Chapter 192 : The Bravest Coward
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It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to live. I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to have her. And him. But it never happens as it's supposed to, does it?
Instead of spending my life with Lily Evans, I spent my entire existence as a spy, a thief, a liar. I was hated. But I deserved it. It's my fault she's dead. My fault she's gone. And she never knew how much--
But perhaps he will know. Perhaps, he will forgive me for the things I do not deserve forgiveness from.
But even as the blood seeped through my neck and Voldemort's cloak disappeared behind the door way, I knew it was impossible. Even with those memories in his hand, I will always remain a coward. I risked my life every day that I lived, but still a coward. Because I couldn't tell her. Because I wouldn't fight for her. Because I could never tell him that I didn't hate him. I didn't blame him. I wanted to love him. He was hers, and anything that was hers I wanted to love.
He could have been mine.
A coward. That's all I will ever be.
I miss you, Lily. Can't you see that? I love you. I'm sorry I never told you. I'm sorry I was too afraid. I'm sorry I will never get the chance to truly tell you.
"Severus." The voice of an angel--her voice. "Sev, I'm here. It's alright."
No, nothing is alright. Nothing will ever be alright.
"I forgive you, you know." I could see her smile now, gentle as I always remembered. "I forgave you a long time ago."
I don't deserve to be forgiven.
"No one deserves forgiveness." Red locks danced around her face, emerald eyes shining. They were looking at me and they were shining. "But it doesn't matter anymore, does it?" She laughed, melodious. "I never could stay mad at you."
She was even more beautiful than I remembered.
"Where am I?" I choked out, unsure if I could speak. Did the snake pierce my vocal chords? Though it did not seem that speaking was necessary. Even in life she'd been able to read my mind like a book.
"Everywhere." She shrugged. "No where. You're safe now."
Safe? The battle, was it over? Did we win?
"Oh yes," she cheered. "We won."
"Is he...is he alive?"
"Alive and well." A new sort of spark filled her eyes as she spoke about her son. A spark of life and love. A spark only a mother could have for her child. "He was so brave."
Brave. Of course, she would love her brave son. But I? I am the coward. She would never love me. Even in death, even in paradise I've lost everything I ever wanted. I've lost it all. Because I was a coward.
"You know," I could feel her next to me now, the soft touch of her hand on mine, "he's going to name his son after you."
"Why would he do something ridiculous like that?" I spat, unable to control myself, unable to believe.
"Because Severus Snape, you're the bravest man he ever knew."
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