Chapter 19 : Dreamings
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Warning: This chapter is a bit of an experiment so I hope you like it...
Chapter 19- Dreamings
James kiss was amazing. 10/10. I never knew a kiss could be that good. You probably expect me to say that I wish I hadnít delayed it for so long and had just gone out with him at the beginning. I donít though, really I donít. It wouldnít have been as good. Weíve both been waiting so long for this, well he has anyway and I think I always knew somewhere deep down that one day this would happen. Though Iíd never realized how happy it would make me. And anyway, I know now I have all the time in the world to kiss him whenever I want, so I donít mind that it took so long to start because now its going to take even longer to end. Weíre going to be together forever. I know it.
After the countdown kiss we went outside together, we talked and he seemed unsure if himself- venerable. I canít believe I just used the word vulnerable to describe self-assured, self-centered, self-righteous James Potter. But thatís what he was, he seemed shy, which was really weird. I would have thought heíd want to start showing of and saying I-told-you-so but he didnít. He just stared at his feet and smiled at me occasionally through his lashes. Iíve never been able to deny he is very attractive, but Iíd never thought he was cute before.
Iím sure heíll be back to his old self soon enough.
Anyway, we talked and talked about not much of anything really and it was great and I came back into the dorm all in a daze. I donít even remember changing into my night-dress but I must have because when I woke up I was wearing it. It took me a while longer then normal to fall asleep, mainly as I couldnít get that image of James grinning self-consciously at me.
When I did get to sleep I had one of most usual dreams- I walked into an exam and realized I wasnít wearing any clothes. Everyone was laughing but then I realized Iíd forgotten to revise and I didnít even know what the exam was on. This is normally when I start crying and run into the toilet to find that there are no cubicles and all the toilets are fun of huge revision guides. I pick them out and try to read them but all the ink has ran on all of them and I canít read a thing.
But that didnít happen, instead James came in holding my clothes. He was like my wizard in shining robes and with a sparkly hat with tinsel on the top. He sat down next to me and he showed me his answers so I could copy them. Obviously I slapped him and told him where he could stick his answers- Iím still very much myself in dreams. And I, Lily Evans, do not cheat.
After our kiss Tina ran away looking terrified and muttering gibberish. I donít normally have that effect on girls (making them scared, not depriving them of the talent to form real words) so I didnít know what to do. I just stood their looking like an idiot, in front of everyone. Just for a second though, I may have been surprised but I was still the host, I went around passing out extra drinks to everyone and sometimes also giving the occasional wink.
I wasnít flirting, I donít like those girls, itís just that Iím like air to them; they literally canít live without me. I know I sound bigheaded, but thatís because when it comes to them- I am! How could any guy with a fan club of around 2 thirds of the school not be?
But once the party had died down I got think about Tina again, and her reaction. I donít know whatís got into me, I donít usually moon over girls like this. Sheís just so different from all the rest, he makes me feel insecure and stupid and childish and clueless all at the same time. When Iím around her I find myself doubting what I say and what I do and what I think. I never do that; I always do what I want to do and donít care what people think of me. I never normally second-guess everything I say or do in my head before Iíve had time to do it. I donít wonder if I look ok or if my hair is too messy or too neat.
I do all these things and a lot more I canít be bothered listing when Iím around her. Normally if a girl runs away from me like that Iíll just move on to another one, but all I could do for the rest of the party was sit on the couch drinking and listing all the possible motivations for her running away. I ran through the night again and again wondering where I went round. Had my kiss been bad? Surely not. Of course not. I hope not.
I fell asleep on the couch at about 5 oíclock when everyone had left and I woke up sweating after having a strange dream.
I had been kissing a girl and then Iíd drawn away and my head had turned into a sort of donkey head with horns. The girl screamed and ran away and when I realized it was Tina I started trying to run after her. But then Tina tapped me on the shoulder asking why Iíd kissed another girl and I turned to tell her I hadnít but she screamed when she saw my face and ran away.
Last night was amazing, I donít know how to describe it. Me and Remus talked and talked and talked and it was so much fun. Then, at the countdown he kissed me and I kissed him back and it was great. I wanted to sing. Iíve loved him for so long, you wouldnít believe. Iíd never thought heíd notice me but then it turns out he has and Iím so happy.
Remus is the best guy Iíve ever met. He makes me smile whenever I see him.
I didnít used to be the type of girl to fantasize about guys, Iíve always been quite plain, so none of them paid any attention to me; so I decided not to waste my time dreaming about them. But then one Potions lesson got paired with Remus and he was so sweet and kind and helpful and I just knew then he was the kind of guy I wanted to be with. I could tell heíd never laugh at me if I did something wrong, heíd just talk me through it and then smile when I got it right. That smile that makes everything else fades away because itís just too bright that there isnít enough light left in the world for everything else.
