The next morning at breakfast, I notice Sirius take a pill with his pumpkin juice.
“Padfoot, what’s that?” I ask, because although I’ve seen him every day of every year, I’ve never bothered asking him until now. Phew, seventh year sure is changing everything!
“These are my happy pills!” Sirius grins. That makes bloody sense, since my best mate is happy all the time.
Because it’s the first day back to Hogwarts, and the start of a new term, the whole school has classes ‘cept for me and my friends and Lily and her friends. It’s a bit of a coincidence, if you ask me. I eat breakfast and decide to go to the Head’s common room to think up new Quidditch tactics, seeing as I’m captain and all.
I walk into the common room and see my beautiful Lily Flower reading a book on a couch by the fire. Although yesterday I vowed to get over her, that vow vanishes into thin air as I see her gently flip through the pages. I realize this is the first time I’ve been alone with my Lily Flower in the common room.
Lily senses my presence, and her gorgeous eyes travel up the book and stop at me. Suddenly all the sexual tension for the past seven years start building up and she drops her book, because I know she can feel it too.
“Oh, James!” she cries, rushing over to me. We’ve been alone for approximately three minutes now.
“Lily, you called me James,” I whisper, looking deep within her emerald green eyes for answers. However, instead of answers I just find an iris. A beautiful, emerald green iris, that is.
“Kiss me, James!” Lily cries, throwing her morals out the window and throwing herself on top of me. “Kiss me like there’s no tomorrow!”
I feel like my birthday has come early, which is saying something considering the fact that I’m the youngest in our year. Hmm…I wonder what my Mum and Dad will get me for my birthday this year. I want a new broom! Where Lily can hop on and we can ride towards the moonlight!
Oh, right, Lily! Focus at task at hand, Prongsie-poo!
“Lily, I can’t,” I mumble dramatically, using every ounce of restraint I have to push her gorgeous, wonderfully carved body, with curves in all the right places, away. “When I finally get you, I want it to be because you realize you love me and want to marry me and have my children with me… not because of the amount of testosterone I bring into a room.”
My delicate Lily Rose Pedal starts crying and runs out of the common room. Aw, man! I was trying to get her for the long run, but I don’t think it worked. I should have just kissed her for kicks and giggles, I think.
Now insanely depressed and regretting showing my chivalric skills, I leave my Common Room and wander around the corridors. It’s a really good thing that there are no classes for me today at all, or else I would be screwed. Out of nowhere, my best mates appear by my side.
“You handsome men got dates yet?” I ask, still feeling depressed about my own rejection.
Remus lets out a low howl. That’s even more coincidental than Sirius’ bark of laughter, seeing as Remus is a werewolf and all. “Nope,” he weeps. “I’m not good enough for Maddie. And even if I was good enough for her, I still wouldn’t be able to take her to the ball. If I did then feel insanely guilty for throwing my problems on a girl because even though I threw my problems at you and you guys totally accepted me for who I truly am after just two years of getting to know me, I just can’t bring myself to tell a girl who I’ve gotten to know and love for the past seven years.”
Sirius furrows his eyebrows and nods. “Woah, deep man,” he says, patting Moonster, aka Moony, aka Remus on the back. As a side note, I think the nickname Moonster makes Moony look like a bit of a bad ass. Moony, on the other hand, makes him look like a bit of a fruit. I won’t ever tell him that though, because then he’ll insist on having that as his permanent nick name and I don’t want him to have a cooler one than me. So I really only just call him Moonster in my head. Sometimes, when I’m bored I like to call him Mooooonster. That really brings out his lycanthropy qualities, I believe.
Sirius grins. “I haven’t asked anyone to the ball yet, but I can just look at a girl and she’ll swoon over me, seeing as I’m the biggest player this school has ever seen. The only girl I will never ask is that troll girl, Arial!”
By this time, we have reached the Gryffindor common room. Although everyone should be in classes right now, there are a bunch of blokes sitting on the warm couches by the fire. My crew and I go and scare them into a corner.
