Chapter 36 : Humiliation.
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So basically... I felt shit. There wasn’t really any other way of describing the grogginess and the pain in my head, although I’m sure my half-dead slowed down brain could dredge up some slightly more colourful adjectives to describe the feeling if I really pushed myself. I suppose passing out (which is what I assumed I’d done) after throwing up had led to the end of the alcohol-induced fuzzy feelings and this bitch of a thing I was now experiencing was probably classified as a hangover. It didn’t feel like a hangover though, it felt like death (and I should know all about that) and the knowledge that I’d done something beyond stupid tonight was walking hand and hand with this hangover thing.
I had told Sirius that I loved him. Forget told, I had yelled. It hadn’t been just to Sirius either. I mean, unless by some divine intervention God had made everyone temporarily deaf for those few minutes whilst I was yelling and swaying about, then everyone had heard. Even if they’d all been temporarily deaf the words were so bloody predictable that they could probably have read them off my lips, if they weren’t concentrating on wondering why the bloody hell they’d just gone deaf. God hates me anyway, so he’d probably have turned up their hearing receptors just to spite me.
Hell. That’s what I was in, my own personal hell. All this stupid bathroom needed was some flames and a devil (who in my head exactly resembles Severus Snape but with horns and a tail) then I’d believe myself to be in the fiery pits of hell. Not that I believe in the afterlife, because I don’t.
The point of the matter was, my head was pounding, my stomach felt like several elephants had walked over it, my whole body was physically exhausted, I could taste the alcohol in my mouth from throwing up (which I was still doing, repeatedly), I had admitted something by screaming it to the world when I’d barely even accepted it myself and given that Sirius was not here stroking my forehead as I lay passed out on the floor of the bathroom and holding my hair as I chucked up everything I’d ever eaten in the entire history of my life, I could only assume that I’d been utterly rejected.
I felt, in short, completely shit.
“Hey.” Remus said letting himself into the bathroom where I was sitting in front of the toilet half crying. The only reason the tears I was crying were not hysterical was because every time I sobbed it felt like someone was stabbing me in the head.
“Where’s Sirius?” I asked. “I want Sirius.” I said looking up at Remus and begging him. Normally this would have been such an insult on my dignity that I would never have dreamed about acting so pathetic but as things stood dignity was way down on my list of priorities.
I had a feeling that I’d thrown up over myself at some point which pretty much eliminates dignity out of the equation. Then again I’d already humiliated myself enough for a life time in one day. It was great really, and now I’d succumbed to begging. Begging for Sirius.
“I’m sorry.” Remus said. His words held so much weight and I let out a strangled sob without really meaning to. Apparently I had no control over what I did and didn’t do anymore and I did not like it. My body swayed over to one side and I gripped the edge of the toilet seat (nice) to hold myself upright. My head hurt. A bloody lot.
Why did people drink? Honestly? If this was how it made you feel, why the bloody hell would you do it? I’d done the stupidest thing I’d ever done in my life and now looked like a first class fool, because Sirius still wasn’t here. He’d sent Remus in to check on me which basically concludes that, despite all his talk, he couldn’t give a shit.
Remus sat down next to me and watched me for a few seconds. “You want to talk?” He asked and his words spun around in my head.
“Not really. I want Sirius.” I muttered as the world flashed around me in confusing waves of un-sense-ness. I put my hand up to my head in an attempt to steady my thought process. Really, never drinking again.
“He’s drunk.” Remus supplied looking at me with a mix of sympathy and mild repulsion (I’m putting that down to the fact he just watched me throw up,). I glared at Remus. I hated him a little at the minute, purely because he wasn’t Sirius. I’d have hated anyone who wasn’t Sirius because I was still suffering under the delusion that any second now he was going to barge his way in and declare ‘Mary! I love you more than life itself! You are the reason for my living’ or something equally as crap. I’d laugh at him, obviously, but begrudgingly accept this declaration of love before throwing up again (given how nauseas I felt without the added sickeningly sweet comment). Still, that was stupid.
Sirius did not love me.
I’d always known that so I wasn’t quite sure why I was finding it such a problem now. I had known from the start that I’d end up with my heart broken and a lot worse off than Sirius was but I’d figured that since I was dying, why the hell not. This was why the hell not. I had thought he cared though, that was the humiliating thing.
“He’s not that drunk.” I protested. “Not as drunk as me! Make him.” I said my voice boarding on hysterical for a few seconds. Dear Lord almighty, I was a mess.
“Mary, he’s not coming.” Remus said bluntly which brought me back to tears again. “Sorry.” He added, surprised by my slightly melodramatic reaction. I couldn’t help it though. Added to the pain of my head and the rest of my whole damn body, my heart had somehow managed to rip itself into two pieces, and not very cleanly either.
God! All I’d freaking wanted was Sirius, so why could I not just have him? I was dying for fucks sake. Did I not deserve to have that one little thing that might make me happy?
I rested my head on the basin of the toilet and sobbed. I sobbed for a good few minutes before I managed to say anything that resembled sense. I had the overwhelming urge to talk even though I had nothing much to say and the silence was making my head spin in circles. I had a feeling Remus might have prompted me several times, but the details of the world were unclear so I decided it was best just not to think about it, and just to speak.
“It’s like I’m Cinderella.” I said although it didn’t make much sense, but I couldn’t get my words out straight and my head felt fuzzy. I pulled myself up off the floor and tried to sit up, but I didn’t manage it particularly well and instead flopped over to the other side. Once I’d finally righted myself (although the world was still swaying a little from side to side) I saw that Remus was still looking at me with an expression of curiosity as he waited for me to continue. He was a pretty good listening-er. Balls, I was still bloody drunk. That meant that this, whatever it was, wasn’t a hangover. That was still to come. It was going to get worse. Excellent.
“Except.” I said, stumbling over the word and repeating it a few times before it sounded right on my tongue. “I told my prince that at midnight I was going to be left with a pile of rags and a pumpkin.” I continued, gripping hold of the toilet sink to keep me upright. “And my prince. Wasn’t much of a prince really but and arsehole who didn’t even pretend he was much of a prince, and acted like he was a prince, even though he was just an arsehole who wasn’t even...”
“Yeah.” Remus interrupted me. It seemed he hadn’t come in here to listen to me rambling about how Sirius was a jerk. Even though he was – the biggest jerk in the entire world. Actually he was bigger than the biggest jerk in the world. His level of jerkiness was bigger than the world. The universe even... infact Sirius Black was a bigger jerk than the whole of infinity. Times a million. That’s how much of a jerk he was.
