Chapter 7 : Is it real? Is it right?
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“Why?” I whispered. He shrugged. “There has to be a reason”
“Does there?” He stood up and looked down upon me.
“Yes, everything happens for a reason” The way he stared down at me made me feel weak and it was hard to tell whether that’s what he intended or not.
“How can you be so sure about that? We live, we breathe, we cry, we die.”
“We live because two people loved each other enough or had reason to create us, we breathe because that is how we stay alive, we cry because it shows us who we are and we die because we are no longer meant to live.”
“And that justifies everything to you? I thought you were more logical than that”
“When there are questions that you can never find the answers to, it’s better than speculating.”
“And you accept that?”
“What choice do I have? Voldemort killed my parents, what am I meant to believe? Were they meant to die? Was it my fault? Why did he kill them instead of coming after me with them as his prisoners? I need answers yet the only people who can tell me are dead. When my only way of finding the knowledge and being able to comprehend something is taken away from me, I have to find some way of finding closure, I hate not knowing. It’s the same with your goddamn flowers, I spent hours trying to figure out who sent them and why. I even went to the bloody shop! But as to this very minute I still have no answers.”
“I wanted to brighten up your day. I’d never seen someone so broken... Being the heartless soul I am, I had no idea what I could do, I feel like all I’ve done is made it all worse. I’m going to leave now.” His tone was cold, so harsh on my ears; it had become a recurring theme in our conversations. He turned his back on me, the action in itself harsher than any words he could say to me. In the last month or so I’d come to rely on him as a listening ear or just as company for me.
“Draco!” I called out to his retreating figure. He didn’t stop, he didn’t turn around, didn’t even acknowledge my voice calling out his name. My shoulders slumped and I sunk down into the mud on the quidditch pitch. Here I was yet again, cold, alone and crying as the tears began to fall. A crash of thunder, a strike of lightning, it was coincidental that these storms reflected somewhat, the emotions that I was feeling, emotions full of pain, anger and sadness. With a muddy hand, I wiped the tears from my face, how ironic this really was, the one he had so often insulted with the taunt ‘mudblood’ was sitting, crying, in the rain and mud, crying as his misinterpretation of my words repeated over and over in my head, causing more tears to fall. I didn’t have Harry or Ron to comfort me as I cried, like often before and now Draco had left me alone, there was only one person I felt that I could run to, covered in mud, where minimal questions would be asked yet the greatest of advice given.
I’d fallen apart before at times such as the Ron and Lavender... debacle and when Ron ditched Harry and I during our search for You-Know-Who’s Horcruxes but I’d always had someone, mainly Harry, to pick me back up again. But Harry wasn’t here anymore and the only person left was Ginny. I pulled myself up out of the mud, struggling to stand without my legs collapsing underneath me. I tried to find the strength I needed, it had never been this hard before. What did he mean to me? I found myself thinking. I’d grown closer to him ever since the start of the year, we were Head Boy and Girl together, it was almost impossible to think that we wouldn’t get along in any way, no matter how small that civility might have been. As I started walking towards the castle a song popped into my head called ‘Start All Over Again’ by Amy Meredith. Normally I would sing out loud to myself but this time I didn’t have the energy, the lyrics just danced in my head as if on paper.
I felt so caught out of from the wizarding world without Ron and Harry, like I was a stranger to this world. I once had it all figured out and I didn’t want to try for a new beginning but I needed one. It wasn’t exactly a new beginning, rather the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next. It was somewhat saddening how well I could related to these words, written by another yet instilled in my brain from constant love and listening. I’d lost track of the amount of times I’d listened to it when at home trying to figure every single word out and so it all began...
We start all over again, over again
The world is in your eyes
You're scared to let it in...
Was I scared? Yes, yes most definitely. My world had broken down, my rocks, all four of them, had taken a break, either permanently or indefinitely, from my life and I found myself pouring out bits of my soul to Draco bloody Malfoy.
It was all so weird, so very, very weird and I couldn’t figure out in my head why it kept happening. My life really was breaking down and all too fast for neat, organised Hermione Granger to keep under control.
Could I ever have a happy ending? On chapter of my life had ended, another had begun when I had returned to complete me education alone. Our trio divided into them and me, I wrote letter after letter, often getting only minimal responses, surmising that they were ok and alive. I missed them so much, especially Ron, we’d had a rocky relationship from the start, we thought we were in love, caught in the heat of the moment and in the end it all just collapsed. We’d decided we would be better off as friends, our hearts were never fully in it, we’d lost so many people close to us that there had been little time for love after so my grieving.
It just keep repeating, over and over, my memories from the war, Bellatrix’s torture, I’d almost died, I’d never forget it, not even in my dying days, my neck would bear the scar even after my heart had stopped beating. The word ‘mudblood’ as it was etched into my arm, would stay forever hidden under my concealment charm until I was to breathe my final breathe. All this talk of death kept my breath short and my face pale, it scared me. I broke into a run as I hit the castle doors, taking the stairs two or three at a time.
A new start was exactly what I had hoped for this year, I needed it so much, I needed a change for the routine that I’d found myself stuck in after the many memorials and funerals I’d found myself at, acting somewhat robotically by the ninth and tenth. Dumbledore, Moody, Dobby, Tonks, Remus, Fred, Colin, Snape, Scrimgeour, Fred. I even attended Vincent Crabbe’s funeral. Seeing the small number of purebloods who I often itemised with Voldemort, who were not in jail, either because they had been cleared of their charges like Narcissa Malfoy or those who weren’t involved like Blaise Zabini’s mother though people stereotyped her because of her pure blood, was somewhat of a shock. I’d never seen these proud people so broken... Even Draco was crying as he said good bye to a former friend. Theses harsh realities crashed on me in waves when I lost my own parents, I had felt loss before but it had never hit so close to home. Their funeral was definitely hardest, I hadn’t planned on saying goodbye to my parents before my fortieth birthday at the very least. Thoughts about death and dying ran around in my head, like a cat chasing a mouse.