“It’s nice to be back,” I comment, looking around the Gryffindor common room. I don’t regret leaving, though. Who would regret switching from a measly common room into private headquarters with just one member of the opposite sex? Really, whoever invented a heads of house common room needs to be given a pat on the back.
All the sudden, my wonder Lily Lolly appears at the girl’s staircase. Of course I look at her immediately, but when she calls for attention, all the other people in the room crane their necks around to get a look at her. I notice how there are only boys in the common room right now.
From inside the girls’ dormitories, what I would presume to be the hottest chick I have ever seen, if I was allowed to judge any other girl than my Lovely Lily, emerges. I have no idea who she is, since I’m fairly certain there are only two girls at Hogwarts, both of whom are Lily Flower’s best friends.
The girl walks down the stairs and all the blokes start wolf-whistling at her ‘cept for me and Remus. I don’t whistle at her ‘cuz the only girl I can wolf whistle at is my Lovely Lily, Remus doesn’t wolf whistle because he believes it to be degrading…not to the women, of course, but to wolves. He says wolves don’t wolf whistle, so it’s just a stereotype.
“Attention, my good wizards!” my Lily Flower announces, “I would like to introduce you all to Arial White…the new and improved!”
BOLLOCKS! That hot stuff is the troll!!? No way! She’s so pretty now (not that I’m looking…I only look at my Lily Jily in that way!).
“Arial has gotten a makeover!” Lily Billy cries. “She is now one of the most hottest and popular girls in school!”
My mouth falls open, but I quickly close it ‘cuz my mouth isn’t supposed to fall open for any girl ‘cept my Lily Nugget. I look around the room to see all the blokes boggling their eyes out at her.
I notice my best mate, Sirius, being the bloke whose eyes are boggling out the most.
“Wow, she’s soo hot now!” Sirius mumbles, dumbstruck. “Just look at that ass!”
I gasp. “Ass! When did you become so Americanized?!”
“Sorry,” Sirius apologizes, hanging his head. “I just like to stick in random American vocabulary into my everyday British English at times.”
I nod. That’s very understandable. Arse. Ass. Arse. Ass. Arse. Ass. I do it too, I suppose.
“Just look at her, Prongs!” Sirius sighs all lovey dovey, “She’s so beautiful now! She has curves in all the right places!”
I have to agree with Sirius. I’ve never seen such a perfect 26-36-26 before, which by the way, I only know about, ‘cuz my mum reads Witch Weekly and all. She really does have curves in all the right places (Arial, not my mum, you plank!).
“Ask her to the dance!” I encourage my best mate.
Sirius nods and takes a deep breath. Of course he’s totally in love with her now because inner beauty means absolutely nothing to him (nor to any of us blokes, ‘cept me ‘cuz my Lily Booger is beautiful from the inside and out).
I watch my best mate, aka brotha from anotha motha, aka Paddy, aka Pads, aka Padfoot walk up to the new hottie in town. That troll went from geek to chic!
“Hi there,” Sirius introduces, “My name’s Sirius Black, but you can call me Casanova.”
Apparently, Arial doesn’t mind the fact that Sirius has been a right prick to her the entire time that she was frickin’ ugly, ‘cuz she starts making out – oops, snogging – with him like there’s no tomorrow.
I giggle before turning around to my other best mate, Remus. “Now to fix your problem.”
Remus frowns. “There’s no way my problem can be fixed. There’s just…there’s no way. I’m destined to be alone!”
I lean forward to man-hug my mate, but before I can he runs out the portrait hole crying. Oh dear.
That night, the boyZ and I get ready in my dormitory together for the Masquerade Yule ball. Because I’m just a young, scrumptious chap, I go as Romeo. I’m not sure who Romeo is or anything, seeing as I’m a pureblood and all, but I’ve heard stuff about that bloke around town. His story went something like he and his love couldn’t be together at first, but then they got married. So, it kind of reminds me of my life, which is why I dressed up like him. No one’s told me the end of the story yet though. They say I’m not ready for it.
“Moony, what happens at the end of Romeo and Juliet?”
