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All Hail Shenanigans by marissa lily potter
Chapter 2 : Family Feud
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 6

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Image Credit: tina/loves @ TDA
Image Credit: tina.loves @ TDA

So, my master plan didn’t exactly go as planned. Hey, we all mistakes now don’t we? Okay James Potter didn’t usually fail but I guess I can’t be perfect either. That did not mean that I was going to just let my parents and my siblings get away with trashing my ego. Here’s the deal, egos are important to all guys but mine is like my best friend. Nice simile there eh? Eww... Lily is getting to me with her dumb poetic ways. She just better not rub that romance crap on me. I don’t think I could stand that.

Gah, even thinking about it is giving me shivers. My family is going to pay for what they did to me yesterday. If they were looking out for something well, they wouldn’t see anything coming. I had tons of ideas just swarming around in my head for me to use. It was like they were calling out to me:

“James, use me, use me!”

“No. Why don’t you use me James?”

“Hey, I asked first, it’s me who he wants to use!”

Really, I needed to stop using those Patented Daydream Charms from Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes. They were making my already overactive imagination even more overactive. My thoughts were ruined by my Cousin Rose’s shrieks though. Did I mention that she, Hugo, Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione were going to be my victims now too? It’s not my fault they decided to join us today out of all days. When I say everyone in my house is going to be on the receiving end of my prank, I mean everyone.

“Albus, give it back!”

“Haha, make me!”

“If you don’t give me my book back, I’m going to tell everyone about the time in first year when you were stuck in the girl’s toilet because there was no toilet paper and I had to come to your rescue,” she said simply.

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Try me.”

“But Rosie, you promised to keep that a secret,” he whined.

Well this was news to me. Usually I’d have been bothered by the loudness of their voices but really that would never change because a) we were a loud family and b) because apparently being loud got you attention. Psht, attention seekers! I could definitely use this as blackmail against Al especially since he had been such a prick yesterday. I decided to make an appearance. Did they really forget I was still here? Wow, I feel loved.

“Well, well, well. Albus Potter got stuck in a girl’s bathroom. How come you never told anyone that story,” I said putting an emphasis on the “that.” “Did you not know the difference between male and female at age 11 or were you walking blind? Wait, don’t tell me you’ve decided to have a gender transplant and thought you’d take a look onto the “other” side?” I said grinning. “Hello Rose,” I added acknowledging her.

“Hi James,” she said meekly. From the sound of her voice, she knew that Albus was going to be mad at her.

Making Albus mad was one of my specialties. First of all it came naturally and secondly, it was just plain fun. Albus was my younger brother and by only a year so that made us really close in age. That being said, we liked to pick on each other more than ever. I was the older brother; I was supposed to do the picking. I would never admit this in public but I loved Al and so picking on him was the only way to show that. I wasn’t going to be a poof and hug him or shit like that. No, that wasn’t what guys did unless it was a real sad situation. Luckily, none of those have happened in my life. Apparently, dad’s generation has gone through tons of that.

“SHUT! UP,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Al,” I said putting on a fake serious face. God, this was fun! “The best thing for you to do is embrace your problem. Personally, I never thought you’d become a Trans but I guess if that’s what you want to do, you’ve got to do it.”

Albus turned to Rose and glared at her with a flushed face. Her face suddenly turned red. Poor Rosie; I did feel a little bit bad for bringing her into this but I was offered bait and I took it.

“You shut up right now or I’ll - !” he said jabbing me in the chest with his finger.

I backed away a little just to give him some credit but then responded with a “Or you’ll what? You’ve got nothing on me!”

Albus thought about this for a moment. I had absolutely no clue if he had anything on me or not. I was totally bluffing but I was extremely good at that. Nobody could tell the difference between me telling the truth or a lie. It was usually the latter. The only time, they could tell I was lying was if it was really obvious.

