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Chapter 21 : The World Will Never Do
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I felt myself shaking as tears flowed down my cheeks recklessly but I couldn’t comprehend it. She didn’t say it. I felt the electricifying infuriation surge through my veins as she stood in front of me unruffled and still. I hated her.
“Get the fuck away from me.”
I practically ran away from her. I didn’t know where I was going but I just had to move. I couldn’t stay there…She kept an even distance from as she walked behind me as I rushed down the steps as fast as I could walk. I just had to keep moving. I was so fragile I knew if I even slowed down in the slightest I’d break. It wouldn’t be a small thing. My armor was cracking and I didn’t think I could take the downfall.
“You’re,” I gulped down some saliva violently, “Saying I caused it?!”
“Yes,” She told me simply, “It as in all of it.”
I wanted to throttle her throat and I nearly did. “How the HELL was it my fault?!”
“You could have lied to your father.”
“I wasn’t ashamed of it! I wasn’t going to lie anymore about Sirius!”
She shrugged, “And you see how that worked out.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about! IT WASN’T MY FAULT!” I spat venomously pacing back and forth to steady myself.
Her voice was cold. “You assumed Sirius didn’t love you and gave up on you so you wouldn’t feel so guilty about what you did.”
Lexi wouldn’t. She wasn’t scared of me; I could see it in her eyes. She knew she was right. “You could have ran away with him. Instead you faced the one man you knew would hate you for what you did. Then you couldn’t bear to look Sirius in the face because you knew-“
“SHUT UP!” I roared taking her by the throat.
“You knew,” she continued in a ragged whisper as I pinned her against the cold hard stone wall, “He wouldn’t look at you the same way. That he’d blame you.”
I was crying too hard. It was hard to see. “No!”
“You don’t want to see these memories because you know he’d be right. That everyone was right for blaming you.”
“No! THAT’S NOT TRUE!” I shouted loudly dropping her and rushing away from her.
“Really? Then why are you running away?”
I was half way down the staircase when she said that. I froze and crumbled. She was right. I couldn’t take it. The healers words started echoing in my head as I dropped to the floor. I fought to gain control but I couldn’t. “SHUT ….UH UP!”
“And whatever part of you didn’t blame yourself blamed him too.” She told me softly.
I didn’t deny it.
“Because if he hadn’t made you fall in love with him you would have never married him and gotten pregnant.”
I didn’t say anything. I just curled my knees up into my chest and tried to clear my eyes of the water that had sprouted out of them. After a minute I was able to see her again. She looked like she regretted this conversation. Not because of what she said but of the effect it had on me. I then stopped crying so hysterically and considered what she said without letting myself get worked up again. It hit me hard and swiftly. The sincerity of her tone, the knowing in her eyes; she was right. It was my fault and…I did blame Sirius. I couldn’t legalize it until I saw that girl kiss him. I propelled that into a reason to hate him. To blame him for…everything. My excuse was that the miscarriage killed me, which wasn’t far from the truth but wasn’t the truth. The truth was I was scared to try. In one fail swoop I lost everything and I was terrified that if Sirius had found that I lost his baby he would hate me and blame me like I did. So I didn’t fight. Lexi sat on the floor in front of me attentively.
“You done?” I asked her in a breath.
She shook her head and moved forward. I froze until I felt her small muscular arms wrap around me. “Almost.”
I let out a shaky laugh because…I needed that. “...Why did you do this?”
“Because,” She helped me to my feet. “It really wasn’t your fault.”
I starred at her oddly. “What?”
“Come on how were you supposed to know how you’re father would react? He wasn’t violent when you were growing up plus you didn’t know you were pregnant.”
“…Then why did you just say all that to me then?”
“To make you see clearly. Come on.”
I followed her down the remaining staircase in haze. I didn’t know what else she was going to throw at me but considering I was already broken I just let it happen. She went into the empty hospital wing and my legs locked at the door way. She didn’t make me move or ask me to. Lexi just got out the same dust and spread it across the room.
This time I was in the bed unconscious while Sirius and Parker stood above my bed. No one else was in the room but from the darkness of the room I could tell it was late. I never saw how bad I looked. My body was completely broken from all the hits I had taken and Madame Promfrey had me on a strong sedative so I could sleep dreamlessly while she healed me. Parker and Sirius looked shattered. Sirius’s was in a chair directly next to my bed. He held my hand, his wedding ring prominently beaming on his left hand and his head hung in anguish. Parker was trying to stay composed but failing horribly as he looked anywhere but at me.
“What are you going to do?” Parker asked quietly.
Sirius shook his head, “I don’t know what I can do.”
“What do you mean?”
“When we got back from break I went to her house to see her…She wouldn’t see me. I’ve tried to talk to her several times but she just disappeared. I’ve owled her at least 10 times a day…” He gritted his teeth. “And I heard she’s engaged to Regulus.”