I hear a squeaky laughter come from somewhere behind me, which causes me to bump my head out of shock on the four poster. Standing next to me is a fat boy with colorless and watery blue eyes. Where’d he come from!?
“Who are you?” I politely inquire.
He giggles nervously and points to his mouse ears. “Can’t you tell by my whiskers and tiny, pointy ears? I’m a rat!”
I shrug and turn back around to admire my six-pack in the mirror when I’m interrupted again.
“How do I look, Prongs?” comes the manly-man voice of my best mate, Sirius, from somewhere to the left of me. I turn around and see him with two dog ears and a tail.
“You’re a dog!” I cry, high-fiving him.
“And I’m a wolf!” Remus cries, pointing to the tail that he’s pinned onto himself.
Now all prettied up, the homeboyZ and I skip down the stairs of the Boys Dormitory and into the head’s common room. I see the girls waiting, all looking very pretty, if I may say so myself. One of these aforementioned girl absolutely takes my breath away.
My Lily Flower is wearing robes of emerald green, which match her own emerald green eyes perfectly. She’s dressed as a princess, which is exactly what she should be dressed as, seeing as she’s practically a princess herself. She sees me and unconsciously bites her lower lip, which sends me into a frenzy.
Sirius walks up to Arial and offers his arm, which she accepts and they walk out of the portrait hole. Moony looks at Maddy, but she just turns away from him all depressed and runs out, Remus closely following behind her.
“Do you have a date?” I ask my Lily Pedal, afraid for her answer.
“Yes, I do, Potter.”
Out of nowhere, a big, masculine blond boy appears. He surveys me with great distaste before glancing at Lily.
“You could do with a bit more make-up,” he comments, before turning around and walking out the portrait hole. My Flower looks at me.
“His name’s Amos, and he’s just dreamy. Although he treats me like something wiped from the bottom of his shoe, he’s ten times’ better than you because he’s not a bullying toe-rag!” and with that, she storms out of the Portrait hole.
Feeling more depressed than even Moony must be feeling right now, I leave the Portrait hole all alone. On the way to the Great Hall, I see a female specimen, by which I’m surprised, seeing as there were only ever three girls at Hogwarts that I knew about. I guess these Hogwarts girls just appear out of nowhere when the times call for it. This new chick seems to be a leggy Ravenclaw Blondie, with curves in all the right places.
“Hey, you,” I call, stopping in front of her. Desperate times call for desperate measures. “You. You get the chance to go to the ball with me. Yeah, James Potter, Quidditch extraordinaire and Hogwarts resident bad boy. You in or you in?”
“Oh, James!” she cries, taking my arm, “I’d absolutely be thrilled!”
So I head on up to the ball with the Ravenclaw Blondie. I suppose I should bother to learn her name by the end of the night. I may ask her in a few hours if I feel like it. But probably not.
We walk into the Great Hall, where all the other students have already gathered. My best mates have saved me a seat at a table, where they’re all sitting with their respective love interests. I notice that even though Remus didn’t go with Maddie, they’re practically a couple for this one Ball, but I’m guessing it’ll just go downhill for them again as soon as the night is over. At the table, a chubby boy with practically colorless hair is also whimpering around. Frankly, he scares me, so I turn to Ravenclaw Blondie.
“Would you like to dance?” I ask.
“Oh, I’d love to!”
‘Cept, I’m ashamed to say I actually have an alternate motive in asking her to dance. You see, my Lily flower is dancing with Diggory just a few feet away. So I’m going to use Leggy Ravenclaw Blondie to get her jealous and make her see what she’s missing out on. It’s an old trick in the book, I suppose. I would have used it a long time ago, had I known that other girls existed at Hogwarts.
I lead her to the dance floor and we find a spot which is coincidently just right next to a certain red head and a certain blond git. I put my arms around Ravenclaw Blondie’s waist, which in retrospective would have been wonderful since she has curves in all the right places, and all. However, I’m too focused on smushing Diggory into a pulp in my mind to pay it much attention.
