“Okay, pretend that I’m Dom.” I said, looking expectantly at The Burly One. He stared blankly at me.
Perhaps he hasn’t understood the words coming out of my mouth. Let me try again.
“Okay, pretend that I am Dominique.” I said in a loud, clear voice. Now both The Burly One and Blue Eyes were gazing vacantly at me.
(Sorry about this. They’re a little slow. Bludgers to the head, you know. Lots of brain damage.)
“…but you’re not.” The Burly One said, clearly confused.
“Gee, nothing gets by you,” I snapped sarcastically. “I said pretend.”
“But…why?” The Burly One continued.
I thought he was smart. Apparently, I was sadly misinformed.
I have a theory: all Quidditch blokes are stupid. See, I even have a list to prove it!
Proof That Quidditch Blokes are Dumber than Fuck:
1) Scorpius Malfoy – my dear cousin believes that it is considered genius to turn someone’s hair pink (despite the fact that said person can just turn it back). He also dates only dumb, blonde bimbos when it’s clearer than mineral water that he’s pining after my best friend. Even if I don’t want him to.
2) Blue Eyes – possibly the most clueless person that I have ever met. I don’t think I even need to go into this.
3) Burly – used to torment the girl that he is now in love with. Gee, what a charmer.
4) Hugo – thought it would be amusing to invite a clown to Rose’s sixteenth birthday party (flashback to be provided later), despite the fact that both me and her are bloody terrified of the little creeps.
5) The Dreamy One – is the product of Luna Lovegood and Rolf Scamander. Must I continue?
6) Blondie – not enough information. Will get back to you on this.
7) Albus Potter – although he is perfect, beautiful, charming, funny, witty, clever, muscular, attractive, smart, perfect, hot, friendly – erm, I think you understand now – he has one major flaw: he doesn’t realize that I’m head over heels in love with him.
“Hello? Ariadne? Chase? Ree? Reagan? HELLO?”
I blinked as the fingers continued to snap under my nose, and realized, with a start, that while I was constructing my brilliant mental list, time had progressed and both of the Quidditch players were trying to shake me awake from my ADD-induced haze.
“What?” I snapped, shoving the hand away. “I’m awake, calm yourselves.”
“Don’t do that!” Blue said, his eyes large.
“Do what?” I asked.
“Stare off into space for long periods of time – we thought you’d died or something!” Burly cried.
I stared at them.
“Did you check for a pulse?”
Of course not.
Once again – why am I the only person who makes any sense around here?!
“Oi, move over, I can’t see!”
“Stop elbowing me, woman, that bloody –”
“I’m not elbowing you, you prat, I just want you to move –”
“Ack, Chase! Your hair just got in my mouth –”
“I don’t bloody care; move the fuck over – !”
“Now I can’t see!”
“You’re bigger than I am, you’ll – Oi! What are you doing?!”
“Shut up, everyone will be able to hear us!” With that, Blue Eyes pulled me back onto his lap and proceeded to breath heavily in my ear as he attempted to gaze over my shoulder at the scene currently unfolding in front of us.
I’ll freely admit it – we’re nosy stalkers.
I mean, we didn’t really have to squeeze ourselves into the convenient little niche behind this wonderfully placed tapestry, but we thought we might as well just go all out.
This goes to prove that me and Blue Eyes are both fucking idiots who should never be allowed to think again.
“Shh,” Blue Eyes reminded me unnecessarily as Burly nervously approached Dom.
“I am bloody shh-ing, you turd!” I hissed indignantly. He poked my side to get to shut up once again – I huffed angrily – and pressed his eye closer to the hole in the fabric.
Yes, we have resorted to making holes in the tapestry (which, honestly, doesn’t matter since it’s really only just a glorified blanket with pictures on it) so that we can peek through them at Burly and Dom.
Don’t judge us.
We need to know if all of our hard work has come to fruition. You see, Burly took three hours to practice saying a simple ‘hello’ to Dom. Well, technically it was me, but I’d transfigured myself so that I looked exactly like her.
Either way, we soon learned that Burly couldn’t stay within ten feet of Dom for over a minute without saying something rude/stupid/offensive. Apparently, she brought out the ‘total douche’ characteristics in him, and he was having difficulties controlling them around her.
Ergo, we spent three hours in the Room of Requirement, making sure that Burly didn’t say anything dumb. He can’t mess this up – there’s no way. I mean, even I have his conversation memorized at this point:
Hey, Dom, how’s it going? Listen, I just wanted to formally apologize for being a prat. Maybe we can, you know…possibly be friends or something?
Yes, that took him three hours to master.
It’s okay, though. After this, it’ll all be worth it, I just know.
“Er…” Burly gulped, ran his hand through his hair, took a deep breath, and hesitantly reached out to tap Dom’s shoulder. She was talking animatedly to a friend, and her face was still open and friendly as she turned around.