“Except.” I said again and Remus sighed as if he thought this was taking too long. “Instead of saying, sure Cinders, that doesn’t matter, we’ll just have a swell time until then! This arsehole prince said oh, well, I can’t deal with that so I’m going to sod off and snog Nadine Fisher.” Remus raised his eyebrow and this interesting twist in the fairytale. “And that Cinderella isn’t going to turn into a pumpkin; she’s going to turn into a corpse.” I finished before throwing up into the toilet. I could taste the alcohol – redcurrant rum or something stupid like that – as it came back out. It wasn’t pleasant. Not at all.
Remus pulled my hair back from my face and had one hand supporting me in a second flat. I had a niggling feeling that he was only here because he wanted to know what was going on and that I’d already told him too much, but I was just glad that I hadn’t been left to throw up on my own where it would, most certainly, have ended up in my hair and all over the floor.
“Except. Cinderella is a sodding stupid story.” I said, realising that I was crying now (or had I not stopped before?). “Because you can’t fall in love with someone after one night, well... not if you’re dancing anyway.” I added and Remus nodded as if anything I’d just said made sense.
“And he’s a fucking jerk.” I added for good measure, although I no longer had any idea what I was talking about. “And I love him. Fuck Remus I really really love him.” I said at he didn’t say anything but instead held my head so that it was angled over the toilet. I decided that it was best to honour his wishes and kept my head in toilet-direction even though it meant I was looking at my own vomit.
I lifted up a hand clumsily and flushed the toilet. I pulled the roll of toilet paper and used some of it to wipe my mouth. How attractive do I look right now?
“Mary,” Remus said slowly. “Are you dying?” I didn’t answer – even when drunk I couldn’t answer – but he seemed to accept that as an answer and nodded seriously.
“Can I lie down please?” I asked and Remus nodded. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the way the world was twisting all around me.
When I woke up I was alone again. At some point someone must have brought me a glass of water because it was sitting there a few centimetres from my head (which hurt a lot). I reached out for it because it might eradicate the taste of alcohol induced vomit in my mouth. My hand wasn’t working properly and all I succeeded in doing was knocking the glass all over my face.
I scrunched my eyes up tight before sitting up. I pulled some more toilet paper towards me but it didn’t rip like I wanted it to. I pulled a bit harder and more unravelled itself but it didn’t rip. Forget it.
I pulled my pathetic excuse of a body over to the door – which was slightly open – and tried to listen to what was going on outside just because I couldn’t think of anything else to do. Plus, you never know, right outside the door Sirius could be confessing his secret burning passion for me right on the other side of this wall and was too embarrassed to confess his true feelings (except the closest thing Sirius ever got to embarrassment was a slight discomfort when his brilliant reputation was dented even a tiniest bit).
“How many people have you snogged Evans?” Sirius asked loudly – he was still drunk – and his voice was lovely and gorgeous and I loved him. Now that I’d admitted it some part of me wanted to embrace this new state of not being in denial and consequently my heart beat sped up and despite the horribly inappropriate situation I smiled.
Then I remembered that instead of being in the vomit-closet with me Sirius was quizzing my best friend (who hates me) on her kissing habits. With that came the realisation that Sirius was a first class heartbreaker and I’d become another stupid victim to his stupid silky voice and his stupid beautiful face and stupid wonderfully perfect Siriusness.
“Five.” Lily answered. “Now, how many people have you snogged?” Lily asked.
“I have no idea!” Sirius declared before barking loudly. How could he just be sat when I’d just drunkenly told him I was in love with him, and had subsequently passed out? Some friends – leaving me on my own when I was so drunk that I couldn’t think straight! I could have chocked on my own vomit and died and none of them would give two shits as long as they all found out how many people Sirius-man-whore-beautiful-bastard-Black had snogged.
“Fine, how many people have you slept with?” Lily asked. I didn’t want to know this. I really really didn’t. I tried to block out his answers but now I was listening I couldn’t just... stop. It had sparked a sickening sickly curiosity which...
Well that wasn’t as bad as I had expected. I’d expected something in the double figure mark.
A sudden guilty feeling pulsed through me – I’d judged him a little too harshly and never asked for the truth out of it. So he hadn’t told me. So I’d continued thinking the worst.
Five was still bleeding awful though.
“Who?” Lily asked and there was a noise of agreement from James.
“Lauren Babyliss,” I hadn’t a fucking clue who she was, but I hated her all the same. “Marlene McKinnon, Rachel, Mary and Nadine Fisher.”
Bastard. God damn him. As if he did that.
“Who was best?” Someone else asked – Peter I think. I screwed my face up and decided to make a very loud noise to distract them enough so that he wouldn’t answer the question because if he said anyone other than me I would kill him, and if he said me I would kill him.
I stood up (impressive I know) and banged my fist against the bathroom cabinet as loudly as I could. It hurt like a bitch and I let out a strangled cry and collapsed back down on the floor again.
“You should go. She wants you.” I heard Remus say from the other side of the door. I wished he hadn’t. I didn’t need any help sounding more pathetic given that... well... everything. He didn’t know I could hear him though so I supposed he could be half forgiven. Plus he had stopped me getting vomit in my hair.
Oh shit. He knew about the whole dying thing.
“No.” Sirius’s voice said firmly from the other side of the door. “I’m not going.”
Fuck you Black.
There was a deadly silence from the other side of the door and I realised that I might have said it out loud by accident and he had heard me, of course he had – that’s my life for you isn’t it? I would make myself sound even more pathetic and stupid at every occasion wouldn’t I?
The door opened and Sirius walked in. I swore at him, rather brilliant in my opinion, considering that I was still completely and utterly out of it. Admittedly it wasn’t really at him, but more a long stream of swear words I’d put together that I was saying in his direction. I think he got the message anyway because he slammed the door behind him which made my head shake.
I stopped swearing and groaned.
“I hate you.” I spat venomously and someone turned the music on outdoors, probably so they didn’t have to listen to our conversation.
Sirius looked down at where I’d tipped the glass over and I tried to hold myself upwards. He glanced at where I’d unrolled half the loo roll and then looked at the state I was in. My face burned with embarrassment, shame and anger.
“I hate you.” I repeated and Sirius ignored me. He picked up the glass off the floor and filled it up from the tap. He ripped the toilet roll off shoved it down the loo and flushed it. Only then did he turn to look at me with a cold expression in his eyes.
“You have vomit in your hair.” Lovely. “I’ll get Lily to come help shower you.”
“No.” I spat folding my arm over my chest. “She’s too drunk.”
