be Emmeline Vance. She’s an absolute riot. We were DADA partners in fourth year.
Why did I stop hanging out with her?
Oh right, the whole Sirius Black matter.
She was his girlfriend for a while.
Sitting in the library, tapping my fingers against the wood table, I decided that’s what I was going to do.
This lovely Wednesday evening, I was going to spend finding all my old acquaintances and reconnecting.
“Do you know who Martha Kilpatrick is?” I asked Remus, who was buried in a mountain of essays, some from his friends, and books.
Remus looked up from his work, and I noticed how incredibly pale he looked. “Are you ill?” I asked, frowning.
Please don’t be, we have a potions practical exam tomorrow.
Lord I’m selfish.
Remus blinked a couple of times and yawned. “No, of course not, just tired. And yes, I do. She’s a prefect.”
That crosses dear Martha off my list.
“What about Bethany Bauble?”
“Also a prefect.”
“Can I ask what your sudden fascination with prefects is?” Remus said, putting down his quill finally.
“Nothing. I was just thinking that I don’t really remember any of my old partners from class, that’s all,” I explained.
“Alright then. I’m not going to question it,” Remus said.
“Well, in that case, I guess I’m going to go find Lily,” I said, gathering my bag.
Remus had returned to his homework and didn’t bother correcting me in my pathetic excuse.
I sighed and left the table, off to the common room.
I suppose I was a little bit spaced out when I ran into just the very person I had been searching for.
“I’m sorry!” I exclaimed, looking at my frazzled friend.
Lily shook her head, “It’s fine. I was actually looking for you. Mary told me that Sirius told her that Peter told him that James would like a word.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Come again?”
Lily huffed impatiently. “Potter is looking for you. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know.”
I nodded. “Alright then. See you at dinner, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Lily called over her shoulder, disappearing into the depths of the library.
Off to find James.
And who said this day would be boring?
“You were looking for me?” I asked James, who was completely calm, oddly, and sitting in front of the common room fireplace.
He stood up, with a completely serious expression. “Yeah. We have a problem.”
“Okay, and that problem would be?” I responded, slightly worried.
“Remus wants to break up. With you. Today. Probably after dinner,” James said quickly.
I felt my heart drop. “Why?”
James sat down on the couch. “I dunno. He didn’t say. In fact he didn’t even really say he was going to do it, he just sort of hinted at it.”
Whoa, hold up. I swear to Merlin if Remus doesn’t break up with me tonight I will kill James.
Wait a minute.
“Well what did he say?”
“He said that it was dangerous for him to be in a relationship with his-,” James stopped abruptly.
“His what? Spit it out!” I said.
“Shit, I should not have told you that,” James said nervously, running a hand through his hair. “Remus is going to murder me.”
“Why? Why is he going to murder you? What’s going on?”
“Why am I murdering James?” Remus said from behind me. I turned to him, and then to James.
“Well, James? Why is Remus murdering you?” I asked, frowning.
James backed up slowly and made a run for the boy’s dormitory.
Remus sighed. “I suppose I’ll get him, then.” He set his books on a nearby table and followed James up the stairs.
Honestly, boys are about the most confusing things on the whole fucking planet. James wants to talk to me, then he looks like he’s just taken off a muzzle he was really supposed to keep in place.
I really, really just want an explanation.
I mean, I wasn’t exactly expecting Remus to break up with me. That is, fake break up with me.
It’s like one of those old arithmetic problems in primary school. If a train is going at 20miles per hour in direction B, and then switches to direction A at the last second at 80 miles per hour, where will the train end up?
It wont. Because like my romantic life, this train does not exist.
James and Remus seemed rather tense at dinner that night. They kept fidgeting, and Remus kept giving James this look, like the look Professor McGonagall gives James.
That kind of look.
I cleared my throat. “So, how is everybody?”
James looked up, but didn’t say anything, and Remus mumbled “Fine,” before returning to stare into his goblet.
I hate to admit it, but I wish Sirius and Mary were here.
Take that back, I wish Sirius was here. Mary can go frolic with the unicorns for all I care.
“Lily! Oh thank Merlin! I’ve been trying to talk to two brick walls for the whole evening!” I exclaimed as Lily plopped down next to me.
“Trying to communicate with Potter? Good luck with that one, darling,” Lily happily replied.
James didn’t comment back. Instead he got up from the table and left.
Now let’s put this all together.
