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Déjà Vu by dream_BIG
Chapter 20 : Yoga, Sarcasm and More Broom Closets
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 87

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“Welcome to the mother’s morning yoga session. Please take a moment to breathe deeply. I want you to connect with the baby. You have a life growing inside of you; become one with the life.”


What the bloody hell?


“Dmm.” I moaned, dislodging my face from my pillow. I squinted blearily though the light, and realized, with utmost shock, that Dom was currently sitting in the middle of the floor wearing yoga pants, a lose t-shirt and a sweat band around her head, her pregnant stomach sticking out in front of her. Apollo was massaging her shoulders and wearing a similar getup, acting as though it was perfectly normal for him to be sitting in my dorm room at this hour.




“Take a deep breath and repeat after me, please: Oooooooooooooooooohm.”


“Ooooooooooooooooooohm.” Dom and Apollo droned together, their eyes closed.


Okay, this is either a bizarrely realistic dream, or my best friend and twin brother have gone completely bonkers.


I looked around for the source of the dreamy voice, and noticed, with another jolt of complete shock, that Trelawney was up here as well.


Wearing yoga pants. Leading this mother’s yoga session. In my dorm room. At six a.m.


Holy crap.


“What are you doing?” I croaked, still hanging halfway off of my bed as I attempted to get a better view of the utterly wacky scene in front of me.


“Mother’s yoga.” Dom breathed in a serene voice. “It’s very stimulating for the baby. Would you care to join us? The more positive energy we have, the better.”


I’m sure it’s very stimulating for the baby. However, it is Saturday and I am awake before noon. There is something entirely wrong with that situation, and I intend to fix it as soon as possible.


“I’ll pass.” I said weakly, untangling myself from the covers and attempting to fall back asleep again. As long as I ignored the yoga and continued to focus on my deep breaths and the comfort of my amazing bed, I would fall right back –


“We should sing for the baby!”


Oh, hell no.




“Fred!” I yelled, banging on the door. “Fred, open up!”


I was currently standing in boys dormitory hallway, wearing nothing but an overlarge tee-shirt and shorts, banging on the door for someone to let me the fuck in, god damn it.


After my vicious protests of the idea to sing for the baby (for god’s sake, the poor thing can’t even hear you!), I had been promptly kicked out of my own dormitory by an extremely gleeful Professor Trelawney.


I hate it when karma gets back at me.


“Fre – what are you doing here?!” I yelled in surprise as soon as I caught an eyeful of Ella. Her hair was in complete disarray, her nightgown barely reaching past her butt. She scratched her head, yawned and stretched.


“I left after Trelawney appeared.” Ella said groggily. “Come on in.”


“When did she come?” I asked, letting myself into the war-zone. I yelped as I stepped on somebody’s boxers, springing away from them as though they were contagious. Ella giggled sleepily.


“About five a.m.” She said. “Wouldn’t shut up about the stupid alignment between Saturn and Uranus meaning that she had to help a pregnant person. Finally got sick of her and left.”


“How’d I manage to sleep through that?” I marveled.


“You were muttering in your sleep. Something about rabid pillows.” She jumped onto Jason’s bed, burrowing herself into the circle of his arms. “Night.”


I love how she doesn’t even get worried about the fact that I was dreaming about rabid pillows. Apparently, I’m insane enough to get away with something like that.


This should worry me. Too bad it doesn’t.


I jumped and squeaked as a particularly loud grunt sounded from the bed next to me, and looked in to see that Fred and Alex were also asleep in the same bed. Alex was smiling in her sleep, despite the fact that Freddie was snoring very loudly right in her ear and his arms were wrapped so tightly around her that I found it nothing short of a miracle that she could even breathe.


I peeked on James (shut up, that’s not creepy), and saw that he was all twisted up in his sheets, the only visible parts of him being his mop of crazy black hair and a random foot. I couldn’t help but giggle. He’s so adorable.


I turned around to jump on Apollo’s bed, but –


“ARGH!” I screamed, staggering back a couple of feet. I had come face-to-face with Albus, who was wearing a businesslike and extremely determined expression on his face. “Albus! What are you doing here?!”


“I need your help.” With that, he grabbed my arm and then proceeded to tow me out the door.


“Can’t it wait six more hours?” I asked desperately, craning around to send my longing glance at the bed. “I wanted to get some sleep.”


“No, I’m afraid it can’t,” Al said in a voice that was meant to be apologetic, but wasn’t. He tugged on my arm again, finally leading me out of the dormitory and into his.


Damnit. I knew this day was going to suck.


I looked around at the strangely tidy room as Al closed the door behind us. Scorpius was asleep in his bed, his blonde hair tousled and glinting with a thousand lights from the sun.