I knew that I didnít have a chance with him, but I was happy just to bask in his glow. Thatís why I started hanging out with the marauders, so I could see his smile everyday and maybe some days even be the cause of it. Of course then I really started to like the others too, as friends. So then I carried on being friends with them because it was like a break from reality, from being boring old Emmeline, and I was transformed into super-cool spy ĎEm the immaculateí as they nicknamed me in 2nd year (when they still though immaculate was spelt with Ďemí before I told them otherwise.)
So tonight, when we kissed I was just so happy I couldnít speak for a minute. He thought I was upset but I soon set him straight on that too. I yawned and he insisted on walking me back to the bottom of the girlís stairs. He wouldnít come any further- heís such a gentleman.
I got changed and brushed my teeth and my hair and washed my face and then I got into bed and dreamed about being a super hero, flying through the sky.
The party last night was a real drag. I thought about going early but then I would have had to sit alone in the dorm on my own and that would have been terrible. Or even worse Tina could have been there, as she seems the type of boring person who would leave a party early, which would have been even worse.
I really donít see what Sirius sees in her. Actually thatís not true, I do know why heís going for her; sheís different, not his usual type. Every guy had a type and sheís not his. Also, every guy, at least once in their life, has to make a try of it with a girl whoís not their type. As a sort of experiment to see what itís like- these experiments never work out obviously. They canít last- they just donít match. He needs someone fast-paced and exciting, who can keep up with him. She needs someone slow and dull who will sit around holding her hand listening to all her non-existent problems. Siruis wonít do that, when we went out I once mentioned how I was upset because Molly had borrowed my blusher without asking and had used loads up because she wanted to look like a pink-cheeked clown. He told me to shut up about it and throw the blushed away if it caused so many problems. See what I mean, he isnít the kind of guy you chat to; heís the kind of guy you make out with.
I saw her leave him after their kiss at New Year, what girl in their right mind walks away from Sirius Black? He looked real pathetic for the rest of the night, I considered going up to him and making it all better but instead opted to strut past him whenever I could- to remind him what heís missing. Heís not stupid, he knows what type of girl he belongs with and everyone in the school knows itís not a girl like Tina Blanche. Tina Blank. Tina Plain.
Anyway, I donít want to go on about Sirius; Iím not bothered who he decides to waste his time on. I had a good old snog fest last night to get my spirits back up; they were a bit low for some reason. I didnít feel like doing anymore, so I went back to my dorm, followed by a lot of complaints from this red-haired guy Iíd been kissing. He seemed to think I knew him.
I fell over multiple times on my way back up the stairs as I was more then just a bit tipsy and Iím pretty sure I got onto a few beds before I found mine, which resulted in annoyed groans from the Lily, Molly and Em. Once Iíd got into my own bed I fell asleep straight away. I dreamt of me wedding to a fine young man in white. I donít think Iíve met him yet.
Iíve wanted to kiss Em for so long but Iíve always been worried sheíll get freaked out and wonít talk to me, which would be terrible and is not even worth thinking about. Sheís so beautiful but she never seemed interested in boyfriends like the other girls did. Sheís never had a boyfriend before, I guess thatís because sheís always concentrating on her grades.
Iíve heard people call her plain, but I just donít get them. Everyday sheís so exciting and funny, even though she doesnít see it. But then, I guess thatís another reason I like her so much, she doesnít know how great she is. She doesnít moan either though, girls can tend to fall into those two categories: vain and moany. But Em isnít either, she doesnít think sheís beautiful, which is crazy. But that doesnít hold her back, she doesnít complain about it, she doesnít moan. She accepts herself; and let me tell you, there are not many 16 year old girls who except themselves or their looks. She might be quiet and can seem a bit shy but she wonít back down and she knows what she likes and doesnít agree with and she will say that.
I walked her back to the girlís dorms and all the while I was expecting her to ask, why I was following her round like a stalker. Or why I had been presumptuous enough to think she wanted me to kiss her when the clock struck 12. But she didnít, and Iím so thankful for that. Iím so thankful for her.
After dropping her off I went back to my dorm and lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling; it looked the same as it always did. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up but I donít remember what time and my dreams must have been of lying in bed and thinking about Emmeline because thatís all I remember.
The New Year party was fun. I had some fire-whisky and danced a bit. I left before the countdown because I like to be alone at New Year so I can properly concentrate on my wish. Also, Sirius and James didnít seem to want to talk to me. I tried to go chat with Remus and Emmeline but Lily stopped me and told me to stay away from the both of them because she Ďcould feel romance in the airí. I donít know what sheís on about. I left after that because it seemed pointless to stay any longer when I had other stuff to do.
