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I Hate This Part by coco786
Chapter 1 : I Hate This Part
 
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A/N: When I wrote this, I didnt know if I wanted it to be fanfic or original. So I avoided adding names and such. In the end, I chose it to be a fanfic of Draco/Hermione. I chose those two because the personalities i had in mind of my charachters matched them perfectly, and added a sense of depth making it seem more real. To me, atleast. :) All throughout the story, its Hermiones perspective. :)
I hope you like it! Any critisism or comments are welcome! ^_^

Disclaimer: I do not own Hermione or Draco. Although I haven't used their names, but whatever. Better safe than sorry.
 
*****

We’re driving slow through the snow on Fifth Avenue,
And right now radios all that we can hear,
Now we ain't talk since we left, it’s so overdue,
Its cold outside, but between us it’s worsening.

The snow has just started falling, but I don’t take much notice. I’m staring out the window at nothing in particular, at the same smudge on the glass and whatever scenery is passing behind it. I’m seeing without really seeing. My mind is on other matters. Even the blaring radio doesn’t distract me from my reverie. He keeps changing the channels from hip-hop to news to sports commentary to jazz and back again, a sure fire indication of how agitated he is right now. “Snow storm expected, stay inside today, folks,” says the local weatherman. He changes it once more and finally just switches it off. The silence between us has become so thick, you could chop it off with a knife. But despite no words being uttered, silent communication is still passing between us. It has always been like this, right from the start. A smile, a frown, a wink – all subtle gestures that let us say so much to each other without actually having to open our mouths; our very own special language, secret from the rest of the world. The snow continues to fall silently, gracefully, as if sent as an indication from the sky, blanketing the earth in a vast whiteness. And everybody knows that snow means new beginning. Well, they’re wrong. That’s not all that it means. There is more to it. It also means the very opposite – yet exactly the same. It means a time for drastic changes, the end of the old, the beginning of the new.

The wall falls down,
But my heart beats fast right now,
I know this is the part,
Where the end starts.

How did we reach this stage in our lives? Everything used to be so sweet, so happy and carefree. We were so attuned to each other. When did everything go so irreparably wrong? Was it sometime between your long office hours and my busy social life? Or had it been always like this – and love had blinded us from seeing clearly, just like the seemingly pure snow is right now preventing to let me see the bug infested earth? Is it now summer time in our subconscious minds, the time when the clarity is piercing, the snow has melted away? Was our love always this weak? Is this how we’re supposed to live out the remainder of our lives? In oppressing silence with the urge to scream so strong, it robs us of our sensibilities? With so much to say, yet not saying anything at all because of all the memories that haunt us? With the fear of change, of loss?

I can’t take it any longer,
Thought that we were stronger,
All we do is linger,
Slipping through my fingers,
I don’t wanna try now,
All that’s left is goodbye,
To find a way that I can tell you…
 
My heart is aching for us, for the love we once had, for what we could have become together, had we not had this falling out. My mind is as numb as my cold fingers. I remember a time in the past when only your presence could warm me up like a flame, a time when everything was so full of life, of color and positive emotions. I shut off my memories, trying to think of other, less unpleasant things. None come. If I avoid thinking about our beginning, our recent past consumes me, threatens to destroy me. Those memories, filled with the desire to fix everything, to reunite and rebuild, are so poignant and bittersweet, they could only be described as a waste of time. Because nothing can stop the future from coming. Especially not our foolish attempts to tape all the remaining pieces back together, with so many missing in the first place. We should have ended this the second we realized something was wrong. It was hopeless to start with.

I hate this part right here,
I hate this part right here,
I just can’t take your tears,
I hate this part right here.
 
The present is staining my past and forecasting my future. I don’t want this anymore. I never have. And I know the feeling is mutual. But you care too much to take the first step. That feeling is also mutual. Very mutual, indeed. But someone has to do it. And soon.

The weather is changing, but not in a good way. Not to me, anyway. Increased heavy snowfall, buckets by the dozen, all come sloshing down on the roof of our car. You shatter the silence by letting out a curse out loud and punching the steering wheel. I look at you, alarmed for a second before regaining my composure and going back to my stance of looking out the window at nothing and everything.  Taking your anger of something out on something else was an inborn habit of yours. You’re quiet once more, having seen my tear glazed face after an hour and a half, me having seen yours.

I shut my eyes in the painful reality of what has become our lives. I long to reach out and wipe all your tears away, but my muscles don’t react to that thought. I hate this part right here. But I don’t have control anymore; I’m in the cruel hands of fate.

Everyday, seven takes of the same old scene;
Seems we’re bound by the laws of the same routines,
Gotta talk to you now before we go to sleep,
But will we sleep once I tell you whats hurting me?
 
And fate has orchestrated a symphony of doom for me, it seems. It has made it very clear that nothing I do will persuade it to change its course. It has decreed dominance over our souls, over every article in our lives. It has won the game we were trying so hard to play. I know what I have to do now. What I should have done a long time ago.

