Chapter 1 : I can't stand it
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I was never the kind to fall in love. I'd figured that I hadn't found the right person to fall in love with. I'd had relationships, but I'd never felt that feeling that everyone was talking about. Butterflies in the gut and all that stuff. I'd never felt that, not until now. I'd been trying to ignore the feeling, because I knew that it was wrong. I'd fallen in love with my best friend – who does that?
I cursed out loud and I'd completely forgotten that I was sitting in the classroom, in the middle of a Charms lesson. A light flush appeared on my cheeks as I mumbled a 'sorry'.
Next to me, Scorpius snickered. I bit the side of my cheek and looked at him. I blushed deeper, though I tried to force myself not to. I turned my head and stared down at my parchment. It was blank. Dipping my quill in ink, I tried to focus on the essay I was supposed to be writing. Scorpius noticed how my lack of concentration in class, and he leaned closer.
“What's wrong, mate?”
“Nothing,” I mumbled. Like I'd tell him. I could tell that he was annoyed, as he turned his head away. He wasn't used to me being like this. Hell, I wasn't used to me being like this. I sighed and put the quill down. Ink dripped down on the parchment, but I didn't care. I spent the rest of the class staring out the window.
Once class was over, I stormed out of there. I did my best to avoid Scorpius these days, ever since these feelings had appeared. I had indeed tried to ignore the feelings I had for him, but ignoring ones feelings only works for so long. The fact that I spent almost all of my time around him didn't really make anything better, either.
“Wait up!” called Scorpius and caught up with me. “What's with you today?”
I shrugged and we began to walk to the Gryffindor Tower together. It'd been a surprise to many when Scorpius had been placed in Gryffindor, seeing as everyone else from his family had been Slytherins. It wasn't something that Scorpius himself had thought about, though. We'd been fighting a lot during our first year, because that was what we were supposed to do. A Potter and a Malfoy. We'd gotten over that fairly quickly once we actually spoke to one another.
We had too many things in common to continue to fight each other. Since the beginning of our second year, we'd been best friends. Wherever you saw Scorpius, you'd see me.
Scorpius nudged my arm and nodded towards a seventh year. A girl with long blonde hair. I raised an eyebrow. Yeah, she was kind of hot. I glanced at Scorpius. He was kind of hot, too. I blinked twice. My mind was confusing me. I wish I could just make my mind up. Boys, or girls? Was it even possible to like both? I felt like screaming.
“Are you okay?” Scorpius sounded concerned. I nodded. I was fine. “You look hot...”
“You're sweating and you're flushed, like you have a fever,” Scorpius explained. He brought his hand to my forehead and nodded slowly. “You're warm.”
I shrugged and Scorpius dropped his hand. I quickly began walking again, and as I reached the portrait, I mumbled the password and walked in. The fact that Scorpius followed close behind didn't go unnoticed by me. There weren't many people in the Gryffindor common room. A few fourth years, two second years and two from our year – sixth year, that is. Since the school day was over, I headed towards the boys dorm to get out of the school robes and put on something slightly more comfortable.
I ran my fingers through my hair as I walked up to my bed and bent down next to it and reached for my trunk. I began to look through it and pulled out some clothes from it which looked comfy and nice. Underneath them, I spotted a photo of Scorpius and I. I let out a small laugh as I looked at it. We must have been in our third year, because our hair was just not up to date.
How had I ever been able to have walked out in public like that? I looked as if someone had gone at my hair with a chainsaw. Not that it looked that much better now. It was still messy and pretty much uncontrollable, but at least it looked better than it had done when this photo was taken. Scorpius and I was standing with our arms around each others shoulders and we were waving at the camera.
I have no idea who'd taken the picture. I guessed it'd been James – he had a thing for taking pictures. He was never in them, though. James is my annoying older brother. He's a seventh year, and he is, unlike me, completely sure about his sexuality. I've never met a guy who've been with more girls than he has. It's quite disturbing, really.
“Remember this?” I said and held the photo up for Scorpius to see.
“Oh, Merlin. Yeah, I do.” I heard how he came closer and then he grabbed the photo to take a closer look. “It was in the end of third year, right? Just when before we got on the train.”
“Don't ask me, I can't remember when it was taken, really.”
“Wow, I'm impressed. It speaks.”
“You do realize that you just spoke more than you have all week?”
I rolled my eyes and took the photo from his hand. I threw it back in the trunk and closed it. I grabbed the clothes that I'd put on the bed and I was about to head towards the bathroom to get changed as Scorpius blocked my way. I dared to look up in his eyes and noticed his furrowed eyebrows. I hated the way he could make my heart skip a beat with just one look.
He wasn't even aware of what he was doing, I knew that. The fact that he had no idea how much he affected me was annoying. It made me want to slap him across the head. It made me want to scream at him. Scream 'Hey, moron, you made me love you!'
Instead, I just stared back in to his blue eyes and asked him to move out of the way. He didn't say anything, but he did step out of my way. I swallowed hard before I headed towards the bathroom.
