No. You're still here. I'm dreaming. You were laughing. You're still laughing only my ears have stopped working. Keep laughing! Laugh! You're not laughing. You're not talking. You're not making any sound at all. You're not moving.

No. Talk! Move! Laugh! Do something.

No. Wake up.

No. You're not waking up. You're just sleeping. I'm just dreaming. You're just sleeping and I'm just dreaming. We're just dreaming the same dream. Horrible dream. Bad dream. Dreams aren't real. This isn't real.

No.

No.

No.

This is real. It's real. Real. So inescapably real. You're not waking up. You won't wake up.

No. I'll bring you back. I'll kill him and bring you back. If he goes, then you'll come back.

An eye for an eye

A tooth for a tooth.

A life for a life.

His life for your life.

Where is he? I can't see him. I can't find him. I CAN'T FIND HIM. Help me, Fred. Help me find him. Help me bring you back. I need you back here.




I can't do this. I need to sit. I don't care if I die. I want to die. You left me.

Alone.

So alone.

All alone.

all alone.

I can't breathe. I don't want to breathe. It's not breathing when you aren't here. Nothing is the same when you aren't here. And yet it is. Why is the night still black? Why are the stars still shining? They should stop. They should notice. They should know the world has ended. Because the world has ended. Nothing can be the same. I want to plunge into a well of nothing. I want to feel nothing. Nothing would be better than this pain. Pain in my chest from my heart beating. I wish it would stop. Pain in my legs from holding my own weight. I wish I was weightless. Pain in my eyes from seeing it again

and again

and again.

Over and over: FLASH, and you're gone, FLASH, and you're gone, FLASH, and you're gone. You're still gone. I close my eyes: FLASH, and you're gone.




Please. Please come back. I can't do this without you. You're the glue that holds me together at the cracks. (I'm falling apart.) You're the hot-chocolate that I can't sleep without. (I've got insomnia.) You're the favourite pair of shoes that are slightly too small but are worn every day, nonetheless. (My feet are bare.) You're the clouds that keep the sky from falling. (The stars keep on getting closer every time I blink.) You're the tiles on the roof that keep the rain from getting in. (I can't get dry.) You're the bones that make me strong. (I can't stand up.) Please come back.




Mum's crying. Dad's crying. I'm crying. Everyone's crying. We're going to fill an ocean for you, Fred. I could do it all by myself. I'd fill an ocean with tears and then drown myself in it. Then I wouldn't miss you so much. I miss you so much. I keep thinking I can hear you breathing but you're not.

Your eyes were so blue like mine. Blue like the sky, we used to say. We have sky eyes! Ocean eyes! Way better than Ron's eyes. Ron's got river eyes, and rivers are boring. Nobody else knows about our ocean eyes. Who am I going to tell that to now? Who's going to help me get the girls? Who's going to make terrible jokes about my ear? Who's going to be you now?




I'm scared to look in the mirror, Fred. I'm so scared. I could have saved you. I could have jumped in front of you. I could have killed him before he killed you. I could have pushed you out of the way.

I didn't save you.

I didn't save you.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I miss you. Please, won't you come back?