Albus didn’t seem to think of anything I had done, that either he or our parents knew about. I wasn’t such a master of secrets when it came to pranking. I usually did want to people to know about my work unless of course I was going to get detention (in Hogwarts). I didn’t mind getting grounded. I don’t think mom and dad know much about groundings since dad said he always grew up grounded and wanted to give his kids a better life than he had and mum had never been grounded in her life. Lucky woman eh? But grandma Weasley is nice so I understand that.

“Say, let’s go tell mum and dad about your problem. I’m sure they’ll love to hear about it. Of course, they’ll have to be supportive but I’m not so sure what the rest of the family will say. Aunt Hermione’s likely to get you a psychiatrist but that’s probably the nicest thing anyone will do for you once they hear about your future,” I said grinning.

I could see the muscles in Albus’ temples twitching. It actually was a funny sight. His head bulging on the sides; I had to force myself not to laugh otherwise it wouldn’t have the desired effect.

Albus suddenly lunged at me forcing Rose to let out a little scream. That would tell the entire family about Albus and I tackling each other on the ground.

“Ah, get your butt out of my face!” I yelled at him.

“Get your foot out of my hair!” he yelled back me.

Soon enough, the entire house was up on the second landing. Damn family had to be so curious.

“Oi!” Dad shouted, grabbing a hold of me. Someone pulled Albus off me and I realized it was Uncle Ron.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Dad said holding a hand up. I looked towards mum. She was livid. Uh, hopefully she would be just as considerate as dad if not more though that was probably too much to ask for.

“James, you’re already grounded so you apologize to your brother first. Albus, you’re grounded until school starts.”

Yeah mom wasn’t going to be considerate about this. She was lenient but not THAT lenient. I turned around grudgingly and said “sorry.” Albus had to be nudged by Rose to say anything. See how I’m the bigger person? And I still almost always get into more trouble than Albus. Right now, mum made me apologize. What kind of logic was she using? If I was already grounded wouldn’t that mean Albus would have to apologize first!

I saw Lily and Hugo make their way downstairs first. From what I heard Hugo say they were playing in the tree house we have in our backyard. Mum and Aunt Hermione made their way downstairs. Apparently they were going to have tea. Uncle Ron, pushed dad until he moved. They of course were discussing Quidditch. Honestly? Could they forget about this that easily? Wow, my family was bipolar. What was the point of getting mad at me if they were going to forget about it? Usually Al and I solved our own problems. Huh. At least Albus got grounded.

I turned around to face him grinning. He scowled at me and showed me the middle finger before stalking off.

“When did you become so vicious Albus?” I asked jokingly poking my head down the railing. Albus was already at the bottom pulling Rose with him. I wonder how they’re “confrontation” is going to go.

If my family can forget about this all too easily, then I can to. I just needed to wait for supper to begin and then I was going to let hell loose. I walked downstairs not knowing what I could do to pass the time until supper. I still had another good two hours left. I settled on bugging the grownups. Ohhh... my way of getting back at everyone was starting to come to me and I was more than happy to oblige to that little voice in my head that was telling me to do just so.

I had a new bounce to my step as I made my way downstairs.

“Good afternoon, mother, father, uncle, aunt,” I said nodding my head in each of their directions. Mum and Aunt Hermione who were sitting on our breakfast table gave turned to look around at each other to see if they were hallucinating or something. Dad and Uncle Ron who were sitting in the living room which was open and connected to the kitchen had a “wtf?” face on. I liked the effect that those simple words had on them.

They probably thought I had gone mental or something. Nobody used “mother” or “father” unless they were addressing someone formally and my family didn’t know the meaning of formal. No, seriously. At Teddy and Victoire’s wedding Uncle George showed up in his work uniform. The bright red, orange and yellow coloured robes that they have at Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes. He even had his name tag on. Uncle Ron had Aunt Hermione to help him be formal yet he still managed to show up with his dress robed inside out. Grandpa Weasley who is near deaf was shouting throughout the entire ceremony. He wanted the priest to talk louder. And he was sitting in the front row. It was a funny sight. Dad ended up spilling firewhiskey all over his dress robes and he and mum had a row in the middle of dancing. It was all so childish but humorous nonetheless.

