Chapter 3 : Make Your Wishes.
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Enjoy this, guys! Only two more chapters after this, and I've already written 'em. It's gonna be gooooood. [I keep having stupid moments and forgetting things I'm supposed to do, which is the cause of delay for these chapters. Sorry for the wait, you guys!]
Banner by BitterSweetFlames @TDA
You’re burning bridges, baby.
Make your wishes.
Somehow, I manage to Apparate to California. A beach on the shoreline of California. The hot sand is comforting under my bare feet, and I immediately step in the direction of the water. I don’t really know how I knew what to focus on or where to think I was heading. Maybe my mind knew where I was going before I did, and it took me there without needing me to realize it first. That would make since. I hardly ever realize things. Yet, I still manage to end up exactly where I want to be. Well, most of the time. The beach was my intent originally, yes, but in the back of my mind, I can’t help but want to be somewhere else.
Second only to yesterday, today has been the worst day of my entire life.
Yesterday, I was proposed to, although that was no where close to the horrible part. It was actually the most incredible part. Possibly the most incredible part of my entire life. In fact, it was definitely the most incredible part of my life. No doubt about it. The horrible part was… well, I ran away. I didn’t say yes, I didn’t say no. I closed the box that contained the most beautiful ring in the world and ran away, leaving a perfect and heartbroken boy in my wake. Despite how much I wanted to take the ring and put it on my finger, I knew I couldn’t. I can’t be with a boy that perfect.
I’m clumsy, and I’m all legs. I run into everything. My hair never looks right, and I don’t have enough patience to dress up or even try to look pretty. I lose everything. I hate wearing shoes. I’m an accident waiting to happen. I have an awful temper, and I’m a complete snob. I’m immature, and I act like a little kid. I say things without thinking them through, and my tenacity has been the cause of numerous arguments between Lysander and I. I cry over everything. I take nothing seriously, but I’m always easily offended. I’m overly optimistic, and I don’t think I’ve ever been even slightly rational. I’m eccentric, and I make random decisions for no reason at all. I’m fiercely overprotective, and I’m jealous to the point of violence. And I leave amazing people behind and break their hearts.
Lysander isn’t like me. He always looks just right. He somehow manages to look perfectly put together, and he makes me feel bad for how flawless he always looks. His grey eyes are incredible and expressive, and his hair stays purposefully tousled even in extreme wind. And then there’s that smile- breathtaking. He never loses anything, and he never runs into anything or breaks things. He’s so even-tempered and humble, and he is the most mature, sophisticated seventeen year old boy I’ve ever met. Everything he says has been carefully pondered, and the only reason our arguments ever ended was because he stopped fighting back- or never started at all. No matter what is said to him, he hardly ever takes offense, and he knows exactly what to take seriously and what to not. He’s rational and practical, and even though he’s rather eccentric himself, he is nothing compared to me. He’s unnaturally realistic, but he never teases me for my annoyingly bright outlook on everything. And despite how protective of me he was, he would never be jealous, and he would never be violent. And even after all of the other amazing qualities that he possesses, he would never break my heart, even though I surely deserve it.
One day, he will see that. He will see that I am a flawed and awful person, and that he can do so much better. One day he will do much better. I know he will.
Today, I left a note for Lysander Scamander in the care of his twin brother to tell him I would be in California from now on. I told Lysander that I hope he would one day stop loving me, because I wasn’t perfect, and that was what he deserved. As true as that is, I can’t help but selfishly hope that he doesn’t stop loving me. Because I will never stop loving him.
The only way to save Lysander from doing something I am sure he would one day regret was to burn it all down, destroying it quickly and without a look back. It was a haphazard decision. I should have taken a little longer to think it over, to try and protect the both of us. Obviously, incinerating every attachment I had to Lysander was not the best idea. My crushed heart chides my careless decision making for being the cause of the broken state it is now in. The idea seemed like a good one at the time. The pain in my chest and the ache that fills my entire body disagree.
It’s too late now to change my mind, I’m sure. Surely Lysander is furious with me. I asked Lorcan, his twin brother, but he didn’t say a thing about it. But there is no way Lysander isn’t angry. I ran away from his proposal, and then disappeared to California. I made him think I don’t love him anymore, when in fact, I don’t think I will ever stop. He will never let me apologize and return to his side, so I will spend the rest of my life on the California shoreline, wishing I wasn’t such an idiot.
You’re a chance taker, heartbreaker,
Got me wrapped around your finger.
It has been a month today. It’s June now, and the warm weather outside reminds me of Lily Luna Potter, just like everything else does. Because yes, even after a month, I am still irrevocably and permanently in love with her. It’s not getting any easier, but I didn’t think it would. Lorcan and I moved into our new flat, and everyday, my brother is trying a new tactic for distracting me from Lily. He’s tried multiple times to engage me in games of Exploding Snap or wizard’s chess, he’s brought home copies of The Quibbler more times than I can count, and he’s even tried to invite me to spend time with him and Dominique Weasley, the girl he refuses to admit is his girlfriend and the girl who is Lily’s cousin and closest friend.
Truthfully, though, I can’t see myself finding anything to get my mind off Lily anytime soon. Lorcan understands that, though his stubborn pursuit of a distraction doesn’t always show it. Slowly, the two of us are adjusting to this new change. Lorcan doesn’t bring Lily up anymore around me, not that she needs to be brought up to remind me of her. He has been trying to get rid of anything that could remind me of her, and I gave up three weeks ago trying to explain to him that he would have to burn all of Britain down to the ground in order to do that.
I’m okay with the constant memories of her now. They will forever be a part of my mind, and sometimes, they even manage to comfort me when I miss her the most. I still see her in my mind, almost everyday. Whenever I close my eyes to go to sleep, I see her face when I showed her that ring. It was so happy at first, and then as she realized what that ring would mean, it changed to one of fear. Whenever I fall asleep, I dream of her saying, “I don’t love you anymore.” No nightmare could be worse than that.
One day, I will gain the courage to go find her. Whether she loves me or not, I must see her again. I can’t go for so long running on nothing but memories. Whenever I finally find this bravery, something I wish my mother had passed down to Lorcan and I both instead of just my twin, I will find her. I’ll go to California and find Lily Luna Potter. My Lily Luna Potter.
I got your runaway smile in my piggybank baby,
Gonna cash it right in for a new Mercedes.
If I drive a hundred thousand miles,
Would you let me stay a while?
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