I read some schoolbooks, even though I didnít understand a word of it. Then I wriggled under Siriusís bed to get out his stash of magazines and I looked through them instead. When I heard someone coming up the stairs I hid them back where they belonged and climbed into bed. It was Remus, he thought I was asleep; I can be a good actor when I need to be.
Then of course I didnít want to move because it would have broken the charade so I decided I may as well just go to sleep.
In my dreams I was woken up by a huge party and everyone was there and they were all congratulating me on getting full marks on my exams. Then Marlene came in and kissed me! Sirius was really upset and I apologized to him afterward but he just smile and said ĎIím glad itís you whose got her mate, I know youíll treat her well.í It felt a bit like he was yoda passing on the force to me, a lowly luke skywalker; but I was sure that I could handle it and that I could go on to be a great hero and would save Laya. Then I remembered Laya was Lukeís sister and decided that Iíd send mum a letter telling her to stop making me watch these silly muggle films because they always have weird endings.
Lily is by far the most amazing girl ever to have walked the earth. Weíve studied great witches in classes and none of them come close to Lily. Theyíve all done cool magic and invented stuff but none of them have anything on her. Because sheís got everything- brains, beauty, talent. Sheís funny and kind and absolutely perfect. One day Iím going to re-write the dictionary and under the word Ďperfectioní Iím going to put a picture of Lily.
Last night we kissed for the first time. Well the first proper time, all those times when Iíve just happened to catch her off guard donít count. They were nothing; this one was amazing. Plus I didnít get a slap right after it.
We went outside afterwards and Iím pretty sure I made a fool of myself because Iím just so intimidated by her. Sheís got it all and I donít have anything when I stand next to her, or thatís what Iíd thought. But then tonight she put her hand in mine and I realized that I do have something- I have her. I have everything.
I didnít dream, well not properly. I just relived that one moment, when she put her hand in mine and I realized I had everything in the world thatís good and pure and right, over and over again.
I went back to my dorm right after the countdown. Iím not sure what Sirius thought, probably that I was mentally retarded because all I did was stutter and walk away from him, without saying one coherent word. To be honest I think Iím more worried about what I would have said if I had the power of speech so itís probably a good thing I didnít say anything to him.
I rolled into bed with all my clothes still on, one half of my brain wondering why I was so tired and the other glad that sleep was coming so easily, as it would give me a short release from feeling the aches and pains I experienced each time I turned over.
I felt the pain in my dreams though. I canít remember much of them but I do know that they werenít the sorts of dreams you want to remember with shocking clarity. They were the sorts of dreams you spend your life trying to forget. Why am I calling them dreams anyway? Theyíre not dreams; theyíre nightmares, horrible, horrible nightmares. Like the ones they show in films along with a montage of people rolling over again and again with shadows creeping up their blankets towards them.
There were swinging doors that wouldnít stay shut and I could just knew that, any minute now, something terrible was going to come through them. And there were locked doors with light spilling through the cracks that I knew were blocking my entrance to a land of forbidden happiness, but I also knew that however hard I pushed, they wouldnít budge. So I just knelt down and peeked through the key-hole trying to see what was on the other side. I was blinded by what I saw. I canít remember what there was exactly but there was light everywhere and the sound of waterfalls and laughter.
And there were no shadows. And there was no Bella, or any other horrible person that meant me harm. Everyoneís skin was clear as pearl and shone in the light from the sky. There was my mum and dad and sister and auntie.
And there was SiriusÖ
Author's Note: Heyyy,
firstly, my apologies for this taking soooo long but I have been doing GCSE exams and there has always been something going on. It's a bad excuse, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY. Thank you soooo much if you've stuck with me :)
So, onto the real stuff, as you saw in the warning this chapter is a bit of an experiment for me. I just wanted to give writing from all the characters a go and see how it worked out. I hoped it worked well! I aimed to make each section a bit different and get across the 'voice' of each of the different characters using my writing style. I hope it worked, please review to let me know!
Please tell me which ones you liked and which you didn't and if there are characters you want to hear more from (or some I didn't use in this chapter you want to hear from) please just review and tell me because I really will try and put them in for you.
I know it was a bit boring as there wasn't really any action but I hope it was ok despite that. I tried to put them in an order that made it more exciting to read through, with some more serious ones in between what I hope are the ones that will make you laugh. If it worked your emotions should have been going up and down like a yo-yo! :P
A very special thank you to Blue Biro (Becky) for all the wonderful reviews she left me. They really did make me smile (A LOT) so thank youuu!!! ^_^
This was a very long author's note :/ Thanks if you read it all.
Lily :D xx
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