Chapter 12 : Dreams
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“Leave me alone!” I yelled and pulled my pillow over my head to try to block out the noise.
“I can’t do that, Cinderella.” Sirius told me cheerfully. If that boy doesn’t shut up soon I’ll kill him till he’s dead.
He jumped on my bed and sang very loudly and obnoxiously. Why did he have to be so annoying? It’s way too early for this.
“Shut up!” I screamed at him.
“We’re going to be late Cinderella. Wake up! We have to leave in ten minutes and you’re not even packed.
I groaned loudly and reluctantly sat up. I glared at him. If looks could kill he would be dead. “I hate you,” I muttered dangerously.
“Yeah, yeah. I know. Now get up.”
I smirked and pushed him off my bed. He crashed onto the floor and hit mouth fell open in shock. He growled at me. I smiled innocently back at him.
“I’m up!” I stated cheerfully.
“Crazy girl. She’ll be the death of me, I swear.” He mumbled to himself as he stood up.
I grabbed some clothes off the floor and threw them on after making Sirius turn around.
“Cinderella!” Stephanie yelled as she pounded on my door. “Are you awake yet?” she asked.
“No,” I yelled back. “I’m sleeping,”
I could almost see her rolling her eyes.
“Hurry up. We’re leaving in five minutes.” I heard her footsteps fade as she walked away.
Sirius smirked and raised an eyebrow at me. He watched from his position on my bed in amusement as I scurried around my room trying to gather all my stuff and make it fit in my trunk.
“Why don’t you magic?” he asked.
I stopped what I was doing and stared at him with my best ‘duh’ look. “I’m an awful witch.” He should know that.
He smirked at me and flicked his wand. My scattered stuff flew to my trunk and neatly packed itself inside. He flicked his wand again and the trunk snapped shut.
I glared at him. “I hate you,”
He gasped and clutched his chest dramatically. “You’ve broken my heart! My poor heart, it will never be the same again.”
I threw a shoe at him.
I heard the train whistle blow and the train jerked as it started to move. We were finally going back to Hogwarts and for once I was kind of sad to be going. I had enjoyed the break more than I thought I would. It was the best break I ever had, minus the beginning of break with my family. I was glad to be going back though. I wouldn’t have to see my family until Valentine’s Day when Sarah gets married. No more listened to her bragging about getting married and telling me how imperfect I am. I was free from them, at least for a little while.
Neither Sirius nor I had mentioned the kiss. He had a moment of insanity and I wasn’t going to bring it up. I never would have thought that my first kiss would be with Sirius Black. I never thought I would be friends with him or dating him.
I leaned against him shoulder and he automatically wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He grabbed my hand with his other hand and drew gentle circles on my skin. I felt myself relax and closed my eyes. He knew that circles made me feel better. I don’t know why, they just do. They always have. I always draw circles when I’m upset or don’t want to think about something.
I felt myself slipping out of consciousness. My eyes felt heavy and my lack of sleep was catching up with me. I felt Sirius’s hand tuck my bangs behind my ear before drifting to sleep.
It was snowing. The soft snowflakes clung to my hair and melted on my nose. I knew it was cold but I couldn’t feel it, I was too used to it. There was a small girl sitting on the porch steps of the small, rundown house in front of me. Tears streaked her little face. She was no older than five. She was shivering in the bitter cold. She was wearing a too small t-shirt and a pair of ripped, worn out jeans that were at least two sizes too big for her small body. Her tiny hands were clamped over her ears trying to block out the voices.
They were fighting again, they were always fighting. It was because of her, she knew it was. Tears fell thick and fast down her face. The voices grew louder. She couldn’t block them out no matter how hard she tried. Their harsh words were like a knife to her heart. Each slash left a deep gash that would never heal.
She was always doing something wrong. She was always being blamed for something. It didn’t matter if she was innocent, they didn’t care. She wasn’t what they wanted, she never had been.
“She’s not normal!” a woman screeched.
The little girl sucked in a sharp breath and sobbed silently.
“What do you want me to do?” a man yelled back. “We don’t even know what’s wrong with her!”
“I don’t care! She’s a freak, a disgrace! I’m ashamed to call her my daughter! She’s worthless!”