Over the Ravenclaw Blondie’s head, I see Diggory about to sweep down and give Lily Flower a kiss. This is just too much. I have to step in!
“UNHAND HER, you fiend!” I cry.
Everything and everyone pauses. Folks are staring at me but I’m pleased to say that Lily Rose Pedal is looking at me with admiration. Diggory looks like he’s just eaten a sour lemon.
“You want to run that by me again, Potter?” he spits.
“Yes. I said unhand her! And I called you a fiend!” I repeat, waving my fist in the air. Behind Diggory’s shoulder, I see my best mates getting up from their table, in case I need some help stupefying this git into the next millennium.
“Why, Potter, you little piece of – ”
“Don’t talk to him like that!”
I feel like all my birthdays have just come at once, because Lily Flower has just stood up for me. She’s glaring at Diggory, with a fierce fire in her beautiful eyes.
Diggory looks unbelievably embarrassed and betrayed, though I can’t imagine why. He gives me one last glare before whipping around with his cloak and running away.
This is going perfectly! I scream in my mind, as I watch Diggory’s retreating figure. Now it’s just the matter of wooing my love interest –
Lily Jilly’s looking at me with an expression I can’t place. I step forward and outreach my hand.
“Don’t, Potter!” she cries, putting her hand up to silence me. “First you bully Severus and now you bully Diggory! You’re still a bullying toe-rag!” And with that, she whips around the end of her beautiful dress (because none of the girls ever wear robes) and disappears.
Defeated, I somehow find the strength to leave the ball. It feels like my heart is being ripped into a million tiny pieces and thrown off the Astronomy Tower. There’s only just so much a charming Gryffindor chap like me can take. There’s no hope for me now. I’m walking aimlessly, until I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to see a girl, who has dark messy hair just like me.
“Who you?” I grumble.
“My name is Julie Potter. I’m your twin sister.”
“Sod off,” I mumble, turning around.
“No, no!” she cries. “Really! I was adopted when I was only two but you’re my brother.”
“Why were you adopted?” I ask her suspiciously.
Julie makes a sad face. “Because I’m actually a vampire. I have vampire needs, so I needed to grow up with a special family.”
I nod. “Makes sense enough. How will you help me?”
“I have to tell you something, James!” my twin sister says quickly. “I’m also from the future! I got a time-turner to come tell you this. Peter Pettigrew is a death eater!”
I frown. Peter Pettigrew…
I shrug at my sister. “Sorry, the name doesn’t ring a bell.”
“No, James, he’s that kid who’s always follow–”
Before she has the chance to say another word, a jet of green light comes out of nowhere and hits her. She falls to the ground with a loud thump.
“NO, JULIE!” I yell, bending over her now lifeless body.
Lily comes running out. I’m so stunned and utterly sad about the death of my sister that I don’t even call her Lovely Lily, or Lily Flower, or any of those other nicknames I always use for her.
“Oh, James,” Lily cries, comforting me. It’s a bit sad how the death of a close loved one has caused us to become closer.
“It’s…it’s just…so sad,” I sob, while she tightens her arms around me. I’m not doing this for kicks and giggles, no. I honestly am very sad that my long lost sister has just died.
“You know what this means, right?” Lily whispers. I shake my head numbly.
“It means that we’re all going to become Aurors now!” I give her a bit of a confused expression, ‘cuz I wasn’t even sure that other jobs even existed. Still, Lily continues.
“We’re all going to become Aurors and avenge your sister! All of my best friends and of your best friends! Of course, my best friends will probably all die along the process, causing them to never, ever be mentioned in the future and Sirius and Remus to be eternally sad because they’re so in love with them. But, James, I promise, we’ll avenge your sister!"
And I cry myself to sleep in her arms.
Hey everyone! I’m so sorry for the long wait with this chapter, but I hope you guys enjoyed it all the same. :D I’d also like to apologize to Horcrux, who’s review I replied to around a month ago, where I said I would post the chapter the next day. -_-. That didn’t go out as planned! Sorry, life has just become so busy all the sudden!
Also, suggestions for clichés that you lot want to see