“Well?” I asked, turning around to glare at Al. He fidgeted slightly, then blurted out,


“I want you to lock me in a broom cupboard with Noah.”


There was a long silence.




“I. Want. You. To –”


“I got that, Al, there’s no need to talk to me as though I am a small child.” I snapped at him. “I meant ‘are you absolutely insane?’”


Al shrugged, pondering this. “I don’t know. I am a bit desperate, though.”


I ground the palm of my hand into my forehead. Merlin, it’s too early for this. “Elaborate.”


“I heard Noah Finkle was planning to ask her out –”


“Oh, gosh, why? They have the same name!” I said, disgusted.


“ – and she might say yes, I don’t know, but I’m worried that she will–”


“ – ew, if they get married, they’ll be Mr. And Mrs. Noah Finkle –”


“This cannot happen.” We finished in one voice.


Al nodded at me. “Glad to know that we’re on the same page.”


I sighed. “I have a better suggestion, Al. How about you just ask her out?”


He looked at me as though I had gone temporarily crazy. “Are you kidding?! I can’t do that!”


“And why ever not?” I asked in a dry voice.


“Because…because…because she’d say no!” He was sounding a bit frantic now.


“Oh,” I raised an eyebrow. “So, you’re saying that she’d say no…but she’d be completely okay with hooking up with you in a broom cupboard?”


“Well…um…but – I still want you to do it.” Al finally said.


“No.” I said promptly.


“No?” He repeated, crestfallen.


















I smiled at him. “Well, now that that’s out of the way, I’ll be getting some sleep! Night!”


Al’s brow was furrowed in concentration, his green eyes shining with determination. “Yeah.” He said vaguely. I gave him one last worried look before leaving the dorm.


I mean – I did the right thing. Locking Al and Noah in a broom closet will not work. Er…right?




“Oh, god. You have GOT to be shitting me!” Noah said desperately, banging on the door one more time. “A broom closet? REALLY?!”


“Give it up, love, nothing you do will open that door.” Al’s voice said from the darkness. Noah jumped and let out a little shriek of fright.


“Potter?” She asked warily, peering into the shadows.




Wow Al, you’re cool.


“What are you doing in here?” She demanded.


“Oh, you know, this is a favorite pastime of mine, hanging out in abandoned broom cupboards. I call it closet sniffing!” He exclaimed sarcastically.


“Okay, okay, stupid question. No need to get all snarky with me.” Noah rolled her eyes. “Did you see who shoved us in here? I couldn’t even tell – the person was wearing an invisibility cloak or something.”


Al raised his eyebrow. “How many people do you know have an invisibility cloak?”


“Well, you have one –”


“Yes, and I’m definitely the one who shoved you in here and then quickly jumped in myself.” Al cut across.


She glared at him. “I was just thinking out loud, Potter!”


“Right, sorry.” He said quickly. “Sometimes I just can’t help the sarcastic remarks.”


She sighed, but didn’t say anything else on the topic. “Maybe it was James or Lily.”


“It could be,” Al shrugged. “Lily’s weird that way.” He scowled as he remembered his sister. “Bitch,” he added under his breath.


“Or any of your other friends could have locked me in here.” Noah realized. “Ha – it was Artemis.”


His eyebrows shot up despite himself. “How do you know for sure?”


“Because this is just her style. She wants us to get together!” Noah said, in another stroke of brilliance.


“Seriously, why aren’t you in Ravenclaw?” Al asked her in wonderment.


“I’m too nice.” Noah responded vaguely. “This is just like Artemis – she probably saw that Noah Finkle was going to ask me out and wanted you to do it instead…”


“What would you have said to Noah Finkle?” Al asked, suddenly serious.


Her bright eyes turned to him, probing, calculating. “I would have said yes.”


“You like him?” Al’s voice was burning with jealousy, his green eyes bright.


“Not really. I wouldn’t want to be rude.” Noah shrugged. “This is actually really convenient – now I won’t have to run into him.”


“You’ll have to do it eventually.” Al pointed out.


Noah sighed resignedly. “I wish I had a boyfriend or an overprotective brother to stop him from asking me. I really don’t want to have to endure a date with him.”


Al shifted hopefully, knowing that this was his cue to jump in and ask her, “Alright, how opposed are you to an overprotective boyfriend, then?”


Noah looked at him. “I don’t know, that depends on how overprotective he might be.”


Al stepped closer to her. “He’d be pretty damn overprotective. He wants you all for himself.”


Noah grinned slightly as he took another step closer. “Is this a ‘sweet’ kind of overprotective?”


“That depends on what you think about it.” He cupped his hand around her face. “How about it, Noah – give us a chance?


