Very quickly, it somehow turned into December, Tatiana and James had dated an entire month, and winter holiday had arrived. My parents were off traveling; my sister was off home, with her fiancée, so I was stuck at Hogwarts. I had stayed; so had Sirius and James, and thankfully, Tatiana had not. I was really missing Mary, who had gone home, but Alice and Bianca were quickly turning into my best friends.
Alice had finally started dating Frank; I didn’t see her much anymore. It was really Bianca and I, staring at the two boys, who at the moment were much loathed, who had conflicted our hearts.
We were pretty much half of the Gryffindor students left, the rest were a few girls who were probably in their third year. Bianca and I spent most of our time complaining about our broken hearts, and Bianca told me she fancied Sirius, well a lot, but she’d never date him, knowing she’d only end up with a broken heart in the end. I was still confused as ever about James, I mean yeah I thought (and I now admit it) James was fit, but I seriously only missed his presence, and that he put me on this pedestal. It was selfish reasoning, but I felt empty without it.
“Merlin, Prongs, this is terrifying me. Why do I actually care what she thinks of me?” I was walking down the staircase one morning, but this sounded like some juicy gossip, and I couldn’t risk getting caught.
“Maybe you actually fancy a girl for once, Padfoot,” I leaned over quickly, to see James and Sirius faced towards the fire, so I knew they wouldn’t have seen me. Sirius looked pretty upset.
“I’m so sorry for making fun of you Prongs all those years, Merlin this is horrible.” He sincerely sounded upset. I chuckled at Sirius, he almost never actually fancied a girl.
“Yes now you know how I feel about Lils Padfoot, do you think I like being rejected by her? I mean sure, it was sort of a game for a couple years, because that was the only way she’d talk to me, but it really does hurt Pads. I really fancied her,” I swallowed; he had said liked, not like, that must have meant he really was over me. I didn’t want to hear it. Maybe he only said that because he was with Tatiana.
“Speaking of liked, what’s with that Tatiana girl? And can I be honest with you?” Sirius seemed almost serious, and my jaw dropped, because I’ve never seen him be serious, despite his name.
“We’ve been together for about a month, and she’s a really sweet girl. And what, Padfoot?” James was aggravated, I could tell, Sirius must have been constantly bugging James about her.
“It’s just…I don’t know…I miss Lily.” He mumbled sheepishly, and James gave him a perplexed look. So did I, but James of course, couldn’t see me. Sirius…was the one that missed me?
“I do too, Pads, but c’mon she clearly doesn’t like me, I mean she kissed that Greg bloke.” It was a mistake, and I so wished I could tell him that, but the fact that he saw us kiss, must have meant something right? He was watching me?
“I thought things were finally working out for you two, is all.” Sirius breathed, “And besides I heard she doesn’t even talk to Greg, that it was a pity date.” Darn Sirius, and his damn gossiping. I may have been true, but still, that looked sad on my part.
“I thought so too, but I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m going to keep things as they are with Tatiana, I’m so confused.” He combed through his hair, “It’s time I’ve moved on, Pads, and we both know that. I know that, you know that, Lily knows that.” I wanted to yell at him, scream, that he was completely wrong, but I could say nothing. I don't know if I fancied him yet, but maybe if he pressed me a little harder, I might consider it
“Oh, don’t give me that waffle…if anyone should be confused it’s me. Why won’t Bianca even talk to me?” I almost started to laugh my arse off, Sirius was so melodramatic, it was almost adorable.
“Because she’s probably still mad at her for whatever you pulled when you guys were little.” Leave it to James to know what to say, even when it was obvious.
‘You don’t get it Prongs…I really fancy her, and I don’t like the control she has over me.” Sirius was so melodramatic, and I could instantly see why James would act the way he did, what with Sirius here, acting like he was.