“So are you.” Sirius snapped back. He walked over to the shower and turned it on. Then he half carried, half dragged me over towards the shower. “Get in.”
I felt like some sort of badly behaving four year old and I couldn’t look at him. I reached down to pull my T-shirt off but he stopped me.
“You’re clothes could do with a wash too.” He said grabbing my arm as I made the big scary move of stepping into the shower. I let the water wash over me and tried not to think about the fact that I had vomit in my hair (ew) or that Sirius appeared to completely and utterly detest me according to the steely expression fixed on his face.
He had his hands around my waist to make sure I didn’t fall over and surely that meant that he cared about me a little bit? If he really hated me wouldn’t he just let me sit with vomit in my hair?
“Shampoo.” Sirius said handing me a bottle. I opened it up clumsily and tried to wash my hair with it. It smelt of Sirius and love potion. I sobbed shakily and tried to push his hands off me but he wouldn’t let go. “There’s no conditioner. I’m sure you’ll live.” Sirius said after all the shampoo had been washed out of my hair again.
“You’re hair would be much softer if you conditioned.” I said hoping that it would lighten this whole thing slightly... it didn’t.
See this is the part in the book where Sirius is supposed to confess that he’s always loved me and doesn’t care that he’s dying because he loves me so much that he can’t stand to be without me and what not... Instead what do I get? I get Sirius drying my clothes with a quick spell and handing me a glass of water complete with a hate glare.
Hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles! Some people get a long life full of love and happiness.
I get two months of hate and vomiting.
Someone throw a party.
“I hate you.” I told Sirius again, maybe exercising under the foolish hope that if I told him I hated him enough it would cancel out the very embarrassing and highly inappropriate ‘I fucking love you!’ Oh how very cliché and crap. Except if this was a decent cliché he would have been like ‘I fucking love you too Mary McDonald! Let’s elope’ or whatever.
“You’ve mentioned it once or twice.” Sirius deadpanned.
It registered that the noise next door had stopped again and it was remarkably silent. They probably decided it was safe to turn the music off again when the shower was turned on.
“That’s because I hate you.” I spat once again.
“Give it a rest.” He snapped back sounding angry.
“No. You give it a rest!”
“Give what a rest?”
“The glaring!” I yelled gesturing wildly and swaying backwards. Sirius grabbed me instantaneously and set me up straight again. “You’re still glaring at me! Stop it!” I yelled and Sirius just stood there with no emotions and no nothing that made him him. I wanted a reaction. I wanted him to do something. I needed something to work on here.
I lunged forwards (clumsily, but the shower had sobered me up quite a bit) and kissed him before he could do anything to stop me. I knew of all the things I could do this would probably show me where I stood the quickest and get him mad in the shortest amount of time.
I’d expected him to kiss me back for a split second before realising but the second our lips had connected (and even then they didn’t really because my judgment was off) he had grabbed my shoulders and pushed my backwards forcefully. God damn him. God damn him. God damn him.
A tearless sob racked through my body and I realised I was shaking a little. At least I knew where I stood (on the bathroom floor, ha ha) and I had successfully made Sirius lose his emotionless facade because how he was bloody furious.
“I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS!” He roared at me rather suddenly but maybe that was because I was still under the influence and nothing was working properly. I could have said something more to set him off, but all I knew was that he was yelling at me very very loudly. I backed up against the wall and tried very hard not to look at him. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like whatever came out of his mouth next.
The room next door had gone silent. Excellent.
“I didn’t bloody expect this to happen!” He yelled and his words were cutting and icy sharp. I wanted to crawl up into the foetal position and not have to listen to these hurtful truths. “ I didn’t think this would be so fucking complicated!” He yelled gesturing between us. “I didn’t ask for you to be dying.” He said his voice dropping so that no one else could possibly hear it. “And I didn’t fucking ask for you to be in love with me.” He added in the same hushed tone, but slightly louder than before. The level, cold way in which he was speaking was literally tearing me apart. Oh, and there goes my heart... smashed. Blah. Blah. I took a deep shuddering breathe and tried to compose myself but I was still crying all over the place. “I’m six-fucking-teen and I’m not cut out to deal with this – with you!”
“I hate you!” I whimpered. “I HATE YOU!” I yelled because he didn’t seem to care at all how much he was bloody hurting me. My whole body hurt and I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and never have to wake up again. Lily hated me and Sirius didn’t care so what was the point dragging this out for another month and a half? Euthanasia. I wonder if Nate would buy it because bloody hell was I in pain.
“Good I’m glad!” Sirius bellowed back before walking out of the bathroom and slamming it behind him.
I burst into a fresh wave of tears again and wretched my guts up all over the carpet.
“Mary?” Remus’ voice came floating into the bathroom a while later. It could have been hours, but it could have been a couple of minutes. My sense of time was completely off. “How are you feeling?” He asked looking at me warily.
“Oh, fantastic,” I muttered leaning with my head against the wall where I was trying not to move. I felt rough. I felt so unbelievably rough and pretty depressed as well for that matter.
I feel I have every right in the world to be depressed though. It’s not like I’m so stupid angsty teenager who’s upset because the boy she’s ‘in love with’ doesn’t like her back, and no one understands ect ect...
I was dying, I actually loved Sirius (unfortunately because he’s a heartless twat and I hate him), and no one DOES understand. How could they? The biggest problem Lily’s ever had is that her sister calls her a freak, she has an attractive, nice enough, popular stalker and her ex-best friend (Snape) may end up trying to kill her in a couple of years. That’s bad by most teenagers’ standards!
Sirius has his parents hating/disowning him and his relatives trying to kill him ever so often. He also has a brother who’s going to become a murderer and an ex-girlfriend who’s dying and trying to depend on him to make her last few months worthwhile when he can’t deal with it. That’s pretty bad!
“I’m impressed you can still manage sarcasm in that state,” Remus said handing me a glass of water that I didn’t want. I chucked it in his face to express my distaste in the matter and to vent some of my shit feelingness on to someone else. If only Sirius were here.
Remus spluttered comically, stood up and left again.
I laughed hollowly.
“Mary?” Lily’s voice came floating threw the bathroom cheerfully. She was slightly drunk still, that much was obvious, and she sounded frustratingly happy. I hated her. I hated her and her stupid cloud of blissfulness that was clearly surrounding her, but I only hated her because I was so jealous that it made me sick.
“We’re all going to stay here for a night. It would look bad if we came down from the boy’s staircases at this time.” I nodded. “You’re not going to be sick again are you?”
“No, I feel much better.” I answered truthfully.
