Chapter 1 : Forgettable Me
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Also, this story is now in podcast form thanks to the wonderful jazzeh turnip, who reads it beautifully!
August 5, 1996
I don’t miss you.
I’m sorry, that’s not true. I really thought I was done lying, but something about you always brought out the worst in me. And obviously still does…
That is true.
It’s funny though, because you always brought out the best in me, too.
That's strange, right? How one person can make you feel every emotion, be it joy and despair, confidence and insufficiency, or love and hate more powerfully than anyone else ever has?
You made me feel all of that and so much more. I have never hated anyone with such depth or loved anyone with such completion. You were my light and my dark, my stars and my clouds, my disease and my cure.
You were pouring rain and blazing sunshine that created my own twisted, heart-breakingly beautiful rainbow.
You were Sirius.
You probably don’t even remember my name. For I was closer a number on a list or a notch in your bedpost than I ever was a name to you.
You were Sirius.
Have you any idea the weight that that sentence, that that idea alone holds for me? No, you wouldn’t, would you? Because I was a number; a notch. Never a name.
Not that I am angry, of course! Oh, no. I knew what I was getting myself into long before I crawled into bed with you. I knew that I would wake up the next morning without you still there next to me. And I knew that the events of that night would never occur again.
One night stand.
It sounds so… pathetic.
I never was the type before you happened. But you did happen. And the worst part is that even after a lifetime of loving you from afar, you remain the only man who’s ever made me feel that way.
A large part of myself feels sick when I think about it, you.
I remember seeing you at Hogwarts, walking through the corridors and praying to run into you, but knowing that even if I did you wouldn’t spare a glance my way. Of course I never blamed you for your lack of interest. There were always so many other girls swooning over you, wishing for the exact same thing.
If you ever thought of me at all after our night together, I never knew it. And if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t think you ever did.
I always was forgettable.
But Sirius, I didn’t come here to scold you for never loving me back or to make you feel guilty about your ‘out of sight, out of mind’ policy, even it did break my forewarned heart. In fact, just the opposite: I came here to thank you.
I’m sure this sounds silly and naïve and childish, but I have to thank you for allowing me to love you, for never hurting me with intention, and for giving me my one amazing night with you. Believe it or not, for a girl like me, that has always been enough. Loving you has been the one constant in my life…
It doesn’t matter that you never looked at me, or that you used me for one night of pleasure, or that you never spoke to me again after said night, or that you left school and I never saw you again, or that years later you were accused of betraying your best friends, or that you killed innocent Muggles and innocent Peter Pettigrew, or that you were later relieved of all charges, or that you have now died before ever sparing me a second thought…
The truth is, you may have used me for one night, but I used you my entire life.
Some days I wish I had tracked you down, forced you to hear me out, done everything in my power to win your heart, or at least enough for you to remember my name and separate myself from the other girls in your bed.
Some days I still wish that. I wish I could have been a name, not a number, not a notch.
Some days I wish I’d never met you, but those days are rare.
You, Sirius Black, made me feel a way no man ever has been able to duplicate.
You, Sirius Black, made me feel equal parts resentful and thankful.
You, Sirius Black, made me feel. And that has always been enough.
So thank you.
My name is Marian DeLacy. I’ve loved you my whole life. Thank you for letting me.
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Thank you for reading.
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