Then she caught sight of him, and her expression froze. Then he froze.
I cursed loudly. Blue Eyes poked me. A first year screamed and ran away, yelling about haunted tapestries.
And Burly and Dom looked at each other.
“Hi?” Burly finally said timidly. Dom raised an eyebrow.
“Can I help you?” She said in a cold voice dripping with disdain. The way she said it, she might as well have been telling him that she loathed him with every inch of her being.
Burly swallowed again and worked to smile – the result was a mix between a grimace and a look of constipation.
“Er…I was…um…” He stuttered.
This isn’t part of the script! I wanted to yell at him. Come on, you rehearsed this for hours!
“…you were…um…” She prompted, indicating for him to go on.
He swallowed thickly and looked desperately around the room. “Er…”
Real smooth, Burly. Real smooth.
Dom sighed exasperatedly. “Look, if you’re just going to just waste my time by standing there and stuttering at me, you might as well –”
I clapped a hand to my face. Oh, gods.
And of course, Burly just has to make it worse by inserting an extremely creepy smile. Holy god, Burly, we know you have a fabulous set of pearly white teeth; you don’t need to strain to show them all to her! And, jeez, must you have your eyes open so wide?
This is a disaster.
“What?” Dom asked.
Burly then proceeded to slap himself across the face. He, honest to god, slapped himself across the face. His own hand. Slapping his own face.
What the fuck is wrong with him?
“Okay,” He said, taking a deep breath and rotating his head a little, just like this was a challenging Quidditch move that he had to master. “Okay. Let’s start over. Right. You know what to say, Scottie, you’ve got it all down. Come on, man. You’re not just good-looking – you’re downright sexy. Think sexy. Think sexy. Alright, let’s do this thing.”
And now he is talking to himself.
Apparently, so does Dominique Weasley, as she is currently staring at him in a very appalled manner.
“HiI’mScottwhat’syourname?!” He asked enthusiastically, his face back to its former creepiness.
What. Is. He. Doing.
“Wait – no, that was the wrong one!” He cried desperately, running his hands through his hair. “I was supposed to say something else; I had it bloody memorized, for crying out loud – why can’t I remember…”
Dom was slowly inching away from him, fright and shock showing clearly on her face. He continued muttering under his breath, trying to figure out what to say next. Meanwhile, my eyes were wide and frozen in complete horror, while Blue Eyes tried not to pee himself in laughter. The tapestry was wobbling dangerously, ready to fall at any second, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the utterly pathetic scene in front of me.
Maybe I’m a masochist and just enjoy putting myself through pain. That would explain a lot. Like being in love with Al, who is way out of my league, or…or…oh, I have a good one! Or trying out for the bloody Quidditch team even though I can’t play.
“Aha!” Burly said in triumph. “I remember now – hey, where are you going?” His eyes were large and worried as he looked at Dom, who was no longer even attempting to be discreet about the fact that she was trying to get the hell away from him.
“I don’t know what is wrong with you,” She said in a low voice, shaking her head back and forth. “But seriously – keep me out of it.”
“No – come back –!” He cried, extending his hand towards her to hold her back. Looking completely repulsed, she promptly turned around and started running up the girl’s staircase, him trailing desolately after her.
“Dom – no, come on, at least hear me out – I love you! I love you! Come back! Don’t walk away from me! I love you!” He was on the ground at this point, his hands thrown upwards in her direction.
He looks like a scene from a shitty old romance movie.
“Just stay away from me, you freak!” Was her loving response before she slammed the door shut.
Burly broke down into tears, and, at the same time, Blue finally managed to completely pull down the tapestry.
As the dust cleared away, all eyes were on me.
“Would you care to explain yourselves?”
I sighed and nibbled on my lower lip, keeping my eyes lowered at the floor. Beside me on either side, both Blue Eyes and Burly were also hunched down, keeping silent save from an occasional sniffle from Burly. Together we were the picture perfect scene of ‘getting in serious trouble’.
I glanced up, and, upon receiving the full glare of Minnie, promptly winced and lowered my eyes to the floor again. Merlin.
“Sneaking into the Ravenclaw tower, harassing one of the prefects, and on top of all that, defacing their common room – what were you thinking?”
“Well, when you put it that way, professor, it sounds a lot worse.” Burly pointed out reasonably.
Minnie shot him another sharp glare. “You will be quiet, Mr. Droverly.”
There was another silence during which she looked expectantly at us. When we all failed to speak, she sighed angrily, “Well?”
“I thought you said we weren’t supposed to talk.” Blue Eyes said, his voice laced with clear innocence. Minnie’s nostrils flared; a sure sign of an impending explosion.
“Professor – we really weren’t trying to do those things.” I quickly said in a soothing voice before she lost her cool and went all psycho-old-lady on us. I know for a fact that she keeps a bag of cat food in her office purely to beat students with it when she gets really pissed at them.
