Chapter 1 : don't you let me go, let me go tonight.
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Disclaimer: I own nothing. Chapter title taken from the beautiful song 'Tonight' by Lykke Li.
One time my heart burst. Simple as that that. Burst—exploded—into a million pieces of glitter confetti, shimmering like sunlight glinting off water and falling like rain on a summer's day. The force of my bursting heart was enough to rival that of an earthquake and a tidal wave and the dizzy, swirling sound of your laughter—all packed into one. It was heat and light and sound and believe me, I know this because I was there, I felt it.
My heart confetti melted away the snow and coaxed a thousand flowers out of the ground, fireworks blooming, plump petals unfurling like opening books, like fists letting go. Everybody was so amazed, they clapped and cheered and even gave the day a name: spring.
But you weren’t happy, because my heart was gone. Exploded. And without a heart, I couldn’t live and I couldn’t love you. And I think those things go hand in hand. Living and loving you, I mean. I can’t do one without the other—that is the sad and simple truth.
So. You tried to save it. Save me. You took a handful of that glitter confetti, and you poured it into a tube and gave your invention a name: kaleidoscope.
I smiled and kissed you, but inside, I was breaking. Because you didn’t love me. No. Not at all. You just wanted to be loved.
And, yes, I loved you. But because I loved you, you just couldn't let me go. Simple as that. My heart was leaking out of my chest, glitter confetti everywhere, and you couldn’t let me go. That spring day, kneeling in freezing puddles of melted snow, you tried to put me together again. You tried to fix me.
But, see, here’s the thing: I’m not some shattered vase or broken bone. You can't just put me together again. You can't pick my scattered pieces off the ground and tell me that everything's okay because youloveme, youwantme, youneedme. No. You can’t do that to a person. You just can't.
Also, a kaleidoscope is beautiful, really, but it just isn’t the same as a working heart.
So what can we learn from this?
Well, firstly: whatever the science books tell you—it’s a lie. Spring does not happen because of climatic changes and the earth’s rotation. Spring happens because of glitter confetti and my bursting heart.
Secondly: it takes two people to hold hands, but only one to let go.
Thirdly: you can try and try all you want, but some things just can’t be fixed, and some people just won't be saved.
Here it is:
I will never be as beautiful as a kaleidoscope or a meteor shower or the sound of your laughter. I will never be fully whole again. I will never be good enough for you.
You are frozen in a long dead winter, your frostbitten hands building kaleidoscopes and putting me together and refusing to let go. I am stuck in spring, wilting away while my broken heart grows flowers and February melts into March.
One day, it will snow again.
But until then, please don’t love me.
It is too much of a hassle, and you will only get hurt.