Chapter 1 : Superior In Every Way
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Today is a day that will be looked back on in years to come as the beginning of the end for every witch presently attending Hogwarts. This is a day that Father thought would never come, convincing my mother that my "preferences lie elsewhere". Today is the day that I, Gilderoy M. Lockhart, am officially taking myself off the market.
Lightening bolt! You have finally struck me!
I have fallen in love.
(With a girl, thank you very much Father.)
I can almost hear the breaking of the hearts, the sound of hundreds of girls crying themselves to sleep for endless nights at the news that I am a one-woman man. It pains me to do this to them, it truly does. And of course it will be difficult for me to finally settle down after years of gallivanting and juggling three or four different girls all at once.
There could only ever be one in the end, and I have made my choice. Perhaps that should be my opening line: “You are my chosen one. Let us copulate.” Women appreciate a man who is forward, especially the women at this school. I find that girls are so intimidated by my boyish charms and rugged good looks that they do not have the courage to speak to me first. I am constantly having to approach them, and more often than not they are so overwhelmed by my beauty and charisma that they must run away to compose themselves.
Bless them. Such frail creatures, women.
I decide to announce the news of my newfound love to my good friend, Morris. Such a loyal fellow; he’s in Gryffindor, just like my love. However, he is only a fifth year, and I a sixth, and she a seventh, so he and she do not run in the same circles. In fact, Morris runs in no circles at all. I fear I am his only friend, the poor chap. I took him under my wing when he was just a mere big-nosed first year; Merlin knows with a face like his he wasn’t going to get anywhere by himself.
Ah such an odd couple we are!
“Morris, I have chosen a wife,” I announce.
Just the two of us in this Hogwarts Express compartment; I find I can tell Morris anything and he’ll keep it under his hat, for he has no other friends to tell my business to anyway. As always, Morris’s head is buried deep in some retched dusty schoolbook, which is probably for the best. Teenagers can be so cruel, and if his head weren’t buried in a book, some awful Slytherins would have it buried in a toilet for being so ruddy unattractive. I suppose not everyone can be beautiful.
“Who?” Morris asks me, not looking up from his book. Concerned with his OWLs already I expect. He has a lot of work to do if he wants to live up to my legacy of ten O’s. We Ravenclaws are naturally much brighter than Gryffindors.
“An older woman,” I admit. “Such a beauty I have never seen; I can’t believe I’ve never noticed her before! Obviously I’ve seen her before, how could I not? But only today – in fact, only in these last ten minutes – have I truly noticed her. Are you following?”
“You like Lily Evans,” Morris shrugs, nose still buried in that forsaken textbook! How can he take my being in love so lightly?
“Not like, Morris! I like scones and I like kittens! I love her!”
Morris finally looks at me through those thick spectacles that I insist he should not wear and raises his eyebrows. “Is it because she’s the new Head Girl?”
I will admit, her being made Head Girl was a major factor in my noticing her. She holds such an esteemed position in the school – she is quite literally the pick of the litter. She is wandering the corridor of the train, making sure all is in order, asserting her power and her fame. Everybody in the school looks up to her now. Everybody in the school knows the name ‘Lily Evans’.
I must have her.
“Of course not!” I spit. “Lily is beautiful and witty and clever and exactly the kind of woman I’ve always planned on marrying!”
Everybody would see us as the Golden Couple of Hogwarts. Everybody would know who we are. Everybody would want to be my friend. We would be Gilderoy-and-Lily, Lily-and-Gilderoy. She would doodle ‘Mrs Lily Lockhart’ on all of her books, and we would get matching necklaces, mine reading ‘True’, and hers ‘Love’.
“So Morris my dear friend, as from today, you may be seeing much less of me.”
“You’re going to tell her?”
Ah Morris, so naive. The thought of telling a woman she was beautiful, never mind that you would like to marry and procreate with her, would cause him to wet his proverbial pants! Or perhaps not so proverbial.
“Of course I’m going to tell her! I’m quite sure she feels the same anyway, she’s just waiting for me to make the first move. I imagine she’s quite a traditional soul like that.”
I do feel rather awful talking about my love life in front of Morris. I’m sure the only woman who’s ever loved him, and who ever will love him, is his mother.
“That’s brave of you, Gilderoy,” Morris tells me.
“Perhaps I should have been the Gryffindor!” I laugh. It is not often that the good Lord blesses someone with beauty, brains and wit. I don’t mean to be boastful in any way, but I am sort of a miracle if you think about it.
Morris trails off mid-sentence and returns once again to his book. This irks me.
“Just what? Do spit it out, Morris!”
He scratches his forehead uncomfortably, as he tends to do when nervous. It makes him appear simple, I wish he would desist. And touching his already acne-prone skin isn’t exactly going to help the condition.
“Well, Lily doesn’t really go out with blokes often,” Morris tells me, as if I didn’t know already. “She hung around with that Severus Snape for years, and now she’s good friends with Sirius Black and all of those seventh year Gryffindors.”
“What’s your point?”
Scratch, scratch, scratch on that damn forehead.
“My point is that James Potter claims to be in love with her too, and she’s turned him down. What makes you think she won’t turn you down too?”
“Because, Morris, I am superior to James Potter in every way!” I snap. I do hate to brag, but is it considered bragging if you’re just telling the truth? “I am smarter than him – I got 10 O’s in my OWLs! And I am far more handsome, and I am funnier too! Everyone thinks so!”
“He’s Quidditch Captain and Head Boy,” Morris points out.
“Lily clearly does not care for titles considering she’s turned him down! James Potter will never stand a chance with Lily Evans, you mark my words!”
Morris nods meekly.
I do not speak to him for the remainder of the journey.
Merlin, she truly is beautiful. Dumbledore announces her position as Head Girl to the entire Great Hall, and I can see her glowing – glowing. And then he announces that James Potter, that complete tool, is Head Boy, and I can tell the only reason people are even clapping is because they feel sorry for him. Everybody knows he’s rather simple.
I watch her the entire way through the Start-of-Term Feast, chatting to her friends, saying the odd word here and there to Potter and his friends. I suppose it’s all political, really. The Head Girl must be seen conversing civilly with the Head Boy. I’m sure she hates him quite as much as everybody else does.
As Morris is currently seated at the Gryffindor table, I decide to voice my thoughts to the girl sitting on my right. I have no idea what her name is.
“You there!” I begin. “Don’t you think James Potter is rather hideous?”
She looks startled that I have begun conversing with her. I suppose the poor girl is overwhelmed; I do hope she doesn’t think I’m leading her on.
Hmm, she has a rather common accent. Perhaps I should stop talking to her.
I turn to the fellow on my left.
“Excuse me, but would you agree that James Potter is the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen?”
I think this chap is a seventh year. I think he may be on our Quidditch team.
“Don’t talk to me.”
He turns away to face his friends, who are all laughing. How terribly rude.
I sit quietly for the remainder of the meal, a plan quickly forming in my head to destroy each and every one of these jealous idiots one day. When I am rich and powerful, when Lily Evans is my wife, when I have everything my heart desires, and when these boys are living in a cardboard box on Diagon Alley, we’ll see who’ll be laughing.
A/N: I know, another WIP! This is being written for Elesphyl's 'Write-About-Prettyful-Dudes Challenge' at TGS. The next chapter and the few after that will be more eventful, and hopefully funnier than this one! I hope you liked it, I appreciate all feedback!