…okay, I heard it from Scorpius, who, I will admit, isn’t the most reliable source. But, honestly, can’t you just see that happening in your head?
Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh!
“Well, then what exactly were you trying to do?” She raised a sharp, angular eyebrow, and the amusing picture vanished clear from my mind.
I gulped. “Erm – we were, uh…”
“They were helping me, Professor.” Burly piped up. All three of us turned around to look at him.
“Helping you?” McGonagall echoed. “With what, exactly?”
‘ABORT!’ I mouthed at Burly behind her back. ‘WE GO DOWN TOGETHER, OR NOT AT ALL! SHUT UP NOW!’
He didn’t seem to comprehend a word that I was mouthing.
Note to self: teach minions to understand lip-speak. Will make life much easier.
“They were helping me woo Dominique Weasley.” Burly smiled dreamily.
Seriously, Burly – woo? What is this, The Middle Ages?
McGonagall stared at him. “And destroying her common room was supposed to help with that, how…?”
“I messed up.” Burly said deploringly. “I was supposed to be smart and sexy and charming and sexy and handsome and sexy – did I mention I was supposed to be really sexy?”
“You might have mentioned it, yes.” She said dryly.
“Instead, he ended up awkward, creepy and…creepy.” I sighed. “Now we’ll have to re-think the plan and everything.”
“You have a plan.” McGonagall said flatly, sounding slightly frightened.
“Yeah!” Blue Eyes piped up. “It’s a great plan; it’s going to help us all win over the loves of our lives!”
She stared at him for a beat.
“…just exactly how does this plan tie into destroying the Ravenclaw Common room, again?”
We’re so stupid, we just stumped McGonagall. We should get an award.
“It doesn’t.” Blue explained patiently, like she was the mental one here instead the three of us. “That was a mistake. I was laughing at Scottie and so I pulled down the blanket –”
“Tapestry.” McGonagall corrected.
“Same difference.” He waved his hand at her. “I didn’t mean to pull down the blanket – it sort of just fell down. We’ll fix it if you want.”
“It’s a tapestry, Mr. Cowen.” McGonagall repeated in a tight voice.
He just looked at her.
She sighed and rubbed her temples slowly. “Should have retired years ago…getting too old for this…” She muttered under her breath. The three of us exchanged glances.
“You three will fix the tapestry . And formally write a letter of apology to the Ravenclaw House.” She decided.
…seriously? No detention?
“Now please leave before I give you detention.” She continued in her weary voice. We were gone before she could even finish the sentence.
“What do you mean, you can’t come to practice on Saturday?”
I stared at him. “…what part of that sentence don’t you understand?”
I mean, I thought I was being pretty clear with him, but since I usually turn into a puddle of goo whenever he’s around, I might not have spoken English.
I think I actually spoke in troll to him once.
I don’t even bloody know troll. I just snorted a lot. And grunted a couple of times. He asked me what I was doing, so I told him I was practicing my troll.
I was really trying to tell him that his eyes look nice.
Al ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “All three of you?”
The three of us nodded in unison. I was the only one who managed to look abashed.
“What exactly were you even doing in the Ravenclaw Common room?” Al asked us, irritation still clear in his voice.
I exchanged a panicked glance with Burly. “Er…we were just…um…nargle…hunting.” I invented wildly. “We followed a couple of nargles into the mmmphshnrgle.” Burly quickly covered my mouth with his hand before I could get out another idiotic word.
“Russell was hungry and we got lost.” Burly said, and to my immense surprise, Al nodded understandingly.
How come he can lie and I can’t?! What kind of injustice is this? Why have the fates done this to me? Why am I the poor shmuck stuck with the suckiest genes in the human gene pool?!
This is so unfair. My life is crap.
“So…you pulled down a tapestry.” Al confirmed, amusement splaying across his beautiful face.
“No – Russell pulled down the tapestry.” Burly said. His hand was still covering my mouth, and I was finding it rather difficult to breathe, something that I tried to make known by repeatedly stepping on Burly’s foot and scrabbling wildly at his hand.
Why am I such a failure? Why can’t anything ever be easy for me?!
“What was he even doing by the tapestry?”
What is this? Twenty questions? Meanwhile, I’m struggling just to breathe.
“Merlin knows.” Burly shrugged. I elbowed him in the ribs, but only managed to create a large bruise on my arm.
Note to self: work out.
Al sighed. “Well, guess we’ll have to switch practice to Sunday.”
I’m starting to get lightheaded. Black spots are appearing in my vision – that’s not normal, is it? I swear I am going to kill Burly with my bare hands.
…after I work out.
“That’s alright with…” The rest of the sentence drowned out in a wave of black as I finally fainted due to severe lack of oxygen.
And I repeat: MY LIFE IS CRAP.
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