Parker’s scowled darkly. “I wouldn’t put it past them.”
“Why wouldn’t she see me?” Sirius glanced up with Parker, tears gleaming in his grey eyes, “Why won’t she let me help her out of this?”
“I dunno mate.” Parker sat in the seat across from Sirius’s dejectedly, “I don’t know how she got herself into this hole but she refuses to see me. She says she doesn’t want to me bring me down with her.”
“It’s only going to get worse for her.”
“I know this is the last thing you want to hear but …” Parker let out sharp breath, “You might need to let go mate. Honestly whatever she’s gotten herself into it’s obvious she doesn’t want you involved. I will start walking with her everywhere and alert the teachers but …you may being her more harm than good. She wouldn’t push you away if she didn’t have a good reason.”
Sirius took this information in slowly before reaching over touching my face lightly with the side of his hand. His expression was so tender and sincere. In that moment Parker saw just how much Sirius loved me.
I felt the tears come back, this time I let them.
“If you love her.” Parker began now positive of the answer, “You have to let her go.”
Sirius took back his hand. “I don’t…” He blinked back tears angrily, “I don’t know if I can.”
“Sometimes loving someone is putting them first and even breaking your heart to do it. It’s a lot but I’m not asking for me. Look at her tell me and you wouldn’t do this for her.”
Sirius looked at me. He focused on my features, clenched his eyes tightly before opening his eyes and letting go of my hand. Then…with everything in him telling him not to he got up and went to the door. He stopped for a minute with a laugh.
“You know I’d always thought I’d screw this up.” He admitted to Parker, “I always thought she was way too good for me and there was no way I’d be able to compete…” Then he looked at me. He looked at me like he would never see me again. Like he was trying to capture every moment in that one glance. “Now…I know that at least I walk away being a better man.”
And he was gone.
Lexi walked over to me and slinked her arm around me so I would cry into her shoulder. I was a fool. I ran away from him because I was scared. But that was…stupid. He forgave me. He still loved me. After everything that man still loved me.
“I’ve been so stupid.” I stammered.
She laughed heartedly. “It’s understandable but guess what?”
“You can leave now.”
I never really needed her permission she never made me stay but her saying so made me feel free. “Thanks.”
She stared at me in a way I didn’t recognize. “You’re welcome.”
I wiped my face laughingly. “I must look awful.”
“Come on,” She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and steered me to the bathroom. “Let’s clean you up.”
I wiped off my smeared makeup, washed my face. I felt like I was washing my life, washing my soul. I took a few breaths to calm myself and allowed the serene silence to take me over as my heart started beating a little slower. Lexi pushed herself up onto the counter next to the sink. She looked around the room with an odd expression. I couldn’t read her. Catching me looking at her she pulled out some tubes of make-up.
“Re-apply.” She told me simply.
It didn’t take as long before. It was more natural, like it used to be. This bathroom held a lot of those memories, the kind that were so simple I didn’t need Lexi’s dust for me to remember….
“Jules,” Taylor scoffed as she added some eyeliner. “Can you pass me my mascara?”
I threw it at her as I put some chapstick on and kicked my legs off the counters edge.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Why weren’t you mad at your friends?” She muttered as she tucked her hair behind her ear, “I mean they gave you up.”
I stopped and shrugged, “Because I knew they would. I grew up with them. I knew from the start what they would do if I went rogue.”
“So you just let it go?”
“Yeah…I mean they were my closest friends but at the end of the day they weren’t what was important.” I frowned, “It hurt but it was manageable.”
I didn’t look at her but I knew that question wasn’t just out of curiosity. That question came from a personal place. I wish I knew why she just seemed so …familiar. Her eyes especially….i couldn’t quite seem to put my finger on it…
“You look pretty.” She remarked jumping off the counter gracefully and distracting me from my thoughts.
We walked out and I sighed. Memories swirled around me. I spent seven years in this castle but instead of getting sad I let go. I let go of the baggage that prevented me from wanting to enter this place in the first place. The past was the past and it was about time I learned to not forget it or bury it but to leave it. Lexi and I walked to the boundary point and I saw her face start to fall the closer we got. When we reached it she let out a long breath.
“This is where I leave you.”
I frowned. I had really become attached to this persistent teenager kicking my ass. “Do you have to?”
“Unfortunately.” Lexi answered gloomly.
Then I moved forward and hugged her. She was taken completely off-guard which wasn’t surprising given my chilliness but it felt good. No it felt right.
“Thank you.” I told her sincerely.
She gave me a watery smile. “You’re welcome.”
“Why are you so familiar?” I just blurted it out. I couldn’t help it. She did so much she had to have a reason.
Lexi gave me a mysterious smirk. “Don’t worry you’ll meet me soon.”
And with that she took out her time turner and left. Somehow it felt like a little piece of me went with her.
