AN: I’d just like to start off by saying thanks for all the reviews! You’re awesome! Second, I’m sorry it’s so late. And finally, there are some of Lily’s thoughts in here that might offend some people. I do not completely agree with these thoughts, nor necessarily does Lily. They are a product of the age, but I’m terribly sorry if I’ve offended you.
“H-how, how late?” He ran his fingers through his hair. He was avoiding eye contact.
“About two and a half weeks.” She bit her lip.
“I-is that a- a lot?” His hand went to his hair again.
She took a deep breath. “It’s enough to be worried.”
He raised his head to meet her gaze. “What are we going to do?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know.”
He was regaining his composure. Hers was rapidly declining. “But, you don’t know for sure yet, right?” She shook her head, “So how do we find out?”
“I don’t know.” She put her head down. He stepped toward her and put his hands on her arms. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Lily. It’ll be okay.” He rubbed her arms soothingly. She placed her forehead on his chest. “It can’t be that hard can it? A spell or a potion or… something?”
“I don’t know!” She got up from the table, and moved away from him. “I don’t know any of this and I can’t ask anyone! There are no books or anything!” She stood up and began pacing. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Hey,” He moved toward her again. He placed his hands on her shoulders. “Just calm down.” He pulled her into a hug, and thought for a moment, “Do you know any muggle ways?”
“Yeah,” she breathed, “but I don’t see how that’ll help.”
“I—I can get you into Hogsmeade, and Remus can apparate-“
“I can apparate.” She looked up at him. “Remus can’t know.”
“Of course. Then you can apparate to a muggle town, and we can find out.” She nodded, “And we can deal with the rest when we get there.”
A plan was set. They would leave on Saturday, as not to miss any classes. That left Lily with three excruciating days to think.
She was going to have a baby. A baby. A needy, crying, baby. There was a tiny little piece of her and James growing inside of her. It was a bizarre notion. How was she supposed to take care of it? She would have to drop out of school. How could she find a job if she had to drop out of school? How could she make enough money to care for a baby if she did find a job?
She couldn’t expect her parents to support her. Her parents would never support a teenage pregnancy. Or one out of wedlock.
Dear Merlin, she was going to have to marry James.
Her parents would force them. She needed him anyway. He could find a job; support them. He could take care of them.
She couldn’t marry James. She just couldn’t. She didn’t even like him. Not that much anyway. He was immature and mean, and, and, and she just couldn’t marry him. But surely, she would have to. There was no other option.
Well, at least the sex would be good. And he could always make her laugh. He was generally fun, when he wasn’t being a git. He could be responsible when he wanted. He-he would be a good father. He had to be. Because this little piece of him growing inside of her was perfect and innocent and deserved to have two parents who loved it and would take good care of it. She loved it already, and she wasn’t even sure it was there. He would love it too. Right?
He had to.
They met on the fourth floor. Lily was completely unsure of how this would get them anywhere or help them at all, but she was positive that James knew, and she trusted him.
She arrived before he did. She sat in the empty classroom they had designated, their favorite for interludes, twiddling her thumbs, anxiously waiting for him. She was in the right room, right? Had he forgotten?
He arrived shortly after. She sighed in relief as he approached her. “Are you ready to go?” he breathed. She nodded. “Okay then, let’s go.”
She followed him to the door, but he blocked the path before she went through. “What are you-“ he had pulled out a piece of parchment, and muttered something Lily didn’t catch.
“Just be patient, Lil.” He scolded her. He maintained his gaze on the parchment, but blocked her view of it. After a moment, he moved, and motioned for her to follow him.
They walked down the corridor a ways, until they came to a mirror. James stopped, and Lily nearly ran into him. James somehow managed to open the mirror to reveal a corridor behind it.
Lily gasped, and James motioned for her to enter. She slipped in; he followed her. The mirror closed behind them. “Where are we going?” she whispered.
She couldn’t see him in the dark, but she swore he was smirking, “Hogsmeade, of course.”
“How?” He lit his wand, and Lily found that he was indeed smirking.
He began walking; Lily followed him. “Secret passage way.” She stood in confusion for a moment before James realized she was no longer following him and turned around. He faced her, “Come on!”
She jogged to catch up with him, and the two walked down the dark corridor together.
“Where do we need to go?”