“Goood,” Lily said drawing out the ‘oo’ for longer than necessary. Her voice has lost its harshness and reminded me of the twelve year old Lily who’d had an unbelievably innocent mind before we’d corrupted her. “Come on then!” She said gesturing towards the door.
I stood up shakily and walked towards the door. Scary new step for inebriated Mary – the dormitory.
“You’re doing gggggreat!” Lily declared flinging open the door and beaming at the room. Everyone looked at her and then me and I looked downwards and tried not to look at/think about Sirius.
“What are the sleeping arrangements?” I asked awkwardly and realised that I was a hell of a lot more sober than I had been before but I still didn’t feel quite right. That was probably more to do with my new state of broken heartedness and shit-life-syndrome than the alcohol but you never know.
“Well, guys can’t share beds. It’s weird.”James said. “So Alice and Frank are sharing, and Lily’s sharing with me.” I cringed internally. Lily was so going to kill him when she was sober. Couldn’t someone magic up a mattress? I suspect everyone had had a little too much fire whiskey and that red and blue crap.
“And me?” I asked not wanting to hear the answer. James beamed (which was terrifying) and pointed towards, oh yes, Sirius’s bed... “I’ll sleep on the floor.” I said and James shrugged as if he didn’t care at all.
“You can’t sleep in that.” Lily said gesturing at my clothes. I’d vomited on them, showered in them, had them dry to my skin, and vomited on them again.
“No.” James agreed looking at them with mild repulsion. I didn’t blame him. I was going to burn them as soon as I had the chance. James walked over to Sirius’s trunk (the owner of which was talking to Remus on the other side of the room. It looked important) and pulled out one of his T-shirts.
I stood with my back facing the others and attempted to pull my shirt off. Apparently I wasn’t that sober yet.
“Sirius, would you like to help Mary get changed?” James suggested sweetly. I cursed him in my head, and cursed him for letting me carry on drinking when clearly it hadn’t been a good idea.
“I’m not doing it, she chucked water at me!” Remus said and I assumed Sirius had sent him a pleading look.
“Not a chance.” James said happily.
I heard Sirius come over and attempted to take my shirt off a little more violently than before so he didn’t have to help me, but the buttons wouldn’t cooperate.
“Here.” Sirius said softly turning me round and unbuttoning them for me. How utterly embarrassing. I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to look and tried not to think about what was happening. “Now, are you going to sleep in your bra or...?” I nodded quickly before he could even think about taking it off. “Arm’s up.” He instructed and I did so. He pulled the T-shirt over my head. “Can you manage your skirt?” He asked and I nodded. I yanked it down over my hips.
“I’m sleeping on the floor.” I said. Sirius shrugged, chucked me a pillow and climbed into bed.
“Sirius,” I whispered nudging him awake with my arm. He stirred immediately and opened one eye. Everyone else was asleep now and I had been for awhile but... the floor was uncomfortable. I tilted my head at him and sent him a pleading look. He appraised me for a second. I raised my eyebrows at him and pouted.
Sirius sighed deeply and muttered “Get in,” with added eye roll. I smiled at him. He fought smiling back at me for a few seconds before the corners of his lips twisted up into a rare genuine smile.
I decided to treasure this rare moment of vulnerability but resisted the urge to bend down and kiss his forehead.
“Budge over then.” I said with a stupidly wide smile plastered on my face even though my heart was broken and was suffering under the infamous hangover. Sirius had that affect on me, unfortunately. He looked almost sweet with his hair messed up (from tossing and turning) and the blankets pulled around his topless state. He raised an eyebrow briefly before shuffling down to the opposite end of the bed and turning has back on me.
Then it all came rushing back, and I laid down at the very edge of his bed (breathing in his scent), with my back turned away from him.
At some point during the night we’d moved from sleeping back to back at different ends of the four poster to an entirely different position. Now we were sort of... spooning and Sirius had one arm wrapped around my waist and one resting on my knee. He also had his lips millimetres away from my neck so that I could feel his breathing on my skin.
Sirius wouldn’t be happy if we woke in this position but there was no way I was moving (even if that were possible, he hadn’t really left me much room for manoeuvre). He’d probably be even more annoyed if I knew that somehow, when he was asleep, he turned over scooted closer and wrapped his arms around me. It wasn’t my fault. He was the one that moved and my god it was comfy.
So what I would do is pretend to be asleep until he’d detached himself from me and then I would “wake up” thus removing the awkward moment when he wakes up and realises that he’s accidently molested a girl who doesn’t even care about whilst she was sleeping.
“Pads!” James yelled pulling back the curtain. I imagined the look on his face when he saw the way we were sleeping but concentrated on keeping my breathing steady and even. “Sirius.” James said poking his shoulder (of the arm resting on my knee which I could just about feel).
“Hmm?” Sirius asked sleepily but didn’t move.
“I’ve given Lily and Alice the invisibility cloak to get back to their dorm. I figured Mary would need to lie in for a bit longer given...”
“Yeah.” Sirius said and I could feel the air in the word on my skin. The annoying tickle made me want to move my shoulder so badly it was almost painful. I resisted.
“Me and Pete are going down for breakfast. Moony’s still dead to the world and I figured I’d leave him to it.”
“Why? When was the full moon?”
Wait. What? Full moon? What has the got to do with anything?
“Still another week. I was thinking more that he had to watch Alice and Frank get off for a few hours, then he had to watch Mary throw up for a couple of hours, then he had to clear up her vomit for a bit... it can’t have been much fun and he looked pretty rough.” James said. “Mary’s very classy by the way – good choice.”
“Shut up.” Sirius muttered pulling me closer (inadvertently I’m sure).
“Well, I’m going to leave you two to it.” James said and the curtain was drawn back again.
“Bye.” Sirius said pulling my even closer which meant that his lips were actually touching my neck now. I tried not give anything away about my state of consciousness and held in the shaky breathe I was dying to let go of. “Mary,” Sirius muttered nuzzling his nose against my neck. He then started kissing my neck softly and I scrunched my eyes up tight to stop myself from responding. “Mary,” he repeated with his lips stopping just below my earlobe. He breathed out slowly and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling.
I rolled over, still trying to act unconscious, and pressed myself against him a little bit. He sat up slightly and kissed my forehead, jaw line and the edge of my lips. “Mary,” Sirius whispered again and I felt my whole body fill up with a nervous excitement. I could listen to him saying my name forever (and no I do not care at all how pathetic and sappy that sounds, I’ve crossed the line). He leaned over me and kissed me properly this time. I didn’t react (which took enormous amounts of self control). “Mary I...” He said running his lips over my hairline and rubbing his nose against mine in the most gorgeous and wonderful way. I can’t believe that people genuinely believe that he isn’t sweet. This is about the sweetest thing ever. He’s all sleepy and gorgeous and mmmmm...