I apparated to Sirius’s flat apprehensively. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. Would he be mad I left? Would he understand? I raised my knuckles to the door when I heard a loud crashing sound inside. Scared I whipped out my wand and broke the door open. My jaw dropped as I saw my own brother being pulled off Sirius by James. I got in between them and threw my brother off of my husband.
“WHAT IN-THE-HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”
Nik then looked at me as if he never saw me before. “Jules I-“
“Why would you attack him?!”
“Because Mim said he was so abusive he sent you to the hospital three years ago.”
I glowered. Mim… “That would be dad Nik.”
“Look,” I sighed wearingly, “I really don’t have the energy to explain it to you but you owe him one hell of an apology.”
Nik didn’t look convinced. “If he didn’t hit you why did Mim think he did?”
“I don’t know!” I shouted back frustratedly.
“Well then who is he?!”
“My husband you jack ass!”
There are many silences in the world that are comfortable but this wasn’t one of them. With the heavy mounts of testosterone and tension running high in the room added with that lovely chaotic revelation there was no way it could be. No one said anything for a moment. I took the lead.
I went over to Sirius. “Sirius this is my older brother Nik. He works at the daily prophet.” I gave my brother a steely glare, “Nik this is Sirius.”
Neither put out a hand.
“DEAR GOD!” I yelled angrily. “Look Sirius,” I turned to him softly. “I’m sorry okay. I just…I was scared. It was a lot to process and I just couldn’t…” I then moved on to Nik. “You are a complete tool. You didn’t speak to me until two years ago when we just ran into each other. I’m not married to an abusive asshole! I fell in love with Sirius and married him. Dad didn’t approve so he beat me so hard I had a miscarriage and BEFORE YOU ASK I wasn’t pregnant before I said 'I do.' Then dad said if I ever spoke to Sirius again he’d kill him.”
Nik was at a loss for words. He ran a hand through his hair exasperatedly. “Um...Wow…”
“Yeah,” I snapped at him feisty, “So if you don’t mind I will see you tomorrow.”
He nodded numbly walking out the door. “Married…” He muttered under his breath confusedly.
I shut the door and smiled at James. “Hi James.”
He raised his eyebrows at the use of his first name. “Hi …uh…”
“You don’t have to call me by my first name.” I laughed at his uneasiness.
James gave Sirius a look. “Um…I’ll see you later mate and …yeah.” Then he apparated out leaving me with Sirius.
He shook his head and leaned back against the wall.
I moved to him and looked at the black eye that was swelling over his eye. “I’m sorry.”
Sirius looked at me and I knew he realized I wasn’t just talking about Nik. He glanced away. “Look if this is not going to work…If I pushed you too hard. If you don’t want-“
I cupped his face boldly. “I love you.”
“You don’t have to-“
I jumped up and kissed him. It was an impulse but I didn’t regret it. I missed this. This fire. I brought my hands to his neck and tugged his face towards mine as his hands went up the back of my shirt. He pulled me tighter against his muscular chest as our lips parted with each burning touch. Jolts of heat shoot from my lips to my toes as he kissed me feverishly. I melted into him as I released any inhibitions and showed him exactly how I’d always felt about him. When he broke it off I smiled so big I could almost hear my cheeks crying out in pain but I didn’t care. He hoisted me up so I was inches from his face so close I could see the three speck freckles along the side of his nose.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded beaming, “Never been so sure.”
“Good,” He breathed happily, “Because I wasn’t prepared to lose you twice. As soon as I saw you when Dumbledore brought you to the order I knew…”
“What? What did you know?”
His smile broke slightly, “That this would happen.”
“I thought you stopped caring…” I admitted sadly.
He tipped up my chin with his free hand lovingly. “I will always give a damn about you. There's nobody else to care so much about.” Sirius lowered his head to my neck smoothly, “I love you too much for me to let us become a memory of what could have been.”
“So, I’m guessing living together isn’t out of the question.” I smiled coyly.
Sirius put me down and grabbed his necklace. I watched as he took it apart and slipped the ring on his finger. “Let’s go get yours…Please tell me you didn’t burn it.”
I laughed. “No, of course not.”
“Well then come on.”
I grabbed his hand and apparated to my old flat. It was quiet and hollow. No Renee. I didn’t let it get to me I went into my room, into my drawer and held the box out to him. “See for yourself.”
Sirius opened the box and smirked before taking it out and putting over my second finger. I felt my face glow as he slipped it all the way down. It still fit.
I rolled my eyes and wrapped my arms around him warmly. “As I said before. I’m keeping my name.”
Thank you for reading! Only a few chapters left guys. So PLEASE REVIEW! I don't know why theres been a sudden drop of reviews. Have you guys lost interest?! Have you stopped liking this story?! It makes me worry when i get no feedback. Like you guys don't like it enough to review. So please prove me wrong!
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