I decided I had heard enough in secret, especially because I wanted to speak with James. So I loudly made my way down the last set of steps. By the time I reached the bottom, James and Sirius were staring at me, and I blushed, wondering if they thought I had heard their entire conversation. I had, but still, I wanted to act innocent.
“Wotcher Lils,” James smiled, a nervous happy smile that made me almost want to smile back.
“James, Sirius,” I nodded; they didn’t question why I had sat down across from them, since there weren’t many of my friends around.
Sirius nearly scowled at me, for ruining his conversation, and he rose out of his seat and climbed up the stairs. It was only James and I now.
“This is boring James,” I sighed, and he looked at me, almost as if he forced himself to.
“We have about two weeks left, Lils,” he had no emotion in his face, and at that moment I would have done anything to see his smile again. It had been terribly awkward ever since I had witnessed James’s snogging session.
“H-hows it going with Tatiana?” I forced out, even though I really didn’t want to know. James looked at me curiously, surprised that I was taking the least bit of interest in his current love affairs.
“It’s okay I suppose…she’s a sweet girl, and I fancy her. You should be happy for me, I’m finally over you.” I tried to force a smile that would not come. I somehow could not be happy for him.
“Are you really?” I snapped, but more in a whisper, and James raised his eyebrows slightly, “Yeah…I suppose I’m happy.” My voice lacked the enthusiasm it should have, but I was too emotionally drained to care.
“What’s that suppose to mean Lily; I thought you’d be happy?”
“I guess I’m not,” I blushed and crossed my arms, barely looking at him.
“You don’t like seeing me happy Lily?” He was joking, partially, but a part of him sounded hurt.
“I don’t know James…what do you want me to tell you?” I accidentally snapped, though I didn’t mean to, “it’s just I would have never expected you to be with a girl…like that.”
“And how exactly is Tatiana?” He seemed to be on the defensive.
“She’s a sweet girl, but she’s not exactly known to take her relationships seriously, I just don’t want you getting hurt.” I did not regret my words, and looked straight at him, while he had a look of disdain.
“And you’re really one to talk? You Lily Evans, the girl who broke my heart one too many times? Giving me advice about who to date?”
That hurt, I couldn’t deny it, especially because he was right, “I’m sorry.” I faltered, and James gave me a confused look.
“I said I’m sorry okay!” I yelled, on the verge of snapping, “I regret the way I treated you all of those years, but I can’t take it back. But now I’m starting to think my notions about you aren’t all that false…you’re so dramatic.”
“Lily, you don’t mean that.” He narrowed his eyes, and now moved on to the couch I was sitting on.
“I think I do James,” I replied, “All you’ve done is cause me pain ever since I started coming to this school, and I’m tired of it. I may not have the right to tell you who to date, but I’m not stupid. Tatiana’s not good for you.”
“Oh then who is? You?” He was suddenly defensive, and did not realize the irony in his words.
“I-I…” I paused, blushing, “That’s not what I meant James!”
“Well I hope you’re happy, because I’m cursed. I want to really like Tatiana, but I can’t. Because of you! But Lily, you should know something, I’ve given up on you, and I’m tired of this game.”
With that he was on his feet, over to his dorm room. I watched with a longing as he climbed up the stairs. His words resonated with me, I hated that he spoke truth, that he was only trying to do what he thought was right. He really was a sweetheart, even though I resented it.
I just stared at the stairs for moments, mulling over my words, and his. How I always blushed at the mention of a relationship, and that the attraction was definitely there, that I had these new feelings for James I could not categorize until now.
I felt like my heart was ripped out, realizing why my heart had hurt so incredibly bad. I had fallen hard for James, I fancied him, and it had been for a while now. Ever since I had almost kissed him. And every night since then, I had been dreaming that we actually kissed. I was no longer confused, but still, I was terrified.
Everyone had been right; I had given in to Potter’s charm. I fancied him, maybe even more.
Write a Review Irrevocable (Unstoppable) : Lily's Eavesdropping Ways, James's Torn Heart