I smiled. He froze. I froze and tried to take back the smile.
I don’t think he’d quite realised what he was doing but now he was extremely aware. I needed to see the expression on his face so I opened my eyes and looked up at him.
“Did I wake you up?” Sirius asked flatly. Ah, goodbye sweet Sirius, hello arsehole. I should have stayed unconscious.
“Yeah, I think it was when you started kissing me...” I suggested.
“I didn’t...” think you were awake so I thought it was okay act like normal because I’m secretly in love with you too but I didn’t want you to know because this way I can be a coward and back down by saying that I don’t actually care that much because I don’t want my heart to be broken because that sounds like a bitch, but now I’ve confessed this to you I feel I have no other choice but to love you through your final month and a half? “... Know what I was doing.” Or that. To be honest, I preferred my version of the story which, actually, for once made more sense.
“Riiighhtt...” Wait a second. Sirius had done the ‘Mary I...’ thing AGAIN. “What were you going to say?” I asked suddenly and Sirius groaned and put his hand to his head.
“You were awake the entire time.”
“Of course.” I retorted. “I would have moved but your arms wouldn’t let me. Funny, I thought you didn’t care...”
“I never said that.” Sirius countered. “It would be much easier if I didn’t.”
“For you maybe,” I cut in.
“No. If I didn’t care then things like this wouldn’t happen.” He said gesturing towards our close proximity. “Which would make things a lot easier for both of us.”
“With all due respect, Sirius. That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard.”
“I thought I was supposed to be the dumb one and you were supposed to the freaky-genius.”
“I could roll with that – the freaky genius...” Sirius said complete with hand gesture. I rolled my eyes.
“You’re a prat. Plus even if you didn’t care about me I’m sure you’d have ended up kissing me, a Casanova like you.”
“Casanova.” Sirius repeated sounding amused. “Now that’s even better than freaky-genius.”
“Oh god, I shouldn’t have fed your ego. It’s getting so big it might burst your head open.”
“Nah, it was getting pretty hungry and was about to start eating my brain for fuel, it’s a good job you did.”
“It’s only just started feeding on your brain?” I questioned. He smirked. “I think you should feed my ego now.” I said smiling slightly at his expression.
“You are the most attractive drunk I have ever seen.” I hit him. “Really, wow. Last night you were so sexy... it was all I could do to keep my hands to myself.”
“You didn’t,” I interrupted him, “And by the way, for future reference, when you’re drunk you should never kiss anyone.”
Sirius smirked at me. “I’ve been told.”
“I bet you have – Casanova. What was it, five girls?”
Sirius groaned again. “Must you always eavesdrop?” He questioned.
“Of course. Who’s Laruen Babyliss anyway?”
“Hey, that makes three out of the five girls you’ve slept with bitches!” I exclaimed. “Lauren, Marlene, Nadine...”
“Four by my accounts.” Sirius smirked.
“Oi! You’re supposed to be feeding my ego here, not shredding it into a thousand pieces.”
“Do I have to?” Sirius asked with a fake whiny voice that made me smile.
“Yes, and make it romantic while you’re at it.”
“I’m always romantic.” Sirius protested smirking. “You’re the one always killing the romance vibe.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, fuck, I need to erm.... go wash my houself!” Sirius exclaimed.
“Shut it Casanova, it’s not my fault that I’m not a slag unlike... you.” I said poking him in the chest.
“On the contrary, I think I’ve proved you’re very slaggy.”
“You’re completely failing at complimenting me here.”
“You’re very special...” Sirius said and I rolled my eyes again. “And you look very sexy in that T-shirt.”
“It’s yours.” I deadpanned. “I threw up on my clothes.”
“And your seductive skills always amaze me.” Sirius continued smirking at me as per normal. “You normally smell nice too. However today... little vomity.”
“Which is your fault and come on, compliment me!” I whined. “After yesterday’s humiliation I need to build up my self esteem again.”
“Okay... Even though I watched you throw up last night I want to kiss you.”
“Kiss me then.”
“Well, I can’t.”
“Then don’t freaking say it!” I said in frustration. What was with all the mixed sodding signals?
“You asked me to compliment you.” Sirius said defensively.
“You could have gone for something like ‘you have nice eyes’ or ‘I like your smile’ but of course things don’t stretch that far with you.”
“Hey! I’ve complimented your eyes and your smile before.” Sirius said. “Well, maybe not your smile, but definitely your lips.” He added a wink in for good measure and I rolled my eyes at him.
“See this is the problem. Everything does not need to be related to sex!”
“I’ve just woken up with you in my arms, Mary. I need at least half an hour before things aren’t related to sex.” I opened my mouth to say something but closed it promptly. I really did not have an answer to that. I repeated the very attractive gaping thing a few more times before finally managing to say “Erm... thanks?”
“Any time.” Sirius said smirking at my expression.
I sat myself up a little more and leant against the back of the bed fully aware that he was looking at me (a little too intently). So what had I established so far...? Sirius did care about me but didn’t love me (fantastic) and seemed to still think we should remain broken up.... well that’s a fat load of uselessness.
The only remotely interesting thing I’d found out this morning was that Remus was dead to the world which could apparently have some relevance to the full moon which didn’t make any sense at all anyway. They probably had some crazy ritual thing where they all went and ran around in animagus form just for the hell of it.
Actually, that wasn’t as stupid as it sounded. They did all seem to be dead at certain times of the month for no apparent reason. Maybe next time it was full moon – not that I’d know – I’d look outside and see a stag, a dog, a rat and a wolf running around.
A wolf, at full moon...
“Oh my God!” I exclaimed making myself jump. I clapped a hand to my mouth. The weird visits to the hospital wing! The strange absences! “Oh my God!” I said again and Sirius was staring at me as if I’d suddenly grown another head.
“What?” He asked impatiently.
“It all makes sense! But... full moon!?!” I exclaimed and Sirius visibly paled.
“James said – full moon! Remus is a werewolf! Oh my God!” Sirius clapped a hand over my mouth and shushed me rather violently.
I heard a door slam.
Oh, he was still here... shit.
“Do you always have to fucking eavesdropped?” Sirius snapped. “Now look what you’ve done!”
“I didn’t mean to!” I exclaimed in panic. “I forgot he was here! I just...”
“Now he’s going to think you took it badly and hate him!” Sirius yelled sounding angry. He pulled back the curtains and stood up. For the first time I realised he was topless. I’d forgotten. I definitely had not forgotten now... “So?” Sirius prompted. I looked up at him in confusion. “So?!” Sirius said again louder.
