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Chapter 14 : While I Was Sleeping
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The next day I didn’t wake up. It’s not like I was unconscious or dead it’s just the fact that to ‘wake up’ I would have had to gone to go to sleep. Which despite my desperate attempts to do so never seemed to work. So for hours I just tossed and turned until I could take it anymore. It was six o’clock in the morning. If I hadn’t fallen asleep before then there was no way I was going to fall asleep now. I grabbed the box of letters from under my bed and went downstairs with them. My hair was tied back with my bangs hanging in my face. I sat on the moonlit couch by the window and spilled out the letters onto my lap as I tucked my heels under my butt. I pulled out the next letter I hadn’t read with interest.
I couldn’t stop myself…I did it…I kissed him. From the moment he walked into the room until the moment I pressed my lips onto his I felt like I was in some sort of trance. It wasn’t just physical either. Yes my body was satisfied that my need to snog him was finally clenched. See to understand the emotional difference between this kiss and any other I’d have to compare it to my first kiss. It was with Alec Cabot. We were thirteen and it lasted about three second as it was just a bet with his friend’s that he could kiss me. His kiss was dry, lifeless, mechanical and I wanted nothing more than to forget it. That kiss meant nothing. There was nothing behind it. Kissing James was like licking the end of an electric wire because I meant it. I liked him. I licked his choky laugh. I liked the way his crazy hair fell into his eyes. I liked the way he grinned and blushed when he was nervous. I liked the way he knew everything about transfiguration there was to know. I liked the way he was almost psychotically obsessed with Quidditch. I liked the way he’d always looked at me. So when he walked into the common room and started talking to me about something I stared at him. He asked me if I was okay and put his hand on my shoulder. I didn’t respond but as I looked up our eyes fixed on each other. His hazel eyes were so intoxicating. I could see from his expression that he sensed that the atmosphere had changed between us. He moved forward just a few inches to tell me what he wanted and I seized the opportunity to take it. His lips, so soft and so strong made my knees weak like I’d always wanted a kiss to. James…oh how I love to say his name now…didn’t take long to pull me in closer and deepen the kiss. I was so blissfully happy. Then he pulled away and smiled making it contagious. He rested his forehead on mine and told me that he loved me. I didn’t say it back. I wasn’t ready so I just kissed him.
We went on our first date. It was so fun. I wore a blonde wig and he put in colored contacts for disguises because we both knew my hair and his glasses would be the first thing that would make us stand out. We went into all kinds of shops I’d never ventured into before. He’d hold my hand and tell me all the outrageous stories about things him, Remus, Sirius and Peter had done in the name of fun. I laughed at the tales but I was more excited about how it felt to feel his warm callused hand wrapped around my tiny pale one. We ate in the back of the three broomsticks and spent hours in there just talking. It wasn’t like any other date I’d ever been on. Then again no other date required such measures. While my friends sat at the castle studying for the charms mid semester final I was laughing at Hogsmede with a boy I’d come to know well. It had been a month since I had first dared to kiss him and I didn’t regret it one bit because any time I looked at him I knew I had done the right thing.
Percy Jackson asked me out. I felt horrible telling him no so I went on a date with him. I thought it would be cut and dry you know? We go out to eat, talk and he walks me back to my dorm. Then I would tell him the next day that I just wanted to be friends. I was too stupid to think he might try and kiss me. I hadn’t told James about the plan beforehand but I had seen him on dozens of fake dates since we actually started dating so I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. The difference is that he never kisses the girl’s he’s with. But then again I don’t feel bad because I didn’t kiss Percy, he kissed me. I tried to avoid it but he was keen on making it a big display for some reason and then as I was pushing him off James come out of nowhere and punches him in the face. I was furious. Percy didn’t know I was taken and It was my fault. James had no right to hit Percy. This was his decision. He chose to keep us a secret so his parent’s wouldn’t try and force us apart. Now everyone knows and he’ll have to decide what’s more important. Being in his parent’s good graces or tell them the truth.
