Chapter 16 : Chapter Sixteen
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That night, as if in a dream, Lorcan comes to me. He doesn't come to my room, no, because after the ball we went there together. He doesn't come anywhere but into the deepest recesses of my heart.
After I scrub the very last inch of glitter off my skin and fold away my elegant dress, I crawl under the warm covers. Lorcan is out on the deck, looking at the moon. The door to the patio is open, and in comes the cold night breeze. It makes me shiver despite the covers on top of me.
The fact that Scorpius admitted he loves me scares me. But the fact that I've admitted it to myself scares me the most. The broken world of pretending has shattered, and I would do anything right now to repair it. I'm terrified, more terrified than I have ever been in my entire life, and I know I have to try and do something to repair this damage.
Lorcan comes in from the balcony and closes the doors, the warmth finally seeping into my skin again. He crawls under the covers with me and pulls me close. His face looks sad this close up, his blue eyes receding within the ocean of blue. I touch my hand to his face.
"I miss you sometimes," I say softly. He smiles lightly, a small sad smile.
"I always miss you," he whispers. His eyes twinkle with his words, stars reflected in the ocean.
"Like when?" I press myself closer to him, willing the heat from his body to seep permanently into mine. Everything that is Lorcan is comfort to me. And right now, I need all the comfort I can get.
"Like now." He wills himself closer to me, too, until we can no longer make eye contact. Everything else on us is connected.
"But I'm right here," I say sadly. I breathe deeply, inhaling the scent of everything that is comfort and home to me. Something is mingling with it all tonight. I used Lorcan to make Scorpius fall in love with me. But now... I want to try and reverse the love I feel for Scorpius. It is a dangerous game I am playing; loving Scorpius means so many things, and not just failing to win this tournament. No one would approve of him. I would be shunned for life. It's not fair, really, the love I feel for him at the moment. If I can just love Lorcan, replace Scorpius with him, then everything will be fine….
"I want you closer." The words aren't even a whisper, aren't even a breath. They are the very pounding wishes and hopes of my heart. Throbbing with every longing ever imaginable, I leap into the unknown world and devour the lies I'm now feeding myself.
I kiss him.
The quick movements of our lips are wisps of wind on the horizon. Our breaths are cool and refreshing, and with each kiss I long for more, crave for more. I crave it like I crave oxygen. With each breath I need more, want more, find it impossible to stop. We are pressed closer than we have ever been before, than we probably ever will be in the future, because—
I want Scorpius, not Lorcan. I need to love Lorcan... but can I?
I don't stop kissing him. The freshness of our kisses radiate into the air, as if winds of soothing air is filling the room, causing my skin to tingle and long for more. I run my hand through his hair, softer than silk in my fingers, yet tangled and rough in places. Everything about him reminds me of the air. The freshness of it, the cooling sensation, the endless longing for it…..
And I'm longing for it all. I want his lips, roughly pulling on mine, and they are pulled like a twisting gale of wind. I want the feel of him, and there he is, before me and so amazing I could sing. I want his touch on my bare skin, and I feel it, cool as ice yet as wonderful as fire—
Because fire is what I want.
I roll on top of him. Before I can grasp the situation and its entirety, I pull up Lorcan's shirt over his head, running my hands slowly up and down his soft stomach. He kisses me – everywhere – not just at my lips anymore but everywhere I am. His lips feel cool and soft, quickly landing and then flying upwards again like a bird, landing again as my desire falls from my lips in words of longing beyond imagination.
But fire is what I want.
I am flipped over, now under it all, but I suddenly feel on top of the world. This wind is blowing too fast to stop now. It will take me to the edge, and when I fall (because I will fall; there is absolutely no denying that) it is how I will fall that now consumes me. I am past the point of wondering why and if. I know what I want. I want fire.
Our clothes are torn off. The remaining barriers that blocked our skin from connecting are gone now. There is absolutely nothing stopping us, no stopping us from doing this. I want it. I need it. We are kissing feverishly, our lips connected in endless possibilities, Lorcan and I, all of which have been opened tonight. His lips are so fresh, his eyes are so blue, blue, the last color before nirvana. Because this is the point of no return, and we are climbing, climbing steadily towards the end, and I am—
Lost in this moment. Not lost as in the mysterious hide-and-seek within the confines of the woods, musty and wonderful, but lost as in I don't know who I am. Nothing like this moment has ever happened. Somewhere, deep in the dark shadows of my being, I know that I can't love this boy like I love Scorpius Malfoy. I'm trying to reverse the damage done tonight, but the truth is irreversible: I love Scorpius. And no amount of Lorcan can undo or replace that. Then he is gone. His lips are gone, his warmth is gone, he is gone. His silhouette is silver and gold and so far away in the moonlight. I desire nothing more than to continue kissing his cool breath. But he is gone. He is gone, and I want—
I want Scorpius, and Lorcan knows this. "Rose," he says, his voice trembling as I tremble from the need for him. "You don't want to do this. You don't want this."
"I need you," I cry. I plead, I beg, I ask nothing more than to have him. But he knows what's better. I fall back into the bed sheets, no longer looking at him, and quiver as my mind realizes that I won't get what I want now. "You don't want me," he says. His voice is sad, so sad, the sadness that reminds you of the wailing howl of a dog as it cries to the moon. "You want him."
But he doesn't know what I do: I can't want Scorpius Malfoy, no matter how completely obsessed with him I am. I need to love Lorcan, even if all he's ever been to me is a friend, simply because I can't.
Really sorry for the short chapter! But hey, did any of you see that coming? I know I didn't! And, I know, I can just see the reviews now. "I hate this! I don't want Rose/Lorcan, I want Rose/Scorpius!" But I assure you, if you just ride the waves with me, the final destination will be stunning. I promise.
Please review. They make me smile!
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