Chapter 1 : The Name's Potter. James Potter.
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“Wow, I can’t believe this is our last and final year at Hogwarts!” Sirius Black, also known as Hogwarts resident Playboy cries. “We have got to make it a good one!”
“Yeah!” I agree, man-hugging my best mate and brotha from anotha motha. I glance at my other best mate, Remus Lupin. He grins at me.
“And I can’t believe you’re Head Boy! That’s totally cool!”
“Bloody hell, it is!” I yell, smashing my chest against his. Remus usually doesn’t take part in such childish behavior, but he doesn’t have enough backbone to refuse my affectionate chest-smashing either.
“I can’t wait for the feast!” my last best mate, Peter Pettigrew squeals. This may very well be the last time I mention him in this story. I’m not sure yet. I tend to forget about him because he’s short, has watery blue eyes, and has hair that is practically colorless. He just laughs at everything Paddy says, agrees with everything Moony says and backs up everything I say. But I still love him because I love all my mates!
Oh yes! I forgot to tell you. The three of us, also known as the Marauders, are the most popular blokes in school!
We’re so popular that we have nicknames: Moony, Padfoot and Prongs. I feel like I’m forgetting something but I just can’t remember what. Anyway, the school thinks we just call each other by those nicknames because we’re totally cool, but in reality it’s because Moony (aka Remus) is actually a werewolf. It’s no biggie though, when we found out, my mates and I became animagi so we could go out on adventures with him. It’s illegal, but honestly, what’s fun when there’s no adrenaline rush?
We leave the train and look for carriages, which will take us to Hogwarts. I look around for my lady love, but I can’t find her anywhere. I’ll give an introduction of her when I’m in her presence, because then it’ll be all the more passionate! Right now, I’ll just have to do make do without her presence. Oh, the pain!
“Oh, look at what we got here,” my best mate, Padfoot smirks, jolting me out of my thoughts. I look at his finger, which is pointing to a lone figure two to three miles away. A grin creeps on my face. Perfect.
“Jellylegs Jinx!” I yell, aiming my wand at the greasy-haired fellow. Even though it’s dark and he’s two to three miles away, I can see the figure of Severus Snape, birth named Snivellus, start dancing.
“Hahahaha, mate!” Remus laughs, putting his hand on my shoulder to support himself because he’s just cracking up so hard. “You shouldn’t do that anymore! You’re Head Boy! Hahaha!”
I grin. “Sorry, Moony,” I apologize, but inwardly I’m shaking my head and sticking out my tongue at him. He’s such a goody-two-shoes! “It won’t happen again.”
We get on our carriage and it’s a good thing too, because as soon as we jump on, it starts raining. And I mean, it’s not just a petty little drizzle – it’s full on thundering! Oh, how I would love to see my cutie-canoodole now, all wet and drenched. But alas, she’s still missing in action!
We arrive at Hogwarts and enter the Great Hall. I have to sit through the sorting hat ceremony and it’s dreadful because I’m starving. The last time I ate was a whole one hour ago, after I bought food from the trolley on the Hogwarts Express. I decide I’ll just take anger out at those first years by giving them detentions, since I’m Head Boy therefore have the right to abuse that privilege. As I watch the small, stupid buggers amble and scramble their way to the stool; I notice how they get smaller every year. Soon, they’ll be the size of Nemo and we’ll have to find them.
But then, just as I’m about to fall asleep out of sheer boredom, food appears on the table! My friends and I stuff ourselves with food. Although we’re eating like a bunch of baboons, I can tell that girls are admiring our bodies even from a distance. I’m just that bloody amazing. Now where is my lady-love?
Just as I reach out for the treacle tart, the food from the table disappears. I’m about to cry, but Remus shuts me up because Headmaster Dumbledore stands up to speak. He’s the most amazing wizard of all time!
“Attention students of Hogwarts!” he announces. “This year, the staff has decided that there will be a Yule Ball. Since the last Yule Ball was held hundreds of years ago for the Triwizard Tournament, we have had no fun. So it’s time to break that tradition! There will be a Yule Ball tomorrow!”
All the students start cheering. However, I’m nervous. How will I get the love of my life to go with me when I can’t even find her?!
“It will only be open to sixth and seventh years!” the headmaster continues. The other students groan. A particularly brave fifth year stands up.
“But we’ll have the opportunity to go to one by the time we’re in seventh year, right Professor?” he asks.
Dumbledore laughs. “Of course not! This ball will only happen once and will never happen again!”
