Chapter 1 : To Love a Monster
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The quote in bold is from the song Lose You by Pete Yorn.
The quotes underlined are by Oscar Wilde.
TO LOVE A MONSTER
“No, Tonks!” I insisted firmly, my face filled with anger. It broke my heart to see her in so much pain, but it was for the best. There was no way I was going to endanger her life because she loved a monster.
“Why not?” she whispered. We must have had this argument over a hundred times already. Every time it was the same.
In a brusque tone of finality, I said, “I don’t want to put you in danger. I don’t want to pass my condition on.” And with that, I turned around and walked away, leaving her crying on the sidewalk. I didn’t want to. But I had to.
As I disapparated at the end of the isolated street, my mind thought about Tonks. I did love her. I loved her so much; I didn’t want to be near her at all. Because loving a monster is a dangerous, horrible idea. I had learnt my lesson last time, and I would remember it for the rest of my life.
“Hey Remus!” a voice eagerly said. I walked over to the love of my life and kissed her fully on the lips. She grinned in satisfaction as I sat down across from her.
“So… why are we here?” she asked, curious. I had told her to meet me here because I was finally going to propose to her after twenty months of dating. Of course, I was nervous at the prospect, but I was sure that this was the right time to do it. I loved her with all my heart, and all my soul.
As we chatted for an hour over dinner about inconsequential, typical things – the news, how our day went, updates about friends and family, we neared the end of the night. She was definitely mystified now, and no wonder, I was acting very weirdly. When the waiter cleared our plates, and a silence fell on our table, I knew it was time.
I fumbled in my coat pocket for the small, delicate box. I looked her in the eye, and stood up. As I bent down on one knee, she gasped and whispered, “Are you doing what I think you’re doing?” I ignored her, and gazed up at her with all the love I felt. I stared into those beautiful hazel eyes, and said the words slowly; putting all the emotions I was feeling into it. “Will you marry me?” Her eyes glistened with happy tears, and as she murmured a simple “Yes,” we moved forward to embrace, and shared a kiss that made me feel, there was no other way to explain it – alive. The room had fallen silent, but now burst with applause as I smiled with joy, and slipped the sparkling ring onto her slender finger.
I would die for her. Because I loved her. But instead, she had died for me. I flicked back to that day. It should’ve been one of the happiest of my life. But it had turned into the worst, unimaginable horror-filled day.
“I love you,” I breathed.
“I love you too,” she replied. We began what seemed like our hundredth kiss.
We lay on our backs blissfully, enjoying the perfect moment. It was utterly silent, apart from the occasional soughs of the wind and creaking of the trees. We had just watched the breathtaking sun set through the trees. I sighed contentedly as I reflected on how beautiful the past few days had been. Tonight was the last day of our honeymoon, and it was absolutely perfect.
A ring of all types of flowers created a myriad of colours, and we were surrounded by a halo of willow trees. It was growing dark now. But we wanted to spend the last night together out under the stars.
I leaned over her, and inhaled her sweet aroma. She laughed quietly and pulled me up for yet another kiss. As we were reaching the need for a breath, my insides erupted with pain. It was like a fire had been lit inside of me. I had never felt this way before when she kissed me. I groaned in agony and she broke away abruptly, unsure what was happening.
In an instant, I knew. I looked up to the sky, that had darkened without us noticing and she followed my shocked look. The full moon glowed, eerie against the night sky. I had told her a few weeks after we had started dating. She had respected it, and persuaded me that she was okay with it, but now she looked fearful.
I knew I had seconds before I transformed. In fact, I could feel myself transforming already. In a hoarse voice, I urged her to go back, run, move and leave me. She seemed frozen with anxiety and terror. I couldn’t blame her, I must’ve looked dreadful, and she had never seen me like this before.
I couldn’t do anything more. With a whimpering howl of pain, my body completely altered to that of a wolf’s. I wasn’t human anymore.
I have no recollection of what I did. Except that the next day, when I woke up with bruises, I surveyed the now damaged garden that was splattered in blood. Her blood undoubtedly I thought, my mind turning numb. My stomach felt sick, and I was in shock. I stood up and ran back to our cottage as fast as I could, repeating to myself that it was a dream. Just a bad dream. I would wake up, and she’d be next to me on the bed. But she was nowhere to be found.
