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What's That Word? by Groundswell
Chapter 12 : They Call It Jealousy
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 13

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Okay, before getting too excited, this is an experiment. I really would have loved for this chapter to work out another way, but couldn't. This is not written from Lily's POV, but instead giving us a little insight into James' head, which, I admit, I kind of liked. Those of you who know me, know I hate changing POVs, but here I am, doing it. The next chapter will be back in Lily's head, trust me, but I really would like to know how you think this is, when you're done reading of course.
Also, this has neither been sent to a beta or been read through more than once yet, so please be fair :P

The Call It Jealousy

Ever since he first had taken in interest in Lily Evans, James had pictured at least a hundredth different scenarios of how it would happen, flowers, kissing in the moonlight, proclamations of love, but never in his dreams had he thought that this would be what he got. Never had he thought that things like this really happened. Never.

But as he watched her, looking around for something she had apparently lost, he couldn't help but being a little disappointed in himself. In himself or in Lily he didn't know, but one thing was for sure, and that was that this just wasn't right. It was Lily! How had it come to this? How had he been so stupid to begin with?

Definitely disappointed in the way things had turned out.

He knew the answer of course. That January evening almost a year back. Really, it wasn't that bad everything she had said, but somehow at that point he had just been fed up with all of it, and it had seen easier to simply be mad at her rather than put a smile on and forgive her. Not that he had wanted to forgive her, no way, but he had wanted her to want his forgiveness. Which she hadn't sought once. Therefore she hadn't gotten it, and maybe it all had died and they had both forgotten some of the worst, and somehow he knew that this meant that everything between them couldn't be as bad as he had thought them.

She turned around to him, pulling her hair back into a ponytail, and sent him a quick smile. No, definitely not as bad. “Sorry,” she muttered, “for what I said before... I, um...” It seemed to trouble her.

He waved with his hand. “It's okay.”

She shifted her weight from leg to leg a few times, and he wondered if there was more. But as she didn't speak, he didn't want to bother pushing her. If it was very important she'd say it, and if she was dancing around it for a long time, it was just something that she needed a little push to say, and then he would give it.

She had her hand on the handle, but hadn't yet turned. She bit her lower lip for a second, and then turned. “I'll see you around.” The door opened and shut before he had had time to answer.

With a sigh he shut his eyes and let his body give away, falling back on the bed. Bad, no. Complicated, yes.

Not that he hadn't always known that Lily was a complicated girl, hell, every guy on the castle would say the same thing, but he just wished that she, instead of keeping it in her head, over thinking it, she would speak up once in a while. But chances were that he probably didn't even want to hear it. If she doesn't speak up, don't make her. So had Sirius said at least a couple of times (with Remus and Peter nodding in agreement every time), and James even agreed with him, but he just wished he knew what was going on behind those eyes just once in a while.

Had it something to do with him even? Was it something about the upcoming Christmas break in just five days? Did she want to stop this little thing they had? Would she ever tell him? Because one thing was he sure of, and that was that it was something she wanted to talk to him about, but at the same time didn't. And was it even that important?

Maybe he should just let it go.

And like that, it was forgotten. With fresh energy in his body he got up form the bed and left the dorm, heading straight for the Great Hall where he knew he would find his friends.

Most of the school must have sat there. With the Christmas decorations spreading warmth, each December the Great Hall was far more populated than the rest of the year, filled with students chatting about the upcoming break or simply enjoying each other's company.

He stopped for a second in the entrance, taking in the sight of the Christmas trees and the glow everything in there seemed to have. Then, with a smile upon his lips, he started moving towards the Gryffindor table, where he found Remus and Peter deep in conversation.

“Where's our fourth man?” he asked as he sat down.

Remus nodded towards the Hufflepuff table where Sirius sat, leaning across the table, swallowed up in a conversation with a girl James easily recognised as Erin Seaholm. His eyes were caught by a girl by the Ravenclaw table, who sent him a smile. He smiled back before nodding to himself, turning to the others.

“What are we doing?”

They exchanged glances. “Um,” Peter answered, “sitting here, I suppose...”