Sirius said Mr. and Mrs. Potter are good people but after what Mrs. Potter said to me…She asked for me to come over! So she could meet James’s girlfriend and what does she do? She goes for my throat by saying that this is a ‘silly phase’ because James can’t POSSIBLY be serious about me because then he would be picking a side boldly against Voldemort. I felt so stupid. I had walked right into it! Against my better judgment! Against everything screaming in me not to go to his parent’s house I decided to listen to James and do as he asked but…The thing is Mrs. Potter is right. If we did get serious then we would be going against Voldemort because his whole campaign is based upon getting rid of people like me and anyone who might defend me. Someone like James…I know I should sleep and think about this but I just can’t. Mrs. Potter is a bitch for attacking me but …I can’t help feeling selfish. Maybe I should end this before it becomes too complicated for us to get out…I hate the thought of leaving him. To never feel his touch or hear his voice. To never smell his cologne or see him smile at me…But the problem is I love him and If I want him to be safe. If I really…cared about him I would give him up. I just don’t know how I’m going to do that. The thought of not being with him is just..I can’t see it. What if he is better off?...
...I have to do it. I’ve made up my mind. I’m not good for him. I’ll just tell him and I’ll burn everything he ever gave me so I can just…Move on…The only thing I can’t seem to destroy is this picture. I just…I will stop crying. I will because this is better for James and I love him so I have to get him up. I have to. But I’ll leave this picture with this letter. So someday I can look back and say that I had loved. Deeply…I just didn’t want to be the death of him.
There were more letters but I could bring myself to read anymore. My eyes were fuzzy and my energy was down. I needed sleep so badly that I just pushed the box onto the floor and snapped my eyelids shut. It worked…for two hours I fell to sleep but unfortunately for me I went into REM which meant I went straight into nightmares.
I was standing near a lake and I put my foot in it. As soon as I did the lake rose up to drown me. I rushed to the dry desert but after gathering myself I looked back at the lake and saw it was farther away. I walked over and this time braced myself. I dived in only to dive face first into more desert sand. A raven appeared on a tree I had not seen before.
The raven looked at me and sighed, “It was a mirage.”
I glared at the bird furiously, “But I felt it!”
The raven shook its little head. “You should forget it.” I moved closer to the raven.
“What if I can’t?”
The raven frowned, “Then you asked for this.”
And suddenly I was dangling off the edge of a cliff screaming for help but all I heard were echoes of my own screaming in the cannons below. The Raven reappeared and with a trusting smile he said, “Fall.” I don’t know why but I listened. It made no sense but i did. And I fell into a pit of nothingness.
I woke to someone shaking me. When I sat up I was surprised to find Livi doing the shaking. “You okay?”
I let out a clogged, sharp breath. “Yeah..Just,” I wiped my face and sat up groggily. “Bad dream.” I looked down and saw the box was on the floor neatly moved to the side and I had a blanket covering me. “How long have I been out?”
“How should I know?” She scoffed pulling me up to my feet. “I just got here.”
I inhaled sharply and looked around the room confused. “Then who covered me with the blanket?”
“Hell it could have been a house elf for all it matters…” She told me uncaringly, “More importantly I have a date for Hogsmede so I wanted to see if it was cool with you if I bowed out tonight.”
I nodded offhandedly. “Yeah…It’s fine with me.”
“Okay…” She looked at my pajamas. “You might want to go get ready, breakfast started twenty minutes ago.”
I grabbed the box and went up the stairs in haze. I set the box down and changed to my uniform sleepily. It took a few minutes but I managed to brush my teeth, wash my face, brush my hair and get toothpaste all over my tie. I grabbed my bag off my floor with a defeated sigh. Another day of seemingly endless classes and droning teachers….Hesitating in the doorway I went back and looked in the box. All the letters were in there, even in the correct order but now I found… more letters. They had a different handwriting, used a different ink colors and even had a different type of parchment. Puzzled I reached for them.
“ROSE! HURRY IT UP WOULD YA?!”
“YEAH!” I called stuffing the new letters into my bag, stuffing the box under my bed and going down the stairs. “Coming!”
Three hours later I sat in the library surrounded by books and parchment. Annabella was almost through the whole healer handbook and it wasn’t even the end of October yet. I knew she’d make a good healer and at the rate she was going she will memorize the whole book. Making a quiz up for her while she read through a few passages.
“Ugh!” Annabella groaned hitting her face on the book. “I’m never going to remember any of this!”
I rubbed her arm. “Anna you’ll fine. We are studying six months before the entrance exam. You’ve got this.”
“I just….I’m sick of studying….” She shifted upward and sighed.
“Relax tomorrow you will have the whole day to relax and let off some stress.”
She smiled weakly. “That will be nice.”
“Just think of that whenever you get annoyed.”
“Yeah…I don’t know if I want to go to Hogsmede tonight…” She admitted sheepishly.
I put down my quill, “What’s up?”
“I just…Never mind…” Annabella shifted in her seat uncomfortably.
“Just say it.”
“Well…I feel like you Livi and Leighton are getting to be such great friends and I just…don’t fit.”