At this the older students start cheering more. Yay! We’re such a lucky bunch of young chaps and chappets (aka the female version of a chap)!
“Now, in other announcements,” Dumbledore continues, “I’d like to inform you that your lives may be in grave danger. However, on a more important note, let me introduce the new transfer student, here all the way from America. Please welcome Arial White!”
Out of the Entrance Hall doors, the ugliest girl I have ever seen in my life enters. She has bushy dark brown hair and huge glasses. She’s wearing baggy clothes, which look suspiciously a lot like Hogwarts robes. Padfoot also notices.
“That’s the most ugliest girl I have ever seen in my life! I’ll never take her to the Ball!” he cries. From somewhere next to me, I hear a high-pitched laughter come. I turn around to surprise myself by finding a short boy with watery blue eyes and practically no color in his hair laughing at what Padfoot said.
Dumbledore continues. “Please sit on the stool in order to be sorted, Miss White.” He whips out the Sorting Hat and puts it on the troll’s head.
“GRYFFINDOR!” the hat cries, before it even touches her bushy hair. I can’t blame it, considering the fact that her head is so hideous. She rushes over to our table, ‘cept no one even claps for her ‘cuz she’s so frikkin’ ugly.
Dumbledore continues. “Also, Congratulations to Mr. Potter and Miss Evans for becoming Head Boy and Girl. Will you two kindly see me in my office after this feast is over? Now farewell, Hogwarts!” And with that, he disapparates.
My heart fills me with the sudden fluffiness of a cuddly bunny on a warm summer’s day. Me and Lily Flower in one room! Well, one room along with an ancient wizard, who’s going to ramble on about Head Duties, but that’s okay. I decide I need to let my excitement out.
“Wow, I’m so excited,” I say to Padfoot and Moony. “Me and my Rose Pedal in the same roo –”
“JAMES POTTER, I WILL HEX YOU INTO OBLIVION!”
I grin a grin that’s bigger than my muscles themselves, for that voice can only belong to one person. I may now finally introduce my lovely, love-bug, love interest to you. Lily Evans. The gorgeous, wondrous, Lily Evans. She hates me and wants absolutely nothing to do with me due to the fact that I am the bane of her existence. I have yet to have one civil conversation with her because every time I talk to her, I ask her out, and every time I ask her out, she goes ballistic at me. Despite her anger towards me, I continue to love her with the passion of a thousand suns shining on the Great Hall ceiling!
Lily runs down the Gryffindor table and stops right in front of the chair I am sitting on. Her lovely dark red hair is flying about her in every direction. I just want to cut off some of her hair so I can have Padfoot take a polyjuice potion of her. Wait…I digress.
My Lily Ba-billy frowns at me. Her eyebrows look most scrumptious, the way they’re making a downward curve. I prefer it when they’re curving upwards, though, because that means my lady love is happy.
“You ignorant toe-rag!”
I look at her, mesmerized by her almond green eyes. I hope when I marry and procreate with her, our child inherits those almond green eyes.
“Do you hear me?” she yells, her arms flying around in all directions.
I stare at her luscious lips, yelling at me for who-knows-what, who-cares-what. I only want to know one thing!
“Oh, Evans! I don’t care that you’re yelling at me and hate my very existence, I would just like to know if you would go to the Yule Ball with me?” I ask, flexing my biceps which are the size of Bristol thanks to Quidditch – the best sport ever! It’s totally awesome!
“Potter, you dirty toe-rag!” Lily Flower spits. Oh, how I love it when she gets angry. “You were supposed to be helping me do head duty, but instead you were here, stuffing your face!”
As I keep dazing dreamily into those emerald green eyes of hers, she growls. Growls. It’s the hottest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. “Come with me to his office, at least. NOW!”
Of course, I obey every order she gives me and follow behind her like a love-struck puppy. We exit the Great Hall and head for the Headmasters office. I notice Lily looking confused when we finally reach the gargoyle tapestry. However, because I’m such a trouble-maker, I practically live in Dumbledore’s office, so I know the password. It doesn’t matter that it’s the first day of school or anything ‘cuz Dumbly’s password never changes.
“Lemon Drop,” I say in a deep, masculine voice. The gargoyle magically springs into life and moves aside. Out of the corner of my eye, I can tell that Lily looks impressed. Phase 1 – complete.
“Welcome, children!” Dumbledore greets when we enter his office. “Please make yourselves at home!”