“What?” I asked startled. Really – what was he after? Maybe he’d asked some question whilst I was marvelling in how brilliant he was half naked, but I didn’t think so. I wasn’t exactly hung over (I think I’d done that bit all last night) but it was still enough to make me very aware to noise, so I would have noticed even if I was concentrated more on how my saliva glands seemed to be working overtime, surely?
“You’re going to tell me how it doesn’t matter to you and how it doesn’t make an ounce of difference!” Sirius yelled. “Otherwise you can get the hell out right now!”
“Of course it doesn’t matter!” I exclaimed hurriedly (and truthfully). “Why would it matter? I was just... shocked.”
“Damn you and you’re stupid eavesdropping!” Sirius said punching Peter’s bed before shaking his hand. I guess it must have hurt a lot but he wasn’t about to admit that whilst I was here. That would be un-macho, right?
“You eavesdrop too!”
“Good job too otherwise I wouldn’t know you were dying!”
“I was going to tell you!”
“Like fuck you were!”
“I was!” I protested.
“Whatever.” Sirius said pressing his clenched fists against his forehead. “You’ll have to talk to him at lunch to undo the damage.”
“I didn’t mean too Sirius.” I said miserably as I watched the way he was pacing the dorm. Up and down. Up and down.
“You never mean to do anything, do you? You never meant to...” Sirius stopped suddenly and shook his head. “Sorry.” He said after a moment. “But Remus really never wanted anyone to know. We worked it out and we were all right with it, but no one else knows at all. He’s... sensitive about it.”
“I know where he’s coming from.” I said sitting back down on Sirius’s bed and pulling my knees in tight. “I had my secret after all.”
“Of course.” Sirius said sitting back down next to me and put his arm around me awkwardly.
“I don’t want to die.” I said honestly and Sirius didn’t say anything at all for a few seconds.
“I really don’t think I’ll be much good at making you feel better.” He finally said looking at me very intently before looking away again. I definitely recognised the expression. I looked down at my attire for a few seconds and realised that in sitting down and lifting up my knees Sirius’s T-shirt had risen up another inch and now didn’t cover half as much as it had before.
I stretched my legs out and pulled the T-shirt down again. Sirius’s eyes followed my movements. Who knew I had so much power? When in power, abuse, abuse, abuse.
I looked up at him through my eyelashes (ignoring how the light burnt my eyeballs slightly) and attempted a sort of pout which probably made me look like a fish that was halfway through the gutting process. I scrapped
“Kiss me.” the pout, after further thought, and instead settled for a half smile which I hoped gave me the innocent, but not too innocent, type of girl that you really can’t resist look. Sirius raised an eyebrow at me. I crossed my legs, to distract him from his train of though. He followed my movements and his gaze travelled right from the tips of my toes, up my body, and finished at my lips. I decided that it couldn’t be too hard. “Kiss me.” I instructed him.
“I really, really shouldn’t.” Sirius countered, sounding pained.
“Just kiss me; it’s not going to kill you!” I exclaimed and Sirius grabbed me roughly before doing exactly as I had instructed and kissing me fiercely.
“Wasn’t difficult now was it.” I said pulling away from him for a split second. He ignored my commented and pulled my closer. I’m pretty sure that the strength with which he was kissing me would leave my lips swallow and bruised but I really, really didn’t care. I wrapped my legs around his waist and ran my hands over his amazing shoulders.
I honestly never thought I’d be in this position again before I died.
This was different though because the main thing going through my head as he pulled the T-shirt over my head was that I loved him. I loved him so much and it felt good to be able to admit that, even if it was pretty much internally. It became some sort of internal mantra which I repeated in my head as he kissed me.
I love him. I love him. I love him.
Sometimes it’s good to embrace your inner sap right?
Then he started trying to undo my bra (for some reason I’d actually slept in a bra which was weird but I figured it was because I’d been too drunk to take it off or hadn’t want to be sleeping braless in Sirius’s bed – again) but for some reason he didn’t seem able to do it. The whole one-handed-removable-of-bra seemed to be a little beyond his capabilities (although he’d managed before and this wasn’t a particularly challenging bra if you asked me) so then he tried to do with both hands and... Failed. Wow, moment killer...
He dropped his hands and looked at me for a second (in the eye).
“We can’t do this.” We could. We really, really could. There was no point arguing with him. “I’m going to have a shower, then we’re going to talk properly.” He said and I nodded and looked at the bedcovers so I didn’t have to watch him walk away from me (a-bloody-gain).
I was blaming this on bras. Or maybe just this one. I’d burn it and never wear it again. If I could be bothered.
I reached towards my back and undid my bra myself. It took me around five seconds. Stupid Sirius and his stupid morals. I did the bra back up again (which took a little bit longer and was a lot more awkward) before pulling Sirius’s T-shirt over my head again.
I could hear the shower running now and decided not to think about the fact that Sirius was naked in there and instead decided to be productive and think about what was going to happen from here.
The outlook wasn’t looking good.
I decided to be unproductive and instead wrapped Sirius’s duvet around me and stared solemnly at the bed posts until the water stopped running again.
Then Sirius walked out all dripping wet and serious looking and I knew this conversation wasn’t going to be one I’d enjoy.
I gritted my teeth and mentally prepared myself for the vicious attack on my heart. Really, I wish I’d never started all this mushy love stuff because then it wouldn’t actually hurt so much. I had that stupid nervous feeling in my stomach and the combination of words from Sirius’s mouth was going to make it drop any second – I just knew it. I couldn’t breathe properly either because by heart was beating erratically in my chest and it hurt. It sodding hurt.
Or maybe that was just Ephaiyadaphia.
Sirius looked immensely guilty as he looked at me, but I could tell that he had made his mind up and I had no say in the matter. Even if I threw myself at him and started crying and begging him he’d stand firm in his resolve and stand there with his stupid emotionless mask. I didn’t blame him. I was finally beginning to see things from his point of view (even though I really really didn’t want to) but if this is what being in love (it still makes me cringe) feels like then I can see why he might want to avoid it.
The thing is, if he did actually love me then he wouldn’t care as long it made me happy. So there’s my proof, plain as day, that he really really doesn’t. Not at all.
“I need to explain,” Sirius began. I nodded. “About... Nadine.” He said and my throat closed in painfully and I felt my eyes welling up. I gritted my teeth and nodded again. “You weren’t supposed to find out but... I needed to get over you Mary! You said I could do whatever I needed to do, and I thought... I thought it might help. So when she kissed me I just... let her. Then when you pushed me off you yesterday I... I needed to do something! Then I ran into her and it just...”