As soon as I'd closed the door behind me, I cursed. This day just got better and better, didn't it? I placed my hands on either side of the sink and took deep breaths. Turning the water on, I splashed some in my face. I looked up and stared at myself. I got a strong urge to punch the mirror. But I knew how much that hurt, so I decided against it. I'd already done that twice in my lifetime, and I'd promised myself that if I could avoid getting my knuckles destroyed again, I would.
Deciding that this was the worst day in my life, I turned the water off and began to change in to my other clothes. Maybe that would get my mind off of stuff for a little while. I changed so fast, that I didn't even have time to forget about anything.
Knowing that Scorpius would be on the other side of the door, I decided not to go out there just yet. Instead I sunk down on the floor and covered my face in my hands. I'd never been so confused in my life. I didn't know how to feel, why I felt as I did, what I should do... What do one do when everything you know falls apart?
Before – before this whole thing with Scorpius happened, I would've turned to Scorpius with something like this. But now, as I was going through this, I couldn't go to my best friend. Because I'd been stupid enough to fall in love with him. It was more than stupid, really. It was idiotic. Yet, I knew I had no control over these feelings. I felt betrayed by my own heart.
And I was confused. I liked girls. Apparently I liked boys, too. I blinked a couple of times, and I felt tears falling down my cheeks. I wished I could talk to Scorpius. I wish I had a friend right now. I pulled my legs up to my chest and put my arms around my legs and rested my head on my knees. Tears continued to fall as I thought everything over once more. Was it possible to like girls and boys at the same time? What did it make me? Was it really that important to label myself?
There was a knock on the door, but I barely reacted to it. I kept my eyes closed as I heard Scorpius on the other side of the door. He asked me if I was planning on coming out any time soon. It was supposed to sound like a joke, but he sounded far too concerned for it to be funny.
“No,” I mumbled, and I guess he heard me.
“Alohomora,” I heard from outside and I quickly wiped my tears away and told myself to get a grip. Scorpius spotted me on the floor, “Albus...”
“Just leave me alone,” I managed to get out and Scorpius froze. I'd never told him to leave me alone before. I'd never acted like this at all before, really. I didn't like this side of me, and I knew Scorpius didn't either. He furrowed his eyebrows and closed the door behind him. Then he sunk down on the floor next to me. “I said-”
“I know what you said, but I'm not going.” There was an awkward silence before Scorpius spoke again. “Now out with it. What's wrong?”
“I don't want to talk about it.”
“It's me, Albus. You can talk to me, okay?” Scorpius glanced at me and I looked away from him. “Hey...”
“I don't want to talk to you about it!” I hissed, and I felt guilty as his gaze dropped to the floor. “I...”
I couldn't hold back the sob that escaped me. I turned away from Scorpius and bit my lip. I should've kicked him out of here, instead I just sat there and let him watch me cry. I closed my eyes and just as I opened my mouth to ask him to leave once more, he threw his arm over my shoulders and pulled me to him.
Somehow, as he did that, it didn't seem to matter if I cried or not. It was if he was telling me that it was okay to cry. That I didn't have to be ashamed to cry. He stroke my back, and as my sobs died out, and we parted. There was a silence as our eyes met and I swallowed hard. He looked at me as if he could read my mind. I told myself that it was nonsense, that he wasn't a Legilimens.
“Don't do that,” Scorpius whispered and I glanced down at his lips. My heart beat faster. It was wrong of me to want to kiss him. I knew that, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to.
“Do what?” I replied, I was whispering too.
“Don't shut me out.”
I gave a small nod. I tore my eyes away from his lips and met his eyes again. Those blue eyes of his seemed to tell me something, it was like they were speaking a totally different language, though. They seemed to be struggling to find the right words. I struggled to keep my mind in order. My thoughts were all over the place. I was confused, I was ashamed, I was even more confused. I was in love. I hated it. I loved it. I swear, it was all because I was confused. I blame the confusion. It was the confusion that made me do it.
I pressed my lips against Scorpius'. Time seemed to stand still. My heart had never beat so fast in my entire life. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach doing backflips. His lips were surprisingly soft. I hadn't expected a boys lips to be that soft. Scorpius sat completely still, and I realized what I was doing. Without a sound, I parted from him and stared in to his eyes. His eyes were wide open and shocked. I'd never felt as embarrassed as I did in that second – ever.
I was just about to get up and run away from there as Scorpius grabbed my hand. He didn't speak – I didn't speak. Our fingers intertwined and we held hands. What was there to say, really? Honestly, I could've said about ten thousand things, but I decided not to. I turned my head to look at Scorpius. He turned to look at me. He gave my hand a squeeze and the butterflies in my stomach was flying around with a whole new speed to them. I squeezed back, and that said more than any words could ever say.
[My first ever try on slash! I hope I did okay ^_^ I'd love to hear what you guys thought about it. Did it make sense at all? How did I do with writing from a guys POV? Thanks for reading! - Cathy]
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