“Clever.” James yawned and slowly laid down on the bench, noticing Lily and a few other girls a little farther down, talking together in hushed voices. He closed his eyes. “Okay,” he said, maybe more to himself than anyone else. “Okay.”

“What is it?” Remus poked him in the side as he asked.

He searched for the words a few seconds, before realising what was wrong. “I'm restless.”


He sat up again. “We need to do something!”

“Just wait five days,” Peter said. “Christmas prank.”

“Too long time.”

“It's five days, James.” Remus eyed him. “Why the sudden rush?”

James shrugged. “Dunno...” He thought about it for a few seconds, but again he only came up with the restless answer. He closed his eyes a few seconds, tired, all previous energy now gone.

It had all happened in a blur. The whole training, really. Lily had arranged a last training the day before the holidays started, with the Ravenclaws they had lost to only last weekend. Maybe, when thinking back, it had started there, at the warm up at the match. Though James hadn't noticed anything by then. He could see it now.

And then, with Lily sitting like that in front of him, he slowly came to realise it all.

“What were you thinking?” he asked, his voice was perfectly under control, but he knew he couldn't keep it like that for long.

She looked at him through her hair, anger filling her eyes. “Piss off, Potter. Just piss off.”


“Leave me alone!” she hissed.



“NO!” he banged his hand against the wall as he said it. “Someone has to put some sense into that head of your, might as well be me.”

She got up. “It was an accident, stop bugging me.”

He took a deep breath. “Come on, Lily. I saw that in your eyes. It was anger.” She was about to exit, but he grabbed her arm, holding her back. “What were you thinking?”

She spun around. “Don't pretend you don't know!”

He frowned. But he didn't know. What could Lily possible have against that Ravenclaw girl? He thought back. They hadn't even talked. Lily had thrown some nasty glances once in a while, and he only had noticed because he just happened to stand right next to the Ravenclaw girl at the time.

She wrenched her arm free, scowling.

“I don't get it,” he said.

She studied him for a second. “Don't lie.”

He thought back. The tackle had been too high; he had seen that. He had also seen the angry glint Lily's eyes had had throughout the whole training, but he simply couldn't comprehend why. It was unlike Lily to lose her temper just because they were losing. And it was just training. It was not anything he had thought she would ever do. But then her angry eyes broke into his mind again. Obviously she didn't like the girl.

But why? James hadn't talked much to the girl ever, but they'd talked throughout the training, he had even found himself laughing. She was a very likeable person, and Lily was a very acceptable person. What was her problem with the Ravenclaw girl? Why had she felt the need to do an illegal tackle and harm her?

It wasn't the Lily he knew, that was for sure.

“What's your problem with her?”

Lily was still, unmoving. “Ava? Pfff! Like you don't know.” She seemed to want to leave again, but kept in place, looking at him.

“I don't!” he said. “Please explain!”

She sighed. “It was just the way she...” Her face turned red. “Are you happy now?” she burst.

“Do I look happy?” He was close to yelling. “Lily, losing your head like that is not acceptable. It's irresponsible and not tolerated. It's so unlike you.”

“I know!” she yelled. “I know, James! But of course, take her side. I knew you would.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“Come on! You've been shoving it in my face the whole day since the match. Don't act like you don't know what we're talking about.”

“Well I don't! All I know is seeing you act like an idiot on the field. Disrespecting all rules and everything. Disappointing all of us with that display, me including. That's what I saw. So please tell me, what are we talking about?”

“You and that Ava girl.” Her voice was low. “I knew it was coming, but I thought you had guts to at least tell me when it was over.” And with those words she left the changing room.

James was standing completely still, running over the conversation again. What had been coming? Had she meant it was over between them? What had she seen that he hadn't seen? Did she just break this thing they had off? But what exactly had just happened?

Then the first hit came. Lily had apparently thought Ava was interested in him.

The the second hit. Lily thought he was interested in Ava too.

Third hit. Lily had gotten angry and let it get away with her.

And then he realised it. Lily Evans was jealous.

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