“Fine.” I said crossing my arms. “I don’t want details thank you. I got a good enough look already.”
There was a long few seconds of silence whilst Sirius prepared himself for the second part of this lovely conversation (which has actually been even worse than the one when he broke up with me, because now all my cards were on the table and was still shoving them back in my face and using my heart as a trampoline). He took a deep breath and looked at me. “This isn’t working.”
“No.” I agreed clenching my fists at my side and cursing anyone who I could think of. It was true. This whole just-friend’s arrangement wasn’t working at all, but unless we were going back to our previous relationship it was the best option I could home for.
“This isn’t fair on you.”
“No.” I agreed again, because it was true. Not that I minded. As long as I got to spend as much time with him as possible I didn’t care if it left me even more screwed up than before.
“I think...” Sirius stopped and took in a deep breath. “I don’t think we should try to be friends. I want to help you and... I’m not. Remus knows now so he can help you instead.” Passing me on to someone else. Lovely. “I just... I need to sort my head out. Give me a week or two and we can come up with something better.”
“Sirius! It’s not like I have bags of time left.” I protested trying not to think about what his words fully meant until I was on my own and could cry until I died of dehydration or whatever.
“No.” Sirius agreed. “But right now this is the best I can do.”
“So that’s it? We’re not even friends?” I asked. I held my breath so that I breathed out it didn’t come out as a sob. I bit my lip unhappily and started punching my leg with my hand to give me something to do.
“No.” Sirius said looking fairly guilty and pained. “Just for a week.”
“A week.” I repeated. “Then what?”
Sirius shrugged unhappily. His mind was made up.
I sighed, looked at him for a second, before shaking my head and standing up. “Fine.” I said forcing myself to hold myself together until I left the room. A week. Seven days. I could manage that (well, not really but I didn’t have much a choice as things stood so I’d just deal with it for the time being).
I reached forward and hugged Sirius awkwardly (just in case the week stretched out to longer or I accidently died prematurely) before walking out the dormitory with my fists clenched. I was tempted to run back in there and mash my lips against his before he could stop me. I didn’t.
Stupid sodding Sirius Black.
I don’t know if you’ve ever attended lessons whilst hung over, but it is not a fun experience. Now, imagine attending a class hung over after your heart has been completely smashed into pieces which is, by now, common knowledge. Factor in the looks people are giving you which vary from sympathetic to gloating given that you know, full well, that you look like absolute shit because you spent most of the night throwing up/passed out/ drunkenly declaring that you’re in love with your ex who is now going to pretend you don’t exist. You could probably factor in the whole dying thing, along with another bunch of shit, but I doubt anyone would really understand the level of crapness that was my life anyway. So you might as well just forget it.
I had my head resting in my hands with my finger pressed against my forehead in an attempt to push away my headache. I was staring at McGonagall through my half open eyes and wondering vaguely if I should have put some make-up on, rather than just wiping off the mascara stains that were all over my face.
I didn’t stick out too much though, because all the sixth year Gryffindors looked like zombies. Lily, Alice, Frank and Peter looked the most hung over and tired. James just looked slightly more sleepy than normal. Remus was glancing at me every few seconds and looked bloody exhausted, but he looked that way so much of the time (given he is a werewolf?) that it wasn’t all that unusual.
Everyone else in the classroom had picked up the hung-over vibes and were making as much noise as possible to see how funny it was to watch us squirm which was simply lovely and exactly the behaviour I expected from them all.
“Where is Mr Black?” McGonagall asked casting an eye over the classroom and settling on his empty seat (which happened to be next to mine). That was the other thing. He hadn’t turned up to classes which meant people were talking a lot. They kept glancing at the empty seat next to mine, and then looking at me and whispering. My head hurt too much to deal with it. “Potter?” She asked looking towards James.
He turned his head up towards her and shrugged. “Haven’t seen him since this morning.”
Her lips thinned dramatically. “Longbottom? Lupin? Pettigrew?”
“Yes Professor.” Peter said without picking his head off the table where it was resting.
“What?” McGonagall snapped and Peter looked up at her in surprise.
“A...aren’t we doing the register?” He asked and McGonagall’s lips disappeared into her face.
“Miss McDonald, have you seen Mr Black this morning?” She asked. I looked up at the sound of my name and it made my head hurt.
“Yes.” I answered blearily. I didn’t have the bloody energy to lie but apparently this was the wrong thing to say, because now they were all shooting me dark looks and mouthing things at me that I couldn’t be asked to decipher.
“When?” McGonagall said, looking like she was about to start breathing fire and exploding all over the place. Like I gave a shit.
“Thirty minutes ago?” I suggested not even bothering to try and look less dead. There was no hope. How could I care about anything, really, when I felt so absolutely dead and with the absence of my heart in my chest? I couldn’t, not at all.
“Where?” She asked, breathing out fire from her nostrils.
“In his bed.” I answered which sent a wave of whispers around the classroom. It took me a few seconds to work out why they were all looking at me with their eyes on stalks, and why McGonagall was resembling a ticking bomb more with every second.
“What were you doing in the boy’s dormitory?” She asked.
I don’t know why I said it. I was pissed off, I felt crap, and anything that would shut the stupid idiots that were whispering like complete fools up was fine by me. So, instead of making up something about wanting to borrow one of his books or something I said, very sweetly, “Would you like a diagram?”
The silence was deafening. It was so absolute that I would have laughed if I hadn’t been so broken hearted and hung over. James was sending me a warning look which I took to mean ‘Abort! Abort!’ and I supposed I should probably, you know, do something to prevent the oncoming explosion.
“Miss McDonald.” McGonagall said sharply.
“I don’t fucking know where he is, okay!” I burst out. “He’s probably off somewhere being an arrogant twat, and I don’t know why you’re asking me anyway. Why don’t you ask Nadine? She’s probably seen a lot more of him than I have recently.” She flushed bright red but I was too bloody depressed to find it satisfying. It set the whispers off again, at any rate.
“Miss McDonald. Where is he?”
“I. Don’t. Know.” I spat angrily. She looked at me with a thin lipped glare before turning her attention back to the front of the class. She might have said something about a detention or point deduction but I honestly couldn’t give a flying fuck about that crap.
She then talked for half a decade before handing out things to transfigure. She didn’t bother giving anything to me and instead came and stood by my desk after everyone had started working.
“Are you okay, Mary?” She asked in what I assumed was supposed to be an attempt at a motherly voice. She did look concerned though, but then I did look like a complete sodding mess.
