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Laugh it Off by ValFish
Chapter 5 : Sabotage
 
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 5


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Today was Tuesday, four days away from being Friday, and one hour away from being lunch time. And of course, since I was so hungry I could pass out, my last class just had to be potions.

“Miss DeLestrade, I think that you and Miss Collins are not a good match after all, I’m afraid,” Professor Slughorn said, looking at me and Alice, as well as our potion from last class that had now sprouted teeth and was gnawing at the cork in it’s bottle.

I wasn’t about to argue with that, considering that at any moment our assignment could potentially break loose and kill everyone in the room. Although having thought about it, Marlene did look like she could use a haircut…

“I’ll switch with Alice,” Remus offered casually from behind me. “Unless you have a better recommendation, sir.”

This was one of the plus sides to the whole sabotage plot. Remus was basically the smartest chap in year six, so if he opted to be my partner, I reckoned that I could probably expect wonderful marks for as long as this lasted.

“No, that’s perfect. Miss Evans, you’ll be with Miss Collins, then and Mr. Lupin and Miss DeLestrade can work together. Now, today we’ll be brewing…” Slughorn continued as I zoned out and took my seat next to Remus.

“Thanks,” I whispered, “But do we really have to sit in the second row? Potions is when I take my nap.”

Remus chuckled beside me, but didn’t bother moving. “I think you’ll live, Elsa. And maybe if you spent the class working you and Alice wouldn’t be skating just above the Troll mark.”

“Well at least I’m trying to work with the plan. You’re lousy at this flirting thing, you know that?” I hissed back, all while trying to adjust my pile of books to the best height to sleep on.

“You’re not so hot yourself. Now pay attention,” Remus retaliated, turning his attention back to Slughorn.

Why couldn’t Sirius be my fake soon-to-be boyfriend?

Oh wait, he couldn’t be since he’s sitting in the back corner snogging Mary.

Damn it.

I kicked Remus in the shin, since he apparently didn’t understand the concept of ‘psst’.

“Ouch,” he grumbled. “What?”

I nodded in the direction of the back of the classroom.

Remus tensed beside me. “What are we supposed to do?” he asked in a hushed voice.

I thought for a moment.

Remus thought for a moment.

Nothing.

Great.

Just great.


“Sirius, Mary, if you two would be so kind as to not snog at the table, I’m trying to eat,” James said, sighing as he turned away from Sirius and Mary who were very involved with each other at the moment.

“For once, I agree with Potter,” Lily added, aiming a kick at Sirius under the table.

I was too busy concentrating on not hexing Mary into oblivion to bother with stupid retaliations to the fact that Lily had not, in fact, kicked Sirius, but had nailed me pretty hard in the knee.

Ah, well, sometimes I just have to tough it out.

“Lily, damn it, will you stop kicking me?”

Or not.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, clearly embarrassed.

Poor Remus was hunched over Peter Pettigrew’s homework, furiously scribbling away, trying to distract himself from the lovely couple.

I hate to say it, but I liked it better when Sirius was dating Marlene. At least then they were at the other end of the table.

After Sirius and Mary got a little too loud, I decided I was done with this and flicked some mash into Sirius’ hair.

This, of course, had the desired effect and the two quickly broke apart as Sirius ran a hand through his normally pristine locks. Which were, to his credit, quite gorgeous, but now contaminated with my lunch.

“James! What’d you do that for? Come on, Mary,” Sirius grumbled, taking Mary’s hand and leaving the table.

James looked outraged.

“Sirius! That wasn’t me, I swear!” James called after the retreating form of his best friend to no avail. “Elsa, while I appreciate the gesture, I’m disappointed I didn’t think of that myself.”

I shrugged. “I’m sure you would have thought of it eventually, love.”

James sighed. “I think I’m losing my touch.”

“I don’t think you had any touch to begin with, Potter,” Lily said, getting up from the table. “I’ll see you later, Elsa.”

“Bye Lily,” I said automatically.

“Goodbye, Lils. Hey, where’s smart-ass number two?” James asked, referring to Alice, who was indeed absent from the table.

So observant, that one is.

“With Frank Longbottom,” I sighed. “Apparently they had a ‘date’.”

James grinned.

Now, most people would run away at this point, because whenever James Potter grinned like that, it meant trouble.

I reckoned that if something was going to do potential damage to me, it would have done so by now. So I stayed put.

“I think Remus and I have some business to attend to,” James said, still smiling mischievously. “Come on, Moony, we’re going to the library.”

“That’s a first,” Remus mumbled, closing the textbook and handing it back to Peter, who continued to eat without looking up from his mountain of food.

“See you in Defense,” James called as he and Remus left the Great Hall, leaving me with Peter.

Thanks, guys.


“So Elsa, do you maybe want to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?” Remus asked as he, James, Alice, Lily and to my displeasure, Sirus and Mary, and I ate dinner.

“Oi! What about the-?”

Lily kicked James under the table, with much better aim than previously.

“Ouch, Lils. Hey, will you kiss it and make it better?” James said, batting his eyelashes in a rather girly manner.

Lily rolled her eyes and continued to eat.

I think he’s growing on her.

Back to the question.

“Sure, I’d love to,” I answered Remus, who smiled.

I’d have to thank him later.

To be perfectly honest, we were both God-awful at the flirting thing. So now we could skip that, for the most part, and Sirius and Mary were both witnesses.

Wonderful.

“So Alice, I hear you and Frank Longbottom are going out now,” James said casually.