The girl rocked back and forth. What had she done wrong? What had she done that made her them hate her so much? It wasn’t her fault that weird things happened to her. She couldn’t control it. She tried to but she couldn’t. She didn’t understand why the weird things happened to her. They hated the weird things she did. They hated her.
She couldn’t take it anymore. Her face was contorted in pain. Her tears wouldn’t stop, she had to get away. She stood up on her shaky legs and ran. Her bare feet smacked the icy street. The ice cut mercilessly into her flesh. She couldn’t stop, she had to get away. Her feet slipped out from under her and she crashed to the ground. Her lip smashed against the ice and broke open. She spit blood out of her mouth. She could barely feel the pain in her lip. I watched her push herself up again and keep running. Tears froze on her cheeks. They hated her. Their words echoed in her mind. She was worthless. They hated her.
They hated her.
She couldn’t stop the tears. She wanted to get as far away as possible. They hated her.
My eyes snapped open and I jumped violently. I was breathing hard. I was crying. Stephanie, Marissa, James, and Sirius all stared at me with wide, worried eyes.
I bit my quivering lip and tried to hold in my uncontrollable sobs. Tears fell from my eyes and I couldn’t stop them. Sirius pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around me. He rubbed my back and whispered words of comfort that I couldn’t understand in my ear. I clung on to him as though the world was going to end if I let go.
I was falling apart. I could feel myself breaking. I tried so hard to forget my past. I tried so hard not to remember what they had done and said to me. Years, it had been years since I had dreamed of it. I thought I was finally free, I thought I was moving on. Why did this happen? Why did I have to have another dream? Why couldn’t my past just stay in the past? Why wouldn’t it leave me alone?
“It was just a dream,” Sirius whispered to me.
I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could.
“No it wasn’t.” I whispered to him. “No it wasn’t.”
He rubbed my back and kept whispering in my ear. My sobs eventually slowed and my deadly grip on Sirius’s shirt loosened. He pulled me onto his lap and I wiped the tears off my wet cheeks with my shirt.
Sirius held me tightly and all my fears disappeared. I felt safe with his arms around. He would protect me. He would keep me safe from the cruelties of the world. He wouldn’t let them touch me. He was my protector and as much as I hated to admit it, I needed him. I needed him like I needed air. He always knew exactly what to say. He knew what I needed and when. I don’t know how I ever survived without him. I can’t imagine my life without him now. He made me feel better. He made me laugh when I was upset and made me smile when I needed it. He made my life a little brighter.
He didn’t ask me if I was okay because he knew I wasn’t but he also knew I wasn’t going to tell him what was I dreamed about so he didn’t even bother asking. He knew I would tell if I wanted him to know. He wouldn’t push me for an answer but he’ll want to know. Maybe I’ll tell him someday, when I’m ready but not now, not now.
I can’t escape my past no matter how hard I try to run from it. It always catches up to me in the end. It haunts me. It won’t let me move on with my life. I can’t hide from it; my past always finds me in the end.
My friends watched me with worried eyes. They had no idea about the horrors of my past. They couldn’t even imagine what I’ve been through. They know I have issues but it’s much worse than anything they could ever come up with. They’ve never felt the kind of pain that I have. They’ve never suffered the way I suffered. Sometimes I hate them for it. I envy their happy, perfect lives. I envy their loving families. Why couldn’t I have what they did? What had I done to deserve this?
Nothing; I had done nothing wrong. I was punished for being me. I was hated because of who I am, for something I can’t control.
They hated me and nothing was ever going to change that. Nothing would ever make it stop hurting. I could run as far as I wanted to but the past would always find me.
I was broken. I was damaged. I was shattered into a million tiny pieces that wouldn’t fit back together. I tried many times to pick up the pieces but I failed every time and nobody would help me. Nobody could see what I was going through; they never tried to look beyond the surface. They never tried to find what lie behind my mask. If they had they would know that I was falling apart. I couldn’t hold the broken pieces anymore. I was drowning. I was screaming in a crowded room and nobody could hear me because nobody wanted to. People turn their backs to the bad in life. They don’t want to know the bad things that happen. They want to know the good and ignore the bad.
The world abandoned me. I needed help and nobody came. I’m worthless, I’m not worth saving. I reached out my hand and they let me fall. I gave up all hope of being rescued long ago. I turned my back on the world just like it turned its back on me.
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