She smiled. “Took you long enough to ask me, you prat.”


Al looked surprised for a moment, and then Noah grabbed his tie, jerked him forward, and kissed him. He pulled back after a couple of moments to rub the back of his neck.


“Must you?” He asked deploringly.


Noah just laughed, pulling on his tie again. Al pushed her back against the wall.


“You know, most people find that really kinky,” He growled in her ear.


“Do you?” She giggled.


He grinned devilishly at her. “Very much.”


They were still snogging when the door burst open, streaming in light…


…and then the scene dissolved.


I opened my eyes and immediately let out a tired groan.


Fuck, I was wrong.


Me and my stupid moral compass, always getting in the way – now guess what I have to do?


That’s right. Get off of my lazy fat arse and somehow fix this.






“Hey, what’s this?”


I let out a squawk of protest and grabbed wildly at the air, but the intruder managed to snap my sheet of parchment away from me despite these actions.




“Operation No Al?” Lily’s brown eyes grew incredulously wide as she read it. She looked at me as though I was completely insane. “You’re trying to get rid of Al?!”


“Don’t be stupid –”


“Sweet! Can I help?!”


I gave her the stink eye, but she merely grinned and dropped down next to me, handing me the parchment. I grabbed it out of her hand with a flourish, giving her a haughty look before folding it up and putting it in my pocket.


“So how goes it, baby Potter?” I asked, stretching my arms above my head and attempting to look nonchalant.


This time it was Lily’s turn to give me the stink-eye. I smirked.


“You’re trying to get Noah and Al together.” She stated flatly. I sighed heavily and dropped my arms down.


“Yeah.” I admitted. Damnit – why do these people always have to find me at my creepiest? I mean, of course I, of all people, would take the time to sit down and write a game plan on how to do something as simple as locking two people in a broom cupboard.


It’s not as if this is something new for me or anything. I’ve already done it once without even a second’s hesitation or doubt, but for some reason, this time it just has to be perfect – I owe that to Al.


Hence the ridiculous list.


“By locking them in a broom cupboard.” Lily continued, still in her flatly incredulous voice.


“Well – yeah.”


“I’m disappointed in you.” Lily said promptly, and I scowled, my jaw dropped in outrage.


Excuse me! What’s that supposed to mean?!”


“Could you get any more uncreative and cliché?!” Lily cried. “I mean, there are a million ways to go about doing this – gimme that list –”


“No!” I yelled loudly, putting my hand over the parchment.


Lily stopped blabbing, looking appalled at my outburst. “No?”


“No.” I said firmly. “It has to be this way. Don’t ask me why – it just has to.”


Lily eyed me suspiciously. “You’re really weird.”


I sighed. “I’m aware.”


Lily looked around discreetly, then beckoned me forward. I looked around as well in bemusement – um. No one’s here – and leaned towards her so that she could whisper in my ear, “Don’t tell anyone, but I’ll help you.”


I leaned back and raised my eyebrows at her, and she grinned and shrugged, acting all impressed with herself.


Because god forbid Lily Potter ever actually – GASP – help one of her brothers with something! That’s just uncalled for! Completely and totally unethical! Imagine actually helping someone in your family! Oh, the horror! SHAME.


The level of sarcasm in that little mental tirade is worrying.


“Wow, Lillers, the selflessness in your actions leave me in awe.” I said sarcastically, and she shrugged again, looking conceitedly abashed.


I swear Mrs. Potter must have done something wrong with her children – they’re mental, all of them.


…actually, now that I think of it, the whole Weasley-Potter-Delacour-Granger-Johnson-(whatever Lucy and Molly’s mom’s last name was) family is completely insane.


I wonder what they must put in their food.




“Hey, Al, could you help me out with something?”


Lily’s face was angelic, her brown eyes wide and sparkling with innocence as she smiled widely at her brother.


I snickered quietly from my place behind the wall as I watched Al sigh in exasperation at his sister. “What, Lily?”


“See,” Lily gulped, looking properly ashamed of herself. “I may have, sort of, left the Marauder’s Map in a broom closet when I was running away from Filch the other day, and –”


“Are. You. STUPID?!” Al yelled at Lily, his face immediately turning bright red in anger.


Lily put her hands on her hips, looking affronted. “Excuse me, but that is not relevant to the topic at hand here –”


“God, Lily, do you ever think?!” Al continued, his green eyes sparking with anger. “Argh! We should never give you any responsibility! You can’t do anything right, for Merlin’s sake –”


“Albus, calm the fuck down!” Lily yelled back. I sighed as I slumped against the wall. Remind me what was going through my head when I decided to involve Lily in these plans?


Oh, that’s right: absolutely nothing.


