Chapter 1 : Confiscated and Highly Dangerous
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<This one-shot may or may not fit in with Marauding There And Back Again, I haven't decided yet.>
Confiscated and Highly Dangerous
“Run, George, run!”
“Oh, god, what did you do this time – where the heck did that cane come from?”
“Is that even legal?”
“Run! Crap, there’s the cat!”
“I’d love to give that a kick up the -”
“Look, you know that dungbomb –"
“ – the one we’ve been saving for –"
“-a special occasion, yes, well I er… used it.”
“Sorry! But you know he gave us that detention last week for that stink pellet thing?” George sighed at his twins’ rash thinking. When pranking, one must always remember to be thoughtful.
“Yeah, I know – but we were planning something big, remember? And now -"
“ – oh god –“
“It’s that bloody cat!” The two cried in unison and streaked off in the other direction. Right into the waiting arms of Argus Filch, the caretaker. He sneered evilly, tapping a long grey pole on the ground menacingly.
“About that, er, cane, Mr Filch…”
“… Is that even legal?”
Five minutes and several threats of disembowelment and mortal injury later, our two protagonists found themselves in the caretaker’s office, admiring the notice on the door.
“Fanged Frisbees – I didn’t even know they were out yet!” George cried in wonder.
“Mr Filch could be getting a bit ahead of the times.” Fred added thoughtfully. The two glanced at the old unhygienic man in the corner who was hunched over a draw.
“But then again –“
“ – Maybe not.” The twins glanced at each other and sniggered.
“What’re you laughin’ at?” Filch spat and the two gulped. They couldn’t wait for the day when they would finally be able to stand up to him. “I’m out of files – yes, you stupid little boys this is goin’ on report and is gonna be sent to the Headmaster! You just wait – and if I see you touching anything, I’ll have you hung by your thumbs in the dungeon!” Filch swept from the room muttering incoherent phrases about the proper uses of children, leaving the boys standing there in utter silence.
“I told you –“
“Hey look at –“ The two stopped in surprise, glancing at each other. They then burst out laughing and Fred put in.
“You first.” George was only too happy to comply.
“I told you to wait, didn’t I? We were planning something big but you had to go and provoke him and now we’re going on report to Dumbledore!”
“We’re doomed! Mum’s gonna murder us!”
“Yes, and it’s all your fault!” George turned away from him and Fred blew out a low whistle. He twiddled his thumbs for a bit, before turning slowly to his twin.
“We shouldn’t let a little spat ruin this sterling opportunity.” George pursed his lips, and his face broke into a grin.
“I was waiting for you to say that!” And as if on cue, the boys began examining every inch of the office – anything for blackmail, or useful prank items.
“George you’ll never guess – Filch’s a squib!” George laughed and then gasped in awe. It wasn’t what Fred had said that caught his eye, but more a draw labelled “Confiscated and Highly Dangerous”.
“Fred… c’mon.” Fred leaped over to where George was standing over it. “Now what was it that Percy said at the beginning of the year?”
“I believe it was ‘don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do’.”
“Well, of course that’s a phrase –“
“- That’s quite easy to mishear, isn’t it?” In unison, they hauled open the draw expecting to find a horde of treasures – but were greatly disappointed.
“A blank bit of parchment?”
“What rubbish!” Fred took the parchment out of the draw and opened it up. “There’s nothing there!”
“It was in Filch’s best draw!”
“Maybe they’re labelled wrong.”
“Here, look, give it a little shake or –“ The boys stopped speaking, as think ink lines seemed to appear from the parchment. They watched in awe as it began to form words.
Mr Moony presents his compliments at having finally been discovered, but would prefer it if little boys would stop shaking him around.
But it didn’t stop there.
Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Moony, and would like to add at how very mischievous they look too, being in Mr Arsegus Filch’s office.
The boys laughed, but were unnerved at the same time. How did it know where they were?
Mr Padfoot would also like to add, that any real Weasels should be… solemnly swearing that they’re up to no good?
It even knew their names – now they were more than a bit freaked out!
Mr Wormtail bids the Weasels good day, and would like to register his astonishment and admiration of such a stunning shade of red hair.
The boys stared in silence at the map. They didn’t quite know what to do next, but were spared the thought of it as one phrase appeared on the map:
“Run, Prongs, run!”
“Oh god, Padfoot, what have you done this time?”
“What the – is that a cane?”
“Where was he hiding that?”
“Probably up his fat –“
“That’s quite enough, Padfoot.”
“Wormtail, where’s the map?”
“Oh. But I thought Prongs had it?”
“How can I have it? I’m holding the bloody cloak you buffoon!”
“Then who’s –“
“I’ve got it!”
“Where were you hiding that?”
“Up his fat –“
“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Alright, alright; Filch is the floor below – but he’ll be after us thanks to someone.” Prongs scowled. Padfoot just shrugged nonchalantly.
“He was asking for it.”
“What did you do?” Wormtail asked.
“Well you see, Wormy, I got his cane and shoved it up –“
“Do I need to hit you again?” Moony interrupted.
“No, I suppose not.”
“So Filch is directly below us. If we want to do this carving, we better do it now whilst he’s after us and not in his office – then we can leave it. Unless we want to spend Graduation in detention.”
“Would be a great parting gift to Filch.” Wormtail laughed.