“A muggle town, I guess.” Lily answered him. The two had arrived in Hogsmeade without incident, and were now standing outside of the passage, avoiding crowds and people who may have recognized them.
“You did say you could apparate, right?”
“Yes. My birthday’s in January. I’m legal.”
He laughed, “Well, I’m not. So, I’m going to have to side along.”
“Okay.” She nodded. “Ready?” He nodded and stepped toward her. He grabbed tightly onto her arm.
“Well, here we go, then.” She turned on her heel, and with a loud crack, the two disappeared and landed in a muggle town the Evans family had visited once on holiday. Lily figured that no one would recognize her there, and it wasn’t too far from Hogwarts, anyway.
“Now where are we going?” James asked after they had recovered.
She thought for a moment, “A pharmacy, I guess.” James looked confused. “It’s this way, I think, just come on.”
She led the way, stopping only briefly to admire a pretty necklace in a shop window. They arrived at the pharmacy, and Lily slipped inside. James offered to accompany her, but fearing his mischievous nature in a shop full of unfamiliar things, Lily thought it best to order him to remain outside. “I’ll just be a few minutes. Stay. Here.”
She located the pregnancy tests after an intense and infuriating search. She was seriously debating summoning one as she stumbled across them in a secluded corner. Grudgingly, she grabbed one, and shuffled to the counter. Of course, the only cashier working was a relatively attractive teenage male. She avoided eye contact with him as she slid a few pounds over to him.
“Say,” she glanced up at him, blushing, “do you, um, have a loo I could use?” He pointed toward a door, and she waved in gratitude. She found her way there, and read the directions three times. She used the test, hid it skillfully in her pocket, and made her way out the door to meet James.
He was right where she had left him, waiting patiently for her. When he saw her approaching, he glanced up at her expectantly, cheerfully. She grabbed him by the arm, and pulled him into an alley near the store.
“What’s the news?”
“Don’t know yet. It takes some time.”
“How long?” He was twitching.
She began to pace, and glanced at her watch. “About ten more minutes.”
After ten agonizing minutes of pacing and forced conversation, Lily announced that they could check the results.
She pulled it out of the pocket she had kept it in to avoid staring at it manically, held it in her gaze, but closed her eyes. She tried to pry them open, but she simply could not. This was the moment of truth. Her entire future hung in the balance, determine by the presence or absence of a single blue line. She was going to know if there was something, someone growing inside of her, feeding on her life to create its own. She wanted to know. She needed to know.
But she couldn’t look at it. What if she was pregnant? What would she do? How could she possibly care for the tiny little person she had created?
What if she wasn’t? What if she was just herself, empty as ever? Would the emptiness she had felt over the summer begin to consume her again? She couldn’t handle that. And how could she look at James knowing the bond they had almost, almost, had together.
She couldn’t do it. “I can’t, James, I can’t look at it.” She thrust the test at him, “You do it.” She turned away from him.
“Um… What am I doing?” He was completely confused.
“Reading the test!” she snapped. Immediately she realized that James would not know how to read the test, so she softened, “See the little blue lines in the windows? If there’s only one, then I’m not, if there’s two… well, then we’re in trouble.” She spoke to the wall.
“But, Lily,” his voice was still very confused. “There aren’t any lines on here.”
“What!?!” She snapped fiercely. She whipped around and snatched the test away from James. Without thinking, she looked at it, ready to cry in frustration, when she saw, mercifully, one blue line smiling back at her.
A great weight was removed from her shoulders. She looked up at James, who was grinning wildly at her. “Prick.” She swatted him playfully. She looked down at it again; just to be sure her eyes were not deceiving her. They were not; she began laughing.
One, she thought, had to be the best number ever invented.
The two apparated back to Hogsmeade, and fifteen minutes found them a quarter of the way into the passage back to the castle. They had been merry, on the way back to Hogsmeade, and the first part of the passage, chatting, and occasionally squealing. But the glee from their discovery had faded a tad, and the pair fell into a comfortable silence.
Lily didn’t mind. It left her free to contemplate the glories of the number one. Ah one, one blue line. Marvelous. One huge relief. One grin. One her.
She was one person. Alone. She hadn’t exactly realized that until now. Maybe she had grown accustomed to the thought of sharing her body. She wasn’t.
One was lonely.
James seemed to notice her shift in disposition, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she lied. “Just a little tired.”