Oh and don’t get me started on Alfie Longbottom. He’s Uncle Neville’s son. I mean they’re not exactly family but close family friends so I have to refer to him as Uncle and his wife, Aunt. Alfie Longbottom is in my year and he showed up with motorbike boots, a leather jacket, leather pants and a beanie. I’m not even joking. Nobody even bothered to ask questions about us because there was nothing to ask. We’re just eccentric and that’s how everyone deal with us.

“Uh, good afternoon to you too James,” my dad managed to say.

“What have you been up to mister? How come you’re so chipper all of a sudden? I just made you apologize to Albus,” mum said squinting at me. Why does she always have to be suspicious? I mean I’m not always up to something.

“Nothing, dear mother,” I said with a fake smile on my face. I was trying my hardest not to laugh and it wasn’t going so well. My face probably looked distorted right now.

“James, I just don’t want to know okay? Just stay out of trouble. I don’t want to be investigating you at work,” dad said with a shudder.

“Yeah kid, how would it look if we had to bring in family and not for the right reason,” said Uncle Ron. I’m pretty sure he was joking but I couldn’t exactly tell. I decided to get onto a touchy topic and fast! I wasn’t going to stall any longer. Mum would always be suspicious of me no matter what.

“So ladies,” I said turning on my mum and Aunt. It was weird addressing them as ladies but it was funny too. “Let’s discuss relationships and not those two men over there,” I said waving my arm back to point at dad and Uncle Ron. “I mean obviously two pretty women like you were pretty at a young age. So, how many boyfriends did you have in Hogwarts? Oh mum didn’t you go out with like 50? And Aunt Hermione, who’s that McLaggen fellow? His kid is in Albus’ year and Uncle Ron really seems to hate him. I once overheard him saying something about you and Cormac snogging. Is it true?” I asked with fake interest.

Mum and Aunt Hermione both turned red. Ooh, this was a touchy topic.

“I did NOT have 50 boyfriends. James, can’t you be like normal children and ask normal questions?”

“Hey now, being a wizard takes normal out of my vocabulary completely and I’ve got Alfie Longbottom as a friend. You can’t call that normal,” I said matter-of-factly.

Don’t get me wrong; Alfie is an awesome guy who is fun to hang out with but he’s far from normal. I can’t be friends with him and still be normal so that was out of the question a long time ago. Sheesh, what do these people not get? Do they still not know me? Aunt Hermione finally got what I said through completely and started off on a rant with a shrilled voice. Do all women have shrilly voices when they’re mad? I think so.

“Ronald Billius Weasley! You go around spying on me through Hogwarts, spreading rumours about me and Cormac? I NEVER snogged him. Where the hell did you get that idea from? AND to say it in front of kids! Especially your FAMILY?! I NEVER thought you’d do that but apparently I put too much trust in you!”

Oooh, the fire had been lit! Right now, if I had some popcorn, this would make for a great show. Aunt Hermione was loud when she yelled and it wasn’t a surprise when Albus and Rose made an appearance at the back door.

“TOO MUCH TRUST? So are you saying you trust me BLINDLY? I am your husband and you still don’t give me TRUST?!”

“I am not saying I trust you blindly. You look into my words too much,” she huffed.

I made sure to avoid eye contact with mum and dad. They’d probably be sending me daggers.

“Well you probably do. So, why don’t you answer James’ question. How many boyfriends did you have?” asked Uncle Ron raising an eyebrow.

“Oh! I cannot believe you!” Aunt Hermione shrieked.

“So, you’ve had some that I DIDN’T know about! Admit it! I can’t believe you won’t be honest with me!”

“The only person I didn’t tell you about was Krum and you were suspicious anyways,” she concluded.

Haha, this was really going well. Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron going at each other made the best fights probably right after mum and dad. Or maybe they were a tie.