“Peachy.” I answered without even looking at her.
“Did you and Mr Black have a fight?” I might have found her concern about my life a little more touching if everyone wasn’t listening in on the conversation trying to dig up a little more gossip.
“No,” I said. “Why would you ever think that, Professor?”
“Because he is not here and you are a mess.” She said, bluntly. I wasn’t sure whether to admire her bluntness or hate her for it.
“I’m fine actually professor. I just didn’t get much sleep last night.” I told her innocently. Her nostrils flared. “I was up all night, actually professor – tossing, turning... Hey! Maybe Sirius had the same problem.” It was amazing how this was actually making me feel a little better. “I should have asked last time I saw him, but I had other things on my mind you see. I was slightly distracted because -” My marvellously crafted line was cut off by the door of the classroom opening to reveal, oh yes, Sirius bloody Black.
His normal cool demeanour was gone and looked utterly miserable. He had his arms folded over his chest (something he never did) and seemed to have shrunk back into himself. “Sorry Professor,” He said quietly and handed her a note. McGonagall looked taken aback but nodded anyway. Then Sirius sat down at the front on the only other spare seat (next to a Slytherin) and started working.
True to form, he didn’t even look at me. God what a bastard.
His reappearance into the world sent another wave of whispers around the classroom and I’m ashamed to say that as I watched him scribble down some notes of the board a couple of tears slid down my makeup less cheeks but I’m sure, considering I had no makeup on to smudge, that no one had noticed. After a couple of minutes at staring at the back of his head I buried my face in my arms and decided to sleep for the rest of the lesson.
“All the Gryffindors stay behind.” McGonagall instructed as everyone else left the classroom to go to potions which I’m sure will be thrilling. She stared round at all of us with her arms folded and her lips thinned – there had been a lot more comments about alcohol, hangovers, throwing up, and such for the rest of the lesson and obviously McGonagall had picked up on the whole shindig . “I don’t know what happened last night.” McGonagall said with her arms folded. “But it is not acceptable at Hogwarts. Alcohol is strictly forbidden for those -”
“But I’m of age professor!” Pete declared and James hit him. Everyone groaned and sent glares at him. Bad move Peter. I was still a little too tried to care much about our punishment (given I could probably get out of it anyway by pulling the ‘I’m dying’ card) I was concentrating more on the way Sirius was sat with his shoulders hunched taking the punishment wordlessly.
“However Miss Evans, Miss McDonald, Miss Prewett, Mr Black, Mr Looping, Mr Potter and Mr Longbottom are not.”
“Actually, I am.” James said flashing McGonagall a winning grin which didn’t impress her very much.
Then began the tirade of punishments which I’m sure included detentions and the loss of many points from the way they were all looking like they’d been forced to swallow several acid pops. James cried ‘but we’ll miss Quidditch!’ a couple of times but otherwise didn’t seem to care less. Eventually her ramble was over and we all headed out together, chatting a little too excitedly in my opinion about whose fault the whole punishment thing was.
“If you hadn’t yelled ‘I’m never drinking fire whiskey again!’ at the top of your voice then she wouldn’t have deducted so many points!”
“Come on, if you hadn’t pretended to still be drunk -”
“You dared me!”
“Well you dared me to -”
“Well, if Mary hadn’t offered to draw McGonagall of what she was doing in the boy’s dormitory then she wouldn’t have been in such a bad mood.” Lily interrupted, looking at me pointedly. I stared at the floor so I didn’t have to take in Sirius’s reaction to this.
“Yeah.” Pete agreed.
“Oh come on, you’ve got to admit it was worth it for the comedic value.” James said, nudging me with his elbow. “I’ve never seen her go so white!”
“Still, you didn’t have to swear at her.” Alice said reasonably.
“Or go on about tossing and turning.” Frank added.
“Or tell her to ask Nadine.” Pete put in. How awkward does that boy have to be? Seriously. There were a few minutes of complete silence which was so deep I could have drowned in it. I wanted to drown in it too.
“Although, I’m still curious,” James said breaking the silence. “Why were you distracted?”
“I was going to go a bit more graphic after that bit.” I said in a small voice. “Start talking about how the showers weren’t really designed for two people and the like.”
“Now that,” James said, “Would have been bloody hilarious, pity we missed it.”
“You’d have missed the points more.”
“Actually, Mary, you didn’t lose us any points.” Remus said.
“Even though you basically told her you and Sirius had been up their shagging all morning.” James said. Again I made sure that I didn’t look around to see how Sirius was taking the comment and instead kept my eyes fixed in the general direction of the floor.
“She knew I was lying,” I said. “She knew I was just in a bad mood because, well... I don’t know if you realised this guys but I may have drank a little bit too much last night.”
“Light weight.” James commented before stopping suddenly. “Where’s Sirius?”
I sucked in a deep breath and hoped that, given he’d been absent, he’d been absent for the entire conversation.
“I... ermm... Well, we erm... decided not to be friends anymore so I guess he’s exercising not being friends by, well, avoiding me.” Suddenly everyone was looking at me piteously. “So, I should go.”
“You don’t have to go.” James said which I suppose was quite nice of him.
“Well, all of you hate me.”
“We don’t hate you.” He said with a puzzled frown.
“Well you don’t exactly like me either and there’s no reason you should forgive me just because I said a bunch of crap I didn’t mean whilst out of my mind drunk.” I said, putting my hands in the pocket of my robes and shrugging at them. “So go find Sirius.” James nodded, still looking at me with that sympathetic look on his face. “And could you not mention what I said, I... I don’t think he’d want to hear it.”
“Of course, Mary.” Remus said. I realised this was the first time I’d spoken to him since I’d found out his secret.
“Thanks,” I said looking at him straight in the eye. “You’re a good person, Remus.” I said hoping that would be enough to convey the fact that I didn’t care that he was a werewolf in the slightest. He smiled.
“So what are you and Sirius now?” Lily asked speaking up and looking straight at me for the first time in what felt like forever.
“We’re just not.”
“But...” Lily’s green gaze wavered slightly. “But you love him.”
“No, I...” I stopped, unable to deny it. It would be pointless... They all knew now. “I’m going to go lie down.” I finished. “I’m tired.”
Then I turned around and headed back towards the Gryffindor tower for some well earned sleep.
A/N - Sooo.... what do you think? This really didn't take as long as I thought it would... I'll have to write a couple more chapters to distract myself from the prospect of results days instead ;) Wish me luck! Although the queue time means I'll have them by the time you read this... but... never mind eh! Please review :)
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