As per usual.


“You just lost the Marauder’s Map and you’re telling me to calm down?!” Al yelled at her, his voice an octave higher than usual. “Are you kidding me?!”


Lily’s jaw locked. “It’s somewhere in that closet, I think. March.” She used her hands to take his shoulders and turn him around, shoving him towards the closet. He was muttering angrily under his breath, his hands balled up into fists as he walked into the closet. Lily slammed the door shut behind him.


“SUCKER!” She cackled into the crack. “I have the map with me!”




Smiling proudly, she flourished her wand at the door and sang, “Silencio!” Al’s yelling abruptly fell silent to our ears, though I was willing to bet a substantial amount of money that he was continuing to rant at the closed door despite this fact.


I walked out from behind the wall, my head in my hands. “Remind me to never involve you in something like this again.” I said tiredly.


Lily twirled her wand expertly. “Oh, like you could have done any better.”


I raised my eyebrow. “Actually, I’m pretty sure I would have found a better way – one that doesn’t involve Al bugging out and me getting my eardrums injured.”


Lily shrugged. “My way makes life more interesting.”


“Yeah, god forbid that life actually be not-interesting for once.” I muttered.


“Alright,” Lily pulled the invisibility cloak out from her pocket and handed it to me. “Noah’s coming this way, so you better put that on.”


“Right.” I said, taking it from her. “Go hide!”


“No, I think I’ll just stand here looking like an idiot.” Lily snapped, rolling her eyes and cuffing me over the head as she sauntered over to the wall. I stuck my tongue out at her retreating back and swung the cloak over me. As the folds settled around my body, sunlight shimmered through the spot where I was previously standing.


I know I’ve done this jillions of times, but – MAN, THIS IS SO COOL!


Right on cue, Noah turned the corner and continued down the hallway, her brow furrowed and her eyes deep in thought.


It was really too easy. With a simple flick of my wand, Noah went up in the air (letting out a very ungainly shriek in the process), and through the now-open closet door. It slammed shut behind her, and I pulled off the cloak, grinning happily.


Finally, something goes according to plan.


Lily walked out from behind the wall and took the invisibility cloak. “Sweet magic.” She told me, grinning.


“Are you going to stick around?” I asked her.


She shook her head. “No way. I think I’d rather not be eternally scarred, thanks. I’m going to peace out, but lemme know how it goes, kay?”


I nodded. “Will do.”


With a small wave, Lily walked off, and I pressed my ear against the door so that I’d know when to pull it open.


Yeah, I know that this is eavesdropping and extremely stalker-like.


You’ll get over it.


“…kinky, right?”


The words were barely audible, but I put my hand on the handle, counting slowly to twenty so that I could swing it open.


God, this is going to be really traumatizing for me. Maybe I’ll keep my eyes closed when I open it so that I don’t see anything.


But then I’ll look like a freak.


Okay, fine, I always do anyway. But still.


three, two, ONE!


I swung the door open, letting it crash against the stone with a loud, resounding ‘BANG!’ Al and Noah jumped away from each other, their faces flushed.


“Hello, there!” I said brightly, smirking in a self-satisfied manner.


There was a short moment of silence, during which they both continued to gape stupidly at me.


“YOU!” Noah suddenly shrieked. My eyes grew wide, and in the next instant, I was sprinting down the hallway as fast as I could, Noah chasing after me and screaming what seemed like a mix between curse words and various hexes.


Lesson: Never mess with a Longbottom. The more pissed-off, the worse.




Holy Merlin, this child is a psychopath.


hi. i'm hiding behind my textbook right now, in case you were wondering. i already got hit with the volleyball (twice!) in gym today, and then my friend thought it would be fun to hit me repeatedly on the arm to "test my patience". i failed. so i'm already bruised up. please don't throw things at me?

i, i can't even begin to say how sorry i am for this horribly late update. forgive me, please? and i promise that after i post chapter 21, which is obscenely short but had to be that way since it serves as a "turning point" (yeah, i feel pretty cool), i'll post chapter 22 right away. deal? deal!!! please! and thank you! and now i shall go and write my riveting booklet, called "DNA for Dummies". it'll be in bookstores soon. in fact, i'm going to get a 1000008% on the project and consequently become the Beasliest Honors Genetics Student Ever. i'm such a win.

...i'm also slightly insane. today me and my friend laughed for hours at the prospect of being in a hogwart's house called "Gryffindork." also, we reenacted exactly what my life is going to be like when i'm older (house full of dogs named after various characters) and she comes to visit me with her children, who will be extremely afraid of me because i'll be a total creeper.

i have such a bright future.


review, please!!! they make me smile at my computer like a Gryffindork ;)

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