“So you DID go out with Krum! Harry back me up here!” yelled Uncle Ron.

“50 boyfriends?”

“What?” asked Uncle Ron. “I said back me up. Not talk about Ginny’s Hogwarts life.”

“So she did have 50 boyfriends? Holy shit!”

“Ron, don’t go telling Harry shit like that. I didn’t have 50 boyfriends. Are you out of your mind?” asked mum. How she managed to stay the most cool out of all of these raging adults I didn’t know.

“Well you didn’t tell me about Michael Corner now did you? How many others were you hiding from us?”

“US? So now it’s us? Ronald Weasley, don’t you dare try and dig us deeper into this mess!” Oops, I had spoken too soon. Mum was livid right now. Avoid eye contact! I told myself. Dad was still kind of lost, muttering 50 boyfriends over and over again. I peaked to see what was up with Rose and Albus. Turns out Hugo and Lily had joined them. Such nosy kids! I was enjoying myself, being in the middle of this argument but if I didn’t make an exeunt now I wouldn’t have time to do it any later.

I quickly slipped behind mum and Aunt Hermione who had now risen to their feet like dad and Uncle Ron and made my way to the backyard.

“What up, my brother, sister, cousin, cousin?” I asked casually.

“Did you cause this James?” Huh well someone knew me well didn’t they? I recognized the voice as Rose’s.

“What do you think Rosie?”


“Because I was bored and in need of some entertainment,” I replied. If wasn’t the truth but she didn’t need to know it and I wasn’t going to spill. My pay back had only just begun. I’d let the adults yell it out. Soon enough everything would go back to calm. Calm; hah, yeah right. Nothing was ever calm. It would just be awkwardly silent.

“You could have played with us,” Rose continued. Sometimes that girl didn’t know when to stop. When I said “what up” I didn’t exactly want them to respond so thoroughly.

“Play with you? Yeah right. Think again Rose. I think I’m going to go ride my broomstick,” I said walking off to the broom closet.

If I didn’t shake them off now, Rose would get too curious. That girl was good at finding things out and I didn’t want her to find out about my master plan version 2.0. Hey, I like that name. Maybe I’ll call it that.

I took out my broom and a Quaffle from the broom closet. No time like the present to practice Quidditch skills. Just this morning we had gotten our Hogwarts letters and mine had come with a Quidditch Captain badge. It was definitely something I was proud of and so were mum and dad both of whom were and still are Quidditch addicts. I guess Al has lost all hope of ever becoming Quidditch captain. Maybe he’d become prefect? If he did, that would be a first for us. Neither mum or dad had been prefects. Rose is guaranteed a prefect badge since both Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione were prefects. I never quite got how Uncle Ron became one but their headmaster was Albus Dumbledore. Apparently he was as much of a lunatic as he was a genius. Odd combination eh? We’re stuck with McG though she hates it when we call her that.

I took off from the ground tossing the Quaffle up in the air. I practiced catching and throwing it through the hoops. (we’ve got some in our backyard with are magically charmed so they can’t be viewed by Muggles).  The time went by extremely fast. It always does when I’m playing Quidditch. Up in the air, I feel like I belong there. I never want to come down. Mum sent Lily to call me.

“JAMES!” she yelled from the ground. “IT’S SUPPER TIME!” she continued yelling. I descended and put my things away. I went inside to wash up a bit (mum is paranoid about having dirty hands) before coming outside where we were going to have supper. Aunt Hermione just walked out with the last tray when I seated myself inbetween Lily and Albus. How did I end up in the middle of my siblings? Oh yeah, because it was the middle of the table where I could cause the most mayhem from.

I grinned as ideas flooded my mind again. Things still looked tensed and now it was time to get payback on the children. This would lighten the mood (maybe). It would definitely cause the adults to forget about their argument and focus on their children.

The food was served and everyone began chowing down. Mum was a horrible cook, so thankfully Aunt Hermione was here to help. She definitely hadn't inherited her cooking skills from Grandma Weasley who was a lovely cook. It was in the middle of dessert that I caused a scene.

