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Chapter 21 : The Twenty-first.
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That was what I had agreed with myself right? If nothing happens by new year then nothing was going to happen and I should leave everyone well alone. Except something had happened, something huge. How on earth was I supposed to digest it all? I wasn’t. Every time Annabelle returned from seeing them it was the same question. Peter wants to know if you’re okay. Was there something I missed? I always just shook my head, saying that nothing had happened and nothing would.
The worst part of it was knowing how much Remus avoided me. That was most definitely the worst part. Sometimes though not often in those two weeks, I would catch his glance, just for a second. It was like he didn’t even recognise me anymore. I couldn’t change what happened but hopefully I could change his mind. He would have to talk to me in charms. There was no way he could avoid it, I sat right next to him. I had transfiguration before then where I would be surrounded by them. I had no idea what to expect.
I got to class just before it would be considered late. A first for me. The three of them looked up at me. I smiled sadly at all of them, hoping they would tell me what was going on. Remus looked back towards the front without a word and James followed his lead. When I sat down, Sirius didn’t say hello or even acknowledge I was there. As bad as I felt, I was also starting to get really pissed off with the lot of them. I practically tore my parchment as I ripped it out of my bag and slammed it on the table.
It wasn’t like I asked to be attacked. It wasn’t like I forced them all to explain it to me. It wasn’t like I begged for Remus to be the one to heal my wounds. And it certainly wasn’t me who told Remus to feel all guilty and angry because of me. So yeah, I was getting pretty fucking sick of it. Two weeks was enough time to get over it. I hadn’t gotten over it but honestly, I thought that was fair. I was the one who had received the most damage and I was the one who had a big bloody reason for being afraid of werewolves. I was allowed to not be okay with it but they were not allowed to ignore me without even telling me why.
“Right, today seeing as it is the first day back, I will let you work on your projects with your partners as long as you get to work. Otherwise, we will be doing more theory work.” McGonagall said, sitting on her desk and doing some marking, no doubt copious essays which she had handed out to O.W.L students. She thought she was doing us all a favour and to be fair, she probably was. At least for most of the class.
I flipped through the parchments until I reached the essay which I had started. I was planning to just work on it in silence, at least that way I could pretend to be focussed while they all ignored me. Sirius seemed to follow my lead by taking some parchment out of his bag as the rest of the class jabbered away loudly. McGonagall lifted up the pile of marking and took it into her office, we were seventh years we were pretty much trusted by the teachers to get on with our work. If we didn’t we were only hurting our own chances.
When she left the room, everyone got even louder than they were, nobody could really be bothered working on the first day back. Sirius didn’t seem to want to work either, he was just sitting doing nothing. It was annoying, there was me thinking I had a halfway decent partner. I actually needed this subject to get into the ministry and out of my house.
“Are you going to do anything?” I asked angrily. He seemed surprised I was talking to him.
“What? Oh right, the project. Well I was thinking that maybe asking McGonagall if we could change partners.” I was gobsmacked. Remus and James turned round but they didn’t seem surprised. Clearly they had discussed this.
“I was thinking about asking Flitwick too,” Remus said, looking at Sirius instead of me, “it’s for the best.”
“Do you actually hate me that much?” I asked him, gritting my teeth as he wouldn’t look at me. He looked surprised but didn’t speak. “Forget it then,” I said, ramming all my things into my bag. I walked out of the room as quickly as I could without looking like I was storming out. Luckily it was a short distance to the door. Clearly sitting at the back payed off.
I decided to work on my projects in the library instead. If I was going to be starting from scratch then I might as well be prepared. I couldn’t believe them. They were actually cutting me out of their lives completely. I had been nothing but nice to them for the past few months and by some freak accident they all hated me even though I had tried to accept it. Did they not realise how freaking difficult it was for me to be nice to people? No. Well screw them all.
The library was empty, everyone else would be in classes at this point. So I sat down at one of the bigger tables and sprawled my work everywhere. I growled inwardly. I’d left my last bloody ink bottle in Transfiguration which was lucky really, considering it would have spilt everywhere in my haste to get out of there. I tried to remember the spell to transfigure myself one from a torn off piece of parchment. Then I remembered where I had left it, I could just summon it. So I did, badly. I was pretty sure there would be an ink splash somewhere in the corridor because the bottle seemed noticeably less full than it had been.
I was probably there for ages so it was a good thing I had a of work. Once the day of classes had officially ended, I moved to a smaller, quieter corner of the library in order to continue in peace. All of the fifth years would no doubt be in cramming for tests. I had missed Charms but I wasn’t really fussed. It was funny how unlike myself I was being, I was just too angry to care.
“Hello,” a quiet voice said. I didn’t bother answering. “I, uh, I copied out my Charms notes from today for you.”
I looked up and Remus put about eight pages of parchment on the table. Clearly I had missed a lot. “Thanks,” I said dully, “Flitwick let you change partners?”
“I didn’t ask.”
“You must be gutted.”
“Well clearly you wanted another partner, and if that’s the case then I couldn’t care less who I end up with.”