As I reached the castle the rain started getting heavier, lightning flashed and thunder crashed, I ran the last fifty metres to the castle. I was soaked, my hair normally a gleaming hazelnut was a dark muddy brown due to the rain, my clothes stuck to my body and my make up ran. I soldiered on up the stairs, taking them two at a time until I reached the Fat Lady.
“Our Chosen One” I whispered and she smiled and swung open. There Ginny was, sitting on the lounge by the fire, laughing at Jack Sloper who in my opinion was Hogwarts’ worst comedian.
“Ginny? Can I speak to you for a bit?” I said, my voice shaking and I had a feeling it wasn’t because I was cold. She looked at me before turning back to Sloper. “Ginny?” I said her name again and I got no more of a response. “Ginevra Molly Weasley!”
“Yes Hermione Jean Granger?” She replied coldly, sarcasm dripping off every word, I was at a loss to understand why she would speak to me like this.
“I just wanted to speak with you”
“Isn’t that what you are doing now?”
“In private please Gin.”
“Fine. I’ll meet you outside in a minute.” Her tone uninterested and seemed a little annoyed, I was slightly put off but I retreated back out into the corridor. I needed her to understand, I really, really did. I watched her step out of the portrait hole and with two steps she closed the gap between us.
“What’s up with you?” I asked, her cold tone and harsh attitude was starting to sting.
“Me? You have the guts to come up here, demand to speak to me and ask what’s wrong with me! What the fuck is wrong with you is the question we should be asking! Don’t act like you’re the only person here who has it tough! I tried talking with you, trying to cope with everything for a least a month now and every time I come to see you all I get is one word answers or ‘it’s ok Gin I’m fine, I’m dealing with it’. You know, maybe you’re not the only one who feels isolated and trapped here. I’ve never had a year without a brother, without Harry, without you, and it feels like I’ve lost you all in one bloody go. Do you want to know what the worst bit about it all is Hermione? You’re still fucking here. I lost a brother, we both lost friends yet you hole yourself up in that common room, telling me you have homework or you’re not feeling well or you just seem uninterested in conversation and then you come up and want to speak to me when I’m finally starting to adjust. You can’t block me out and then expect me to open my arms up willingly when you want me to help you. I needed you Hermione and you weren’t there, your body was but your brain wasn’t. I needed a shoulder to cry on and you were too busy. Every time I walk into the Great Hall every day, for every meal, I see the bodies that were lying mangled in there-“
“I do too Gin but-“
“No, Hermione, no buts-“
“I fucking know I’m not the only one whose having this tough Ginny! I lost my parents! My parents were murdered by Voldemort, I know how hard this is, I’m trying to adjust as well, just like you. I don’t go a day without wishing Harry and Ron were here. They make me laugh, they make me cry and they are the closest thing to family that I have left.”
“You broke Ron’s heart.”
“Our relationship wasn’t working, we broke it off mutually.”
“It still hurt him”
“It bloody well hurt me too! Is that what all this is about? I was grieving for my own losses so I couldn’t comfort you now you won’t help me? Is this about Ron and I? WE chose to end OUR relationship, the reasons have nothing to do with you.”
“I thought you were my best friend Hermione. Through thick and thin, through thunder, lightning and rain we were always going to be there for each other. Where did we fall apart?”
“I needed time to think, to grieve, to accept what has happened over this past year.”
“And I haven’t?”
“I never said that. We just do it differently”
“Maybe we’re too different Hermione. Maybe this is for the best then.”
With that she turned and walked away from me, a tear slipped down my cheek and so I ran. I ran as fast as I could, ignoring the glares from the portraits as I ran towards the portrait of King Arthur.
“Password?” He wheezed.
“Happiness” I whispered back, laughing hysterically inside at the very irony of it all. Happiness, the one thing I didn’t have any more. I stepped inside and into the common room I shared with Draco. I grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on, a golden candelabra, and threw it across the room, letting out a scream of frustration. I wasn’t normally violent but I was so fed up with everything that it became my release. Anything that I could lift I threw at something else, stomping and yelling as I marched around the common room. I went so far as to kick the solid concrete wall only to cry out in pain. I slapped it, as if trying to hurt it for causing me pain but it helped so very little. I sunk to the ground tears spilling freely out of my eyes, down my face and onto the floor. I felt two arms, strong masculine arms wrap around me and I hammered my fists against his chest. It was Draco, it couldn’t possibly be anyone else, no-one else had access to our dormitory.
“It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair” I sobbed as I started hyperventilating and he held me tighter against his chest.
“Shhh, it’s going to be ok Hermione.”
Anything you recognise from Harry Potter doesn't belong to me and the song is the property of Australian band Amy Meredith, from their song 'Start All Over Again' :D You should check it out seen as it portrays the way I'm trying to show Hermione as feeling really well and the song is just amazing too :)
Sorry for the massive gap in between this and the last chapter, I'm not trying to make up excuses but I was so bogged down in school it was driving me crazy, if it wasn't so important I would have been writing chapters instead :) So now its holidays hopefully my chapters will be better and faster so please leave a review, I want to know what's working, what isn't working and what you like or don't like, constructive criticism though please. Thanks all so much for reading and I'd love to hear from you in a review. :D
Happy New Year!
20/1/11 Formatting Fixed :)
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