“No, this is a better one. Imagine looking in your office and seeing us every time?” Moony laughed.
“Why thank you.”
“Okay guys – move out!”
Five minutes and plenty of cursing and laughing later, the four found themselves in the caretaker’s office, half of their foursome admiring the notice on the door.
“Oooh!” Padfoot gushed. “I didn’t know he knew about the Ever-Bashing Boomerang! That only came out last week – Benjy gave us the prototype at the beginning of the year, remember?”
“Oh yeah, course.” Wormtail added. “What happened to that anyway?”
“Well we lost it. Maybe it got shoved up –“
“Guys come over here!” Moony hissed. Padfoot and Wormtail shuffled over to where Prongs and Moony were standing by the desk. “Remember the spell?” The others nodded.
“On three, one, two, three –“
“Crevatus!” The all cast in unison onto the front of Filch’s desk as small words began to appear. The boys smiled in satisfaction once they were finished, grinning at each other like mad. Prongs and Moony cast a few more charms onto it, to stop it from being removed and then some more onto the desk to stop it being moved. It really was a well thought out plan. When pranking, one must always remember to be thoughtful.
“There – a job well done lads.”
“Oh Merlin!” Wormtail cried. The boys turned to look at him as he pointed to their map. “Filch is just outside!” He mouthed. Cursing their own stupidity, Padfoot quickly wiped the map as Prongs hurriedly tried to get his Invisibility Cloak out - but he was too slow, only managing to cover himself and Moony.
Filch marched into the office holding a cane and his eyes widened when he saw the two boys (Padfoot and Wormtail) in his office, one holding a blank piece of parchment. But it was that same blank piece of parchment that he had seen many times before.
“What’re you boys doin’ in here!” He barked as they gave him their best smiles.
“Nothing, Sir, just getting one last look.” Padfoot laughed, slightly nervously.
“That.” Filch pointed at the parchment in Padfoot’s hand and quickly snatched it before he could complain. “Very nice, my boys.”
“That old thing’s nothing.” Padfoot put in hurriedly.
“Yeah, nothing.” Wormtail added. Prongs and Moony gave each other anxious looks – they were trying way too hard to get it back, it was obvious that it was important to them. And neither of them could cover up the other’s stupidity as it would mean revealing that Prongs was in possession of an Invisibility Cloak – something they definitely didn’t want confiscated.
“No… I think I’ll be keeping this, see how well your lovely little pranks go without… this.” It was obvious Filch didn’t know what it was either, but he certainly knew the boys wanted it badly.
“Uh… okay… but, really, Sir –“ Wormtail began.
“So long as you don’t shove it up your ugly, warty, fat –“
“OUT!” Filch shouted and the two boys bolted from the room, followed in secret by Moony and Prongs underneath the cloak. They tore it off in anger and began shouting at the boys.
“We’re never going to get it back n-“
“ARSE!” Padfoot hollered loudly. “No one’s been letting me say that all day!” He continued innocently.
“But I think we have more pressing matters to be concerned with Padfoot!” Moony scowled.
“POTTER! BLACK! LUPIN! PETTIGREW! GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING VANDILISIN’ MY DESK!”
“You can say that again!” Prongs laughed at Moony’s comment.
Was what the parchment in front of Fred and George had said, but now it had been replaced with one final comment.
The Marauder’s would like to add one final comment to the stunning red-haired Weasels about whether they happened to have taken a look at Filch’s desk recently?
The twins both immediately looked up onto where stacks of paper were piled up (including the squib letter). The boys removed them one by one until they reached the polished wooden surface except for a couple of neatly carved scratches.
Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers bid Mr Filch a good day: We solemnly swear that we are up to no good.
And next to it there was an accurate picture of four boys lounging in what appeared to be Filch’s office with a cartoon Filch standing in the doorway shouting.
“So… these guys. They were at Hogwarts, just like us?”
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Fred asked.
“As always.” They brought the piece of old parchment up to them, Fred pulling out his wand.
“We solemnly swear that we are up to no good.” Nothing happened. The two boys sighed before George pulled out his own wand.
“Wait… I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” From the tip of his wand, ink began to spider out and the boys watched in awe as it created several lines and little boots with labels. Including two that were labelled Fred and George Weasley. But at the top of the page (what stood out the most) is what the boys read out to one another:
““Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers” -”
““-Are proud to present the Marauder’s Map.” You know -” George began.
“– This might just be -”
“– Exactly what we need.” The twins looked at each other, grinning like idiots until the door was abruptly opened and Filch stood in the doorway. The twins froze; hiding the map from view but what Filch seemed to notice was what was held in Fred’s right hand – the squib letter that was clearly standing out.
“WHY YOU -!” He began to holler and the boys darted past him.
“Run, Fred -!”
“- George –“
“Run!” They cried in unison, their new ally lying open in George’s hand. And almost as if on its own, four ghostly hands pulled out four wands, pointed them at the open map and whispered to each other as if there were no distance between them.
“Mischief Managed.” And the map folded shut.
So there you have a little one-shot that's been stirring for a while - and to anyone who's read any of my other stories, I am SO sorry for the wait for either MTABA or TNHN, I am getting there! I hope you enjoyed it, and pleas please leave a review - it means so much to me!