“I didn’t want another partner. Like I said, it’s for the best.”
“The best for who?”
“Really, well that’s a load of shit. If it was in my best interest to change partners then I would have done it already, Remus. Don’t say you were doing it for me to make yourself feel better about ditching me.” Okay, so I was being rude, but I felt like being rude and I didn’t get to do what I wanted very often so I was doing it then.
“I didn’t ditch you.”
“Oh right, so what would you call not talking to me for two weeks all because I found out about your ‘furry little problem’.” I even mimed the air quotes.
“From what exactly?”
“Me, you have no idea what it’s like. Knowing you’re a monster. I am sorry about ignoring you though. I’ve been thinking about it, really hard and well, I know this is going to sound stupid now but I think we should be friends again. I’ve actually missed our talks during charms and I think I’ve moved past whatever stupid thing was stopping me from accepting what I'd done before now. Sorry.” He held out his hand like he wanted me to take it. I didn't touch it.
“Seriously? That’s the reason you didn’t talk to me or even tell me what the hell was going on? That’s rubbish. You do realise how self-hating and pathetic that sounds right?” I know that was low but I didn’t care, “you know what Remus you can take that half-hearted apology and shove it back down your throat before I do.”
“What?” He asked, surprised by my anger. Honestly, he looked scared. I was on too much of a roll to even think about stopping.
“You heard me perfectly well. ‘I think we should be friends’, ‘I’ve moved past it now.’” I said, mimicking his depressed tones, “Well it’s too little, too late. I was overjoyed when you finally kissed me but now I’m just wondering who’s balls you borrowed that day seeing as you clearly don’t own a pair yourself. I’ve moved way past it, Remus. I think you might have been right about changing partners after all.” I didn’t want to change partners either but I was too angry to even think about anything clearly. I was actually saying the complete opposite of what I wanted to but I guess that’s me, the angry idiot.
I started packing up my things hastily when I saw three pairs of ankles storm round the corner of the bookshelves. I left Remus’ shockingly neat notes on the table, it was nice of him I’ll admit, but I wasn’t really caring about it in that moment. Suddenly James, Sirius and Peter were standing beside Remus. They looked pretty angry.
“Wow,” I said sarcastically, “an invisibility cloak. You didn’t even have the stones to come alone.” To be honest, I was impressed by the invisibility cloak, I’d never seen one before but I wasn’t going to admit it, I'm far too stubborn for that.
“How can you be so rude?” Peter asked. Ah, all too innocent Peter, he was going out with Annabelle, obviously he had never seen a woman angry before.
“It’s not even rude,” Sirius said, “it’s just despicable. What have you ever been through that even compares?”
“Everything I said was true. It’s just that none of you wanted to hear it.” I ignored the last part of his sentence, I would have exploded otherwise.
“Everything I said was true too,” Remus said, looking more confused than ever. “Wait, was what you said about being overjoyed true too?”
“Obviously,” I said, “just because you were the only person in the school who was too thick to see I liked you doesn’t mean it wasn’t true,” I said to the now speechless Remus, “idiot.”
“Where do you think you’re going?” James asked, “you think you can just act that way towards my friend and then run off?”
“I’m not running,” I said, “I’m clearly walking. None of you want me here so why should I stay?”
I was just about to walk off again and this time the marauders who were currently capable of speech allowed me to go past, clearly I was right. None of them wanted me there. I was almost out, when the marauder who I thought I had incapacitated spoke up. “Where did you get that idea from?”
“That we hate you.” Remus said quietly
“It’s pretty obvious.”
“Then you’re the thick one not me,” he said, looking annoyed.
“We don’t hate you. We all just figured that you wouldn’t want to talk to us now you knew the truth,” Peter said, clearly trying to tone down the argument.
“So everything I said in the room of requirement was completely ignored then? Nice to know someone was listening.”
“No, I’ll admit that part of it was my own idea. Seeing how hurt you had got made me angry with myself. You have to understand that I don’t even remember doing it, it literally kills me inside. Not knowing what I can do to the people I love. The more you all deny it, the more I think I’m a monster. Looking at you and your injuries just reminded me that as much as I try to live a normal life, I’ll always be a danger to people no matter how hard I try.”
Well, it was my turn to be speechless. I was genuinely gobsmacked by his confession. He was clearly being honest and knowing how he felt sort of made my heart break. “I’m so sorry,” I said quietly, “I had no idea you felt that way.”
And then I walked out. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
A/N: Hope you liked this aftermath-ish sort of chapter (argh! an argument!). And as usual, I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has read/reviewed/favourited this story. After the lest couple of chapters this story had over 100 reviews (which is absolutely amazing by the way so cheers!) over nine-thousand reads and seventy favourites so again, thanks! :) I'm still writing my little heart out on this story and I'm currently writing the twenty-fourth chapter.. hopefully it'll be done soon, I had writers block for the first time ever on this story which annoying because I kept deleting things so it's great to hear people are enjoying it! :D Anyway, cheers and I hope you liked the chapter!
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