Alice picked up her goblet calmly, and right as she was about to take a sip, poured the contents onto James’ head, promptly got up from the table and left the Hall.

“Don’t worry, we’ll find her,” Lily said, patting James’ head. “And I’m sure your beloved hair will dry.”

“But probably not!” I added on our way out as James sat there, dumbfounded.

I do love to mess with people.

Lily and I semi-jogged to catch up with Alice, who, from what had just transpired, was apparently having boy troubles, which called for some girl time.

“Alice!” Lily called as she finally came into sight. “What happened?”

Alice bit her lip. “He-he-“

Poor thing dissolved into tears before she could finish the sentence.

Lily put an arm around her and we walked back up the common room, pausing only for the Fat Lady, and on to our dorm.

“What happened, Al?” I asked, sarcastic tone gone.

Alice, who was now sniffling, sat down on her bed. “I saw Frank snogging someone before dinner,” she said, looking at her fingernails.

“Who?” Lily inquired, taking a seat on the opposite bed.

Alice mumbled something inaudible.

“Speak up, love,” Lily said gently.

“Marlene McKinnon,” Alice repeated in a bitter tone. “Marlene bloody McKinnon.”

“That bitch!”

Lily Evans just swore.

I need a quill and parchment to document this.

“You were too good for him anyway,” I said, already racing in my mind to find methods of killing Marlene with a particularly blunt and rusty object. “And Marlene, just leave her to me, love.”

Alice nodded, but it looked like she was going to cry again. Lily got to her before me and pulled her into a hug.

An idea suddenly popped into my mind.

Perfect.

“I’ll be right back,” I told Lily, more than Alice, who was now sobbing freely.

Poor thing.

I made my way down to the common room, determined to find the one person who would show no shame in helping me with my dilemma.


“James, I need a favor.”

Luckily I had found James in the common room because I did not want to have to climb
all those damn steps again.

“Let me guess, you have now decided you fancy someone besides Sirius and need to let Remus down easy,” James retaliated.

“No, I need help killing Marlene,” I said casually.

Because plotting murder is such a casual occurrence.

“Ah, well then, how can I be of service?” James asked, one of his famous smirks crossing his face.

“I think I want to dye Marlene’s hair green. It’d go better with her personality, don’t you think? Oh, and Frank Longbottom, too,” I explained, sitting down on the couch next to James.

James grinned. “I’m on it.”

Then, without so much as a word, James left for the boys dorms and came back not a minute later with a vile of a pinkish substance.

“Pinkington’s Permanent Hair Potion. Can’t get it out for two whole weeks. And that’s if you’re lucky. Just switch it with her shampoo and viola, you shall have the desired effect,” James said, handing me the vile. “I’ll take care of Frank. Although considering he is a prefect, it might be a little risky…”

“I’ll put in a good word with Lily for you,” I said, which was all it took to convince James.

“Smashing.”

“If I may so inquire, why do you even have this stuff?” I asked raising an eyebrow.

James’ grin got even wider. “Do you remember last year when Sirius was ‘sick’ for an entire week? Well, that’s because he lost a bet.”

I laughed. “I’m shocked Sirius even bet on something as precious as his hair.”

“Well, to be fair, he did bet that Lily would say ‘yes’ to his age-old plea. I didn’t think it would happen. And really, it didn’t,” said Sirius from behind me, jumping over the couch and taking a seat.

“Hey, there was never a rule about sarcasm, mate. She technically did say yes,” James argued smugly.

“Yeah, right after she gave you a pig nose,” Sirius snorted. “So what was with Alice? All I saw was the dumping of the goblet and the priceless look on Jamesie’s face.”

I sighed and leaned back in the fluffy couch. “She saw Frank Longbottom snogging Marlene.”

Sirius frowned. “She really is a bitch, isn’t she?”

“No shit,” I replied. “But it doesn’t really surprise me. Anyway, thanks for the dye, James, I’ve got to switch before horse-face gets back.”

“Glad to be of service,” James said, bowing, “Oh, and tell Lily about my good deed, will you?”

I smiled. “Of course.”

I’m sure Lily will be thrilled.


“DeLESTRADE!”

I blinked my eyes several times, taking in the blurry morning world around me before
sitting up in my four-poster.

An angry Marlene McKinnon stormed out of the bathroom door, still wrapped in a towel, sporting neon green hair.

Not forest green, or even lime.

Neon.

“DID YOU DO THIS?” Marlene roared.

I shrugged. “Yeah, and you don’t have to yell, the whole castle’s going to wake up.”

“What’s going on?” Alice said groggily, sitting up in bed. “Who the hell is yelling?”

“That would be Marlene,” I said simply.

“What’sgoingon?” Lily mumbled from her bed. “Who’s screaming?”

“YOU ARE DEAD, DeLESTRADE, DEAD!”

Alice began to laugh like a madman, soon followed by myself, Lily, and after another minute, Mary.

Marlene, about to explode, stormed back into the bathroom and slammed the door.

“Did you do that, Elsa?” Alice asked, stretching. “Because it’s brilliant.”

I grinned. “All for you, love.”

Alice smiled. “Thank you. I feel much better. Frank?”

My smile only got bigger. “James took care of it.”

“POTTER!”

“At least they’ll match.”

“IT WON’T COME OUT!”

“Time to get up?” I asked, not particularly wanting to be in the room when Marlene got out.

Alice nodded quickly. “Yeah.”

Can I say that Marlene will learn her lesson?

No, but I can say that green is not her color.


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