I weakened seeing her blue eyes looking so miserable. “What do you mean honey?”
“Like…I don’t like to go out and party…I’m just not like that.”
“Honey, we know that. I’m sorry if we’ve made you feel like …” I stopped and restarted. “What do you want to do?”
She smiled gawkily. “Just …hang out…with just the four of us.”
“Okay, I’d be happy to do that.”
“You want to? How about tonight? Oh wait." She stopped blushing.
I gave her a look. "What? I don't have any plans."
"I thought you were going out with Zack.”
I blinked at her blankly. “What?”
“Oh…I…” She dropped her gaze. “Leighton said something about him thinking about asking you to go with him tonight.”
“Well he hasn’t but if he did I’d have to tell him too bad because I already have a date.” I gave her a smile. “Though I can’t speak for Leighton and Merlin knows Livi’s had some offers.”
“I’m surprised though…”
I let out a laugh. “You’re surprised that guys are after Livi? They’ve been after ever since first year....”
“No,” She let out a feminine little chuckle, “I’m surprised that more guys haven’t been after you.”
My eyebrows rose, “Me?”
“Yeah you. You’re one of the prettiest and smartest girls in school…It’s just strange to me.”
I flashed her an embarrassed smile as my face flushed. “Honestly I’m a bitch to most guys…”
“I doubt that.”
“Yeah well you wouldn’t be the one that would have to put up with me.” I teased her easily and handing her a practice quiz.
She took it and frowned. “What if I don’t remember any of it?”
I pushed her shoulder lightly. “You are so pessimistic! Just take the damn quiz so we can go to the kitchens and get some ice cream.”
She smirked and started writing.
I leaned back in my chair and let my eyes close. Time was wearing on me. I hadn’t slept in awhile and my eyes were getting heavy but it was still, remarkably, only Friday. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and watched as she worked dedicatedly. She was so deep in thought that she didn’t notice that when she was particularly stumped she would twirl a piece of spare hair between her fingers. I snorted and smiled. She was adorable. I wondered why no boys had bothered to take the time to notice that. Then I remembered. Boys are dumb. I glanced around the library, just because when I saw Hayden James peek over from behind his history book at our table. My excitement rose when he didn’t see me looking because he was too busy starring at Annabella. My heart, still tender and bleeding leapt ever so faintly at the scene before me. If I just gave the situation the slightest nudge maybe he could bring her out of her shell…even if it was just a bit.
“Hey, I’ll be right back okay?”
She nodded studiously. It was almost as if she was giving me permission… I could be reaching but that was enough to justify it in my head. So I walked over to Hayden with a smile. Physically he was a tall seventeen year old boy with a lanky figure, shaggy dark brown hair and coffee colored eyes. Information wise I knew he was on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team (he was a seeker like me), he had a wheaten terrier named Snickerdoodle and he was very good-natured. I knew this because even though we were on different teams and our very positions were rivals he was always a gentlemen about things. Yes he would try to get the snitch but he would never get as violent as the other guys would and he always shook my hand at the end of the game, win or lose, to tell me good game. Now I like to think of myself as a good sport but even I usually don’t go that far. Which says a lot about his character I think. Annabella sounded perfect for him. The daughter of two book historians and proud owner of a orange tabby cat named Felix she always just seemed to be waiting for her prince like she was a princess from a far away land. Maybe I’m being silly but to me it seemed like they would fit. A little test would solve this…
“Hey Hayden!” I addressed him lightly sitting in the seat next to him.
He grinned at me. “Hey Rose. You ready for next week?”
“Only if you are.”
“I don’t know. You beat me up pretty bad last time.” He joked easily.
I pushed his arm gently. “I’ll try and take it easy on you.”
“Thanks so much!”
“So…Mind if I’m blunt?”
He furrowed his eyebrows boyishly. “About what?”
I gestured to Annabella.
A deep blush spread across his tan face. “Oh …um-“
“I’m not here to tease you. Hayden,” I told him simply, “I just think if you like her you should tell her.”
“Oh well. I’m sure she likes someone e-“
I gave him a fierce look. “Hayden,” I stopped and raised my hands in effect, “And I mean this in the kindness and most caring way…Grow a pair.”
“It’s not that easy. You’ve never had to do it.” He told him with a soft edge of defensiveness.
“Yeah but you’ve never had to wait for it either,” I reasoned, “It’s just as bad on the other side believe me…You never know if he’s going to do or if he’s going to just give up and decide you’re not worth his pride.”