James leaving the table while Lily is here: bad sign.
It was then I finally remembered that James said Remus would probably break up with me after dinner.
“Elsa, can I speak with you a minute?” Remus asked.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Er, yes. See you later Lily.”
I followed Remus out into the corridor, where he sat down on the deserted steps.
“Elsa,” he began, “I’m just going to come out and say this, and I dearly hope you will not hate me for it.”
I sat on the edge of the step below him and sighed. “I think I know where this is going.”
“Then you know that I’m, well, I’m a werewolf, then, right?”
Shocked is an understatement.
You may as well have told me that Dumbledore is a woman.
“No. No I did not know that. What!?”
Remus looked like he had been slapped. “That’s not what James told you?”
“No! He said you we’re going to break up with me! You can’t be a werewolf, that’s not even, I just, oh my lord.”
“So he didn’t tell you?”
“No! He didn’t!”
“He didn’t tell you?”
“No, he didn’t! I think we’ve established that, Remus!”
Remus stopped and looked at me. “What?”
“I said ‘you arse’!” I repeated, furious. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
“I-I didn’t think there was any reason to! And you would hate me for it!” Remus said frantically. “I mean, it’s not like this is a real relationship! I don’t have to tell you anything!”
“So I suppose that I’m just supposed to tell you things, tell you my life story, mention my brother has the same condition and then skip around the school holding hands because this isn’t a real relationship?” I yelled, ignoring the fact that my eyes had started to water up. “That’s all this is some stupid, made up romance where we aren’t even speaking like normal people?” I blinked quickly, hoping the tears would go away. “We aren’t even good enough friends for you to tell me that-that-!”
“No,” Remus cut me off quietly. “I think we are friends, it’s just, I’ve never really told anyone directly about it, and you were no exception.”
“Fine,” I said angrily. “But I’m still not happy about this.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, why don’t I just go back in time and fix things. I wont go outside as a six year old, and everything will be fine. Is that better, darling? Or maybe you want me to turn myself into Sirius, because that can be arranged too! In fact, why don’t you just march up to him and ask if we can trade places. Because I can’t bloody stand being with someone, even if it is all some terrible plan, who doesn’t even have enough decency to respect why I keep some secrets secret!” Remus sneered. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk like that. “Is that what you really want?”
“No, that’s not what I meant!” But it was too late, and he had stormed away, leaving me on the steps, really crying.
Just crying for everything.
But mostly crying for myself.
“Elsa? Are you alright?”
I looked up to see the one person I didn’t want to see right now.
“No, I just said some really awful things to Remus that I don’t think I meant. Maybe I did, but, it’s just-!”
The fact that I can’t even make it through a coherent sentence is a little unnerving.
Sirius sat down next to me.
Oh Lord. Please Sirius, just go away. I love you too much for you to be here right now.
“I wouldn’t worry too much. Remus’ll come round eventually. See, he’s a guy that’s willing to forgive. And he’s crazy about you,” Sirius said.
If only he knew that’s why I started crying harder.
“No, you really have no idea what I said to him! I-I was out of line, and if he wants to keep things from me that’s h-his business. I-I should have t-taken the news better,” I concluded, wiping my nose on my sleeve.
Sirius sighed. “I know breaking up is tough, but I have a feeling you’ll get back together in no time.”
“That’s not it. W-Well, I m-mean, I guess we’ve broken up, but he t-told me about his, er, condition, and I-I didn’t t-take it as well as I should have. I-I was m-mad at him for not telling me,” I explained. “I don’t know why. I was just being s-selfish. He’s such a s-sweetheart and I’m such a bitch, it doesn’t even m-make sense!”
“Elsa, if he told you, that’s all that matters, isn’t it? And- wait. He told you? Really?”
I nodded. “He didn’t mean to, it’s kind of a long story. Anyway, I’m tired, I’ll see you tomorrow in class.”
I pulled myself together and stood up to go up to the common room.
“Goodnight, Elsa,” Sirius said from his spot on the stairs.
“Goodnight,” I echoed. “And Sirius? Thank you for l-listening to me ramble.”
Sirius smiled and shrugged. “Anytime.”
I continued back up stairs, feeling worse than ever.
Maybe I’m not in love with Remus, but no one should have their heart broken.
Even if that heart isn’t supposed to be real.
A/N: Sorry about the ridiculous wait. My flashdrive was MIA for a while, so I had to re-write this.