Years later, even now, my heart aches for her. I wish I’d never started it. All it had lead to was the death of the one I loved. I had attacked and bitten her ferociously. Being full moon, she had transformed too. This was unusual, but not unheard of. We must have had a fight, and I can tell that she must have ran away, probably dripping with blood, and had died from her injuries in some unknown place.
I remembered the look on her parent’s faces when I went. It was predominantly filled with grief, yet shock and disgust were evident on the features that was so like their daughter’s. I had bowed my head in shame. I too was filled with revulsion for myself. It took two years before I moved on with my life. But even today, I will never forget that day. I will never forget her. I know I will never love again. Not completely.
“Remus, please!” she begged. I’ve never seen her this distraught.
“I don’t care!”
“I do.” More than ten years later, I still hadn’t forgotten the incident. I never would. It was constantly in my thoughts these days.
I love Tonks, like I loved her. I loved Tonks with all the half of my heart that was still intact. But I couldn’t possibly risk it happening again.
“I’ll kill you by accident.” I said, emotionless.
“No you won’t. I have faith in you,” she pleaded.
I swept my cloak aside and apparated to a crooked house. A second later, she appeared right beside me. I strode in without looking at her again, and entered the kitchen. Of course, she followed me straight inside.
At one look at our faces, Mrs. Weasley, the only adult that was currently at the Burrow, put her hands on her hips and spoke in a motherly tone, “Remus, stop being ridiculous!” she fussed. I wanted to rage at her in frustration. I couldn’t do it, not with what had happened before. I hadn’t told anyone about her. Not Mrs. Weasley. Not Tonks. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone. Not a soul really knew the whole story. Even when I had told her parents I had edited the story.
“I’ve told you over and over again Tonks. I am too old, too dangerous and too poor. You deserve someone younger who won’t threaten your life regularly because they’re a monster, and can give you the best,” I almost shouted back furiously, yet bitterly.
“You are the best…” she whispered. “I don’t need a better thing, I’ll settle for less.” The last thing I heard before I apparated home was, “If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.”
I wanted to lash out with the anger that was slowly, day by day, increasingly building up inside me. But of course, I didn’t want to hurt Tonks. The years old memories of her were becoming something that I brooded on even more constantly now. Shouldn’t they be fading away? What was wrong with me? I thought angrily.
I am still unsure, and at times I still deeply regret it. What if it happened again? I knew that the second time around, I would never be able to forgive and live with myself. Knowing what I know, and still doing it. I’m just about paranoid now. I know I frustrate Tonks, but I need to take extra precautions. The Wolfsbane Potion should keep my mind human, but I still leave a day earlier and venture into the Shrieking Shack, where past memories no longer haunt me.
It was my heart that convinced me. My heart had yearned for Tonks. So much, it became unbearable to live without her. It came to the day I had to decide. Either love her, or push her away, out of my life, and never see her again. I am an appallingly terrible person. I can resist everything except temptation. And since I cannot live without her, I chose my life over hers.
Something that comforts me, whenever I feel guilty, is the memory of the union of our two souls, at our wedding. Hidden beneath the vows that our guests heard and understood was a shrouded message.
I promise you my deepest love, my fullest devotion, my tenderest care.
I would be more careful this time around. Much, much more careful.
“Teddy…” I cooed, holding my beautiful sleeping little boy close to me. The morning sunlight shone through the window and illuminated him, focusing my attention on how angelic he was. He was so adorable and cute, yet fragile and he was nearing one month now. Tonks stood in the doorway, and smiled at me happily. She walked towards me and put an arm around me. I felt my eyes glisten as I remembered everything about her, and finally let go. This was my family now.
That night, we curled up in bed together and looked endearingly at our son playing around with some blocks quietly in a cot. I smiled and thought about how much I loved him. And her of course.
“To love a monster…” I sigh, as I remember my childhood that was filled with hate.
“…all you need is true love,” Tonks murmured, finishing my unfinished sentence.
Author's Note: I hope you actually understood this fic. It was supposed to be a previous memory of Remus with another character that I have left unnamed. It is the reason why he was hesitant to accept Tonks. If I left you confused, please leave a review so I know! Please review. This is my first one shot, and second completed piece of writing, so I would really appreciate it if you could review. Critique is fine and would be greatly appreciated. If I get the time I would definitely take a look at your stories in return! Thank you for reading!