Hayden looked back at Annabella his lips curling inwards in anxiousness. “…Do you think she’d say yes?”
“You’ll never know if you never try.” I told him cryptically before winking and going back to my table.
“How are you doing girlie?”
She held up a finger silently asking for a minute of patience prior to handing me the sheet of parchment. “Okay…grade it.”
I looked over her quiz for a few moments and gave her a smile. “You aced it!”
Annabella let out a deep sigh of relief before grinning ear to ear. “Good!”
“Hey what do you think of Hayden James? I think he’s kind of a jerk.” I lied easily.
She looked almost personally insulted by this. “Really? I’ve always liked him. He’s always been …sweet to me.”
“Well…I mean all the girls say he’s cute. I personally don’t see it at all. What do you think?” I spat cynically.
“I think he’s …” Her voice dropped as her cheeks turned crimson. “Good looking actually.”
On the inside I was laughing but instead I shrugged. “You’re entitled to your own opinion I suppose…I have to get something from my dorm. Mind going to the kitchen’s later on?”
“No, that’s fine.”
“See you later.” I told her grabbing my things and hiding behind a bookshelf sneakily.
I saw Hayden walk over. He looked nervous as hell and I couldn’t help but swoon at it. Annabella didn’t see him coming she was putting away her books and quills when some spilled onto the floor. This scene had been written in many story and sung in many songs but it was different seeing it up close. I could see all the elements falling together and I loved it. He picked bent down and helped pick up her books. She looked up, but her vision was blocked by her fallen bangs. So he, as if he sensed the cue instinctively, swept her hair back behind her ear and grabbed the rest of her books. She starred up at him and their eyes locked. They rose to their feet and she hurried to put her books in her bag.
“Thank you,” She told him timidly.
He smiled hesitantly and said, “Annabella…would you…I mean would you mind going on a date with me?”
She was flabbergasted but before she could stop herself she breathed out a quiet, “Yes.”
“I know you probably have plans for Hogsmede already…but is there any way we could hang out for a bit during it?”
I walked over quickly with a innocent, clueless face on. “Oh sorry,” I grabbed a quill they had missed of the floor and claimed it. “Forgot my lucky quill...” I turned to Annabella, “Sorry about cancelling on you tonight but I really need some sleep,” I smiled at Hayden obliviously, “Hey Hayden!” I beamed walking away happily.
It took a few minutes before I realized where my feet were taking me. It would hurt but I knew, even subconsciously, that I had waited long enough. Charlie was sitting up when I came in. Her hair was back in a ponytail and she had been cleaned up a bit but not enough. The blood was gone but in its absence horrifying bruises lined the surface of her skin but …in spite of this she looked up at me with her honey gold eyes and smiled.
I sat in the chair across from her, “Hey.”
“It wasn’t Clyde.” She told me quickly closing her eyes, “I mean…I can’t explain it…I remember him being there but …He wasn’t the one who beat me…I just know he didn’t…I remember, the man who beat me had the weird scar on his neck.”
At first I didn’t believe her. I thought maybe she was just out of it but her face was certain so I trusted her instincts. “What kind of scar?”
She shook her head weakly. “I…I can see it…but I just can’t seem…to describe it.” Charlie let out a heavy breath. “I know I’m not making any sense…”
“Charlie,” I put my hand on her shoulder. “Just lay down and rest. You’ve been through hell…”
“Yeah well. You look worse than I do.”
I laughed bitterly. “Thanks.”
“Well come on Rose. What’s been going on with you? You look like you haven’t slept in a week.”
I shrugged. “Just normal stress…stuff.”
“Okay,” She replied condescendingly as her eyes narrowed at me in disbelief. “So are you going with anyone to Hogsmede?”
“No. I’m either hanging out with Leighton just stay in my dorm since Madame Promfrey felt the need to outline your visiting hours to Livi.”
Charlie looked amused. “Poor Madame Promfrey. She’s nearly a hundred and she had to deal with the wrath of Livi.”
“Yeah,” I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “So when did Promfrey say we can bust you out of here?”
“She said it depends on how long my body takes to heal,” Her voice was getting raspy and her eyes were lowering the more she spoke. She needed sleep.
I gave her a smile and stood up. “Well I’m about to be late for class…I’ll check on you tomorrow okay?”
She nodded. “Have fun tonight.”
“You want anything from Honeydukes?”
“Pink Coconut Ice please.”
I grinned at her, “Will do,” and left.