Lily gently perches herself at the edge of a chair, looking nervous. Oh, how sweet my Lily-flower looks when she’s nervous. I, on the other hand, slump onto a chair and plop my feet up on Dumbledore’s desk. Of course, Dumbledore doesn’t mind. The man loves me!
“I have called you here tonight, because as you know, you two are Head Boy and Girl. Because of that, you will be forced to share a Common Room together. That means there will be one common room and two dormitories with a bathroom attached between them. It will be located on the third floor, and the password will be Mrs. Lily Potter. This room will serve as a place for you to live, as well as a buildup/release room for all that romantic tension. Any questions?”
Lily Lovebug looks like she is going to be in rage. “Why, Headmaster!?” she cries, “I can’t stand that prat!”
Dumbledore winks. “I have many mysterious reasons for my many mysterious ways. I like to keep people clueless and guessing about my reasoning, even long after I’m gone.” He then winks and high-fives me, before disapparating into thin air.
Lovely Lily and I leave Dumbledore’s office and walk up a staircase. Here, we see the entrance to our future common room. It is a painting of a lovely couple getting married.
“Say the password, dearest,” I tell my Lady Love.
“James Potter, I will obliviate you! Never will I say the password!” Lily Sunrose cries, waving her hands around like a banshee. A beautiful, wondrous banshee, that is.
“Suit yourself then,” I answer, taking a seat on the ground. Heh, heh, heh, I’ll make her say it! I just don’t realize why she thinks I’m so awful – I’m such a gentleman!
We sit outside the hall for an hour.
“Will you go out with me?”
“No, you toe-rag!”
“How about now?”
“No, you arrogant bullying git!”
“Please, Lily? Be my girl?”
“No, you big-headed boy!”
We sit outside for another hour, where I continue to ask her out. I want to have a conversation with her, ‘cept I’m not sure how to talk to her without asking her out a million times.
“It’s getting chilly,” Lily mumbles.
“You want to cuddle and canoodle?” I offer innocently.
“James Potter you bullying toe-rag! I’d rather cuddle with the giant squid than with you!”
Man, I’m so in love. And I’m so frikkin’ hot. It’s a good thing that nothing happens to my ego when my Lady Love yells at me!
Finally, due to the fact that it’s getting rather late, the weather has become a bit chilly, and my masculine good looks, Lily Lulu gets up and faces the portrait hole.
“Shoot me now,” Lily Flower sighs. “Mrs. Lily Potter.”
My heart melts and I follow the mother of my future children into our new common room. I’m sure it’s grand and all, ‘cept I’m too busy imagining how our house will look like in twenty years when we’re both married with kids to pay much attention to it. Yep, I think we’ll have twelve kids. That way I can start my own Quidditch team!
Not even a minute passes before the Common Room door opens to reveal my two best mates and a guy with watery blue eyes and colorless hair, but whose name I’ve forgotten. I’m not sure how they got the password, but I’m pretty sure it’s due to the fact that we’re all just mentally connected.
“Waddap, my brotha!” I call at Sirius, as he skips over towards me. Between me and him, we have around two and a half brain cells, which is two and a half brain cells more than we have when we’re alone. We make a great team, the pupster and the stag.
Before Sirius has the time to reply, the door opens again. This time Lily Lovely’s best friends enter our common room, having received the password from who-knows-where, who-cares-where. I notice that the ugly troll exchange student has become Lily’s best friend already, even though they just met and all. Lily’s other best friend is Maddie Fisher. Maddie’s a prefect and spends all her time in the library with Remus. Those two nerds! ‘Cept I think Maddie’s hiding a deep dark secret about something. I’m not sure what, but it’s my mission to figure it out ‘cuz Remus is in love with her and all.
The three girls go stand on either side of Lily, crossing their arms. It would be an eye candy sight, if one of those girls just wasn’t so frikkin’ ugly. I think if all three of those girls were hanging from a cliff and I only had thirty seconds to save them, the first thing I would do is push that troll off the cliff. That way, I’d be able to concentrate on the task at hand, instead of wondering how one girl could take all the ugliness in the world. Then I’d save my Lily bear and she’d kiss me for being her Quidditch player in shining gear. Then I’d suppose I’d save Maddie, seeing as Moony’s in love with her and it would be the gentlemanly thing for me to do. Maybe if the task was completed and my Lily Flower was in safe hands (aka, my arms) I might feel nice and accio the troll back up the cliff. Okay, digression.