You park the car haphazardly and I jolt back to reality in shock. Looking up at him questioningly, he avoids my gaze and gets out, letting a burst of frosty air into the car, along with small speckles of snow. Slamming the door shut behind him, I lose sight of him due to the frost that has accumulated on the windows. I pick one up, from where it has landed on my knee. So soft, so fresh. So immune to pain. I sigh, wishing for a harebrained moment in time that I was also a snow flake. Having nothing to worry about – but falling and melting – must be fun. I look out of the car, trying to see where he went, not wanting to expose myself to the harsh elements. Surprising how much things have changed. At a happier time, I would have gladly sacrificed my comfort just to be with him a moment longer.

But the times have changes, I remind myself, trying to quell the tears threatening to brim over. Swallowing the knot in my throat, I open the window a fraction. A wave of frost comes barreling in, and I brace myself with my hands. Ah, there he is. Standing in front of a penthouse. Who’s could it be, and what is he doing visiting at such a late hour? Peering more closely, I realize he is looking directly at me, his hands in his pants pockets, his signature style. Understanding he wants me to come, I gather my purse into my hands and step outside of my haven.

The cold is paralyzing. I walk up the weirdly familiar sidewalk, along the snow-covered rose bushes and am just walking past the tiny little garden gate that I realize this is our own house. The snow has covered it so completely, nothing is recognizable. Just like my life. I do a full 360 degree turn, taking it all in, knowing it’s the last time I’ll have the chance to see it so peaceful, so dreamlike. Knowing he would sell it in an attempt to banish all the memories from his life. Knowing he wont be successful. Knowing I wont either. But knowing there is no turning back now.

The wall falls down,
But my heart beats fast right now,
I know this is the part,
Where the end start.
 
Of course, everybody did warn me. “Don’t do it, you’ll only see loss and pain.” But I ignored them, tangled happily in the web of love you had woven for us both. But then the strings started breaking and we didn’t find out until it was too late and we were falling…

I cant take it any longer,
Thought that we were stronger,
All we do is linger,
Slipping through my fingers,
I don’t wanna try now,
All that’s left is goodbye,
To find a way that I can tell you…
 
I walk up to him, his eyes sending me a sarcastic message of thanks. My stomach knots itself into many tiny jumbled patterns, knowing this is the last time I get to see that expression, and I look away before he finds out what is going through my head.

I hate this part right here,
I hate this part right here,
I just cant take your tears,
I hate this part right here.
 
The lock clicks open and we walk inside, our footsteps echoing against the marble tiles, our echo’s reverberating in the huge hall before us. We try and fail to avoid making any noise, and as we walk up the stairs to our bedroom, I’m taking deep breaths, trying to relax my nerves. I can hear him climbing behind me, knowing it’s the last time. I want to turn around and keep walking, to embrace him and not have to do this, and do this right now. Indecision makes me hesitate at the fatalist second and my foot slips off the stairs and I start falling.

He catches me, of course.  He always has.

Turning me in his arms, and me scrambling up at the same time, we’re two potentially ex lovers caught in the painful position of staring directly into each others eyes. His are filled with unshed tears, tears that he stubbornly refuses to acknowledge. I see him gulp down painfully, slowly, as he too takes inventory of my face. He has confirmed what my greatest fears were. Everything is over. It has been for a long time now.

I know you’ll ask me to hold on,
And carry on like nothings wrong;
But there is no more time for lies,
Cuz I can see sunset in your eyes.

Our silent communication passes between us once more, and it as so much of the essence of our happy times, I can only wonder if fate is giving us another chance. But as a tear finally escapes his eye and lands on my cheek, mingling with my own tears, I know its not to be so. He would have never let that tear fall without already having accepted defeat. He stares at the fallen tear, then raises his fearful eyes to my own. His expression is choked, combustible, deflatable, defeatable. It pains me to see him like this. I take a deep, shaking breath and start to speak when he shakes his head in a way warning me to not to do this, that if I do, there will be no going back. But I already knew that. I nod firmly, trying to calm my tightening throat muscles, threatening to cut off my ventilation. His jaw is clenching in a way I know must be causing him immense pain. I had done the irreversible and he was breaking from inside. Breaking himself from inside. I raise my quivering hand hesitantly, gently skimming my fingers from his forehead to his tear-wet lips, and bite my own in agony of what is finally happening.

I can’t take it any longer,
Thought that we were stronger,
All we do is linger,
Slipping through my fingers,
I don’t wanna try now,
All that’s left is goodbye,
To find a way that I can tell you…
 
He holds my fingers in his hands and keeps them pressed to his lips, both of us lost in the moment, a moment that we both know is our last. His eyes beg me to explain what has happened, but the truth is, even I don’t know, and I don’t wanna try now. We have lingered long enough on the present. It is time to pave our way for the future.

That I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I hate this part,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it.
 
Breaking free of his arms, I push myself up, smoothing the crinkles out of the dress I have on, fixing the jacket that was made for style, not for barring its owner against the elements. He is as immobile as a statue, watching me with dying eyes. I avoid his gaze, afraid that if our eyes meet, I might lose my ever weakening resolve.

Ohhh….
I hate this part right here,
I hate this part right here,
I just can’t take these tears,
I hate this part right here.

I walk right past him, and he doesn’t turn around to watch me leave or stop me. He has finally understood that it is impossible to live a lie, to pretend everything is nice and dandy in the face of a full blown storm. I walk back down the stairs, the echoes my farewell melody, and right out of the polished mahogany door and his life, not once looking back, both our hearts breaking simultaneously.
 
*****

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