I didn’t have a class for another hour and a half but I didn’t feel bad about lying to Charlie. I was glad I saw her but she needed her sleep. The only way she was going to feel better was if she got some sleep. I was about to go into the hallway when I saw Leighton making out with Tyler. They weren’t eating each other’s faces off like most couples. It was more gentle pecks. It was sweet and made me swoon slightly. It wasn’t that she was snogging Tyler but the way they were kissing said that it wasn’t a small fling. I turned around and went out the back entrance to the Quidditch pitch. It was around 40 degrees outside and with the wind blowing I knew that dropped the temperature down a few degrees. I pulled my robes around me tightly and walked faster until I was in the stands. I sat at the very top and looked out onto the field. I wasn’t really jealous. I’m glad Tyler and Leighton have decided to date just like I’m glad Hayden and Annabella have come to the same decision. It’s just that without a wing woman…Hogsmede doesn’t seem so fun. Who wants to walk around the shops by themselves? How pathetic and lonely does that seem?
Leaning back and stretching out my legs I pulled out the letters started reading. The handwriting was more cramped and messier, more manly.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for my mother. I’m sorry for society and most importantly I’m sorry you feel the need to fall into everyone’s expectations of what is right and let go of us. But I have news for you. I’m not letting go of you. I knew what I was getting myself into 1st year the minute I saw your fiery tameless head of hair and I refuse to give you up. I’m sorry but I did not chase you for all this time to lose you. I want you and I’m not giving you up. Come back to me Lily.
My sentimental side soared at how determined and sweet he was. I flipped the letter under the stack to the next letter.
Please talk to me. I know what’s going through your head and you know what I say to it? Fuck it all. Sirius is right about my parent’s they mean well. They don’t want me to be hurt but you know what Lily? It’s my choice to make and I choose you! I wish you could see my side but as always your fierce stubbornness gets the better of you. I will wait until you realize that I’m not going anywhere.
I looked through to see if there were more letters like this but only found five more. I skipped ahead to the last one.
I’ve written you dozens of letters but after awhile they’ve been returned. I thought if I sent you one through Alice you might actually read this instead of throwing them away or whatever you’ve been doing with them. Here’s the thing, I’m not giving up, I’m just finally letting go. You want out fine. We dated for five months and we’ve been apart for three. What I’m realizing is that if I feel the way I do the noble thing to do is to let go of you and respect your wishes. It’s been impossible to think of a day where I can’t see you or hear your voice but you’ve made your decision and I just have one thing left to say.
I love you.
I’ve always loved you and I always will love you. And I hope you will change your mind. If you don’t I will understand but understand this. No matter how many days, months, years, minutes, seconds separate us. I mean it when I say I love you. I love you Lillian Rose Evans and…I wish you felt the same.
But she did. Tears lingered in my eyes as I realized exactly how it must have played out. Lily was just try to do what she thought was right but she didn’t see was that James didn’t care about blood status or the consequences of his decisions because he was too hopelessly in love with her to care. If I didn’t know how the story ended I’d feel sorry for James but I did know how the story ended. My uncle was the end result and that meant that Lily must have thrown her senses out the window and just gone with what her heart knew to be true. Silently I wished I could do the same thing. Because my problem wasn’t that I was going to Hogsmede stag or that all my friends had dates. No my problem was the boy I wanted had been treating me like a disease ever since he told me he didn’t want me. I wished I good believe it. There was just something off. Why would he feel one way about me and then completely change his feelings just a few short hours later? I wish I knew but there was no way I’d grow the courage to ask him. I could have just been grasping aimlessly for somekind of hope that didn’t exist but I couldn’t bring myself to accept that just yet. Though I was pretty numb and hollow on the inside there still was a flicker of hope lingering in there. Thinking maybe it was all a misunderstanding and he's appologize and come back to me. Even at my most hopefull i knew him well enough to know that would never happen. Once he made a decision he stuck by it.
A loud whistle of wind echoed through the empty Quidditch pitch as I stored the letters back in my bag. I watched as the little house flags waved in the wind and let out a soothing breath before seeing an owl headed right for me. I furrowed my eyebrows as it dropped a letter into my hands.
Please come to my office before your next class.
Rising from my seat I tossed my bag over my shoulder and began the long walk for the Headmaster’s office with a frown and a sigh.
Song in the Summary is Goodnight, Goodnight By: Maroon 5. THANK YOU FOR READING! I hope you guys liked this chapter. I didn't get a lot of reviews on the last one so i'm assuming it wasn't that great. I hope this one is better recieved. PLEASE REVIEW! It would really help me to know what you guys think and want from this!