“So, Al have you told them about your problem yet?” I asked trying to keep a straight face. Dad suddenly perked up.

“What problem?”

“I don’t have a fucking bloody problem!” Albus shouted.

“Albus, watch your language!” Dad said sharply.

“Well, I would if James wasn’t such an annoying git who pestered me all the time,” he said angrily.

“What problem?” Dad asked choosing to ignore Albus’ comment. Why were they so much easier on him?

“Oh you know the one where –“Albus clapped a hand over my mouth.

“SHUT UP!” he yelled.

I licked his palm forcing him to let go and wipe his hand on his shirt. Like a hand over my mouth was going to stop be from speaking.

“Damn it James, what problem does Albus have?” Asked dad seriously. He looked nervous as if he wanted to hear this, and then again he didn’t want to hear this. I took a deep breath and let it out.


“WHAT?” yelled everyone around me at the same time except for Al and Rose.

“Since when?” chimed in Lily. Honestly, this girl knew how to break awkward moments. Albus groaned beside me.

“Look what you did now,” he growled.

“Honey,” mum began. Ooh, she was getting worried! “This is nothing to be ashamed of if it’s really what you want,” she said shifting uncomfortably in her seat a bit.

“For God’s sake, I don’t want to become a Trans!”

“Erm, son we’ll be accepting,” said dad after he got a glare from mum. Dad shared a glance with Uncle Ron who merely shrugged.

“LISTEN!” Al yelled. “I do NOT want to become a Trans! I NEVER did. I LIKE being a boy and I’d like to keep my manliness thank you very MUCH!”

"What manliness?" Lily snorted but Al ignored her. Oh yes, because everyone is so much nicer to people who aren't me.  

Nice rant on his behalf. Everyone looked around, clearly lost for words. Albus nudged Rose to come to his aid.

“Albus is telling the truth. James just made that up to annoy Albus. Really, I was there when he first said it,” she said slightly annoyed.

Well, since Rose has said Albus wasn’t, he wasn’t. Everyone trusted her word. At least all the adults in and out of her family did. Thanks for ruining that but of fun Rose! It was now time to embarrass her.

“So, did you know Rose and Scorpius almost kissed?” I asked casually.

Uncle Ron who was in the midst of relaxing again had some treacle tart in his mouth. As soon as I had said that his whole body tensed up, his eyes bulged and he started to choke on his treacle tart. But, he managed to get out a strangled “WHAT?”

“See, and you thought only my kids were weird,” said dad nudging Uncle Ron.

“HARRY!” mum exclaimed. Dad just shrugged in an “it’s true” kind of way.

“When? Why? Where? How?” exclaimed Uncle Ron.

Well, he had asked the what and I had filled in the who so the rest of the question were bound to come sooner or later. The fact that Uncle Ron was an Auror and he investigated daily wasn’t making this any easier on Rose who had decided to stay mute. All the better.

“James! Explain! Now!” he rounded on me.

“Well, it was last year in Potions class. Rose spilled Sophorus beans on him and when she went to pick them up she wasn’t looking and he also went to get them, they looked up and smacked each other on the head and then they were all dizzy and banged their heads forward and their lips kinda landed? I don't know the full details. I wasn't in their class,” I said looking pleased with myself. Things were going well, and I hadn’t even gotten to Lily and Hugo yet.

"Scopius who?" asked Uncle Ron seething.

He was just stalling, We only knew one Scopius because only the Malfoys would name their child that.

"Malfoy, duh!" I said.

That’s it. All hell had broken loose. At the slight mention of the name “Malfoy” everyone was looking murderous. Yes, my family keeps grudges. We’re a grudge keeping family thus my behaviour towards everyone today. I know my faults but I get them from my parents. It’s in my genes and I can’t do anything about it so no one can tell me otherwise. I always use this as an argument whenever mum or dad tells me to stop keeping a grudge. The only thing they can muster up is “just don’t.” When you tell me not to do something, I obviously am going to do it. Uncle Ron was now on his feet.