He eyed her skeptically, but resigned. “We’re almost back.” He stopped briefly and pulled out the piece of parchment he had had earlier.
“What is that?” she asked him.
“Nothing.” He fiddled through the paper. Lily accepted his statement, and waited patiently for him to decipher whatever he was looking at. “Shit.” He whispered harshly.
“What?” he reached into his cloak and pulled out a bundle of silvery material.
He threw it over her, “Keep this on. No one will be able to see you.”
“What are yo-“
He shushed her, “Just do it! And keep quiet.”
He started walking again, and Lily followed him. They hadn’t taken ten steps when they heard other voices coming down the passage.
“What would he be doing down here without us?” The first voice questioned.
“Don’t have a clue.” A second voice chimed.
“Probably just fancied a walk down in Hogsmeade’s all.” A third added.
“Nah.” The second voice was talking, “He’s definitely up to something.”
“What could it be?” It was the first voice.
“Probably something to do with the bird he’s been shagging all year.” The second voice said.
Lily froze in horror. James’ face seemed to flash in anger, but he continued walking. “Hello, boys.” He spoke when he came into the sight of his three friends, “What are you three doing down here?” They weren’t acknowledging her, so Lily assumed that James had been honest when he said no one could see her.
“We could ask the same of you, Prongs.” The second voice, now identified as Sirius Black, retorted.
“Just fancied a walk down in Hogsmeade’s all.”
“I told you, Padfoot.” The third voice, Remus Lupin, scolded.
“He’s lying. I can see it in his eyes.”
“Nonsense!” James snapped, “Just because I don’t spend all my time with you three…”
“You’re either with us or that secret bird of yours.” Peter finally spoke up.
“What are you talking about?” Lily realized that James was quite a good actor.
“Don’t play dumb, even Remus knows it. And you know he refuses to think ill of anyone.” Apparently, Sirius Black was very upset by the matter. Remus made a sound of objection.
James looked very guilty. “Fine, it’s true.” Lily was horrified.
The other three looked incredibly shocked. “Who is it?!” Peter wanted to know.
“I can’t tell you that.” Lily was slightly more relieved.
“Why not?” Sirius demanded.
“Because, Padfoot, she would kill me if I told you.”
“It’s not like she would ever know!” Peter exclaimed.
Both Sirius, and Remus’ eyes widened in realization. “She’s here!”
Lily took this as her cue to leave.
Lily lay in her bed, on her side, unblinking. She had been there since her return from Hogsmeade. She had deposited the strange material of James’ in his room and come straight here. Her eyes stung, but she didn’t close them. Thankfully, the room was empty. She was alone. Relieved, but lonely.
The door creaked open. She vaguely thought about turning and telling whoever had just come in to please go away, but didn’t have the motivation to open her mouth. There were footsteps; a shift of weight on her bed told her that the intruder was now sitting next to her. She assumed it was Ella, perhaps Mary, or another of her roommates.
“Hey,” it was James. “Alright there?” She nodded. “I thought we talked about this lying thing.”
She sighed, and finally closed her eyes. “It’s nothing.”
He leaned closer to her, “It’s obviously something. Why not just tell me?” she sighed again, “Are you upset about not being pregnant? I thought that was what you wanted?”
“It is.” She shuffled over a bit, and he lay down beside her. “It’s, just… it’s stupid really.”
“It’s not stupid if it’s upsetting you.” He wrapped his upper arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him.
“I’m just lonely, I suppose. I got used to thinking there was another person with me all the time. And I’m glad that there’s not, but I dunno… It’s a little sad too.”
“That’s not stupid, Lily.” He managed to put his lower arm under her head.
“Really?” She held onto the hand resting on her stomach, and snuggled into him.
“Not at all.”
AN: Okay, another one. Sorry it’s so late! There’s a huge festival in my town that I’m very involved in that consumes a great deal of my time, and also school was ending, and I had massive amounts of work to do before I finished. But I am now officially done with high school! Woot!
Anyway, I’m sorry if this chapter sucked. I completely stopped writing it during the festival, and got really out of tune with it. That was a bad idea. But, there should be one last sixth year chapter to go. This one probably should have finished it off, but I feel like this scene needed to be on it’s own.
Write a Review Kiss and Tell: Sixth Year, Part Three