Anyway, those girls are still standing behind my Lilly Billy with their arms crossed. I wish I could take one of their places ‘cept I wouldn’t be looking straight ahead then, if you know what I mean. After ten seconds of picture perfect posing (minus the troll), they finally talk.
“We’re the Marauderettes!”
And with that, they bounce up the stairs and into my wonderful Lily Flower’s dormitory.
I turn around to my homeboyZ. “Marauders! Assemble!”
We skip up to my dormitory. Although I’m the only bloke that lives in this huge room, three beds magically appear out of absolutely nowhere for my mates. Gotta’ love those little buggers, also known as house elves, for always being on top of everything.
“What ‘chu been up to, mate?” I ask Sirius. Sirius is always the first one I ask, seeing as he’s my best mate and all.
Sirius lets out a bark-like laughter. It’s a bit ironic, since his animagus is a dog and all. “Oh, the usual,” he winks, “Just snogging in the broom cupboard like I do 24/7.” It’s true; he eats, sleeps, and lives in that broom cupboard. “I was with that Ravenclaw blondie whose name I don’t even know,” Sirius continues. “But now, Lily’s best friend, Arial, won’t even talk to me. I don’t know what I did wrong! I think she thinks she has a chance with me! Psh, as if, she’s looks like a bloody troll!”
I high-five him. That boy has so much game in him. I would like to inform you that I have game in me too, ‘cept I’m already in love with the lovely Lily Evans, so all that game pretty much goes to waste.
“What about you, Remus?” I ask, turning towards my other friend.
Remus shakes his head, looking like a sad puppy. “Just depressed like usual. I’m so in love with Lily’s other best friend, Maddie, but I just can’t get with her because of my furry little problem.”
I nod, feeling his pain. I don’t even bother asking what my last mate is up to, because 1.) I don’t remember his name and 2) Lily only has two best friends and I’m not sure whether or not other girls even exist at Hogwarts.
Anyway, it’s time to get down to business. I clear my throat very loudly.
“We are here to discuss Operation: Get Red – aka Lily flower, aka the love of my life, aka my lady love, aka the-girl-with-the-emerald-green-eyes, aka my future wife, aka the future carrier of my spawn, aka the future Potter Quidditch Team manager, aka my LOVE – to Fall in Love with James Potter – aka the hazel-eyed charmer, aka the best Quidditch player Hogwarts has ever seen, aka Prongsie Poo, aka the most popular bloke in school along with Padfoot, aka a member of the famous Marauders, aka the biggest Casanova after Padfoot, if it wasn’t for the fact that he will only even touch the love of his life Lily Evans! Despite the fact that I just said all that, I didn’t even run out of breath once!
“Alright, Prongs, let’s think of a plan for you,” Remus says, whipping out a scroll of parchment, a quill and an inkbottle from inside his robes.
From somewhere behind me, I hear a squeaky voice agree with Moony.
“Yup!” Padfoot concedes. “Let’s Brainstorm!”
I furrow my eyebrows. Then my face lights up with an idea!
“How about a rousing game of truth and dare!?” I suggest. “Where one of you dares me to kiss the lovely Miss Evans.”
Remus grumbles, “It’ll be too hard to get her to agree by tomorrow, mate.”
Sirius then glows with an idea. “How about you get badly injured in a Quidditch game, Prongs, and then Evans will run to the hospital wing. While you’re laying unconscious, she’ll declare her undying love for you!”
I’m about to high-five Padfoot for the idea, but Moony just has to go and ruin this one too.
“The masquerade ball is tomorrow, Pads! Prongsie needs to get Lils before that! Right, Wormy?”
“Right!” I hear a squeaky little voice agree from somewhere.
“How about we have a wild party in the Room of Requirement where there’s a whole bunch of firewhiskey involved and everyone who’s anyone is invited but no one will ever get caught?” I offer.
Remus shakes his head. “It’s late already; most of the school has gone to bed.”
Padfoot sighs. “Those are all of my original ideas. I can’t think of anything else.”
I sigh too, and a single, yet incredibly graceful, tear rolls down my check as I finally accept defeat.
This is the saddest night of my life.
Hey, everyone! First things first, THANK YOU to my WONDERFUL beta, Aether, who did an absolutely amazing job editing this chapter! I'd also like to thank White on TDA for the amazing banner! And of course, THANK YOU guys for reading! If this chapter made you laugh even a little, I'd love it if you could leave a review! :D
Thanks again! :D