“Oh, all the better. Say, does this mean my kids are weirder or yours?” asked Dad sarcastically.

This was what they discussed? Whose children were weirder? Hello, ask us first. I would appreciate it if you didn’t talk about me in a bad way. But of course, if you’re boasting about me then it’s all fine.

“IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I SWEAR!” cried a frightened Rose.

“Yeah, an accident the entire school was talking about!” piped up Hugo. Rose glared at him and he turned away.

“Can we forget about this?” Rose asked. “Please?”

Aunt Hermione was trying to gather Uncle Ron up. He was still sputtering “Malfoy” at random intervals. This was turning out to be a better day than I expected.

“Oh so, does that mean we can talk about someone else now?” I asked grinning despite myself.

“How about we talk about you James?” said mum glaring.

“Nah, that wouldn’t make for an interesting story. We should talk about Hugo and his crush on Professor McGonagall.” Everyone snorted.

“Oh look, that makes both of your children weird so you can’t say anything about me having abnormal children Ron,” said dad. He was trying not to laugh. I couldn’t blame him though. This was funny. Hugo honestly had a crush on Professor McGonagall in the first year.

“Don’t go there James. Please?” Hugo begged. The kid just had to use the pleading on me didn’t he. But, I wasn’t going to elaborate on this. I think everyone’s food was going to come out the wrong way if I did. Plus, I was fond of Hugo. He didn’t bother me as much as everyone else did.

“Do you have to be mean James?” Lily huffed.

Hah, I hadn’t even begun on her yet. “Well, I don’t have to but since you did call me mean let me go to my extreme,” I said grinning evilly. I wasn’t evil but I was too up in the moment to care about that now.

Lily eye’s bulged. “Don’t!” she croaked.

“What do you mean don’t? You don’t even know what I’m going to say unless you’re thinking about the time when –“ My face lit up. Lily knew exactly what I was going to say.

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Try me!”

“Mum! You can’t let him!” she shrieked.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about but James, don’t,” mum said warily. She was too tired and worn out from the day’s adventures to care much anymore. Everyone just wanted this to be over.

“So Lily, have you expanded your vocabulary?”

“James.” She said warningly.

“Why?” asked Rose. That chipper wanted to know everything but it gave me motivation.

“Because Lily accidentally asked Dad what ‘to fuck someone’ meant.”

“JAMES!” She said smacking me on the head. Oww, maybe sitting beside her wasn’t such a good thing.

“What, I’m telling the truth,” I said innocently.

“So how’d you respond?” asked Uncle Ron sniggering a little.

“Ron!” warned Aunt Hermione.

“What, I’m just curious,” he said innocently.

“I don’t want to answer that,” said dad awkwardly.

“James, you little... AH! I’m going to kill you for this!” cried Lily.

“Don’t think you’re getting away with this from me,” chimed in Rose.

“And not me either,” said Hugo following the trend. I shouldn’t have let that sucker off the hook so easily.

“If you think I’m going to let you get away with this, you’re dumber than a troll. Watch out, that’s all I’m saying!” said Albus growling.

“Now, now, don’t go giving me death threats. And by the way; like I’m afraid of my family.”

“What’d you say now?” asked mum glaring at me. Damn, I looked her in the eyes. Those daggers were piercing me. I could almost feel the pain.

“I said, I think it’s time for bed don’t you?”

And with that I hopped out of my seat and made my way inside the house and up to my room. I’d have enough things in there to keep me company until it was actually time for bed. I could try out some of the stuff Uncle George asked me to test for him. Oh, that explosion thing was sounding good right now. I should do that early in the morning and maybe dad would have another fit and run around in his boxers. Now that was a good idea.


A/N: This chapter was way too much fun to write. James is definitely something and I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as we did. James certainly likes attention and he likes causing trouble. That much is obvious. Read and Review <3

-Alex & Marissa

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